Spoof news snippets from September 2011
There were 531 spoof news snippets published in September 2011. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Sarah Palin Announces Will Not Enter Presidential Race
Sarah Palin announed in Iowa today she will not be seeking the GOP nomination for president. Citing the need to spend time with family and the inability to win as the main reasons she will not run.
Breaking News Update on Missing Aruba Woman
At a news conference in Aruba today investigators said they had breaking news and a major update on the missing woman. They then announced the breaking news update was that they had run out of leads.
Syria vs Libya
Syria and Libya are different for many reasons. Their names are spelled differently, for one.
New Met police chief Bernard Hogan Howe bans anagrams...
...after discovery his name becomes When Bad Gonorrhea or Ran Bondage Whore 'H'...
World War II Shipwreck Reveals £155 Million Worth of Silver
A cargo ship which was sunk by a torpedo 300 miles off the Irish coast was found to contain 7,000,000 ounces of silver. It is due to be entered into the Guinness Book of Wreck Hoards.
Larry The Lobster Finally Dispatched
At 3am, within the walls of The Gordon Ramsey Prison in Austin Texas, Larry (Red Boy) Lobster, was put to death. His last words, as he was lowered into the pot, were: "I am not a criminal".
US Gun Shops to Perform Body Searches on all People Entering their Stores
US Guns shops will now perform full body searches on anyone entering their shops. They will not do full body searches on customers exiting their shops on the fear that they may be shot by them.
Iran Outlaws Playing with Slinkies
Just days after outlawing playing with water guns, Iranian officials have decided to outlaw slinkies as well. Iranian lawmakes obviously don't know it's the best of the toys.
French Jail Man for Praying in Street
Following the French ban on prayer in the street, a man has been jailed for shouting "Oh mon Dieu, Oh mon Dieu, Hallelujah, Oh mon Deiu!" The man claims to have spiritual Tourette's syndrome.
Meat Producing Farmers in Uproar over Pope's Decision to Declare Meat Penitence
Farmers unions have projected a slump in global meat sales by 15% following the Pope's decision to declare a meat penitence on Fridays
Police Press Charges Against SuperGreaseMan
'They'll never stick" he says.
The Baroness Thatcher goes out for first time in months
Thatchers Private Secretary stated; "We didn't know she had come back from her last outing. She was found in a ditch in Hoxton this time. Silly old sod, must remember to lock the kitchen door. Bless
Herman Cain Be One Mad Bro Fo Sho Nuff Uh Huh
Herman Cain says that he does not appreciate Sarah Palin trying to take the black basketball player vote away from him.
Hope for Those Missing the "Exercise" Gene
There is a new option for those who are deficient of the "exercise" gene. Doctors have developed a program to stimulate energetic activity beginning with picking up the remote control.
David Cameron Could Not Feature in Tom Tom Sat Nav
After Jeremy Clarkson successfully featured as the new voice for Tom Tom Sat Nav's, it can be revealed that David Cameron could not do the job because he was continuously making U-turns
The Beginning of a New School Year…
Just think… Hundreds of children are sent away to the Mime Boarding School… Never to be heard of again!
What Really Killed the Dinosaurs
Scientists now believe that dinosaurs had feathers. It is quite possible that they died out because they lost their plumage and were therefore no longer able to attract a mate in order to procreate.
Identity of Forest Boy Revealed
The boy who is alleged to have lived in a German forest for 5 years has finally ben revealed, after he said "life is a box of chocolates". German police belive "Ray" is none other than Forrest Gump.
Bad News Article
Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
Jeremy Clarkson to Become a Tom Tom Sat Nav
Jeremy Clarkson is to become the voice on Tom Tom satellite navigation systems. But for some reason, it will not work in the Austin Metro.
Sarah Palin Clears Up The Black Round Ball Player Matter
Sarah Palin says the new book about her is nothing but lies especially the part of the black basketball player. She noted that there are no blacks in Alaska and especially none that play basketball.
