Homeless impoverished Martians greet US spaceship with empty hands!
It cost $2,5 billion to get there and the first thing the US space robot meets is homeless Martians with begging bowls and starving. It should have stayed at home; there's plenty of them there too!
Man hurt as brick thrown at car windscreen in Salford
The incident caused the car to crash into a traffic light and the driver suffered a serious head injury.
"With so many local police at the Olympics, what's the odds of finding the culprit?"
Cameron poised to drop Lords reforms!
Coalition to announce abandonment of constitutional changes to focus on 'jobs, jobs, jobs', (More lies) striking a blow to Nick Clegg.
Focus on jobs... ha!
Taxpayers will have to £3.6 billion for London's new sewer!
Liberal Democrat MP Simon Hughes asks why public money is being spent to build the Thames tunnel, which will benefit a debt-laden private water company.
"As if we don't know!"
It's just not cricket
A new species of cricket has been found by a BBC/Discovery Channel TV crew filming in a Venezuelan cave. Scientists say, however, that it is still not a type of cricket Americans will understand.
Bottle thrown on tarck at start of 100m final
Well, the Olympic Committee have to give their sponsors some exposure on the BBC.
Zombies invade the US Congress
Oh wait a minute they're just members of Congress. SORRRY! Never mind. My bad.
Team GB collect 6 medals on 'Super Saturday'
It's very hard to write jokes about British sports stars that are actually successful. Thank god for the footballers.
Soldiers bussed in to fill empty seats at Olympics
They should offer the empty seats to terrorists, at least that way the army know where they are...
Jesus on Twitter
Twitter has no explanation to offer as to why Jesus Christ who returned to earth last June to judge the living and the dead only managed to get 2 followers on his Twitter account in as many months.