Spoof news snippets from May 2011
There were 740 spoof news snippets published in May 2011. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Sacramento California Has New Tourism Campaign
In order to capitalize on both their extensive sports activities and indiginous gay community, Sacramento released their new ad campaign "Sacramento - Where Men Are Men, And So Are Half The Women!"
Al-Quida Takes Over FOX Television Network
In a very hostile takeover, Al-Quida has taken over the major network. Some classic programs to show will be "My Three Guns", "I Dream of Jihad" and the popular soap "Allah My Children"
Nebraska To Quit Playing Football
After getting their asses kicked by real teams in the Big 12, Nebraska fled to a wimpy conference only to get pounded again. "We want our mommies!" many Cornholers were crying from the locker rooms.
Fozzi Bear Sues Shakira For Stealing Lyrics
Fozzi Bear, mediocre comedian from the Muppet Show and pooper in the woods, is suing bodacious babe Shakira over her supposed use of his trademark line "Waka Waka" in her hit single of that name.
A.A. Milne and Ang Lee Collaborate on Martial Arts Film
Crouching Tigger, Hidden Pooh will be released this summer in movie theaters worldwide. Yun-Fat Chow plays Pooh, Jackie Chan is Tigger and Jet Li plays Rabbit in this classic martial arts adventure.
Woman Gives Birth On International Date Line
A woman on a flight from Seattle to Tokyo gave birth to twins. One was born just east of the date line, the second just west - Resulting in the second child's birth the day before the first child's.
Lady Accuses Pillsbury Doughboy of Rape
The giggly little guy is no longer laughing now that fingers are pointing accusatorily rather than tickling. In addition to rape the lady also claims his erection gave her a yeast infection.
World's Most Effective Diet Plan
Eat all you want of whatever you want, whenever you want it - and still lose weight! All you have to do is eat it while watching obese elderly women doing jumping jacks in the nude.
New Sequel To the Men Are From Mars Series
For pre-pubescents who are just learning about sex and body differences comes a brand new pop-up book, "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Women Have Vaginas And Men Have A Penis."
Fetus Impregnates Mom With His Own Twin
In the new record for pre-mature ejaculation, a zygote came and inadvertently impregnated his mother with a baby only days younger than himself. Authorities plan to try him as a minor once he's born.
Pixar Against Drunks Masturbating In Public
Pixar, creaters of Toy Story has announced they're tired of drunks masterbating in public. To address this concern they are promoting their new slogan "Don't play with Woody when you have a Buzz."
Is Kate Middleton Really Laura Branigan?
They look stunningly alike and Laura's death was not long before William and Kate started dating. Could the singer's death be a cover, allowing for a royal to marry a common musician?
GMO Corn Has Surprising Effect On Nebraskans
After many years of growing and eating Monsanto's genetically modified corn, many Nebraskan males are finding their penis turned into a corn cob and their testicles becoming popcorn balls.
Lady Gaga Has Wardrobe Malfunction
During a concert at a mall in Montana, Lady Gaga's outfit ripped open, leaving her naked in front of dozens of people. She noted "I din't get one wolf whistle and half the crowd went home sick."
Imogen Thomas Anagram
is believe it or not 'a smooth minge'
Millwall fan gets the hump.
I was having the football banter with a Millwall fan the other day.
He came out with the usual bollocks "no one likes us, we don't care".
I said "I like you".
That shut the cunt up!
Legal ban on twits.
A High Court judge has issued an injunction which bans twits from talking.
A hard act to follow!
Britain's Got Talent TV show on Saturday includes 'man of rubber' act who turns himself completely inside out while playing a harmonica!
Dwarf tossing at FA cup Final..
FA bigwigs will break with tradition at tomorrow's Cup Final.The National Anthem will be replaced by long throw specialist Rory Delap hurling Carlos Tevez from the touchline into a crowded goalmouth.
Blackburn manager celebrates!
Blackburn are desperate for points to avoid relegation,but now that their manager, Steve Kean,has been charged with drink driving they should have enough to qualify for Europe.
Al-Quida To Hold Bake Sale To Fund Terror
After losing their main sponsor, the terror organization has taken to selling home-made food to raise money. On street corners you can see them holding signs reading "Do Not Bum Us, Buy Our Hummus!"
