18/04/12 HMG: Petrol Prices to reach £1.60 a litre
"Just thought I'd cheer you up!"
Man Shoots Nail Into His Heart - And Survives
Dennis Hennis, 52, was trying to clear a jammed nail gun when he fired it into his chest, puncturing the right side of his heart.
He said he felt like he'd won the lottery!
"Good for him!"
Nude maid service raising eyebrows in Texas city
Police in this staunchly conservative West Texas city are keeping close tabs on a young entrepreneur's recently opened cleaning service that offers nude maids!
"Bet their keeping a close eye on em!"
NC town's police chief can't shoot, loses gun and badge
Police Chief Thomas Bennett was suspended as a law enforcement officer after failing his recent annual firearms qualification exam.
"Bit worrying that!"
Alabama judge orders man to jail for wearing sagging pants
A man has been given a three-day jail sentence for contempt of court for wearing so-called saggy pants. The judge told Ramsey to buy pants that fit or a belt when he gets out of jail!
"Bit keen that?"
Straight male stroke patients are turning "gay"!
Male sufferers of strokes (especially back strokes) are turning gay because the stroke "bends" a nerve and ex-hunky Welsh Rugby players have proved the point after a scrum or two!
Proven: Only female mosquitoes bite people!
Only female mosquitoes bite people and feed on blood for egg production.
"I'm not surprised at all!"
6 puppies, mother dog abandoned in Ohio suitcase!
A man who tried to abandon 6 puppies by zipping them inside a suitcase and leaving it outside an Ohio business was charged after it was found he'd left his contact information attached.
French police seize 13 tons of tiny Eiffel Towers
Police say they've seized around 13 tons of mini Eiffel Towers. They say a Paris souvenir shop owner, husband & son also were arrested accused of selling the towers without a permit.
"Another violent crime prevented!"
Vt. governor chased by 4 bears in backyard
Vermont Gov. Peter Shumlin says he was chased and nearly caught by four bears that were raiding his birdfeeders.
"The bear-faced cheek!"
Five reasons to give Chelsea hope (v Barcelona)
1. Ref is a friend of Roman Abramovitch
2. Lionel Messi doesn't like weather in London.
3. Barcelona team arrested for not paying congestion charge.
4. Chelsea switch floodlights off.
BBC3 change name of sketch show
Originally to be called Moob Town, after James Corden turned down a part it will now be called Boom Town.
Mario Balotelli says he has "no intention of leaving" Manchester City this summer.
He's chaining himself to the goalposts.
Aquascrotum 'in administration'
Iconic swimwear manufacturer blames wrong kind of water
Chelsea 'not afraid of Barcelona'
It's the ref that f***ed them last time.
American Jim Yong Kim beats Nigerian Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala To Be President Of The World Bank
'I have no hard feelings,' said the Nigerian Finance Minister. 'Indeed, I know of the fortune of a deceased, heir-less millionaire which can be sent to the World Bank if Mr Kim pays an initial fee.'
Mob rampage in Wigan McDonalds.
Normally I'd blame Mad Cow disease, but this was before they ate their cheeseburgers.
Talksport to broadcast Premier League matches in Spanish and Mandarin.
Good news for Athletico Wigan manager Roberto Martinez.
Church of England to Make Sunday Schools Compulsory
Education secretary, Michael Gove wishes that the Church of England would take a more active role in children's education. Therefore, Sunday school will be made compulsory!
Australian troops to pull out of Afghanistan.
They run out of Fosters.
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 23
" Scientific Exercises in Cloning"
Adele is nominated for 4 Ivor Novellos
Lets hope Blur don't turn up to do a spot when she's in the middle of her acceptance speech...
Rihanna and Katy Perry wo-mance continues at Coachella
Ohhh to be the filling in that sandwich...
Courtney Love says sorry to daughter on Twitter
Read more from Courtneys new book 'How Not To Be A Mother - Chapter 34'
Pippa Middleton faces probe over gun incident (AOL headline)
Form an orderly queue gents...
Burglar arrested in shower after champagne & meal
Police say a naked burglar has been arrested while taking a shower after he sipped champagne and ate a meal in a California family's home, while robbing it!