Spoof news snippets from August 2012
There were 391 spoof news snippets published in August 2012. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Swiss stadium name anticlimax
The England football team were disappointed that they had to play a game against Italy tonight. They had been informed that they were going to Wankdorf.
Big doings at New York's Citi Field tonight. The Mets are retiring Bernie Madoff's number. It's 162 million.
Happened in Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Indian Olympic TV Ratings Suffer
With the Indian blackout causing 700 million people to use power, Indian TV has regretfully reported a decline of 50% in household Olympic viewership. Advertisers are vehemently demanding refunds.
Mitt Romney 'Oops' Moment
Right about now: Is Mitt Romney having a giant Texas size Rick Perry 'oops' moment about his pick of Paul Ryan for vice president?
Zombies invade the US Congress
Oh wait a minute they're just members of Congress. SORRRY! Never mind. My bad.
Romney "No one is asking for my birth certificate"
Asked if anyone is asking for his tax records, Mr. Romney spun three sixty on his right heel, then left the podium.
Neil Armstrong first astronaut to enter heaven!
God has allowed Neil Armstrong to enter his heaven because Neil proved that by being the first man on the moon there were no satanic radio stations there influencing evil people on earth!
Clarity on the Murdoch Ashram Plans
A spokesperson has clarified that Rupert Murdoch will not begin wearing a dress with no underwear to prepare for a apiritual journey to an ashram in India-at this time.
Clint Eastwood Endorses Mitt Romney
The same actor who played a cowboy in Two Mules For Sister Sara, and mistook a hooker for a nun, endorses Mitt Romney for President! Your move Harry; Reid, not Dirty.
What We Really Want to Know?
Whilst playing strip billiards, where did Prince Harry keep his chalk?
Obama Apologizes to The Moon
He promises to return all the rocks we stole.
We Shall Never Know…
Did Neil Armstrong REALLY set foot upon the Moon?
Yorkshire Man Left Angry by Chip Shop
A man who bought a savelloy & chips from a Bradford chip shop was left very annoyed when he realised that he was eating his meal from a copy of the Sun's photo of Prince Harry in the buff!
Elton John calls Madonna a 'fairground stripper'
Surely if she was a fairground stripper, she wear more denim?
Van Persie & Rooney offered £220,000 a week!
According to reports, Van Persie has been offered £220000-a-week in wages, just under Wayne Rooney's salary, if he joins Man Utd.
"While I live on £124 a week pension... oh I am pleased for them!"
Olympics in Rio
The Rio Olympics will be the cheapest ever, with the Brazilians promising to shave a considerable amount off the cost.
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 113
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 115
Sue S. Canal
67, 500 People Forced to Wait Upto 12 Hours on A&E Trolleys
Up to 67,500 people are being forced to wait up to 12 hours for a hospital bed and are lying upon A&E trolleys. The government plan to sell all of the A&E trolleys in order to eradicate the problem.
"It adder be you!"
A Snake handler at a West Midlands Safari park bitten by King Cobra, he obviously did not handle that very well!!
Mitt Romney releases first campaign podcast
His PR manager told staff at least the public wont know he's lying because they can't see his lips move.
Coleen Nolan: I made a sex tape with Shane Richie
I'm not sure what's worse, a Shane Richie sex tape, or a normal episode of Eastenders.
Romney: I Paid 13 Percent in Taxes
Unlucky for some. Mainly non-millionaires who are not planning on voting for him.
Long Running Radio Show, The Archers Is Too Sexy
The BBC's long-running radio show, The Archers is to be renamed 50 Shades Of Hay after it has lost 400,000 listeners because it has become too raunchy.
Berwick Rangers 1 Rangers (Newco formerly Glasgow) 1
So, finally one of Scotland's big two have finally decided to play league football in England.
Stevie Wonder Files for Divorce
Stevie Wonder filed for divorce. According to reports, he and his wife didn't see eye to eye.
Bad headline: number 108
Julian Assange escapes UK police Ecudorian Embassy
Cunningly disguised as cricket legend David Gower!
Loch Ness monster hunter claims best picture of Nessie!
After spending 60 hours a week on Loch Ness for 26 years, monster hunter George Edwards, believes he finally has the best picture ever taken!
Bank Holiday Deluge Forecast
Prince Harry does a Paris Hilton!
Photos of naked Prince Harry and his naked bird are flying over the internet. They have caused a sensation in the Royal Family because at last they have a Prince who can keep up their fine tradition!
Paper clips have been banned by Manchester NHS
NHS Trust made the decision to stop the use of the metal clips after a member of staff cut their finger on one.
"Good job they did't stick a hypodermic in their finger - they might have been banned!"
Trapped South African hippo was their star Olympic swimmer!
A hippo trapped in a South African swimming pool was actually their secret weapon for the Olympics! Sadly it got stuck after failing to learn how to turn!