Cannibalistic Vegetarians On The Loose
A group of vegetarians broke into the London Hospital coma wing last night and ate most of the patients. One was caught and confessed that while they were eating people, they only ate the vegetables.
Monopoly Money Counterfeiters Arrested
The crooks were caught printing fake monopoly money in an effort to put a hotel on Park Place. The court sentenced them to "go to jail, go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200."
Who's To Blame For The California Earthquakes?
It's not the people's fault. It's not the government's fault. It's the San Andreas Fault.
Man Kills His Own Siamese Twin
Police don't know whether to charge for murder, suicide (or attempted). The insurance company is not sure whether to pay as a death or dismemberment, or to whom as the killer was the beneficiary.
Welsh footballer named
The Sun can today reveal that the footballer involved in the superinjunction scandal is Ivor Bigun.
More as it comes in (no pun intended).
The reason for why a man could not buy a train ticket for his pony at Wrexham Station - The Pony Express does not stop at Wrexham Station!
Rooney's Secret Is Out
He used to be a female shot-putter!
Scientists disprove Deja Vu theory
Nobel Prize winning scientist Adrian Birdbrain has conclusively disproved the Deja Vu theory.
Dannii Accuses Kylie of Lying About Her
Dannii Minogue has turned on her sister Kylie. In the song "the Locomotion", Kylie claims her little baby sister can do it with ease. "I can't really. It's friggin difficult!", Dannii remarked.
Bottles Of Juergens Extra Dry Body Lotion Tainted
Disgruntled male employees filled over 2000 bottles with their own semen. They were so chapped by the time they were done, that they considered renaming the product Jerkin Extra Dry.
Victoria's Secret Is Out!
Becks wears one of her thongs every time he steps onto the pitch.
Attention all twits
Chelsea's name is on the cup again this year..
FA..which is what they have won!
Rooney going into politics
'Why not?' he asked. So true - if Arnie can get away with impersonating a politician for so long, surely a thick scouser has just as much chance.
QPR 2,500 to 1 to win premiership next season
QPR are 2500 to 1 to win the premiership next season.
To those of you who do not understand betting..
if you bet £10...you lose £10.
Alan Shearer waxwork dummy.
Madame Tussaud's waxwork dummy Alan Shearer came face to face with Match of the Day pundit and ex England footballer Alan Shearer today: "The likeness is incredible" claimed the waxwork dummy.
The law is an ass.
The lord chief justice is called Lord Judge.
You couldn't make it up!
Iran eye opener!
A holiday maker just back from Tehran has left a positive review on the Trip Advisor website.."Did loads of acid and had a blinding time"
Congress Agrees on Deficit Reduction Plan
Entire nation will appear on 'Wheel of Fortune.'
Silence is Coleden!
The US makers of X Factor are now saying Cheryl Cole CAN be one of their panel of judges. However, she will have to smile or frown her views about each act as this would be a non-speaking position.
Wet Spam desperate to recruit new manager
An old lady carrying shopping bags in Barking High St was asked by passing Wet Spam owner David Sullivan "can you manage love"?
She replied "do one you Toby, I don't want the job"
West Ham target Krays
West Ham have a short list of 2 for the vacant manager's job.
But,unfortunately, Reg and Ronnie Kray are both 'brown bread'.
IMF demands Greece pay tribute
"We want all your crack, booze, and especially all your good-looking women. We want them on the dock, dressed in maid uniforms and ready to ship out by noon.", according to the head.
Rooney 'signs' for Middlesbrough
Poor Wayne thought he was extending his Man. U. contract. His mam wasn't there to read it for him so he will now be playing for The 'Boro. He is desperately trying to get out of this deal.
Celebrations in Manchester
There is a joyous and triumphant celebration party by Manchester City fans tonight in the city centre.
The FA Cup victory parade originally planned for today has been postponed till next week.
Ryan Giggs Anonymous
Manchester United star not involved in game against Blackpool.
Carlo Ancelotti given tin tac by Chelski
That has raised a few eyebrows!
Arnold's comment when asked about his 'broken marriage'
"I'll be baaack!"
Spoof Site struggling
The Spoof is suffering from a diminished number of readers. It is believed that this is because more FEMALE writers are needed. REAL women. Not 'fake' ones. Come on ladies....get writing.
