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New Dog Breed Discovered in China

More Cretin Channel Treats

20:30 - 21:00 Celebrity George Osborne Quest. Richard & Judy crash out after they fail to find a use for George Osborne.

written by Erskin Quint, 05 September 2011
Rating:

Brimstone Is The New Friday

A shocking new report warns debt-ridden discredited Western governments that the supply of Sitting Duck Middle Eastern "whipping-boy" dictatorships is fast running out.

written by Erskin Quint, 05 September 2011
Rating:

Mongolia Launches First Lifeboat

More From Tonight's Cretin Channel

21:00 - 22:00 Celebrity PM For A Day

Dale Winton goes on holiday to Cornwall. Esther Rantzen complains about the debt inherited from the previous government. Kerry Katona sorts Libya.

written by Erskin Quint, 05 September 2011
Rating:

More About Plankton

Highlights From Tonight's Cretin Channel

21:00 - 23:00 David Cameron's Top 100 Holidays. Stephen Fry counts down and various wankers make vacuous comments.

written by Erskin Quint, 05 September 2011
Rating:

Pam Ayres Explodes

Damon Shyster's latest art installation called Jedward Backward sees half of Jedward suspended in formaldehyde and reversed. Which half? That's the point.

written by Erskin Quint, 05 September 2011
Rating:

Panda on the menu

After serving Panda at the latest WWF Fund Raising dinner, it was explained that WWF stands for Why Waste Food?

written by IainB, 05 September 2011
Rating:

Builder fired

A bricklayer in Milton Keyens was fired yesterday thanks to his Tetris addiction. "You should have seen how he was fitting the bricks together," said his boss.

written by IainB, 05 September 2011
Rating:

Jeremy Clarkson to Become a Tom Tom Sat Nav

Jeremy Clarkson is to become the voice on Tom Tom satellite navigation systems. But for some reason, it will not work in the Austin Metro.

written by IN SEINE, 05 September 2011
Rating:

Green Day singer ejected from plane for flashing his butt!

Billie Joe Armstrong, Green Day frontman was ejected from a US plane because his jeans were hanging around his knees and his butt was flashing; Gay stewards on board were most upset!

written by Jaggedone, 05 September 2011
Rating:

Lampard 'A Key Man' says Capello

He locks up the dressing room after the match.

written by pinxit, 05 September 2011
Rating:

New York Hotel Burns Down

No casualties resulted from a massive fire that reduced the 52-story Four Seasons Hotel to ashes last night. At the time of the fire, the conference room was hosting a fart-lighting contest.

written by Darwin, 05 September 2011
Rating:

U.S. to join elite group of countries without postal service

Unable to cover costs and make pension payments, the U.S. will soon join the Sudan, Congo, and Liberia as a special group of countries unable to make a postal system work.

written by Lyndon, 05 September 2011
Rating:

Governor Perry Discovers Religion!!!

He ain't heavy! He ain't MY brother! Yelled protestors outside of a Rick Perry fundraiser. "This joker is saying pray for this and pray for that, but he's barely set foot in his own church."

written by Jean Le Fete, 05 September 2011
Rating:

Sarah Palin Does Know About Crack

Sarah Palin was asked what she thought about the crack that was found in the Washington Monument. She shook her head and replied, "I swear some people will hide their gosh darn drugs anywhere."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 September 2011
Rating:

President Obama Does Have His Priorities In Order

President Obama was asked about his low poll numbers. He said, "Well I really don't give a diddly squat about the polls, but I am worried about not being able to find my uncle's birth certificate."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 September 2011
Rating:

The Cosf of David Letterman's Safety Is Starting To Add Up

CBS is seriously thinking about firing David Letterman. A spokesperson for the network said that they just cannot afford to hire two extra security guards and put in a metal detector.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 September 2011
Rating:

Senator John McCain Knows What He Wants

Sen. John McCain just turned 75. He was asked who he preferred as the GOP presidential candidate if it was between Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann. He thought for a moment and replied, "Jan Brewer."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 September 2011
Rating:

MDA ousts spokesperson Jerry Lewis, replaced with pictures of Lewis

The MDA has replaced Jerry Lewis with pictures of Lewis, fondly regaling audiences of the 2011 telethon with Lewis stories and telling them what Jerry would say had they not ordered him to job off.

written by Nash D. Plott, 05 September 2011
Rating:

Unshorn, shorn genitals top list of things fathers least wish their daughters to see online

A study about online chat released by Harfold State College reports that fathers least wish their daughters to be sent photos of unshorn male genitals. A close second on the list: shorn male genitals.

written by Lyndon, 05 September 2011
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