Order by:
Rating:

Took It About A Year

200-foot lizard washes ashore in California, apparently a victim of last year's nuclear disaster in Japan.

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

IF They Were Real!

Italian police seize $6 trillion of fake U.S. bonds...now worth over $6 billion dollars.

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Eviction Delayed

Man tries to evict 98-year-old mom from Conn. home. Has a hard time getting a specialist to remove walking cane from ass!

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Latest On Iran Nukes

Iran poised for big nuke jump...especially if one accidentally goes off!

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Gingrich On Low Turnouts

Gingrich: All those negative ads are the reason for low turnout. I think I'll quit running them.

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Restaurant Review, with Fatima Leech

I had the pan-seared lungfish with bindweed parcels and a wormwood and cucumber coulis, while Dominic tried sea lamprey boiled alive in mole's bile served in a puddle of hare's-blood. The ambulance

written by Erskin Quint, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Tulle Is The New Peregrine Worsthorne

The work of Giles Fromage gives prominence to floutes and feathered mabottes. The clinched prouffe, however, is the trademark of Jacques Mangetout, who studied under Gino Lanzarotti.

written by Erskin Quint, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Eigenvectors Are The New Tuesday

Among the current projects of Dorking inventor Gideon Bable are a Linseed Baffle, a Clockwork Vicar-Scarer, Odourless Dung, an Anti-Mulatto Bezel and a Disposable Swing-Bin.

written by Erskin Quint, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Sun On Sunday: Coming soon

Sodding Sh*t

written by radiogagger, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Limerick-King Edward Lear "Wrote For Money" Claims Hessian-Underwear Heiress

Sheer size is the main stumbling block for anyone looking to erect a full-size replica of The Pyramid of Cheops in their front-garden. It's the main reason why there are so few of these around.

written by Erskin Quint, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Beer Company Sues Laxative Company

A major beer company is suing a laxative company over their new slogan, "Great Waste, Less Filling!"

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

"Tim Rice Ate My Brushes" Claims Dorking Chimney-Sweep

Popular mountebank Tim Rice, currently working on a musical about the secret romance between Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha and The Duke of Wellington, enjoys masturbating too.

written by Erskin Quint, 18 February 2012
Rating:

"He's At The Castle!"

Horrible monster created by Dr. Frankenstein forcing children to eat his sweetened, strawberry-flavored cereal for breakfast. Citizens out all night with torches.

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Basking Shark Discovered In Eric Pickles

"I always rub Atkinson's Liniment behind my ears", says Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. "I died in 1851, but it still keeps the pustules down!"

written by Erskin Quint, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Popular Vote Brings Backlash

House Speaker Boehner bargains on payroll tax cut, now braces for fallout from conservatives going nuclear on his butt!

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Harry Potter "Better Than Shakespeare" Claims Idiot

Cancerian gooseherds may struggle to earn a living these days. The same goes for Capricorn pargeters, while Aquarian eohippus-breeders were always going to be up against it.

written by Erskin Quint, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Only Merciful Thing To Do?

Family of brain dead couple who have just passed watching 10,000 hours of Reality TV have plug pulled.

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

See Nyasaland In The Fall!

Dorking bachelor Dick Palmer was unable to find a wife so he made his own out of recycled Ombudsman parts. "She's environmentally-friendly and will help me complain about the potholes" he claims.

written by Erskin Quint, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Emmeline Pankhurst's Cummerbund Obsession Is "Urban Myth"

Jehova's Witnesses a nuisance? Why not leave a week-old corpse on your doorstep? It works with unwanted relatives too, but you must have a good story for the Police.

written by Erskin Quint, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Discover Jutland!

"My copy of Dante's Divine Comedy makes an ideal bludgeon", claims Dorking wife-beater Kevin Twatte. "It's far weightier than anything by that cunt Jeffrey Archer."

written by Erskin Quint, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Uranus Is The New Hitler

Sagittarian sackbut-repairers should beware of walruses. Librans need not fear bearded elkherds. If you are a Piscean troubador, you are in the wrong century.

written by Erskin Quint, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Mexican Billionaire Reaches Out To Widows!

"A widow here, a widow there. It all adds up", states Juan Mendoza of Cancun.

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Free Condoms!

Brazil plans giveaway of 3 million free condoms for Carnival. Not enough say revelers!

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Latest On Economy

United States, E.U. say they are cautiously pessimistic about economies during 2012.

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Houston Funeral News

Aretha Franklin to perform "Rock Steady" at Whitney Houston funeral today.

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Last Of Famous Restaurant Chain To Close

Last of Columbia's Crack In The Box Restaurants to close later this year.

