Spoof news snippets from April 2012
There were 766 spoof news snippets published in April 2012. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Real Working Mom Ann Romney
So how many housemaids, butlers, cooks, gardeners, baby sitters, nannies, window cleaners and tutors did this "couple of Cadillacs" driving mom really have?
Rupert Murdoch: Dealing with Blair 'like porcupines mating'
Yep, lots of pricks, nasty business
Rape on Increase in Farming Community
In the drought-stricken areas of the UK, farmers are being forced to resort to rape. "It's such a versatile, quick growing and high yield crop that requires little water!" one farmer was heard to say.
Liverpool don't sack Dalglish
Despite taking full responsibility for the players he's signed, Kenny Dalglish has not been sacked. Instead, Damien Comolli, who negotiated the deals for Dalglish, has been fired.
The Return of Michael Jackson Expected Imminently
Michael Jackson will be appearing on stage at a theatre near you... as a hologram. This is nothing new as a hologram of Elvis Presley has been working in a chip shop in Cardiff for years!
David Cameron to Increase RAF Aircraft
Following his historic visit to Burma, David Cameron has secured the release of 20 Spitfires which were buried in crates during WW2. "I'm sure that this will keep Britain safe from invaders" he said.
Secret Service tightens up rules: no more skanky whores
Being in the U.S. Secret Service has just become less fun: agents are to no longer drink excessively and, if they do, they best not be consorting with skanky whores. And if they do, they're to pay up.
Fingernails of the Stars! New Reality TV Show Has People Biting Their Nails!
Success of Paint Peeling which drew over 6 million American viewers has lead to a new Reality show, watching star's fingernails grow. Lindsay Lohan, Oprah Winfrey are just two of the nails you'll see.
Band headline: number 99
EXTINCT ANIMALS MAY LOSE PROTECTION
Taleban Are Thinking of Using Chuggers
Desperate for cash to help them with their insurgency in Afghanistan, the Taleban are appealing to the Muslim world for financial help. They are considering employing George Galloway as a chugger in Bradford.
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 17
Council Accused of Wasting Money
Stoke-on-Trent council are to spend £10,000 on DVDs to show tenants how to do basic DIY jobs. This is a waste of money as most tenants cannot afford a TV licence, let alone a DVD player.
Children Worldwide Are Disappointed
Disney Studios has now confirmed it to be true: Peter Pan was a cross-dresser.
Spanish King's Grandson Shoots Himself in the Foot
The 13-year-old grandson of Spain's King Juan Carlos has accidentally shot himself in the foot. Apparently the lad's OK. This is a daily routine for Prime Minister, David Cameron.
UFO Appears on the Face of Belgian Girl
Not only has Belgian girl, Kimberly Vlaminck, 18, had 56 stars tattooed on her face, a UFO was found just above her right eyebrow. It turned out to be a bit of toast & marmalade which stuck there.
North Korea joins the air race
North Korea has launched its first paper aeroplane. It rose to a height of seven and a half feet before crashing down. The crowd of 250,000 people cheered with gusto at its success. Next, a balloon!
Facebook buy Instagram for $1 billion.
Maan - If I had a billion dollars I'd be buying strppergrams.
Obama's comment on Free Trade with Columbia
President Obama in Cartagena, Columbia said, "A $47 a night hooker for secret service agents proves that free trade with Columbia is a myth, on the other hand, it illustrates stimulus does work."
Stethoscope-wielding Doc to teenager diagnosed with bad chest:
"Big breaths, now".
"Yeth, Doctor, and I'm only thickthteen."
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 26
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 28
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 29
Earl E. Riser
Iron Man Deux
Mike Tyson launches one-man show in Vegas........bet that's a knockout!
So Farewell, Prof Ferdinand Alexander Porsche.
I understand your cars are popular with a certain section of the market. If I had the money, I have to admit I'm a Maserati man myself, but well done to you, anyway.
Aussie cricketer compliments English heckler
"Great Slate Mate"
5 simple ways to beat traffic. (AOL lifestyle headline)
1. Stay at home.
2. Go to prison.
3. Red Bull gives you wings!
4. Move to the desert.
5. Only travel between 1am-6am
Columbian hose order mistaken for attempt to buy whores
A simple order for garden hose has led to the suspension and/or firing of 11 Secret Service agents. Due to lack of rain, agents wanted to hose down a backdrop where Mr. Obama was to speak.
Women of 50 invisible on TV, says Samantha Bond.
Eh? Who said that? Where did that voice come from?
NBC Apologizes for Shoddy Editing of Zimmerman Call
Why the fuss, mistakes happen, here is a sentence pasted from Wikipedia,
NBC is sometimes referred to as the "cock Network." Looks harmless to me.
Hosepipe ban puts lives at risk says fireman.
