Spoof news snippets from Thursday 16 February 2012
Dolly Parton to make millions from Whitney Houston effect *
"Whitney I Will Always Love You".
* And she means it! Dolly Parton wrote the song and Whitney recorded it.
Spotify: 1 million plays, £108 return *
Get Rich slowly.
* That's what Lady Gaga earned last year from fans listening to 'Poker Face' via spotify.
FA defends changing England kit after just EIGHT games
"It was getting a bit smelly"
Short Cut becomes so popular its no longer the short cut
Busier than the normal route.
Patrice Evra rested for Man United Europa lge tie v Ajax
Well he did celebrate rather a lot on saturday v Liverpool...
Wayne Rooney buys a horse
Well at least this time he's out in the open about it!
Britain's Fat Woman
Britain's fattest woman weighs 40STONE and is so big she hasn't been outside in FOUR years. Daughter uses her thong to hang up her own laundry.
Lead In Lipstick
Consumer report today stated that not only was there lead in a lot of lipsticks, but that wearing a brand with lead when sticking your tongue to a frozen flagpole could be fatal!
The Show Ain't over 'Til the Fat Man Sings!
Former deputy prime minister, John Prescott, has burst into song with "I'm gonna sit right down and write myself a letter." To celebrate the success of reaching 100,000 anti-NHS bill petitions.
Occupy Group Upset
Old Stoner gets kicked out of "Occupy Group" after repeatedly printing signs that say "Hell No,We Won't Go!".
Al-Qaida Leader Killed
Senior al-Qaida leader in Yemen has been killed. Two Freshmen leaders and one Sophomore leader injured.
Airport Security Down
Although passengers are searched carefully at most airports, apparently their luggage is not. Let us hope that no terrorists are reading these round-the-world news reports. Mums the wife....word.
Ratings Week Coming Up!
Both The Cartoon Network and The Wrestling Channel plan to do a special on Whitney Houston next week.
South American mafia infiltrate English soccer!
Tevez and Suarez (and others) are just puppets of the South American mafia. English clubs are dancing to their tunes and paying them millions of bucks; sick Premier league, ole!
USPO To Cut More Jobs!
After announcing that they had lost another billion dollars last month, U S Postal authorities have decided to cut more jobs by refusing to call police during any future disturbances between workers.
UN Discusses Iran Nukes
The United Nations say that if Iran doesn't ditch it's nukes soon, they will begin "Project Isolation"... which is a much better title than "Project World War III".
Ron Paul In Michigan
GOP presidential candidate, Ron Paul, says he wants to place the US back on the gold standard..especially that from Acapulco!
US Unemployment Numbers Down!
United States jobless numbers fall as more "Occupy" people hired to harass political opponents during conventions.
Greek Austerity Begins
Greek OK's austerity measures! Among them, Greek military leaders will have to begin paying for their own boy.
News From Arkansas
Local couple, who have lived and worked together in home beauty salon for 40 years, announced yesterday that they were gay.
China After California?
Insiders say that one thing the President talked to the China VP about was China purchasing California. However, Mr. Obama stated that Mexico always had first dibs.
Changes At Apple
Apple vows to improve working conditions at overseas factories. "We're updating our Core Values", says CEO, Tim Cook.
History Channel Tribute
The History Channel to do a special tonight on Whitney Houston entitled, "Whitney Houston Is History!"
Actress Chloe Sevigny slams Manchester
"I'm not Mad for it"
Afghan president Karzai: Talks With Taliban Have Begun
'So hows the weather over there?'
Rick Santorum Releases Tax Documents
'About $659,000 in 2007, $952,000 in 2008,
$1.1 million in 2009, and about $923,000 in 2010.
Will America vote for someone so poor?
Sun paid Met Police officials 'over £10k a year'
'Congratulations you have won The Sun bingo - here is your prize'
Bill Clinton for World Bank president?
No news yet on the interns...
World Bank Head To Step Down!.
Still claims that having huge head has not hurt his work any.
Big Hearted Husbands
For Valentines Day, over 2,000 U.S. husbands bought their wives a free trip on an Italian Cruise Ship! Over 900 also paid for their mother-in-laws to go with them.
Thief Surrenders To Police
A Minnesota man was arrested for stealing up to $25,000 worth of laundry detergent. He tells police officers at Duluth station where he gave himself up that he had decided to come clean.
Last FEMA trailer exits New Orleans!
Hundreds will now be rounded up and donated to poor American families to bury and use for septic tanks.
Francis Denies Brawl
Stacy Francis Denies Getting Into Brawl with Whitney Houston! Asks reporters: "How you gonna fight with a dead woman?"
"To Your Hoses, Men!"
In Kentucky, a dozen firefighters have been arrested for indecent exposure after water runs out just before fire finally under control.
Trade War Ahead?
United States accuses China of selling counterfeit Studebakers!
Iran Got Nukes Ready?
Western countries even more concerned about a nuclear Iran after Ahmadinejad announces "Today, I'm happier than a tom cat with three peckers!"
Underwear Bomber Apologizes
Underwear bomber faces sentencing! Apologizes to judge, jury and his victims, over 100 eunuchs.
