Spoof news snippets from Monday 20 February 2012
Rick Santorum says Newt Gingrich is too hot, Mitt Romney is too cold, but he's the "Goldilocks candidate." No one has said that since John Edwards after a $1,000 haircut in 2008.
Jimmy Carter Slipping
Friends and neighbors of Jimmy Carter say that the former President sits outside most days talking to Billy and Mama. Also, he sometimes gets angry with the garage door opener for not picking up CNN!
Obama Lures Tourists To US
President Obama attempting to bring more tourists to America issues '25% Off All U.S. Tourist Spots' coupons. But, you have to prove that you are a foreigner.
Lovable, grandfatherly Ku Klux Klan member Adolf Himmler, admits that he once dreamed that he voted for President Obama.
Obama's Nuclear Moment
Obama nears his nuclear moment. Perhaps all of us are closer than we'd like to think. (Whistle...whistle)
Gingrich Criticized Reagan
Gingrich archives show his public praise, private criticism of Reagan, often calling him, "Gipper the Nipper".
Lloyds bank strip 13 executives of their 2010 bonus.
That was one hell of a boardroom party.
Home Secretary Theresa May is to split the UK Border Agency in two
Theirs a split in your border dear home secretary, dear home secretary.
With what will you fix it dear home secretary dear home secretary, with what shall you fix it? Dear home secretary with what?
Mitt Romney is sinking in the US election polls.
Sinking quicker than the Costa Concordia and not an Italian in sight.
Paul McCartney says his pot-smoking days are over
More for the rest of us. Only problem is the price is going up.
Brit award host James Corden loses 18 tickets to the show in the back of a taxi.
That's what he told the organisers. Maybe he ate them?
Chisora apologises for Haye brawl
"I had a bit too much red bull on saturday!"
Risk Sanatorium is seriously miffed not to have been made a Cardinal by El Papa.
"I have the credentials - I'm really Italian."
He had aspired to run for Pope himself after 8 years as President.
Hopes Are High
Commerce in Kentucky could go pretty high with the possibility of the legalization of marijuana. Plans for hemp factories already in planting stage. Their first expected summer hit: Ladies Pot Pants!
Darwin Predicted It
Genetically modified skunk without stink bag learns to crap in on highways when there's a breeze.
Things Have Changed
Small town in Transylvania gets together on Facebook to plan torch mob to hunt down monster.
Forgot to Grease Throat First
Cleveland, Ohio man chokes to death on All-Vitamin/Mineral/Protein pill!
Dutch scientists discover flat, synthetic burgers!
Dutch scientists have discovered a very flat, synthetic burger and promised "there is no meat at all in them!" McDonald's are suing them because they claim that their burgers are meatless too!
"Let Me Rest & Catch My Breath Awhile!"
Old man at nursing home turns 98 between putting on his right shoe and putting on his left shoe. Local news photographer falls asleep while waiting for it.
Arsenal deducted 10 points!
The FA has deducted 10 points (dix points) off of Arsenal because they refuse to play football and Arsene Wenger's pathetic excuses have become inexcusable, sacre bleu!
Moira Stuart sets up company to avoid paying some taxes.
She tried hiding under the stairs but that didn't work.
I Can't Go On!
40-year-old 425-pound woman asks best friend to shoot her in front of doughnut shop!
'I fancy my boyfriend's ex-wife'
This headline brought to you by today's Guardian problem page (no, really)
Locusts Back Already
Seventeen Day Locusts destroying a lot of Southern & Western crops in the United States. "They're the worst yet", says Tennessee farmer.
Bum A Hit!
NYC alley bum has plenty of money for booze after agreeing to show up at schools to be used as an example for staying in school.
"I sold coke to Whitney day before she died"
Front page of the Daily Star Sunday - must be true then...
Woman Concerned Over Blackouts
Los Angeles woman sues doctor who insists that he blackouts are somehow associated with her weekly alcoholic binges.