Lance Armstrong never took drugs, just performance enhancers!
Lance Armstrong claims he never too drugs, but admits he took performance enhancers and that has nothing to do with drugs so the Tour authorities are full of merde!
Suri: "I wanna stay with Daddy because he has more toys."
Suri has cast her vote: she wants to live with Pops. "Let's face it," says the Materialistic Girl. "Who makes $25 million a film? One hint: it ain't Mommy."
Norwegian Court declares killer Breivik to be sane.
Seriously, with that haircut?
The Sun newspaper publishes Harry naked Vegas photos
The good news is they didn't hack his camera-phone to get them.
Lance Armstrong launches music career
Covers 'It Wasn't Me' by Shagggggggggggggggggggggggggy.
New Olympic Sport to Be Introduced
A new Olympics sport is to be introduced in Rio 2016. Thanks to Prince Harry it will be called "Strip Billiards".
NBC Olympic coverage 5 hours behind actual time
Now all you gotta do is find a bookmaker willing to take bets on it...
Amazon says Kindle ebook sales have overtaken print
For every 100 hardback and paperback books it sells on its UK site, 114 ebooks are downloaded.
And of every 114 downloaded - 99 of them are '50 Shades of Grey'
Bad Headline: Number 113
Soldiers bussed in to fill empty seats at Olympics
They should offer the empty seats to terrorists, at least that way the army know where they are...
Team GB collect 6 medals on 'Super Saturday'
It's very hard to write jokes about British sports stars that are actually successful. Thank god for the footballers.
Homeless impoverished Martians greet US spaceship with empty hands!
It cost $2,5 billion to get there and the first thing the US space robot meets is homeless Martians with begging bowls and starving. It should have stayed at home; there's plenty of them there too!
American Idol Offers Katy Perry $20 Million...
Not to sing. Or talk. Just to turn up with a low cut top on. Her agent is holding out for double.
Hoots Mon there's a lion loose, aroond this hoose!
Reports of a 'loose' lion prowling around Essex, "fair go cobber, the poor bastard is probably looking for the yellow brick road!"
Man sets fire to home by microwaving his underwear!
Firefighters saved an apartment from after its domestically challenged resident tried to dry his wet underwear in a microwave oven.
Memo to self: : A microwave is for leftovers, not your boxers
Karl Rove's Pets
Karl Rove has a new dog named Machiavello. His cat is named Machiavella. His goldfish are the Machiavellae.
Louise Mensch quits as MP
To spend more time with Rupert Murdoch, I mean her family.
Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak predicts problems with cloud computing
Too much rain (or is that just London?)
Usain Bolt's gold medal 100m run attracts 20m UK TV viewers
I'm just glad it wasn't on ITV, they might have missed the 9.63 second race by accidentally showing a tic-tac advert.
The British Army Discovered New Weapon against Taleban
By posing naked in front of some heavy artillery, some troops who performed the stunt have managed to kill 42 insurgents in a single day. The Taleban members all died laughing! What a way to die?
Nick Clegg runs the country
It was revealed today that Nick Clegg has been running the country for the last 10 days as David Cameron has been freeloading it at the Olympics with Boris Johnson, Rupert Murdoch and Jeremy Hunt...
Soldiers NOT Naked!
At least 21 soldiers who were posing naked in front of 2 tanks claim they were wearing the very latest "STEALTH" uniform - Army issue of course!
Victoria Pendleton could earn £1m a year after retirement
MInd you, they said the same about Shergar...
FC Barcelona sign Brazilian boy without feet!
FC Barcelona have signed a Brazilian 11 year-old born without feet, which is a very special feat having no feet and playing soccer; his nickname is "Pele Twinkle No Toes"!
Indian newspaper praises Mayor of London Boris Johnson.
They said more Indian politicians should be like him.
Be careful what you wish for...
Bomb Found outside London Mosque
The Metropolitan police want to reassure the public that they safely pushed it inside the mosque.
Sky devotes HD channel to James Bond.
I'm not subscribing till they devote a HD channel to Halle Berry.
Payday lenders launch 284% APR 12-month loans
Sounds like a bargain, compared to their short term loan rates of 3,984% APR
GB sprinter wins gold and silver in the schizophrenic 100 metres.
It has been reported that George Michael will be performing at the Olympics 2012 closing ceremony......the gents toilet, third cubicle on the right!
Millions of black holes found in the Royal Albert Hole not space!
Scientists have made an amazing discovery; millions of black holes in the Royal Albert Hall! John Lennon was right in his "Day in the life" and now he's in heaven; "Imagine" that!
Amy Winehouse's Ex Husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, Fighting For His Life
Another Gold medal for #TeamGB?
USA win gold medal in Womens Olympics Soccer
They said USA didn't have a hope against World Champions Japan, they were wrong, #TeamUSA had Hope Solo.
Iraqi asylum seeker rioter given £3million home!
