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Rating:

Dracula Spotted Outdoors During Recent Eclipse of Sun

During a recent total solar eclipse, Dracula was spotted outside in a rare daylight appearance. Dracula ventured from his coffin because he thought night had fallen, a common mistake made by vampires.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Clooney to Undergo Surgery in Bid to Reclaim Sexy Title

George Clooney plans to have plastic surgery to help him reclaim the illustrious title "Sexiest Man Alive". My wife insists he doesn't need surgery to make that happen because he never lost the title!

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
Rating:

X-Files Star Not Sure Which Accent to Use During Double Interview

Gillian Anderson, known for switching off and on her British accent depending on her location, will be simultaneously interviewed by reporters from both sides of the pond to see which one she'll use.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
Rating:

People With Opposite Phobias Help Each Other Get Through Their Difficulties

A woman with agoraphobia helped a claustrophobic man get out of a manhole he fell into by her house, then the man returned the favor by helping the agoraphobic woman back into the safety of her home.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Convict's Nearly Completed Sentence Lengthened After Stupid Move

A week before his scheduled release, a convict followed a group of inmates on a failed escape attempt. Unaware of how close he was to getting out legally, this con will now stay in another ten years.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Toddlers Exhibit Raw Emotions During Beauty Pageant

A toddler "cutie" pageant went from adorable to horrible in less than a minute when the runner-up threw a tantrum and vomited when she lost, and the winner crapped her diaper during crowning ceremony.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Clown Boy Band Cuts New Single

...and a wheelbarrow makes for a most unusual piece de conversation. Placed in a sitting room, it is sure to intrigue your guests, when they enter, seeking the sofa. If you can obtain a Chinese sail-assisted wheelbarrow, your murderer...

written by Erskin Quint, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Castles With Sham Ghosts

Look, just fuck off, eh? You don't know, anyway. You're not even interested. You useless fat ponce. Go away and carry on living your utterly worthless masturbatory life. I hope you will be very happy, you and your lover, yourself.

written by Erskin Quint, 30 March 2011
Rating:

In Loco Parentis

At Otto Wankenfurker's luminiferous Prague extravaganza. Real peasant chic vied with bare buttocks and calico. Guys in cheesegrater codpieces gyrated in faux copulation, castrating themselves even as they dry-humped the leather ballerinas.

written by Erskin Quint, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Man Eaten By Baby While Sunbathing In Crete

Giddlemouth-with-Bladdercombe WI held a successful Inquisition Evening to raise money for re-grouting the Parish Clerk. The Bishop was hung in the strappado until he confessed to masturbating to pictures of Lionel Blair.

written by Erskin Quint, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Algebra Is The New Chris Evans Claims Wanker

Here's how to scare that annoying vicar. The next time he calls, answer the door wearing only a Victorian bonnet. Stare into his eyes, scream "you are a peddler of myths to the feeble-minded", and pretend to load your arquebus.

written by Erskin Quint, 30 March 2011
Rating:

"Reg Varney And Cliff Richard Pleasured Me", Says David Jacobs

What exactly do you actually know about anything, eh? Have you examined your pathetic life lately? I thought not. Yes, you're right. Why bother? Why not just carry on living in a fucking dream world like the nonce you are?

written by Erskin Quint, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Chocolate Was Popular In Neolithic Sex Rituals

Who the fuck are you? Do you even know? Are you just another half-cocked shithead who doesn't know their arse from their elbow? Why don't you just fuck off to hell you worthless piece of shite?

written by Erskin Quint, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Cricket "Popular On Mars"

To make a wooden birthday cake is simplicity itself. You'll need a medium-sized oak or elm (I prefer elms, for their more pliable limbs). Skin and gut the tree. Take your decapitated postman, and break both its legs. Add the milk.

written by Erskin Quint, 30 March 2011
Rating:

David Cameron Wears An Alpaca Toupee

...whereas Alf Garnett actor Warren Mitchell has always denied keeping an imaginary coatimundi in an antique Gladstone bag. Former Blue Peter dominatrix Valerie Singleton, who once was the lesbian lover of Nana Mouskouri, keeps...

written by Erskin Quint, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Rats Can Sing, Says Albanian Study

Abelard Siskin, the Mayor of Canterford with Lully, was unapologetic yesterday. "I refuse to apologise for something that I am unable to deny having not been unable not to refuse to acknowledge the non-existence of", he said.

written by Erskin Quint, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Secondary School Model of Rome Built In Day

BIRMINGHAM - [more soon as it comes in]

written by Inhopeless, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Councils to be re-named...