Missing Gene Gives Fat Chance of Losing Weight
The scientists have given large people the perfect excuse NOT to be energetic. They now claim that there is such thing as the "exercise" gene which is absent in such people.
We Are Well off for Handbags!
After catching a 21 foot crocodile, a Philippino village will be able to make up to 40 handbags and three pairs of shoes and export them.
Infinite Number of Virtual Monkeys Produce Entire Works of Shakespeare
It is claimed that an infinite number of virtual monkeys have finally managed to produce the complete works of Shakespeare. Previously, the monkeys were used to write the entire EU manifesto.
To make sure Great Britain is actually experiencing an Indian summer, several weather forecasters have been legally brought in from Mumbai.
Koala Bears Have Human Voice Boxes
You won't believe this, but scientists are trying to tell us all that Koala Bears have human voice boxes because they are so noisy when mating. However, they are not as noisy as Maria Sharipova.
Bad Headline Number 87
PYGMIES HUNTING ELEPHANTS WITH SPEARS
Mitt Romney Talks About The Missus
Mitt Romney's The Mormon Master Bus Tour stopped in Topeka, Kansas, and a little old blue-haired lady asked how many wives he has. He smiled and replied he has one and at times that's one too many.
Colonel Gaddafi's Excuses Likely To Change When Caught, Say Experts In Adolescent Behaviour
Experts in adolescent behaviour believe Gaddafi's current plea of "I didn't do nuffin' wrong. They're all just pickin' on me." will shortly change to "I was just kiddin'. Can't no one take a joke?"
Reports of Loch Ness Monster in River Thames
During this week, there have been sightings of what appears to be the Loch Ness monster in London's River Thames. They have turned out to be David Walliams
MPs to Launch Archery Team for the Olympics
Several MPs of various political parties challenged the English archery team on Speaker's Green in preparation for the 2012 Olympics. As predicted, EVERY single MP missed his target!
Obvious Sign of the Times
Scientists at the CERN have found a substance that is even faster than the speed of light. It's a obvious that it is the speed of darkness - yes, ladies and gentlemen we are entering the DARK AGES!
Cage Fighting to Be Introduced into the House of Commons
A petition is going round for public support to introduce cage fighting in the House of Commons - if this is successful, a padded version will follow for the House of Lords.
Cuts to Affect Soap
To make it more realistic, ITV are planning to rename its long-running soap 'Emmerdale' into 'Dale Farm' which will hopefully increase the ratings.
Channel 5 To Open Big Brother Style Assisted Suicide Clinics
In the battle for ratings Channel 5 have adopted a new approach. At the core of the programs format will be a terminal contestant based multiple choice/public phone vote system.
Pope Asks UK Catholics To Abstain From Meat For Friday Penance
'We are making no allegations,' said a spokesman for the Federation of Meat Producers, 'but we believe that large donations made to the Vatican by the fishing industry need to be fully investigated.'
Liechtenstein Has Gotten With The Program
The tiny European country of Liechtenstein has just allotted its Department of the Navy enough money to purchase it first vessel ever. The six-man canoe should be delivered in about three weeks.
Governor Rick Perry Says He Calls 'Em Like He See's 'Em
Sarah Palin is reportedly furious at Texas Governor Rick Perry for saying that old "Snowflake" Palin shoots like a girl.
Saadi Gadhafi Will Be Changing His Password
Saadi Gadhafi, son of former Libyan leader Colonel Moammar Gadhafi, is now in Niger. The young Gadhafi says he plans to change his name to Andrew Dice Clay and go into the Witness Protection Program.
The Cosf of David Letterman's Safety Is Starting To Add Up
CBS is seriously thinking about firing David Letterman. A spokesperson for the network said that they just cannot afford to hire two extra security guards and put in a metal detector.
Michele Bachmann Forgot Just Exactly Where The Hell She Was
Michele Bachmann's Hair Spray Across The Nation Bus Tour stopped in Milwaukee where she told a crowd she plans to close down the beer breweries. Police quickly dragged her ass back on the bus.
