Heather Mills Sues Waiter for Leg Slur
A waiter in Chatham was sued by Heather Mills for £100,000 of pain and humiliation. When Mills huffed down four desserts whe waiter quipped, "Got a hollow leg, luv?". Mills was manifestly unamused.
S&P Rates Willy Nelson at AAA credit rating; USA still at AA+
Standard & Poor's raised Willy Nelson's credit to AAA, making him suddenly more creditworthy than the United States of America. Said Willy, "Eat this, IRS.. and I'm still not going to shower"
Pope Condemns Nazis, Jews
Benedict XVII has issued a statement saying that most Nazis are almost certainly "in Hell". "Unfortunately", he adds, "that's where all the Jews are too, for not seeing how perfect and cool I am."
written by padddy5
, 02 September 2011
German dairy cow does a runner, she smelt the abbatoir!
A Bavarian dairy cow was about to be bolted through the head, but instead she bolted! After 3 months on the run she gave up because her milk curdled and turned into cottage cheese, very painful!
Deus Ex spoiler
For those yet to complete the game Deus Ex, the message from those that have is: don't bother; the final scene indicates it was all a dream. "The name should've given it away," said one unhappy gamer.
written by IainB
, 02 September 2011
The NBA and That Needless Home Court Chant
The NBA has banned the incessant shouts of "Dee-Fense! Dee-Fense! Dee-Fense!" saying it's not needed since when the home team doesn't have the ball it's a given that they'll be playing Defense.
Sarah Palin - The Woman Who Knows About Drugs
Sarah Palin was asked to comment on the drug situation. She thought for a moment and replied that one thing she would do is to do away with the multiple choice questions on the drug tests.
Lindsay Lohan Says She's Changing Her Spoiled Brat Ways
Lindsay Lohan says she has seen the light and she wants to take on a more nicer, kinder, law-abiding personality. And to prove she is serious she plans on legally changing her name to Oprah Lohan.
"Okay Class Pencils Down"
The Pencil It In Pencil Company has just recalled over 2 million pencils because they may contain...lead.
George Lopez Hates Being On Food Stamps
George Lopez who recently had his talk show cancelled says that he is tired of being unemployed and says that although he doesn't have a cardboard sign he will gladly work for food.
Visiting Martian Comments on US Presidential Politics
A Republican candidate that hears celestial voices, an Orion snowflake, an anarchist space shot and several cosmic hypocrites all running against a left wing Democratic ideologue empty space suit!
Protecting the Environment
EPA approves additional sewer line connections from various Obama administration executive office buildings to a Potomac River sewer plant. Everything the Obama administration does turns to sh*t!
EPA Bad for the US Environment
Environmental Engineer laments spending 10 years at universities studying environmental science while morons at the EPA come up with useless, unachievable, high cost requirements that kill US jobs!
Vital Federal Government Program
Pres. Obama has cut $500 billion from Social Security, Medicare and Defense in his 2013 budget. The funds will be re-allocated to a vital federal government program, Volleyballs for Pakistan!
Obama's Speech to Congress about Destroying Jobs
I have eliminated $10 billion of federal regulations. I have proposed 219 new regulations where 212 of these are each 1 billion dollars or less, but the 7 from the EPA are all above $100 billion each!
Warm and Fuzzy
A UN study concludes that Pakistan's various Muslim sects are peaceful, except when they place bombs in each other's Mosques killing innocent men, women and children!
In 2009 the USA contracted a bad case of BarackObama. A team of dedicated Republican physicians led by Dr. Ron Paul is attempting to find a cure by 2013!
Political Silly Season
Socialist Ralph Nader plans to challenge Pres. Obama in the 2012 Democratic primary elections (sixth try). Socialist Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) said "Ralph who?"
Obama Destroys another US Industry
President Obama's EPA proposed building site mud runoff regulations cannot be met and will destroy the housing/building industry, which is currently suffering in the recession!
Weapon of Mass Destruction
Former Republican VP Dick Cheney declares Pres. Obama a WMD. Obama is systematically destroying the US economy with regulations and overspending, wanting to finish off the middleclass with new taxes!
Currently 53% of Americans pay income taxes, but the other 47% pay nothing. President Obama's ultimate goal is to tax the middleclass out of existence such that 20% of Americans support the other 80%!
Pres. Obama wants to give tax credits to companies that hire workers. If there is no additional demand for a company's products or services, what will these additional workers do?
Three Stages of President Obama's One Term
2008: Economic bullshit and campaign promises. 2009-2012: Amateurish ideological economic bullshit and more promises. 2013: The end of amateurish academic economic bullshit!
Get Your Hands off My Pretzel
The food police and Obama's EPA are proposing to regulate the salt on pretzels. That five cent pretzel stick you love will cost you $5.00 to pay for those new EPA pretzel inspectors!
President Cuts Press Secretary Off at the Knees
WH Press Secretary Carney taken to GWU Hospital with an ulcer & 2 broken legs. After saying the Republican debate & Congressional joint session dates were coincidence, Pres. Obama moved it back a day!
Somebody Please Hand LeAnn Rimes A Burger and Fries
LeAnn Rimes, who is down to a tremendously skinny 63 pounds, says she does not like to be referred to as country music's stick figure singer.
Gary Busey's Amazingly Weird Ass Fetish
Gary Busey said he'd like to have a menage-a-trois with Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann. Busey's guitar is definitely missing several strings.
Before Cat Deely Was Cat
Cat Deely, the host of So You Think You Can Dance, admitted that Cat Deely was not her original name. Her original name was P*ssy Deely but she changed it for the extremely obvious reason.
Upper Shambutu - The Subway of African Countries
Upper Shambutu in the interest of healthier nutrition has just replaced it's National Dish of Fried Lion Paws with Grilled Rhino Nostrils.