John Prescott on 'Desert Island Discs'
Sadly the above title is one word too long.
Wee Had Hit Fust
Head of Amazon tribesmen just discovered by the rest of the world, sues so-called inventor of the thong.
Thames Water advise customers to block up leaks
Brighton manager Gus Poyet replied "You should have told me yesterday!"
Final score: Liverpool 6 Brighton 1
Dame Judi Dench in sight battle.
Dame Judi Dench has revealed she has problems reading scripts and is worried she is going blind. In related news, she has been offered a job as a Premier League referee.
ESPN Fires Writer
ESPN has fired the honky employee responsible for writing an offensive headline about basketball sensation Jeremy Lin!
Adele 'sex tape' horror
"That's the last time I ask the staff in Blockbuster to surprise me"
'Mixed feelings' on Houston funeral
Although they stated that it was one of the greatest days ever for Whitney Houston fans outside watching all those attending her funeral, they still prefer her being alive, 247-42 according to poll.
PETA Uproar Over Use of the Word "Dog"
Animal rights group, PETA, recently waged a war on the use of the word "dog". They argue that "dog" is often used in a derogatory way by badasses ranging from ex-KGB operatives to hardcore gangsters.
Thames Water announce hosepipe ban for London
We better postpone the Olympics just in case.
Freakish Weather Continues
Snow causes nearly 1,000 wrecks! "We're just not used to it here in Timbouctou, Mali", says Mayor.
Avram Grant offers Chelsea boss AVB advice
"Try and win games"
With sage advice like this, how did Abramovitch ever sack him?
'Simpsons' Marks 500th Episode
"the most meaningless milestone of all!"
Is $4 gas coming soon?
"Once we get through Labor Day, it should be down to only $4.00 per gallon", promises President Obama.
Scientists Growing Test-Tube Burger
It will be ready in eight months. Not exactly what you'd call fast food.
U.N. Inspectors Return to Iran
Got a bargain deal on lastminute.com
U.N. Inspectors Return to Iran
"The weathers lovely this time of year"
Man Survives Two Months In Snow-Covered Car
Luckily, he had a copy of 'War and Peace' to read.
Minnie Driver reveals father of her child
It was a Laurie Driver.
Brighton score three own goals at Anfield
More than Torres has got since he left Anfield!
Final Score: Liverpool 6 Brighton 1
Guus Hiddink gets managers job at Anzhi Makhachkala
Andre Villas-Boas prayers have been answered (for the time being)
Armed robbers loot ancient Greek museum
Or was it the EU trying to get some security on their loans?
Adele Vows to Spit in Estranged Father's Face
"It will be so big a loogie, he won't be able to breathe through his nose, a gob of all gobs, said the normally mild mannered Adele.
'Sun on Sunday' to launch this weekend
Gee, I sure hope there are no dawn raid arrests on Sun journalists in the days leading up tot he first 'Sun on Sunday'
Gay black policeman wins discrimination case against Police
I'd say the odds were stacked in his favour.
Snow Hits South!
Storm dumps snow on South, knocks out power, sun bathing!
Three Shot During Protest
Three shot at Cambodian protest! Leader keeps yelling "Shoot into the air! THE AIR!"
We're All Fat
Mardi Gras helps fatten New Orleans businesses, business people, tourists!
Cameron in trouble
"But its mine!" cried a belligerant British PM David Cameron after Police insisted he return a plastic toy gun that he didn't pay for at Toys R Us. Police booked Mr Cameron and asked he be a good boy.
New book on genetics
Popular geneticist, Gregory Mendel, has announced he has written a coffee table book on home genetics, entitled "How to Twin Friends and Influenza People". It will be on sale from next Monday.
Must Have Been A Tough Exam
A U.S. immigration agent shot his boss six times during a performance discussion at the agency's offices in a San Francisco suburb. Lance Smith arrested but told he had passed the test.
Didn't Mean It That Way
Wisconsin governor's bid for delay on recall signatures delayed!