Fireman say lives are being put at risk after hosepipe bans are being introduced across the Uk. Fireman who rely on hosepipes must now try and stamp out fires with there feet.
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 30
Bill Jerome Home
Black market gear costs Britain £30bn in lost taxes
Black marketeers flogging cigs, booze and diesel were yesterday revealed to have cost the UK almost £30billion in lost taxes.
"Are you surprised? I'm not"
Aquascrotum 'in administration'
Iconic swimwear manufacturer blames wrong kind of water
Pluto No Longer Mickey Mouse Cartoon Character
Pluto, originally classified as a Disney character often seen in the company of Mickey Mouse, has been reclassified as a dwarf Disney character, and will now spend most of his time with Snow White.
The U.K.'s Most Infected Website
According to Avast! The most infected website in the UK is www.Cocktailmaking.co.uk, however, one even more dangerous has been found called www.Molotovcocktailmaking.com and is a hit with terrorists.
Find Your Nearest Criminal
The Metropolitan Police Service have invented an app in which you can identify unknown criminals who live by you. Apparently you are never more than 10 feet away from one.
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 18
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 19
Chris P. Bacon
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 20
Syria crisis debated at Istanbul talks!
"An opportunity for them to talk Turkey then?"
University Hospitals of Leicester NHS Trust to cut 400 jobs!
Hospital Managers said: It would not affect patient care!
Milton Keynes Maths Teacher Blames Arithmetic for Divorce
The Milton Keynes maths teacher has blamed arithmetic as the cause for his divorce. After 22 years of marriage, his wife put 2 and 2 together.
The Vatican Approves of New Wafer
The Vatican has approved of a new low-carbohydrate wafer. During communion, the wafer called "I can't believe it's not Jesus!" will be in widespread use in Roman Catholic churches worldwide.
White House Not Sure How Many Wars US is involved in.
The White House announced that it is not sure how many wars America is involved in, but guesses around 6 based off the number of American Idol seasons.
Mario Balotelli confuses Mancini with a sex-doll
Manchester City player, Mario Balotelli has confused his manager with a blow-up doll. "I love my manager," he said. "and I let it down." He was last seen buying a puncture repair kit.
Robert Mugabe Is Seriously Ill
Zimbabwe's president, Robert Mugabe is reported to be seriously ill. This is not really news, but it does confirm suspicions that he has been seriously ill since taking power from Britain in 1980 .
Anders Breivik Is Not Insane
The spoof writer, Inseine is quite mad at claims that Norwegian massmurderer, Anders Breivik is insane. "If anyone is Inseine, then it's me!" He said today from his padded cell.
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 9
Marlins suspend manager Ozzie Guillen for 5 games
Guillen was suspended for five games Tuesday because of his comments about Fidel Castro. "When I said he had cojones I meant baseballs," said the apologetic Venezuelan, Guillen
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 14
Claire Anne Nett
Obama out raises Romney in campaign fundraising
President Obama raised $53 million versus $12.6 million for Mitt Romney.
Sounds like one has a silver spoon and the other has a plastic one.
Bad Headline: Number 104
NEIGHBOURS FIGHT ISLAMIC TOMB
RAC emergency man nicks tyres!
A UK RAC emergency man offered desperate motorists a superb free service whilst they were not looking; he exchanged their Good-year tyres for his bald Michelin ones, what a deal!
Rare 1792 penny sells for $1.15 million
The unusual coin was auctioned off Thursday at the Renaissance Schaumburg Convention Center in suburban Chicago.
"So who wouldn't bend down to pick up a penny now!"
Scientist uses physics to dodge traffic ticket in court
In a paper titled "The Proof of Innocence," Dmitri Krioukov appealed his failure-to-stop ticket, explaining that he may have appeared to an officer that he didn't stop but he actually did!
Dog Snoopy is best man at Swansea church wedding!
They tied the knot after 14 years, did not want their much-loved pet to miss out on the ceremony.
Snoop kept the rings in a bag round his neck and barked to announce the service had finished.
Olbermann might be on the air soon
Keith Olbermann spent his last days at Current TV with rants about "smelly'' drivers who had the audacity to talk to him. "Our kinda guy, said a JetBlue spokesman, we're talking to Keith."
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 31
Paul E. Ester
In an effort to mitigate the cost of driving a car, the government are urging Brits to car pool. "It's no good," said one commuter. "I can't swim, and neither can my car."
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 32
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 35
Philip D. Glass
Man Utd get double dose of the "Blues"!
Man Utd got a severe double dose of the "Blues" after they looked like a lump of Swiss cheese (remember Basel?) and now the other "Blues" will be laughing all the way to the toothless "Wolves" den!
So Much for Austerity!
The government are proposing (at taxpayers expense) introducing their own version of Air Force One in such times of austerity. It will be called "I don't care force one".
