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Let's NOT talk turkey

Study finds that a blood-brain barrier guards against extra tryptophan, and that turkey isn't very high in tryptophan anyway. So, it's not Thanksgiving dinner that makes you sleepy - it's the company.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 November 2011
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NASA Launches Highly Sophisticated Rover on Journey to Mars

$2.5 billion Curiousity will be able to play with rocks and dirt, if all goes well.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 November 2011
Rating:

American Spacecraft Carrying 'Curiosity' Rover Leaves Earth Orbit On Way To Mars

'A message from the American spacecraft to the Russian Phobos-Grunt craft repeatedly chanting, "We're on our way to Ma-ars!" was both childish and unnecessary,' said a Russian Space Agency spokesman.

written by Swan Morrison, 26 November 2011
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Michelle Obama: "Better safe than sorry!"

The First Lady likely begins a new White House tradition the day after Thanksgiving as she enrolls daughters Malia and Sasha in marksmanship classes so they can go Christmas shopping.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 November 2011
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Basketball is for pansies

Collective Bargaining Agreement marks Christmas Day as the beginning of the official new NBA season. From now on, it will only be 66 games long to make way for Full Contact Christmas Shopping.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 November 2011
Rating:

President Who?

President Obama may have mild amnesia say doctors. The President has been advised to sign all documents in future with Autopen. It seems he signed a few recently as 'Barry Soetoro'.

written by Tommy Twinkle, 26 November 2011
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The NBA Arenas Are Now Being Leased

Realizing that the NBA season is lost, some NBA owners are starting to lease out their arenas for conventions for groups like The Girl Scouts of America, The ACLU, IHOP, and The Ku Klux Klan.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 26 November 2011
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Mitt Romney Cannot Seem To Get Away From His Hair

Mitt Romney says that he has had enough with people asking him questions about his hair. He said that from now on at press conferences he will only answer three hair questions and then that's it.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 26 November 2011
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Kate Gosselin Says She Wants To Be Just Like The Kardashians

Mama Kardashian, Kris Jenner, told Kate Gosselin that if she truly wants to be like the Kardashians that she is going to have to go get her butt injected with about four pounds of butt cheek filler.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 26 November 2011
Rating:

Ndamukong Suh's Learns That What Goes Around Comes Around

The Fox Sports Football Transformer has reportedly been fined and suspended for two games because he ran over Detroit Lions' Ndamukong Suh's feet.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 26 November 2011
Rating:

21 Rough sleepers found in Nottingham City centre

Framework, the charity that tries to help them said; This time last year there was 3 found, today we found 21, one of them dead on the pavement!

The funding for Framework has been cut by 45%!

written by Inchcock, 26 November 2011
Rating:

MP lets off teargas in parliament!

An opposition MP set off a teargas canister in the South Korean parliament in a failed bid to block a controversial free trade deal with the US.

FAO: Mr Miliband?

written by Inchcock, 26 November 2011
Rating:

Number of NEETs in the UK reaches 1.1 million!

NEETs' = Not in Education, Employment or Training - has hit a record high. The grim data was published just a week after youth unemployment topped 1 million.

"That's not neets to know is it?"

written by Inchcock, 26 November 2011
Rating:

Inglés es el idioma oficial de los Estados Unidos

Newt Gingrich: "English is the United States' official language." Los inmigrantes ilegales que necesitan el español para traducir las señales de tráfico en las zonas donde llegan no les importa.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 November 2011
Rating:

Questlove Is a "Lyin' Ass Bitch"

Roots' bandleader apologizes to Michele Bachmann for playing instrumental - but still recognizable - rendition of "Lyin' Ass Bitch" before her appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 November 2011
Rating:

Black Fry Day

Two California shoppers shoot each other with Tasers after a fight breaks out over the last sale-priced six-pack of pepper spray cartridges.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 26 November 2011
Rating:

Lady Gaga strips for Tony Bennett but he says he's seen better

Evidently, crooner Tony Bennett is now a sketch artist as well. At least that's what he told Lady Gaga so that she'd strip. But he says his 85 years played no part in his inability to get it up.

written by Lyndon, 26 November 2011
Rating:

Black, punctured, and collapsed lungs highlight successful Black Friday at Walmart stores

Black Friday was a hugh success at Walmart stores across the US. Customers were sprayed with pepper spray, punched and elbowed, and, at least in one case, shot because Walmart prices are so damn low.

written by Lyndon, 26 November 2011
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