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Rating:

Man Proposes to Girlfriend in Penguin Enclosure

A man dressed in a black suit and white shirt proposed to his girlfriend on Valentine's Day in the penguin enclosure of a zoo. The girlfriend is said to have exclaimed: "WOW, A TALKING PENGUIN!"

written by IN SEINE, 14 February 2012
Rating:

£400,000 of Taxpayers Money Waste Fears

Over £400,000 of UK taxpayers money has been wasted on buying fig trees to adorn the offices of MPs when it has been well known that MPs do not give a fig. Is it any wonder that the economy is in such bad shape?

written by IN SEINE, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Sir Alex Ferguson shows first signs of dementia!

Alex Ferguson has claimed Manchester is closer to Barcelona than Madrid proving he has dementia, because to get to Barcelona or Madrid he's got to go to Amsterdam and that's a million miles away!

written by Jaggedone, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Sean Penn joins Argentine army!

Sean Penn has promised Cristina Kirchner, Argentinian President, that he will join their army and fight the Brits off of their land. She's half German by the way. History does work in strange ways!

written by Jaggedone, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Foxy Knoxy's Ex-Boyfriend Is Writing a Book Using Ghostwriter

Rafaelle Sollecito, ex-boyfriend of Amanda Knox is to write his memoirs using a ghostwriter. Let's hope it's not the ghost of Meredith Kercher

written by IN SEINE, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Adele to take a five-year break from music

Only fair you give everyone else a chance after winning six out of six Grammys!

written by radiogagger, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Fine for man who mooned the Queen

An aussie barman was today fined £510 for mooning the Queen and Prince Philip when they visited Brisbane in 2011.
He said he just wanted to show them the real 'down under'.

written by radiogagger, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Sir Alex Ferguson: Man United not far off Barca and Real Madrid

Sounds like he's started early on the whiskey today.

written by radiogagger, 14 February 2012
Rating:

£45m EuroMillions winners buy £40 tent

And that was just from the interest.

written by radiogagger, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Cher LLoyd: The X Factor have gagged me

If that's true how comes she's bloody mouthing off in the papers every day?

written by radiogagger, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Drunk York student arrested for 'frying hamster!'

Police made the unwelcome discovery of a fried hamster after being called out to reports of a noisy, drunken party in the city's student apartment.

"Was he training to be a chef or vet?"

written by Inchcock, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Commuters step over unconscious schoolboy to get tram

Oliver Tiplady, 14, was on a tram platform at 8am when he fainted cracking his head. Rather than rushing to help, commuters ignored him, some even stepping over him to board their tram.

"Samaritan-less UK!"

written by Inchcock, 14 February 2012
Rating:

For all writers of Valentines Day spoof stories

I know you can't fit a lot of words into the spoof headlines, but I'm not sure that abbreviating Valentines Day to V.D. is working.

written by Roy Turse, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Non-Prescription Reporting Abuse

Not content with waiting for official cause of Whitney's death, CNN are dealing with the possibilities with overkill.
Why don't you deal with more important things in the News, CNN?
Syria perhaps?

written by Exislanda, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Up Australia!

US Nanny found dead and decomposing 30ft up a tree in Oz, I wonder if it was the gum variety?

written by Herrdoktorfox, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Abu Qatada released from jail.

Sounds like their making more space for Sun journalists...

written by radiogagger, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Sun journalists angry at management over arrests.

Hope Rupert is bringing Wendi as his personal guard when he flies into London this week, there might be a few more custard pies coming his way...

written by radiogagger, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Moody's issues nine EU states with credit warnings

Negative outlook for Austria, France & UK. Italy, Malta, Portugal, Spain, Slovakia & Slovenia ratings cut. Oh well, if we go down - unlike the captain of the Costa Concordia - we all go down together!

written by radiogagger, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Suzanne Shaw ends marriage to Jason King

The King marriage is dead? Are you Shaw?

written by radiogagger, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Sex Swap Man First to Give Birth in UK

The man, in his 30s, had the child last year, said transgender group, the Beaumont Society.
He is the forth man do so.

"Well I never!"

written by Inchcock, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Expenses Scandal Is Back - as MPs Claims Soar Again!

MPs' expenses £46.7million this year?
Taxpayer-funded bill for MPs' salaries and expenses, & cost of their staff, is expected to reach a total of £166.7million this financial year.

"Well fancy that!"

written by Inchcock, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Murder suspect Barry Morrow found hanged in prison cell!

Morrow, 52, was due to face trial in May over the deaths of Angela Holgate, 54, and Alice Huyton, 75, whose strangled bodies were found at Mrs Holgate's home in Merseyside.

"Good!"

written by Inchcock, 14 February 2012
Rating:

RBS bankers arrested in tax fraud investigation

HMRC says five current and former employees of Edinburgh-based bank were detained in investigation into personal financial affairs.

"Good news at last!"

written by Inchcock, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Minaj tries to tick off more Catholics than Madonna

Nicki Minaj tried to anger more Catholics than Madonna by performing "Roman Holiday" at the Grammys. She was sad to learn that she has 31 more years of performing to catch up to the Material Girl.

written by Lyndon, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Environmentalist Impact

Environmentalists picketed the White House over President Obama's 2013 proposed budget. They felt that thousands of innocent trees were sacrificed for nothing of substance!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Revised Updated Government Warning Label

Women should not consume alcoholic beverages while in the back seat of an automobile. It may impair cognitive abilities & increase the risk of pregnancy unless utilizing Pres. Obama's free condoms.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Updated Government Warning Label

Women should not consume alcoholic beverages while in the back seat of an automobile. It may impair cognitive abilities and increase the risk of pregnancy.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 February 2012
Rating:

After the Prayer Breakfast

Following his Gospels according to President Obama speech, the president journeyed to Lake Michigan where he walked across the frozen water!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Brave New World

Los Angeles porn stars wearing condoms, people eating soup having orgasms and liberated women taking a stand against dry skin!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Green Political Correctness

The term "rabid environmentalists" is frowned upon, such that all new references to such people and organizations will employ the term "environmental whackos!"

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 February 2012
Rating:

New Direction for PETA

The organization People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is changing its name to People for the Ethical Treatment of Arseholes (PETA). The group's new focus is the Obama administration!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Taxpayers Rejoice

Maryland's governor has increased his 2013 budget by $1 billion. However, some savings will be achieved by limiting state employees and students to one sheet of toilet paper per potty break!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Deer Me

Each year Americans run into deer on the highways, totaling their automobiles. Such accidents are very expensive, especially if the deer has no collision insurance!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 February 2012
Rating:

Rabid Environmentalist Lawsuit

The Obama administration is being sued over US Navy testing of SONAR along the West Coast potentially harassing porpoises, dolphins and whales. Obama sends in the SEALs to take care of the lawyers!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 February 2012
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