Sarko 1 to Get New Rival
To keep up with the froggies with their "Sarko 1", the UK government wants to have their own executive Jet. It will be something new to put on their expenses claims.
No Charity for Cameron
Opinion Polls indicate that Cameron is no longer a Good Cause.
Chocolate Is to Follow Cigarettes
The latest idea from the EU is to sell boxes of chocolates without any fancy packaging because it encourages obesity in much the same way as fancy packaging and cigarettes. It is claimed.
Healthy GM Lamb Introduced
Genetically-modified lamb with a 'healthy' type of fat naturally found in fish and nuts have been cloned for the first time, by Chinese scientists. However, it still tastes like chicken!
Mad cow disease found in California
aka another Mitt Romney supporter.
Ronaldo misses penalty in shoot out v Bayern Munich
What a winker.
Obama's Secret Service agents sent home from Summit of Americas for misconduct
The alleged misconduct may have involved prostitutes in Cartagena, site of the Summit of the Americas. DNC's Hilary Rosen,who created a stir over Ann Romney, said, "At least they're working women"
Election 2012 Politics
President Obama and Republican presidential candidate Romney are courting the nation's women. Do Michelle Obama and Ann Romney know about this?
Kim Jong-un Takes Positon in Pfizer
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un announced today that his country is taking a major position in Pfizer Inc. He has directed his rocket scientists to fuel their next rocket with Viagara.
Nottingahm Chemist robbed of 500 box's of Viagra!
The suspect is suspected to be a hardened criminal!
Bad Headline: number 103
HEALTH INSURERS SHOULD COVER NEW BREASTS
Possibility of a New Pearl Harbour
Fears are growing in the US that Japan will start A New Pearl Harbour in retaliation for this morning's sinking of the tsunami "ghost ship" by live cannon fire from the US Coast Guard.
Hillary Cuts Loose on Columbian Dancefloor
Mrs. Clinton guzzled a large volume of aguardiente, the same Columbian elixir that befell 11 Secret Service agents. Her last whereabouts are unknown. Hotels are being searched citywide.
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 24
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 25
How many agents does it take guard the POTUS
None -if you're screwing hookers in Columbia
Sky Diver Young orders parachute for Manchester Derby!
Ashley Young is worried about having to dive so high against Man City to get a penalty that he has ordered a parachute to soften his landing!
Jennifer Aniston Has a Secret Half Brother
Damn! Bad luck Jennifer. One more guy who you can't marry and live happily ever after with...
Nicki Minaj in New York without her trousers.
Damn, I suppose I'll have to give em back...
Kate Middleton Is 'Too Beautiful' To Paint According To Royal Artist
He had to say that - or it was off to the tower for him!
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 15
This will be a one term government says Ed Miliband.
As compared to his own 'zero term government' while leader...
Sugar 'is the same as poison' claims leading doctor
Just off to make the missus a cuppa.
Circulation of The Sun Sunday drops to 2.4m
600,000 people woke up on a sunday morning and smelt the coffee...
Snippets weekly Omnibus moved from sundays to friday nights
Perfect for insomniacs!
Biden's take on the prostitute episode in Columbia
According to Vice President Biden, "This flap in Columbia with hookers and our secret agents is a big fuckin' deal."
A message from the Government:
Happy New (Tax) Year
As a small token, we are giving you a 5p gift in the pound.
Don't spend it all at once (on petrol or pasties)
And finally, don't forget to vote for us...
Liverpool in crisis after 6 defeats in 7 league games.
The Anfield Cat is on standby by to replace Kenny Dalglish as caretaker if needed.
Mourinho aims for a bullseye instead of talking bull.
Real Madrid boss Jose Mourinho has given his pre-match news conference another miss. It's the 45th he has avoided since taking over at the Bernabeu in 2010. His assistant, Aitor Karanka, deputised.
Football Association confirmed FA Cup final will kick off at 1715 BST on 5 May.
Ahhh, you can't beat the tradition of the FA Cup...
Ke$ha tweets pics of herself peeing in public.
Classy. Remind me to un-invite her to sunday lunch at my parents next week.
Bad Headline: Number 98
INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES
Screwed Up Priorities
Muslim fanatics attack & kill Christians in nations that don't have a "pot to piss in" & destroy any economic infrastructure. Yet, environmentalists are worried about climate change in these nations!
Bad headline: number 100
MAN FOUND DEAD IN CEMETERY
Study Shows We Use Only 10% Of Our Brains To Realize That Isn't True
The same study claims the average person will read that headline a total of three times before finally admitting to themselves that they don't get it.
Badminton Horse Trials Cancelled
The RSPCA have finally got their wish.
They have claimed for many years that making horses play badminton was cruel.
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