European Court Of Human Wrongs!
Due to rain over the bank holiday the ECOHR has decreed that £10,000 in compensation must be paid to any foreign national that came over during the weekend.
Rock on Tommy.
Bruce Forsyth to share stage with Bob Dylan at upcoming Hop Farm gig, Bob says after tossing a coin he'll sweep the stage from the left and Brucie will come in with his broom and sweep from the right.
Mourinho aims for a bullseye instead of talking bull.
Real Madrid boss Jose Mourinho has given his pre-match news conference another miss. It's the 45th he has avoided since taking over at the Bernabeu in 2010. His assistant, Aitor Karanka, deputised.
Chief constable of South Yorkshire Police has denied reports he is taking police off the beat and replacing them with community 'cardboard' coppers....don't tell Greggs they are making a fortune!
FIA confirms Bahrain GP to go ahead
it would have been too dangerous for it to go backwards.
Up, up, up, in a puff of smoke!
As the South Korean comic said;" Whats long and hard, but can't get it up?"...a Korean rocket...boom boom!
Brits prefer soggy snacks rather than steamy sex!
UK citizens prefer a fatty snack before they go to bed rather than steamy sex in bed. There are "69" ways to lose weight and they all start with hot sex, so get blowing and sucking!
Back To School
According to Katy Perry Jessie J is "schooling everyone". I bet she felt like a London teacher when that bloke got stabbed at her gig.
Nicolas Anelka becomes player-manager of Chinese side Shanghai Shenhua
'Le Sulk' becomes 'Le Boss'
And after losing first match in charge becomes 'Le Sulking Boss'
Ecclestone confirms Bahrain Grand Prix will go ahead
As a precaution all drivers will wear crash helmets.
Amy Winehouse 'speaks to dad via psychic'
'Send us a bottle of vodka and some fags dad'
'Stampede' feared as retailer rations stamp sales ahead of price increase
I'm off down the post office with my jerry can to fill up.
James Bond defects from ITV to Sky.
I'm looking forward to Halle Berry in High Definiton.
Teen hackers block Scotland Yard's anti-terrorism hotline.
Oh well, makes a difference from harassing potential girlfriends of One Direction singers on social networks.
Boris Johnson bans anti-gay bus ads
And to make it worse we're stuck with the Banking adverts on the Bojo bikes.
Lady Gaga to marry?
Marry The Night?
'Gay cure' adverts banned from London buses.
Transport for London has banned adverts that suggest gay people can be cured by therapy.
They refused to comment on claims that half an hour on a Boris bike can turn people gay in the first place.
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 19
"The Breakfast Chef"
Chris P. Bacon
Pensioners to scrub Westbury's white horse clean!
The landmark underwent a £20,000 refurbishment in 2006.
Rotary club members with an average age of 72, have volunteered to abseil down and scrub a Wiltshire hillfigure!
After Wigan taking off: Rooney next club is?
Odds on Wayne Rooney's next club have been shortened. It's now 8/11 Stringfellows, 3/1 Spearmint Rhino.
Ha ha ha!
Rooney and Sir Alex Fergie have changed their Facebook status
Following Rooney's being taken off against Wigan, Wayne Rooney and Sir Alex Ferguson have changed their Facebook status from "In a relationship" to "It's complicated".
Ministers are planning a fresh tax raid on pensions!
Treasury advisers are considering plans to tax the basic state pension at source, a move that re-ignites the pensioners' revolt against the "granny tax" announced in last month's Budget.
Black market gear costs Britain £30bn in lost taxes
Black marketeers flogging cigs, booze and diesel were yesterday revealed to have cost the UK almost £30billion in lost taxes.
"Are you surprised? I'm not"
Liverpool don't sack Dalglish
Despite taking full responsibility for the players he's signed, Kenny Dalglish has not been sacked. Instead, Damien Comolli, who negotiated the deals for Dalglish, has been fired.
North Korea joins the air race
North Korea has launched its first paper aeroplane. It rose to a height of seven and a half feet before crashing down. The crowd of 250,000 people cheered with gusto at its success. Next, a balloon!