EBay Inundated with Satellite Relics
Saturday 24th September 2011: eBay report hundreds of sales of the UARS satellite which came down to earth today. NASA said that there are enough pieces to build three new satellites!
In Milton Keynes Today…
A man from Milton Keynes bought a 5mm screw from the UARS satellite today for £25 on eBay on "buy it now" from Hong Kong. He said: "I am delighted to be able to buy a piece of history!"
Patriot Day 9/11 Remembrance
God Bless the fallen/injured, grieving relatives of the WTC, Flt 93 and other aircraft, the Pentagon, NYC firefighters, NYC police, US military, etal; and Pres. Bush, NYC Mayor Giuliani and the USA.
British English is the only language with innuendo
Cunning Linguists have discovered that innuendo is peculiar to British English. "Other countries don't get it," said Mary Hinge. "They'd like to get it. Britain should give it to the world."
Sarah Palin Is Looking Forward To Seeing The Movie Based On Her Neighbor's Book
Sarah Palin was asked who she would like to see play her in the movie based on the tell-all book by her next-door neighbor Jebediah McGillicuddy. She thought about it and replied, "Shakira."
"Okay Class Pencils Down"
The Pencil It In Pencil Company has just recalled over 2 million pencils because they may contain...lead.
Calendars To Be Printed On UK Food Packaging To Address National Obesity Epidemic
'If one date on food packaging confuses people into not eating £12bn of food, annually,' reasoned UK Environment Secretary, Caroline Spelman, 'calendars on packaging will solve the obesity epidemic.'
iSpoof App left at local bar
An unnamed Spoof reported reportedly left the recently reviewed yet not released iSpoof App at a bar.
Bad Headline Number 88
Health Department Wants Mayor's Ear
Dale Farm residents offer compromise to Basildon Council in late peace talks
'Substantial discounts' on Lucky White Heather.
NATO jets readied as UN imposes 'No-fly zone' over Basildon
Basildon Council reacts to UN ruling by imposing 'No-Fly-Tipping Zone' over Dale Farm.
Lampard 'A Key Man' says Capello
He locks up the dressing room after the match.
Dick Cheney Says Do Not Blame Me For The WMD Lies
Dick Cheney is now saying that George Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, and Elisabeth Hasselbeck made up the cockamamie story about the so called weapons of mass destruction.
Rick Santorum Is Good At Ass-Kissing 101
Rick Santorum's The Foot In Mouth Express Bus Tour pulled into Boise, Idaho, where he told a crowd of four gathered at a French fry processing plant that he loves French fries and eats them daily.
Poor Michele Bachmann Is No Slave To Fashion That's For Sure
Newt Gingrich said Michele Bachmann really needs to do something about her 50s hairdo and her awful clothes. He remarked that female employees at Burger King dress way better than her.
The Iowa Cornfield Was The Scene of The Crime
Police in Sioux City, Iowa arrested two teens after they were caught in a cornfield with Magic Markers drawing earrings on ears of corn.
Jon Huntsman Is Still Trying To Get Some Gosh Darn Recognition
GOP candidate Jon Huntsman was thrilled beyond belief yesterday as eleven (11) people actually recognized him. Of course one was his wife, three were campaign aids, and seven were his children.
Apples and Pears
Neil Downs was arrested this morning on his market stall selling Gaymers, White Lightning, Woodpecker and Magners. "It was a clear case of In Cider Trading," said police.
Sarah Palin Shows Once Again Why She Is Known As "The Paris Hilton of Politics"
Sarah Palin was asked what she thought about solar panels. She quickly remarked that we already have way too many people serving on way too many panels.
The Stores Definitely Have Good Reason To Worry
The U.S. Treasury Department announced that they are considering doing away with one dollar bills. Instantly thousands of Dollar Stores throughout America were thrown into a panic.
Newt Gingrich Is Tired of The Basketball Mess
Newt Gingrich's Whiter Than White Bus Tour pulled into Pocatello, Idaho, where he told a crowd of 83 white folks that if he is elected president he will outsource the NBA to Pakistan.