Thirty-seven Senators and Twelve House members buried in avalanche of red tape in Washington DC.
New Orleans Parade Readies
During Mardi Gras in New Orleans, everybody loves a parade. Especially, a topless parade. Especially, a female topless parade.
Human Remains Remain
Police say more human remains have been found on New York's Long Gone Island
Immigrants Now Accepted
Immigrants trickling back to Ala despite crackdown...many with tattoos of banjos on their knees.
Came To See Waterfall
Every February Yosemite waterfall turns to lava. Most love this. However, there are some first time visitors that say that it "burns them up".
Law Arm of the Law!
Internet expose site reveals that 98-year-old neighbor, Horace Boone, once got caught playing with himself in seventh grade in 1928.
Bowling Green, Kentucky Pawn Shop customer tells owner he'll be back in a week for his George Foreman Grill. Takes $3 with him..just like every other Friday night.
Physicists create a working transistor from a single atom, go blind.
Could Be Over-Crowding?
Bus runs off steep hill in India. One hundred and ninety-seven riders injured.
Crossing The Line?
Obama campaign adviser says Santorum crossed line...didn't say "May I?"
Mexican prison riot deaths nowhere near Honduran prison fire victims
A Mexican prison came up way short this week when only 44 people died during a riot in the overpopulated Apodeca Prison. The overcrowded Comayagua Prison kicked ass when 359 died in a horrific blaze.
Alcohol abuse 'to kill 280,000 people over next 20 years'
Alcohol abuse 'to kill 280,000 people in 20 years' - but deaths are preventable.
"Oh, well as long they know about it?"
£10 just to sit in Olympic Park and watch the action on a big screen!
Spectators to be charged £10 just to sit in Olympic Park and watch the action on a big screen!
"Ah, but will the park be protected from the rioters?"
Nottingham police launch fresh appeal on 10-year-old murder!
David Draycott was shot dead on his driveway in Sutton-in-Ashfield in 2002.
Sarah Carmen (24): The Woman Who has 200 Orgasms every day!
She suffers from Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome (PSAS).
"I have so much sex to try to calm myself, I get bored of it. Men I sleep with don't seem to make much effort because I climax so easily!"
Computer expert Daniel Smith - 21 & on the scrap-heap!
He fears he's left on the scrapheap at 21, after being turned down for more than 1,500 jobs.
Daniel, from Greater Manchester, left college with a IT qualification in 2009.
Jesus Christ Dead So Long, Many Can't Remember His Face
After almost two millennia, many self-proclaimed associates of Jesus Christ are consumed with remorse after discovering they can no longer remember the face of the man they loved but never saw.
Manchester record book merger
In an effort to beat the world record for most points in a season, Manchester City and Manchester United are merging their clubs into one single team. They currently lead the Premiership by 65 points.
TV extension for Room 101
This week's episode of BBC's Room 101 has been postponed due to a lack of storage space caused by increasingly incessant guests. It will continue its current run once a larger space has been located.
Retarded Walrus Drowns
A walrus born without the knowledge of how to swim promptly drowned in the mid-Atlantic earlier this day. An expert on walruses was reported saying "This was a really, REALLY, retarded walrus."
Moyles axed live on Channel 4
Budget cuts at Channel 4 have led to the axing of Quiz Night host Chris Moyles. The live public execution will be broadcast next year as part of the popular series "Inside Nature's Giants".
Dying Vegetable Slips Into Human-Like State
Parents consider pulling the roots.
Local man with 1874 friends on Facebook can't get anyone to loan him twenty bucks to get gas go to work tomorrow.
Ron Paul wins Maine although he'd never visit
Ron Paul gained 83 votes on Mitt Romney from Maine even though he's never been to or would ever visit Maine. George I and George II have a summer place there, but there aren't, like, any hotels there.
Prez Race Getting Weirder By The Day
Under pressure, Romney struggles for the right pitch. "I'm thinking about springing a knuckleball on 'em at the last minute. SPIT!!"
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!