Olympics coming up
Organisers of the London 2012 Olympics have said that in between athletics events, spectators will be entertained by competitive chess matches - also known as inter-race pawn features.
Neutrino At CERN Exceeds Speed Of Light
When confronted by scientists, the neutrino involved explained that it had forgotten its wife's birthday, and relativity had had to take second place to getting a present and booking a restaurant.
Liechtenstein Has Gotten With The Program
The tiny European country of Liechtenstein has just allotted its Department of the Navy enough money to purchase it first vessel ever. The six-man canoe should be delivered in about three weeks.
Herman Cain Has Got Some Pizza Background Fo Sho Nuff
Herman Cain has been offered his own reality show to be called The Chitlin Cake Boss.
Jon Huntsman Continues To Be The Most Confused GOP Candidate Since Dan Quayle
GOP candidate Jon Huntsman has denied the rumor that he is thinking of having sexual reassignment surgery. He did however admit that he is toying with the idea of having a sex change operation.
Florida Says That They'll Fill Arizona's "Special Order"
Florida has agreed to ship thousands of pink lawn flamingos to Arizona as per the request of Maricopa County Sheriff Joe "Pinky" Arpaio.
Cuts to Affect Soap
To make it more realistic, ITV are planning to rename its long-running soap 'Emmerdale' into 'Dale Farm' which will hopefully increase the ratings.
Cage Fighting to Be Introduced into the House of Commons
A petition is going round for public support to introduce cage fighting in the House of Commons - if this is successful, a padded version will follow for the House of Lords.
Obvious Sign of the Times
Scientists at the CERN have found a substance that is even faster than the speed of light. It's a obvious that it is the speed of darkness - yes, ladies and gentlemen we are entering the DARK AGES!
Elton John's life to be filmed, sorry Reg Dwight's!
Reg Dwight is to have his life filmed; it's just "like a candle in the wind" blowing this way and then that way. He ended up being a pop Gay icon, just like the rest of them, ask George (which one?).
REM split up!
REM are to split up because they've "Lost their religion"
Cloris Leachman and Madonna Have Literally Seen It All Hundreds of Times
Cloris Leachman and Madonna have signed on to appear in a brand new cooking reality show called Cooking With The Has-Beens.
The National Biscuit Company Is Extremely Upset
Nabisco is suing several black standup comedians who persist on using their product name cracker in a derogatory manner.
The Alabama Woman Needs To Go To Bed With A Banjo On Her Knee
A woman in Birmingham, Alabama who had given birth to seven sets of twins in a row is reportedly devastated after giving birth to just one baby.
The U.S. Post Office Will Soon Be Going Bye Bye
The U.S. Post Office announced that when it shuts down they will pour all of the mail in one big gigantic pile in front of each post office and people can go through it and pick out their mail.