Hens in Ontario are not 'laying' causing egg shortage
Hens can be seen picketing outside Grocery stores across Ontario today carrying tiny signs reading:NO MORE EGGS TILL WE GET SEX. WE NEED THE COCKS. (Using the word ROOSTERS would be less effective.
President Obama Is to Change His Name!
In a bid for authenticity, Barack Obama claims that there is an apostrophe missing from his name linking him to being of Irish descent. He would like to be known from now on as "Barack Hussein O'Bama.
Surely this can ONLY come from he Pope himself.
Hamburger Helper Hand Gives Folks The Finger
Many people were upset at the gesture. According to the Hand, "My fingers are my hair and I just came in from the rain. Can I help it if my cowlick stood up?"
Miramax To Release The Movie The Crying Game 2
The long awaited sequel is destined to hit theaters this Summer. The movie stars William and Kate and was filmed live in the royal honeymoon suite.
Insurers Add Divorce Clause to Royal Auto Coverage
After the accident that killed Diana, the auto insurance company that covers the autos owned by Camilla and Kate have added a divorce clause that raises rates twenty fold if the royals divorce.
Barney And Friends To Perform At Jurassic Park
After several people were eaten on the island, Barney the Dinosaur has stepped forward to try to make peace with the rampaging dinos. "I'll tell them I love you and I'm sure they'll love me too."
Late Pope Beatified In Vatican City
"Thought he would have been on time for that!" Said an observer.
Administrators needed for The Spoof
Mark is looking for new Administrators to assist him on the Spoof. Requirements? Honesty, kindness, confidence in oneself as a writer, empathy (look it up in the dictionary).
Also - selflesness.
Spoof Writers' Tongue Twister
Try saying this six times quickly:
If a Spoof Writer could Spoof Spoofs how many Spoofs could Spoof Writer Spoof if a Spoof Writer could Spoof Spoofs (without reading it that is).
Why do? #5
Why DO Canadians spell TYRE TIRE when they are supposed to use TRUE ENGLISH spellings? I just don't get it.
Atheist just cannot sin.
It is true. Atheists just cannot sin. Only religious folk believe in SIN. That doesn't mean atheists are all evil. They just have morals and comment sense.
The end of the world...
Every day IS the end of the world for some poor buggers when you think about it.
Heterosexual man takes out Super-Trouper Injunction after secret Abba Collection is discovered
A straight man has taken out a Super-Trouper Injunction after his secret stash of Abba CDs were uncovered by his wife. The man who cannot be named for Swedish reasons...
Many Thousands of Lawyers to Be Made Redundant
Following the failure of the super injunction, many lawyers cannot find any work and will face years of hardship!
TV Nutritionist takes out Super-Noodle Injunction after secret stash of junk food snacks discovered
A well known TV Nutritionist has taken out a Super-Noodle Injunction after a secret hoard of junk food snacks were discovered under her bed, the Nutritionist who cannot be named for bagel reasons..
Pippa's bum shaped cake to be centrepiece at QPR celebration
Pippa's the party planner for the QPR celebration 'do'. One request - a caked shaped like her bum so all the players 'get a piece'. See related story.
Is Eurovision Song Contest Around the Corner?
I'm just wondering if the Eurovision Song Contest is around the corner because there are lots of 'spoofs' written about it lately. We don't hear about it in Canada. Aren't WE the lucky ones?
Why do? #2
Why do Canadians/Americans say 'tomato' and we Brits say 'tomato'?
What is 'Teeth, tits and taps'?
Lady Godiva's very least favourite line when starring as 'Mavis' in an amateur production of "Steppin' Out".
Prince Harry Terror Threat
'I'll get him' says Pippa.
This breaking news has been censored due to a super injunction.
Lady Godiva's Ghost Writer search is over
Lady Godiva has found the perfect Ghost Writer, Sugar East. Sugar will be writing some of LG's stories whilst LG spends more time concentrating on getting her 'Private Dick Agency' up and running.
BB's Imogen Thomas To Launch Pop Career
Possible contract on cards after successfully doing gigs several times in Manchester.
Berlusconi Trial Halted - TEMPORARILY
The trial of Silvio Berlusconi was halted today as half the Jury had fled from Rome because an earthquake had been predicted there since 1915. The trial will resume tomorrow if there's no earthquake!
