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Pastimes

The average Brit spends 5 months of their lives in their shed…hiding from the TV license inspector.

written by Backandtotheleft, 10 April 2012
Rating:

George W. Bush receives new brain

The op took place yesterday with Bush receiving a chimps brain. His neurosurgeon, Dr Graham Matter, was asked if there would be any noticeable change in his behaviour. "I doubt it." Replied Dr Matter.

written by Simon Saunders, 10 April 2012
Rating:

Dalglish wants referees to say sorry

Liverpool boss Kenny Dalglish reckons refs should explain controversial decisions and apologise when they get things wrong.
I wonder if he'll apologise to Liverpool fans for his awful signings.

written by Simon Saunders, 10 April 2012
Rating:

Cameron on successful trade mission to Japan

David Cameron praised a new trade agreement between Britain and Japan. In return for being renamed "Hello Kitty Island" Britain will get 300 tonnes of whalemeat and a karaoke machine for every school.

written by CaptainSausage, 10 April 2012
Rating:

Obama shows no mercy

160 million Americans (42%) sickened by prospect of government controlled health care; Obama actively lobbies against known cure.

written by waterman, 10 April 2012
Rating:

"Flock of seagulls" delay Titanic cruise!

The memorial cruise of the Titanic was delayed because the MS Balmoral was attacked by a "Flock of Seagulls" humming "Wishing (I had a photograph of you") creepy! Maybe sailors are right after all?

written by Jaggedone, 10 April 2012
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Marlins suspend manager Ozzie Guillen for 5 games

Guillen was suspended for five games Tuesday because of his comments about Fidel Castro. "When I said he had cojones I meant baseballs," said the apologetic Venezuelan, Guillen

written by JAB, 10 April 2012
Rating:

Chancellor Shocked By The Rich

George Osbourne claims to be shocked that some of the super rich pay as little as 10% tax on their earnings.

You'd of thought one of his super rich friends would've told him about it.

written by Simon Saunders, 10 April 2012
Rating:

Spanish King's Grandson Shoots Himself in the Foot

The 13-year-old grandson of Spain's King Juan Carlos has accidentally shot himself in the foot. Apparently the lad's OK. This is a daily routine for Prime Minister, David Cameron.

written by IN SEINE, 10 April 2012
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Anders Breivik Is Not Insane

The spoof writer, Inseine is quite mad at claims that Norwegian massmurderer, Anders Breivik is insane. "If anyone is Inseine, then it's me!" He said today from his padded cell.

written by IN SEINE, 10 April 2012
Rating:

Robert Mugabe Is Seriously Ill

Zimbabwe's president, Robert Mugabe is reported to be seriously ill. This is not really news, but it does confirm suspicions that he has been seriously ill since taking power from Britain in 1980 .

written by IN SEINE, 10 April 2012
Rating:

Hamza To Go

The European union have granted Great Britain to deport the hate preacher Abu Hamza to the US. The majority of the British public are saying in unison: "yeah, sling yer hook, Hamza!"

written by IN SEINE, 10 April 2012
Rating:

5 simple ways to beat traffic. (AOL lifestyle headline)

1. Stay at home.
2. Go to prison.
3. Red Bull gives you wings!
4. Move to the desert.
5. Only travel between 1am-6am

written by radiogagger, 10 April 2012
Rating:

Family's grief over 'plot'

The family of a Wall Street executive was stunned to find the cemetery plot bought 29 years ago was occupied. Occupy Wall Street denies involvement, "Our dead are in the 99% plots not the 1% ones."

written by JAB, 10 April 2012
Rating:

Alec Baldwin's alleged stalker hit with temporary restraining order

Montreal actress, Genevieve Sabourin said, "I'm not crazy -- just nuts, over Alec."

written by JAB, 10 April 2012
Rating:

Ashley Judd Calls Media's Puffy-Face Controversy "Nasty, Gendered and Misogynistic"

Rapper Chris Brown, ex soul mate of Rihanna, commented, "I hate the word 'misogynistic'"

written by JAB, 10 April 2012
Rating:

David Beckham to Become Elle Magazine's First Solo Male Cover..