Local Councils throughout the UK will in future only be allowed to serve low-fat, low calorie, healthy choice food in their canteens. From now on they will therefore be known as "Low-cal Councils".

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Female hyenas to sue God over design flaw...

The African League of Lady Hyenas, ALLY, is to sue God over what they deem to be "a gross oversight". "It's fine for the males" they say, "but for the females this misshapen ugliness is unacceptable".

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
Rating:

More EU interference from Brussels...

According to a Brussels diktat, 2012 will see the order of nights and days reversed. Instead of nights following days, days will follow nights. Or as John McEnroe once put it "You can not be serious!"

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Unions Call For Arms!

UK rebel Unions have applied to the UN that they can legally take delivery of military hardware in their fight against David Cameron and his Tory henchmen.

written by iscrivener, 30 March 2011
Rating:

NY cobra goes AWOL and bites a bitch!

A cobra which escaped from a NY zoo is causing chaos because twitters following it are on a wild mon-goose-chase; it was last seen biting a bitch in Central Park because there were no rats around?

written by Jaggedone, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Dude Okay With It

LONDON - After much deliberation, resident Todd Roberts was totally fine with that thing. "It's cool bro, it's fine," he said to assorted members of the press about some 'shit that happened' earlier.

written by Inhopeless, 30 March 2011
Rating:

It's official - hedgehogs can fly!

Provided that you launch them firmly enough off the blade of a well-seasoned cricket bat. (The RSPCA have said they will investigate this new form of animal cruelty as soon as they can stop laughing).

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Bird found with mini-eggs...

A lonely bird has been found sitting on a nest of Cadbury's mini-eggs. When asked about it, the bird said "I couldn't find a mate, and in spring it just doesn't feel right sitting on an empty nest".

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
Rating:

It's official. There is no difference between men and women.

Both sexes are equally greedy, ignorant, lazy, tantrum prone, and incapable of sexual fidelity. Both watch rubbish on TV, and both prefer dossing around eating KFC or pizza to a bracing country walk.

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Mystery of shark cannibalism...

An apparently schizophrenic Great White has been observed "eating itself to death". The shark clearly mistook itself for legitimate prey when it caught sight of its own tail thrashing the water.

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Help is at hand for double amputees in the military...

If you lose both arms to an IED in Afghanistan, you'll never be able to w*nk again. But take heart. Since you are now a hero, you'll be able to get virtually any female to give you a "helping hand"!

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Susan Boyle Speaks Out About "The Man of Her Dreams"

Susan Boyle, aka SuBo, has stated that lately she is having trouble concentrating during her concerts due to the fact that she finds herself constantly fantasizing about her "Dreamboat" Donny Osmond.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 March 2011
Rating:

If The Price Is Right - It's Bye Bye Wisconsin!

Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin is extremely upset that President Obama is seriously thinking about putting Wisconsin up for sale on eBay.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 March 2011
Rating:

The Reason Lindsay Lohan Is Having Second Thoughts About Dropping Her Surname

Lindsay Lohan toyed with the idea of dropping her last name and just using Lindsay, but then someone said that they would confuse her with Lindsay Wagner, Lindsay Sloane, and Lindsay Phillips.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Spoofer's Masterpiece Snippet's Life Squeezed Out Due to Limit

A spoofer's creative masterpiece snippet died from constriction due to the 200-character limit, forcing the spoofer to resort to using less appropriate choice of words, thereby lessening its impact.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Variety is the Spice of Life, For the Most Part

A highrise elevator malfunctioned, trapping three men a whole day, each of a different religion. Muslims, Jews, and Christians of the world should follow their lead and get along, even under stress.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Why Does Radiation always fall on us

Is it because Scotland is just meteorologically special.

written by Katarina Frogpond2, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Man very sad not to get a bargain...

