Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 22 February 2012
Joey Barton reveals new England kit on Twitter picture
Well at least that's the closest he'll come to ever wearing it.
8 month pregnant woman models naked except for hat
She took to the catwalk at the White Rabbit Studio in Shoreditch, east London.
You don't see that often in the various Shoreditch lap-dancing clubs.
New cow-manure-powered automobiles may revolutionize the way we drive, breathe!
Next iPad Could Have Something No Other Apple Gadget Has
A 25% pay increase for factory workers.
Greek bailout to cost everyone in UK £500
(says Daily Express) By my reckoning we're all a due a free flight, 2 weeks hotel stay with breakfast, plus a bottle of ouzo in Zante. Just book quickly in case the country goes belly up...
Frank Carson dies aged 85.
It's the way you tell 'em.
Frank Carson. News At Ten. Ireland.
Barcelona 5 Valencia 1
Four goals for Lionel Messi.
Another normal day at the office for Leo.
Mike Tyson getting his own tv show?
It'll probably be ear today, gone tomorrow.
Obama Shifts Slightly
For Obama, soaring oil prices present a much greater threat than Romney or Santorum. Immediately orders piping from Canada, 1,000 fracking drillings, new wells in Alaska, Oklahoma, Gulf & Rose Garden.
Judge Embarrassed Over Lawsuits
Man sues uncle for posting embarrassing Facebook pictures. Uncle counters with suit over embarrassing lawsuit over Facebook pictures.
Memo to Proctor & Gamble...Adele...great name for a new toilet bowl cleanser!
The Annual (S)Brits Awards, not so much a who's who of artistic merit more a...who???
Ky. Health Law Pases
Kentucky legislature has made it illegal to feed opossums growth hormones.
Looks Like It's Official
West Bank Settlement housing gets initial approval, bombing!
African American Museum Groundbreaking
President Obama, Laura Bush break ground for African American museum. Laura Bush told reporters, "I'm glad to be here for this historic occasion. Anyone seen George?"
Yoko Remembers John
Yoko Ono told reporters that, should John Lennon lived, he would have been 72-years-old this year. "The same age as I was when we got married."
The Tobacco Empire Strikes Back
Research funded by tobacco companies has proved that no smoker living past one hundred years of age has ever complained of ill health due to smoking.
Marsquake, Volcano Eruption
Red Planet rumblings: New signs of a recent Marsquake. Flowing golden nougat seen through telescopes!
Waiter sacked by a Chinese restaurant for being white
They should have offered him a job 'whitewashing' up.
Not Yet, Maybe Later
Selena Gomez still says that nude photos in Indian Magazine not her. "Look at her face! Doesn't anyone look at her face?"
Hotel tycoon is sued by his own father in £100million wrangle
You should have given him new towels, this would never have happened.
Rumors: Rush Limbaugh and Maureen Dowd may form a Turd Party by November Presidential election.
NRA: Raise Your Own Beef
Just Released Report: Contented cows leading nation's meat-eaters to dance through the daisies during national crisis.
BBC defends its Whitney Houston coverage.
'We got so emotional'
German sex offenders will no longer become Eunuchs!
A European body is claiming that voluntary castration for sex-offenders in Germany is degrading for them and inhumane, maybe they should ask their victims if they prefer them to become Eunuchs or not?
Is Nothing Private Anymore
Amway, Zija salesmen now coming up beside you at bathroom urinals, complimenting your penis.
Megaload founder Kim Dotcom granted bail
The bail was put by his friend Jerry DotOrg
Iran Remains Defiant
IAEA seventy-sixth nuclear mission to Iran ends in failure. "But some progress was make", states spokesman. "They did show us some beautiful hand-made rugs."
Hamas Irons out Dispute Over Palestinian Unity
"Now if we can only get the other 57 terrorist groups to go along...."
El Paso woman hit by stray bull from Mexico. I'm sorry, that should have been "Bullet"
Teacher Investigated 3 Times for Sexual Misconduct
Questioned by males on panel three times each in private sessions.
Covicted Murderer Dies
Convicted murderer dies while on hunger strike in California. Executioner throws temper tantrum.