Anderson Cooper Says He Misses The Good Old Hurricane Days
Anderson Cooper says he misses the days when he used to report while standing in a hurricane with his hair and make up all messed up and with damn minnows swimming around in his Fruit of The Looms.
Joan Rivers and Ron Paul Are Both As Old-As-The-Hills
Joan Rivers says that she is not positive but thinks that she may have dated Ron Paul back during World War II. He was a skinny sailor from Texas, and she was a Jewish streetwalker from Brooklyn.
Vice-President Joe Biden Wants To Visit China Again (And Real Soon!)
Vice-President Joe Biden says he really enjoyed his trip to China and said he came back with some really neat souvenirs; some Chinese checkers, a Chinese fire drill, and $67 million in cash [U.S.].
Sarah Palin Does Know About Crack
Sarah Palin was asked what she thought about the crack that was found in the Washington Monument. She shook her head and replied, "I swear some people will hide their gosh darn drugs anywhere."
Message in a bottle
A message in a bottle released by the real Robinson Crusoe in 1782 washed up on a beach in Dartmouth today. "I read the message," said the finder. "It said: 'no milk today thank you'."
17 year-old Robin Hood in Germany gives himself up!
An English boy lost in the German woods around Berlin lived the life of Robin Hood with his dead dad, Little John, and now he's given up because his green tights were too small!
Sarah Palin Speaks Her Moose Hunting Mind
Sarah Palin said that she did not watch the last GOP Presidential Debate or as she called it The Legend of Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs.
Mrs. Ron Paul Has Gotten Used To The Peace and Quiet
Rick Perry stated that when he gets through kicking the other seven candidates asses, they'll all go running back to their wives and families. Mrs. Ron Paul reportedly said, "Thanks Rick. Shit!"
Willie Nelson Can Still Do The "Do"
Willie Nelson 75, was allegedly caught in Houston with some illegal Viagra, a marijuana cigarette, and an 87-year-old millionaire 'cougar.'
Michele Bachmann Says Her "Homophobic" Husband Has Cost Her Lots of Votes
Michele Bachmann says she's losing votes because of her husband's anti-gay remarks. She told him to stop and start attacking other people like blacks, Jews, or the big butted Kardashian sisters.
Army Unveils Artificial Intelligence Armoured vehicle
The 'Think Tank'.
America's Blood Supply Infected
As parasites invade the US blood supply, America's blood banks freak out. The Vampire population, however, remain complacent.
China Cannot Just Let Non-Payments Slide
The government of China has informed President Obama that it wants it put in writing that if the U.S. misses two payments in a row they will have to give up The Green Bay Packers.
Unemployment Affects Everyone
President Obama stated that unemployment is affecting everyone, even his family. He said his mother-in-law is one of the millions of unemployed people who are presently receiving food stamps.
The NFL Football Player With A Very 'Unusual' Name
Philadelphia Eagles cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha is one NFL football player that drives spell check crazy.
Is She a Murderer?
In Virginia today, Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
Jose Canseco's Next Book Will Deal With The World of Politics
Former baseball player Jose Canseco who wrote an exposé on steroid use in baseball is planning on writing a book titled, The Day That I Almost Took Steroids With Michele Bachmann.
Michele Bachmann Got Confused With The "Net" Part
Michele Bachmann was asked what she thinks about the Netflix situation. She replied that she has all the confidence in the world that the fishing industry will fix the problem as soon as possible.
The Reason Why Arnold Schwarzenegger Turned Down A TV Series
Arnold Schwarzenegger turned down a role in the TV series remake of the old housekeeper show Hazel. The former governor said that he feels it is too soon and would be too traumatic.
The GOP Debate Audiences Forget That They're Not At A Soccer Match
Zydeco Dupree said the audiences at GOP political debates have gotten so damn rowdy that the debate security team has decided to start tasering one or two during each debate to keep everyone in line.