Wal-Mart Winning By Going Back To Basics!
New Commercial: "Come back to Wal-Mart. We have the best choice in dry goods, fertilizer, horse shoes, a dozen different pickles from the pickle barrel and 100-pound sacks of taters!"
Tina Turner Not Dead
Tina Turner upset because of people thinking that she has died. "That was Whitney Houston", she told reporters today. "I'm still here, despite Ike's best efforts."
British man gives birth
That must have been painful.
UK unemployment rate at 16-year high
in remarkably similar news, the UK employment rate is at a 16 year low.
Iran cuts oil supply to six EU countries
Sounds like Iran have been reading Moody's credit ratings...
David Cameron tells Scots 'We are better together'
I reckon he's a secret Irn bru drinker.
Rihanna invites Chris Brown to birthday party...
Three years after he was arrested for domestic violence against her.
If Lady Gaga was 'Born This Way' maybe Riri was just 'Born This Stupid'??
AC Milan 4 Arsene's bunch 0!
Maybe it is better that United are in Amsterdam tonight! English footie needs a reality check!
£438,000 to rent trees for the MP's office block!
"I could think of a good idea to put one of the trees to good use, let Cameron bond with it... anyone got any rope?"
Killer whale spotted off Norfolk Coast!
"Probably after the poor illegal immigrants in the rowing boats!"
David Cameron promises to tackle Alcohol Abuse!
"Promises?... Cameron?... huh!"
100's die in Honduras prison blaze
356 prisoners were feared dead in a prison blaze last night - many burned alive in their cells because fire crews could not find the keys.
Wayne Rooney buys £63,000 racehorse
Makes a change for him, from buying £1000 do high-class nags?
Chocalate Factory Explosion
sends three Oompa Loompa to hospital
'Broke' HSBC worker told to repay £59 of £1million fraud
Eliasia Ho-Shing was told to raise the cash by selling her broken down car for scrap after a confiscation hearing learned she was broke.
Kate Middleton receives Valentine's Day cupcake from admirer aged eight
"Well, that puts terrorism, war, murders, muggings, starvation, cancer, and riots off the front pages?"
Mugging victim fined!
A mugging victim was fined for smoking in the park when lighting up after she had been mugged in Nottingham.
The fine was later rescinded though.
"Caring lot in Nottingham aren't they?"
Council spends £5,180 on bus stop where there is no bus service!
Officials shelled out £1,800 demolishing the old shelter and £2,800 putting up a new one, before residents pointed out the mistake!
Durham, Durham... Durham Durham Durham...
Romney Problems before Primaries
Tri-County Times stringer Tug, tussled with Mitt's son Tagg, who was with Palin's son Track, at The Teabagger, Tebowing anyone who was interested. [Stay tuned]
Russell Brand with Mystery Dog
Still troubled over ex-wife Katy Perry, Brand was seen with a Bichon Frise, which looked like, Firework, humping his leg, outside Club L early Thursday morning.
New Steak added to Ruth Chris Menu
"Due to popular demand we are adding the Tebow steak to our menu, it's a cut, just above the knee," said a spokesman for the popular steakhouse
Santorum accused of trying to out-shout Occupy Protesters
In Washington state earlier this week, Rick Santorum unsuccessfully tried to shout over the cries of Occupy protesters. Said one protester, "Remind me why he thinks we give a shit about his campaign."
Cheeshead Fed Up!
The Governor of Wisconsin threatens to call Brett Favre back to quarterback Green Bay unless Occupy Protesters leave his backyard!
Mystery Disease Kills Thousands
Doctors can't say how many thousands but "We'll give it top priority once we find out exactly where it is!"
Smokehouse Blaze 'Best Smelling Fire We've Seen': Firefighters
"We had to stop twice and go to Denny's Breakfast 'Big Old Bucket of Eggs & Meat!' "
Woman Admits Attempted Murder
Woman Sentenced For Spiking Utah Man's Smoothie With Antifreeze! "I wanted him to die like a dog!"
Finally, Some Good News!
In prostate cancer, other death risks may be higher. So I wouldn't worry too much about dying from the prostate thing.
Latest On Mena Suvari Divorce
Mena Suvari on Her Divorce: "I'm Really, Finally, Absolutely Fully Content! ......Well, maybe still a tad pissed."
Driver Bouldered Over
Driver survives a 20-ton boulder that fell on car roof. "Tis a good thing I warrent in it", says Arkansas pig farmer.
Yellow second hand cars 'most likely to be defective!'
Some of the best-known examples of yellow vehicles, such as Mr Bean's Mini and Del Trotter's Reliant van, do little to contradict the theory.
The safest buy was orange.
"Well fancy that!"
TV Advert for dogs takes a bow-wow!
The one-minute clip advertising dog food contains high frequency noises above 17,000 Hertz - which can only be heard by man's best friend!
"What will they do for Snake food food adverts?
Los Angeles Drive-through funeral parlour
The Robert L. Adams drive-through funeral home first opened in 1974 and is only one of a handful in the US, which also gave the world drive-through restaurants and banks.
"Well what next?"
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