Celebrity Gardener, Alan Titchmarsh, Claims Talking to Plants Is Useless
So-called gardening expert, Alan Titchmarsh asserts that talking to plants is rubbish. Obviously, he cannot speak PLANTONESE
Chelsea FC - Drogba
Well, Drogba can't be accused of getting his KNICKERS in a twist as a result of the signing of Torres, because a related story here at the Spoof has Drogba admitting he doesn't like wearing underwear.
Mrs Bin Laden Is Hopping Mad!
The wife of Osama Bin Laden is reported to be hopping mad because the Americans are claiming that she was killed in the raid, instead of being shot in the leg.
Who The Hell Is Pippa Middleton
A study conducted in the USA shows Americans have no clue who Pippa Middleton is, The few folks who thought they knew who she was when asked to describe her, described Pippi Longstocking instead.
Dead Or Alive To Advertise Rotisserie Machine
The 80's band will be using their most popular hit to sell these cooking devices. The commercials will play the song with mildly different lyrics of "You Spin Meat Right Round Baby Right Round."
Why do? #1
Why do Canadians/Americans say such things as, "My dog went to the bathroom on your lawn," when they really mean, "My dog shit on your grass?"
Why do? #3
Why do Canadians/Americans avoid saying the word TOILET? Why do they consider it to be a 'dirty' word. Why?
Why do? #3
Why do Canadians/Americans avoid saying the word TOILET? Why do they consider it to be a 'dirty' word. Why?
I'm feeling sick about the unrest in he world
Spoof writers unite. Surely we can do something POSITIVE to benefit suffering people around the world. Any suggestions?
Abbotabad Villagers Claim That Film Is a Fake!
The villagers in Abbotabad where Bin Laden was supposed to have been killed last week claim the film is a fake. One of them said: "This is Abbotabad as it gets!"
Spoofwriter Denies Revealing Super-Injunction Celebrities in Order to Gain 34,000 Thumbs up!
The spoof writer In Seine has today denied trying to reveal a number of celebrities who have taken out super-injunctions in order to gain 34,000 thumbs up. "You can but try!" he said.
A group of 500 Mechaphiliacs - people who love motor cars are to have a meeting - guess what they are going to call it? A RALLY!
New EU Health Warning
The European Union have issued an emergency health warning: 'CUCUMBERS CAN KILL'
The Real Reason Why Bin Laden Buried At Sea
Apparently, his last wish was for the Americans to dance on his grave.
Four Flee Fire in Bournemouth Barber Shop Blaze
4 men managed to evacuate a barber's shop in Bournemouth today when a fire broke out. A fire service spokesman said that it was a close shave, but everyone got out by a whisker!
The Last Time Osama Bin Laden Was Shot!
… Way back in 2001, the Al Qaeda commander received a shot of insulin for diabetes - from which he died at that time. From then on all the appearances have been made by lookalikes!
Giuliani Teams with Trump
Former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani and real estate mogul Donald Trump are developing a political puppet show together... "Trump and Rudy"
Reports just in say that several bottles of Avena syrup were found in Osama Bin Laden's hideout. A type of herbal Viagra, it was used to make him look like a hardened criminal - very frightening!
Apocalypse Already Happening: People Are Frightened!
Harold Camping, the American who claims the end of the world is nigh could may be right. Already people have lost contact with Australia and New Zealand - they are scared. It could be atmospherics.
So Farewell, Gil Scott-Heron
They are televising revolutions now, it seems.
Still a good song though. Thanks.
In Milton Keynes Today…
A fire crew was called on to rescue a snail that was 'stuck' up a brick wall. Fire Service Spokesman, Les Cargo said the snail was placed on top of the wall from where a Thrush scooped it for a meal.
After Twitter disclosed 'Sparticus' as the user who divulged the name of the footballer who had placed a super injunction on not being named, so several million users confessed to being Spartacus!
To Become an Annual Event
Having been pronounced dead in 2002, 2005, 2008 and today, it has been decided to make it an annual event!
It was good to see Robert Mugabe attending the beatification of Pope John Paul II, however, Tony Blair was not in the crowd. Perhaps he thought that he was not saintly enough!
Exorcists must remind their customers, that they have to pay their bill, or their house will be repossessed.
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