Hillary Turns Green
Hillary Clinton shows up with green shirt for G20 'family photo' while everyone else wears white. "This is what happens when I get mad! Just ask Bill!"
Dow Hits 13,000
Dow Hits 13,000, first time since May 2008...probably for the last time also.
Losing Weight Hard
Losing weight is twice as hard as you may think, say experts. Plus the ass is the last think that shrinks. So, prepare early for 'the freak' stage!
Expecting More Bailouts?
Europe completes second bailout for the Greeks. Will take two-month recess and begin tackling third.
Baptists Make Slight Change
Southern Baptists vote to keep name but add alternative. From now on they will be "The Alternative Southern Baptists".
Madoff Claims Dismissed
UniCredit wins dismissal of Madoff claims. "How can you believe anything that man says", rules judge.
Tit For Tat
Mother pushing stroller in Texas hit with bullet from Mexico. In retaliation, Sarah Palin fires one toward Russia from her home in Alaska.
Judge: Fracking Whackafracks!
New York judge upholds fracking ban in towns. Several townspeople ask judge to leave off the fracking swearing in court.
Bank Overdraft Fees Criticized
U.S. consumer agency to examine bank overdraft fees. "$100 for being 50 cents overdrawn is a bit too much", says Willard Brach.
Not All Terrorists
Monitoring of Muslim students sparks outrage. "We're not ALL terrorists!", says spokesman. "For instance, there's my sister's brother-in-law."
Mayor Loses It!
Wisconsin mayor in drinking scandal loses recall. Friends and family say he will be really upset once he sobers up!
Maryland Gay: Marriage OK
Maryland Senate committee approves Gay Marriage B...also gay marriage Jill.
Pink Diamond Is Said to Be Worth £7 Million
A rare pink Diamond mined in Australia is estimated to be worth £7 million. The singer Sir Elton John has expressed an interest when it comes on the market later in the year.
Adele flips fingers at Brit Awards
Anything M.I.A. can do...
Cigarette Caused Prison Fire in Honduras.
Cigarettes in prison?
What would health & Safety say about that???
Simon Cowell asks Alesha Dixon 'Who are you exactly?'
Looks like dementia is starting early for simple Simon. Or maybe his belt was too tight.
Brit Awards latest: Adele 2 Ed Sheeran 2
Replay next Tuesday. Adele sent off early for hand gesture.
Nottingham's Robin Hood Marathon cancelled
The Robin Hood Marathon will not go ahead this year because the route is no longer "safe and viable", according to the organisers.
"Blow it, I'd just oiled me zimmer-frame as well!"
Serena Williams and Gisela Dulko play tennis on water
Well they probably won't have to worry about rain at Wimbledon this year, what with the hosepipe ban..
Kielty confirms Cat Deeley relationship
Robert Mugabe: I have beaten Jesus
That was one hell of a card game *
* or maybe was it one heaven of a card game?
Companies 'should run John Lewis style schools'
Never, repeat NEVER knowingly undertaught.
Britain's army of MOD civil servants share £40m in bonuses!
Britain's army of Ministry of Defence civil servants share £40million in bonuses!
"Why are we allowing this?"
Manchester City offer £58m for Cesc Fabregas!
Man City will offer a staggering £58million for the Arsenal star.
"That reminds me, I must get some athlete's foot cream from the Pound Shop!"
Pensioners to lose bus-passes, TV licences. and Winter fuel payments!
Social Market Foundation: OAP's should lose their free bus travel, winter fuel payments and free TV licences.
Wright Ready To Attack?
President Obama contemplating turning preacher Jeremiah Wright on Santorum and Romney after their religious statements of late.
Judge May Be Lenient
Florida man arrested last month for taking up-skirt shots of women in Wal-Mart, hospitalized as he still can't keep anything on his stomach.
Paul Slams Rick
New Ron Paul Ad Slams Santorum As 'Flake'. "That's my best endorsement yet", says Santorum.
WHite House Wary
White House wary of affirmative action case. Keep poking it with a stick and running away.
Anti-Obama Protestant Colleges Upset
Protestant colleges threaten to end coverage in response to Obama's contraceptive mandate. "We have a contraceptive idea for the President", says one student who refused to give his name.
US Military apologizes to Afghanistan for burning Quran, blowing country back to stone age.
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