Take Me Out To The Ball Game
Cameron Diaz says that ever since her baseball boyfriend A-Rod broke up with her she cannot stand to see or even hear the names popcorn and Cracker Jacks.
Ron "The Old Geezer" Paul Is Not Fooling Anyone
President Obama has finally been allowed to see Ron Paul's birth certificate and just as he suspected, Paul is ineligible to run for president due to the age limit. Ron Paul is 98-years-old!
Olé accidentally create a new saying
The new Olé advertising slogan "Late to bed, early to rise, makes a woman look old, tired with bags under her eyes" has been accepted by the British Idiom board as a New Old Wives Tale.
Michele "Hair Spray" Bachmann Certainly Knows Her Hair Products
Michele Bachmann was asked why in the world she uses so much hair spray. She giggled and replied that it's just a girl thing and that it really does not hinder her ability to add 1 and 1 and get 3.
Herman Cain Has Told Us 700 Times That He Is The CEO of Godfather's Pizza
Herman Cain, says he's the only GOP presidential candidate who is not a politician. Because nothing will restore the confidence in the American people like a pizza man who can dribble.
Lindsay Lohan Says She's Changing Her Spoiled Brat Ways
Lindsay Lohan says she has seen the light and she wants to take on a more nicer, kinder, law-abiding personality. And to prove she is serious she plans on legally changing her name to Oprah Lohan.
The Hair Raising Meeting Between Mitt Romney and Donald Trump
Mitt Romney met with Donald Trump. They talked about the economy and then really got down to business talking about hairdos, shampoos, hair dryers, combs, and split ends.
Eddie Van Halen Has A Hell of A Time Making Up His Mind
The very confused rock band Van Halen plans to go on tour with lead singer David Lee Roth, or Sammy Hagar, or David Lee Roth, or Sammy Hagar.
Herman Cain Says He Be Goin' To Da White House Sho Nuff
After GOP black candidate Herman Cain won big in Florida he had some new campaign buttons printed. They read, "I told y'all dat I be kickin' me some honky butt, fa shizzle ma nizzle ah huh!"
Sarah Palin - The Woman Who Knows About Drugs
Sarah Palin was asked to comment on the drug situation. She thought for a moment and replied that one thing she would do is to do away with the multiple choice questions on the drug tests.
If Mitt Romney Praises Donald Rumsfeld, It May Be Over For The Old Mormon
Mitt Romney campaigning in Arizona suddenly heaped some praise on Dick "WMD" Cheney. What in the world was "Old Mittens" thinking? Romney's popularity immediately dropped by 14 points.
Gov. Chris Christie Never Met a Meal He Did Not Like
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who is quite a hefty fella, says he will enter the GOP race especially after he heard that after each debate the candidates are given an All-You-Can-Eat Dinner.
The Man Is A Grand Fan of Pancakes
Gov. Chris "Chubby" Christie says that if he is elected president he will have an IHOP built right next to the White House.
The Palin's Are So Devastated They Say They Won't Be Seeing The Movie
Sarah Palin says that the book exposé on her is starting to affect her whole family. She noted that nine-year-old Piper told her the other day that she cannot even stand to hear the word basketball.
Brutha Herman Cain Just Ain't Too Popular At All
GOP black candidate Herman Cain took his The I Just Be Chilaxin Bus Tour to Tucson, Arizona where he spoke at a city park in front of two people; and one of them was his bus driver.
Mitt Romney Could Have The Gay Vote All 'Locked Up'
Mitt Romney agreed that more females find Rick Perry's hairdo better looking than his, but he was quick to point out that more males find his hairdo to be better looking that Perry's.
Donald Trump's Secret Fetish Is To Work For The IRS
Donald Trump says he now wants to see President Obama's uncle's birth certificate, driver's license, and at least two valid credit cards.
Rick "What's That Funny Smell" Santorum Is Desperate For Votes
Rick Santorum in an effort to get the over 70 marijuana smokers vote has praised Willie Nelson by saying the old geezer can still sing and carry a tune.
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