Nasir Muhsen, 18, who terrorised restaurant diners and smashed up shops was living in a £3million flat at the expense of British taxpayers.
"There will never be peace while this happens!"
Pensioner knocked over in Nottingham
Inchcock Chambers had his right foot ran over and he was knocked into the bushes. But escaped with a bruised toe and foot, and jarred shoulder.
The driver shot off on his mobility scooter!
Boozy couple invent daughter to get lift home
Next week they'll be applying for child benefit.
Vietnamese airline fined for mid-flight 'bikini show'
They should have waited until after the duty-free
Michael Gove is under fire for selling playing fields to Tesco!
The Education Secretary has given "approval in principle" for Newquay Tretherras Academy in Cornwall to sell land and buildings to Tesco.
"Every little helps?"
Rooney wants to go to Juventus!
Well, he'll never turn down an approach from an High class Old Lady!
Odds on Wayne Rooney's next club have been shortened!
It's now 8/11 Stringfellows, 3/1 Spearmint Rhino.
Australia to build off-shore asylum homes in Guernsey!
Australia has had its gutful with illegal immigrants and will now build off-shore asylum homes in Guernsey! The reasons; Guernsey is tax-free, its far away and the Brits owe Australia a favour or two!
Tony Blair wanted to end speech with: "God bless Britain"
However, the former Prime Minister said his suggestion provoked such strong concern from civil servants that he was forced to drop the idea.
"Not one of his better ideas was it?"
Boris: I'm more likely to go to Mars with Elvis than replace PM
"I've booked him a ticket to Mars Sputnik 239, and arranged for Elvis to meet him there!"
"It cost over £4m, but I'm sure Cameron will pay it for him!"
Government To Limit Cost To Taxpayers Of Caring For The Elderly.
The government has announced it is to limit the cost of care in old age to a maximum of £35,OOO. Said Prime Minister Mr Cameron, "After that the useless eaters will have to pay for their own care."
For the first Time in History…
For the 1st time in history, 2 gay judges 'tried' each other in a private sitting at Much Wenlock Magistrates Court in Shropshire.
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 119
Arsenal fans celebrate the end of an era
By selling Robin Van Persie to Manchester United, they will no longer be known as a feeder club to Manchester City.
Arsene Wenger promises to invest
Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger has promised fans the club will invest the £24 million fee from Manchester United for Robin Van Persie. They are considering building society accounts that pay 6% per annum.
Inseine Accused of Being a Member of the Illuminati
… After being caught smoking "E-lites".
Who Are the Other 8 Million?
According to motor-mouth, Jeremy Clarkson, Britain is a nation of 62 million "utter bastards" . That means that 8 million are not - most of these include politicians, bankers and TV presenters.
13-year-old can't stop giggling at "Free Pussy Riot" signs
HASLETT, MI--Andy Boxtun can't stop laughing at slogans made in defense of the Russian punk band, including "Free Pussy Riot", "Pussy Riot is Not a Crime", and "First They Came for the Pussy Riot."
A man died today after eating some cornflakes this morning. It was believed by scientists that the corn came from a field in Wiltshire which contained the crop circle of unknown origin.
Scalia Robe Hides 1s & 2s
Asked post-Aurora whether the Court would regulate 100-round assault weapons, Judge Scalia said, "We'll see." Easy to be tough when your robe covers the loose bowels you'd have running for the exit.
Pussy Riot band sent to prison in Russia
Madonna and Lady Gaga have agreed to form a tribute act to cover the remaining Pussy Riot tour dates.
Romney running mate Ryan releases tax details
He paid 20% in 2011 and 15.9% in 2010.
I'm sure he'll get a better deal now he's in with the Mitt crowd.
Chess Champ Garry Kasparov arrested at Pussy Riot protest
Everyone wants the pussy let loose.
Rio Ferdinand fined £45k for choc-ice tweet
He should have stuck to the Cornettos.
Britney Spears tweets Mars Curiosity
In the future, your grandchildren will ask you "Mommy, pop - where were you when Britney Spears tweeted the Mars Curiosity Rover?" SO MAKE A NOTE OF IT NOW!
(Or tell them you were reading the spoof)
Mail on Sunday find Mo Farah's twin brother
Surprisingly they haven't called for him to be deported...
Hawkins poses the ultimate question for mankind
At a Conference today, Prof. Dickie Hawkins posed a conundrum regarding the existence of God. 'If he's in control of everything,' he said, 'how is it that he allows a smug egotist like me to evolve?'
Jesus Christ Superstar reject tells all
Performer Joshua Cohen today broke his silence about his rejection from the first round of TV's 'Superstar'. 'They said I looked too Jewish,' he claims.
Spoofer reaches 400 snippets
Spoofer has reached the 400 snippet milestone, and discovers that his 400th snippet is rather dull.
RVP United; RIP Arsenal
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