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Rating:

If Elected, Candidate Perry Vows to repeal 2011 World Series Title

Furious with loss by Texas Rangers, Perry says 'somethin' stinks, and it ain't just my campaign'. Threatens to revoke green cards of the over 230 foreign-born MLB players.

written by NWNewsmash, 29 October 2011
Rating:

Al Qaeda To Outsource Shooting of American Soldiers

"We're proud to accept this contract with Al Qaeda, but frankly we're happy to shoot American military personnel for free," said a spokesman for the Oakland, CA police department.

written by manbrad, 29 October 2011
Rating:

Jimmy Saville Dies aged 84

How's about that then!

written by churchmouse, 29 October 2011
Rating:

Rick Perry Says He Is Real Good At Playing "Tit For Tat"

Rick Perry stated very clearly that if Michele Bachmann does not stop referring to him as "Katy Perry" that he will start referring to her as "That Loretta Lynn hairdoed bitch from Snow Country."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 October 2011
Rating:

Michele Bachmann Doesn't Know A Thing About Oklahoma Fishing

Michele Bachmann was asked if she knew what Hillbilly Handfishin' was. She blushed and said, "I guess it's something boys in Oklahoma do when they put their hands in their pants pockets."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 October 2011
Rating:

Netflix Has Found A Way To Get More Business

Netflix is so desperate to generate more rentals that they have decided to change the rating of all of their R-Rated movies to PG-13.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 October 2011
Rating:

Herman Cain Says That Neither He Nor His Staff Will Accept 'Gifts"

Herman Cain said he wants to assure everyone that his campaign Chief of Staff Mark "Smokey" Block will immediately be returning the 200 cartons of Marlboro's he was given by the tobacco industry.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 October 2011
Rating:

Jon Huntsman The Non-Smoker Speaks Out About Smoking

Jon Huntsman pointed out that he has never smoked. He said that while in college he did pop Fred Flintstone Multi-Vitamins like the suckers were M&Ms but that was the extent of his addiction.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 October 2011
Rating:

Netflix Is Desperately Trying To Change Their Negative Negativity

Netflix in a move to get away from all of the negative publicity is thinking of changing their corporate name to Patdownflix.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 October 2011
Rating:

China's Finance Minister, Xie Xuren, Agrees To Provide Cash For Greece

'He was remarkably willing to pay for Greece,' confirmed Klaus Regling, head of the eurozone's bailout fund. Through interpreters, Mr Xuren later revealed that he'd always fancied Olivia Newton-John.

written by Swan Morrison, 29 October 2011
Rating:

St Paul's Anti-Capitalist Protestors Justify Demands

'We only came to visit the cathedral,' explained one protestor, 'but they demanded £14.50 each to get in. That makes bankers look like Mother Theresa. We're staying until they charge visitors fairly.'

written by Swan Morrison, 29 October 2011
Rating:

Son Of Muammar Gaddafi Pleads Innocence Of Crimes Under His Father's Regime

'I was shocked to learn that my father was none other than the hated Libyan dictator,' said an astonished Saif al-Islam. 'He had kept it a secret from his family for all these years.'

written by Swan Morrison, 29 October 2011
Rating:

Chase what matters?

Feeling backlash over proposed $5 monthly fee for using its debit card, Bank of America considers a one-time $60 a year fee.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 29 October 2011
Rating:

Global Warming Explanation Goes Flat

Opening a soda can, GOP presidential hopeful Rick Perry suggests to New Hampshire voters that excess atmospheric CO2 might be best explained by rising consumption of carbonated beverages.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 29 October 2011
Rating:

Perry's campaign manager Johnson to hold smoking gun in TV ad

Not to be one-upped by Herman Cain, a Rick Perry TV spot will feature campaign manager Rob Johnson shooting, then holding a smoking gun. The tag line is expected to be: "Guns don't kill, bullets do."

written by Lyndon, 29 October 2011
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