The mag will be renamed 'Del' for one issue only...

written by radiogagger, 10 April 2012
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Lady Gaga announces UK tour dates:

July 1st - Dog And Duck Peckham
July 2nd - Kings Head Dulwich
July 3rd - Queens Legs Nunhead
July 4th - TBC

written by radiogagger, 10 April 2012
Rating:

Cruise ship follows in Titanic's footsteps -100 years on

Watch out for the icebergs!

written by radiogagger, 10 April 2012
Rating:

Should Britain scrap bank holidays?

Think-tank reveals public days off cost the economy £18bn a year.

Bloody spoil sports!

written by radiogagger, 10 April 2012
Rating:

George Osborne 'shocked' by rich tax dodgers

Except the ones he's related too presumably.

written by radiogagger, 10 April 2012
Rating:

Punch Taverns upbeat about 2012

'We know the country is in decline, were hoping if people are going to suffer they'll be crying into their beer'

written by radiogagger, 10 April 2012
Rating:

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 16

"I Ran the Boston Marathon"

by

Emma I Tired.

written by IN SEINE, 10 April 2012
Rating:

Mario Balotelli confuses Mancini with a sex-doll

Manchester City player, Mario Balotelli has confused his manager with a blow-up doll. "I love my manager," he said. "and I let it down." He was last seen buying a puncture repair kit.

written by IainB, 10 April 2012
Rating:

Do the EuroMillions Lotto this Easter!

In the EuroMillions, each ticket has a one in 116 million chance of the jackpot!

"The odds would be longer of finding an honest MP in the UK!"

written by Inchcock, 10 April 2012
Rating:

HS2: 50,000 bodies 'to be exhumed' for high speed rail link

50,000 bodies will need to be exhumed to make way for the new HS2 rail line from London to Birmingham,

"Just the ticket for the unemployed who have got to do work for free?"

written by Inchcock, 10 April 2012
Rating:

Drivers stop hit and run escape

Pennsylvania: A motorist ran into the back of cyclist, the driver sped off. A bus driver blocked him, & a car pulled up behind, stopping the driver from leaving the scene.

"Great stuff, well done!"

written by Inchcock, 10 April 2012
Rating:

Boy Needs 30 Stitches After Pufferfish Attack

Tom Horn, (5), was bitten wading with his family on Thursday Island, Queensland.

Pufferfish grow to a length of only 14 inches but have powerful teeth-filled jaws.

"Jaws in miniature!"

written by Inchcock, 10 April 2012
Rating:

Alaska's largest city breaks seasonal snow record

Anchorage has been walloped by snow.
City snow removal men hauled more than 2.5 million cubic yards of snow to the city's six snow disposal sites!

"Cor blimus!"

written by Inchcock, 10 April 2012
Rating:

Baby born on a plane

Using shoe laces sterilised in vodka and hot towels from business class, a baby boy was delivered on a Delta flight bound for Africa!

"A baby alcoholic with a towel fetish in the making there!"

written by Inchcock, 10 April 2012
Rating:

Asylum seeker claimed £750m over prison sex ban!

A failed asylum seeker tried to claim up to £750 million in compensation from the Government because he is not allowed to have sex with his girlfriend in prison!

"Cheeky git!"

written by Inchcock, 10 April 2012
Rating:

Burglars caught by their own security cameras!

4 burglars have been jailed after a CCTV system they installed at one of their own homes filmed them carrying loot back from a robbery!

"I like it, I like it!"

written by Inchcock, 10 April 2012
Rating:

Cat returned to owner after 16 years!

A German woman was preparing on Wednesday for an emotional reunion with her long-lost cat, after 16 years apparently living in the woods, an animal home said.

"Mmmm!"

written by Inchcock, 10 April 2012
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