Generic Viagra Not Doing the Trick, Men Getting It Up Only Part Way
Makers of a generic form of viagra are pulling it off shelves over fears that it is only half as effective. Many men are reporting only partial erections that aren't much better than total impotence.
Robert Pattinson To Star In Pinafore And Sandals Epic
Confuse unwanted visitors, such as Jehova's Witnesses, debt collectors or voodoo doll salesmen, by answering the door dressed as Nelson and communicating by singing the hits of Engelbert Humperdink in Mandarin Chinese.
Russell Brand Swallows Himself
Barbed wire will keep Jehova's Winesses away from your fossil collection but may prove dangerous to any blindfolded sex slaves in your household. Pretending to be out is a cheaper, if less exciting alternative.
The Horror Of Porcelain
Whey-faced Geminis will have to decide between death by starvation and hacking their own leg off with a sharp stone. Complacent Taureans will run out of toilet paper and discover an owl behind a neglected bookcase.
Pamphleteer Drowns In Bath Of Squid Ink
Luton wastrel and fish-spotter Dirk Nanketer discharged an arquebus aboard an omnibus after he was startled by a cumulonimbus cloud shaped like a rhombus yesterday.
Police Have "Nothing To Go On" In Toilet Theft Mystery
Left-handed Librans will face an awkward decision about a nest of tables, whereas a decapitated toad is likely to appear in the underwear drawer of bisexual Capricorns with weeping sores.
Huntsman Trapped In Beanbag
"An eigenspace of A is the set of all eigenvectors with the same eigenvalue together with the zero vector. However, the zero vector is not an eigenvector", Jordan told reporters yesterday in Hull.
Up The Apples And Pears Down The Old Joanna
Unhappy? Don't know where your life is going? Constantly anxious, tired and irritable? Sort yourself out you useless faggot.
Toby Jug Futures Bullish
George Osborne is a vacuous fop and David Cameron is an intellectually-challenged rich ignoramus. However, tousled albino buffoon Boris Johnson is simply an arse.
Taj Mahal "Forgery" Claims Aberdeen Rent-Boy
Dunderford and Cucking WI raised £567 towards the cost of fumigating the Village Idiot with a successful witch probing. Six single women were stripped naked and probed with bodkins, before being ducked and burned alive.
Peregrine Worsthorne Pawns Codpiece
Tired of those boring old windows? Replace them with flaps of cured human skin. But remember to treat them with an appropriate insect repellant to obviate any summer fly nightmares.
Electric Eels Enjoy Beethoven
Obese Pisceans with a morbid fear of ratatouille should steer clear of damp obelisks. In Norfolk, shy Leos will have an opportunity to sample liquorice soup.
Ribbon-Making Industry Hampered by Red Tape
LONDON - [more as it come in]
Pope Benedict assassinated in error...
A madman with a sniper rifle has assassinated Pope Benedict XVI. He later apologised profusely to the world: "I was trying to hit that prick Bono who was stood next to him, but sadly my aim was off."
Blue blooded royal Aliens invited to royal wedding!
An ex-Airforce pilot and alien expert claims that blue-blooded aliens will certainly be at the royal wedding. George Filer, the pilot, lost his marbles once chasing aliens, he went G-force mad!
Spoof writer considers changing name...
Hello and hi! Can you help me with this? A temporary identity crisis leaves me wondering if my name is right. Maybe "vanillathemonkey?" Or even "flotillathebungee?" Please HELP ME WITH THIS!
Fan hits the Shit
Police charge football supporter for punching Joey Barton.
written by pinxit
, 31 March 2011
Obama Currently Bombing Four Muslim Nations
President pleads, "How many ragheads do I have to kill to make you understand that I am a faithful follower of the Lord Jesus Christ and a devout practitioner of all his teachings?"
Stocks prove to be a runaway success...
Second up for the Stocks in Newcastle will be ex-PM Tony Blair. All surviving family members of poor Ken Bigley, the man ritually beheaded by Al-Qaeda in Baghdad, will be supplied with petrol-bombs.
The Stocks will be a popular alternative to mere verbal abuse...
Those wishing to participate in the public humiliation of Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall should arm themselves with rotten fruit & veg, cold Saturday night puke and, if at all possible, fresh afterbirth.
Medieval punishment to make a welcome comeback...
The Stocks are to be reintroduced in the UK and will initially be set up in Newcastle where there is an aversion to "Home Counties Public School types". First up will be Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall.
Obama Speaks on Libyan Action
Washingon - In yesterday's speech, President Obama defended his actions in Libya, citing that the country has plenty of resources that should interest the Republicans and corporations.
PM Cameron is secret cross-dresser..
Caught on video surveillance at the House of Commons, under that perfect boring grey suit David Cameron secretly wears a lacy garter belt, black nylons and a silk thong! His mummy would be so proud...
Man Found Dead From Suffocation Due to Drunken Affair With Love Doll
A man was found dead in his home atop his deflated rubber sex doll which had sprung a leak and suffocated him. Apparently, the man had been drinking and was too weak to pull his mouth off the breasts.
Werewolf Gets Weak, Hospitalized During Recent Lunar Eclipse
The Werewolf, who thrives in the light of a full moon, was rushed to the hospital during a recent lunar eclipse. He began to get weak when the earth's shadow gradually passed across the lunar surface.