A man decided that he'd "give his right arm" to own a Porsche, so he cut it off and took it to the nearest dealership. He was a tad disappointed when they wouldn't swap it for a car, but took it well.

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Newt Gingrich Fears 'Athiest America'

Because if he wins the next presidential election it'll certainly prove that God does not exist.

written by Juvenal Delinquent, 30 March 2011
Rating:

National Anthem to be revamped...

God Save the Queen? Ouch. Not in 2011. The new cool anthem will be a gangsta rap. "That Queen's a has-been, know what I mean? And Charlie couldn't parler with a Frog, what a dog." To be continued...

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Peaches Geldof simply has the wrong name...

Poor old Peaches. None of it is her fault. She keeps making disastrous headlines for the simple reason that the luckless lamb was born a Geldof. I mean let's face it - her dad's a rubbish singer.

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Dick Turpin wasn't a highwayman at all...

Tony Robinson's Time Team has unearthed new evidence to prove that Dick Turpin was not a highwayman. He was in fact a flasher, hence "Dick", and lady passengers used to urge the coach driver to stop.

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Springwatch makeover...

BBC TV's Springwatch is to get a raunchy makeover. Ben Fogle will be seen observing mating foxes and trying to hide a hard-on, and Kate Humble will wear a very short skirt and flirt with the camera.

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
Rating:

What to do if attacked by a maniac...

If you ever find yourself randomly targeted by a big man wielding a knife, fall on your knees and sing "Ding Dong Merrily on High". Your attacker will be so confused by this he'll probably run away.

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Man swaps car for lottery ticket...

A man who was convinced that a total stranger had the winning lottery numbers foolishly swapped his car for the ticket. Sadly he couldn't locate the stranger after the ticket later proved to be a dud.

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Man changes his mind about fairies...

A man who always told anyone who would listen that he didn't believe in fairies had his mind changed radically when he awoke one night to find a fairy giving him the best blowjob of his life. Cool.

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Instant remedy for failure...

If at first you don't succeed throw a big tantrum and smash up all the furniture. And if that doesn't make you feel a lot better about yourself, get in your car and run over a couple of pensioners.

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Mary had a little lamb...

Mary had a little lamb, she thought it was quite boring, she took it to the theatre but the lamb would not stop snoring. So she shot it and had lamb chops for dinner. Good girl. That's the spirit!

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Paris Hilton to play herself in new movie...

Paris Hilton is all set to play herself in a movie of her amazing rich and famous life "Empty Between the Ears". Paris has also indicated her willingness to play with herself in the movie as well.

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Gibson refutes public opinion...

Mel G has responded to rumours that people think he's a bit of a twat with characteristic disdain. "I can't possibly give any credence to the opinions of lesser mortals" he said, with a winning smile.

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Hollywood megastar in public opinion shock...

Hollywood legend and general hellraiser Mel Gibson was shocked today to learn that although he's undeniably charismatic and talented a lot of people think he's also an attention-seeking twat.

written by attilathehungry, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Toyota Recalling More Cars, But This Time for New Reason

Toyota said it's once again recalling some popular 2011 models, citing a problem with a spring popping out of the seat unexpectedly, startling its occupant. No injuries; some saying it's kind of fun.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Man Assaults Wife For Humiliating Him in Front of Pharmacist

A man assaulted his wife for her comments at a pharmacy about how endowed he is. The man claims she severely underestimated his size to the clerk when purchasing condoms, unsure of which size to buy.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Worst Chef Makes Powerful Impression on Judge

On Food Network's Worst Chef, a contestant's entry for final round competition was so bad the judge had to grab a lady's poodle from audience and lick its anus just to get the taste out of his mouth.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 30 March 2011
Rating:

Obama Administration Helps the Consumer!

Free checking accounts cost banks $300 each annually, once recouped by $30 billion in overdraft fees. New consumer regulations eliminated this revenue, banks now charging high ATM and other new fees.

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 30 March 2011
Rating:

EPA Announcement

Statements made by rabid environmentalists about radiation from the Japanese nuclear plants causing men to grow another penis and women to grow a third breast were gross exaggerations!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 30 March 2011
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