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Gary Lineker says footballers shouldn't be paid more than nurses

No mention on the salary of crisp salesman in the Daily Mirror interview.

written by radiogagger, 18 February 2012
Rating:

You Really Shouldn't Have!

The number one Valentines Day gift to girlfriends in Mount Ivy, Kentucky this year? Same as the last 20, a daisy in a beer bottle.

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Price of Stamps Going Up!

Postal Service seeks 50-cent stamps, hoping to cut losses to only two billion dollars in 2012.

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Pope to ordain 22 New Cardinals.

It's not yet been confirmed whether they will play in the NFL, the NBA or the more local Roma Serie Z Sunday Night Floodlit League.

written by radiogagger, 18 February 2012
Rating:

More Jobs Right After Election!

White House predicts 2 million more jobs in 2012...2 million and 10 if you include the private sector.

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Pope Appoints 22 New Cardinals

Also, thirteen Magpies, four Yellow-Bellied Sapsuckers and one Screech Owl!

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Resolutions Gone Already

Survey shows that 95% of those who made New Year's resolution to eat more fiber have already eaten their words.

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Little Known Fact

A new survey of Superheroes reveals that 95% of supervillians started their careers as politicians!

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Women get handful of Presidential Butt in San Francisco!

$10,000 to grab President's butt replaces $10,000-A-Plate dinner as major fundraiser.

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Witney Houston & DIY, Tied for Hits

The most popular search engine hits last week were Whitney Houston and DIY: How to convert your bathtub to a shower

written by JAB, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Michelle Goes Skiing

Michelle Obama takes a ski vacation. This despite warning from ghost of Sonny Bono suddenly appearing on bathroom mirror.

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Expert warns against 'dangerous' cuts to nuke arsenal!

"You start cutting one of those things and it could easily go off!", warns Nuke expert. "We probably should just move them out and set them off harmlessly in the desert."

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Today's Health Tip

Today's Health Tip: Take Care of Your Skin...especially your foreskin for those who have one.

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Gross ingredients found in everyday food!

Many supermarket breads contain L-cysteine, a protein made from dissolved human hair. Apparently we're all cannibals.

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Wings Win 22nd, Wortham Overdoses on Chelie's Chili Dogs

Spoofer PM Wortham gigs on one too many chili dogs at Chelie's and pays the gaseous price at the Red Wings 22nd home win. Fans gave Wortham the stink eye. Wortham just gave them the stink.

written by P.M. Wortham, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Khloe Kardashian on Sex Life!

Khloe Kardashian gives interview on 'active' sex life. "That's it for now", she tells reporters. "Gotta get on back and get at it."

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

'The Simpsons' reaches 500 episodes!

For the first time even, more adults watching TV cartoons than their children!

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Yankees May Buy Out All Other Teams

New York Yankees sign top prospect by offering $200 million his first year. Deny that China actually owns 51% of team.

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Obama New Motto

President Obama to change his 2008 motto from "Yes We Can" to "Yes We Canned...But It Could Be Worse!"

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Paul To Cancel Huge Debt!

Ron Paul, candidate for US Presidency in 2012, promises to cancel US debt with China. "We saved their nuggets in WWII with Japan so now we're even."

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Getting The Lead Out!

China VP visiting the US tells President they will quit sending lead in their products if US will get the lead out of their ass and pay off their huge debt with China.

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Tax Bill Passed

US Congress ends bitter tax battle with bill passage. "But it was a bitter bill to swallow", says GOP spokesman.

written by Bureau, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Houston Funeral a Mitm Romney plot

Back home in Georgia, Gingnotsorich compains CNN have diverted their attention from the GOP primary race, just as he was hoping to get back on track.
"My ambitions have been frustrated!" he claimed.

written by Exislanda, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Dutch society grinds to a halt as loony carnivalists get totally pissed and high!

Holland is in the grip of carnival fever and the whole place has ground to a halt. Dutch lunatis have stormed the town and city centres gay, pissed, fancy-dressed and very high; typical Dutch!

written by Jaggedone, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Nazis gettin' ready to rumble

National Socialists, better known as Nazis, are stumping up for a tilt at the American Presidency. Their candidate, Reagan Clinton-Hitler III, is prepared to lie, cheat and deceive as is tradition.

written by whatinthe world, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Danger, zebras.

A herd of zebras have escaped from a zoo in Brighton. Police are seeking their recapture lest they frighten people into not using zebra crossings.

written by whatinthe world, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Dog Adopted From Animal Shelter

seeks birth mother

written by Adam Click, 18 February 2012
Rating:

Teacher Says:

Every time a politician visits, a "green" company dies!

written by Adam Click, 18 February 2012
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