Paris Hilton Proves Once Again She Can Buy Anything She Wants
Paris Hilton reportedly paid big money to reclaim her virginity. After successful plastic surgery to restore her hymen, Hilton's ready to lose it all over again, only not with the same guy as before.
Irate Customer Lets Restaurant Know He's Not Satified
An irate customer rammed his SUV through the side of a fast food restaurant after his drivethru order was once again not prepared to his specifications. The man said he just got tired of telling them.
Disgruntled Employee Gets Even, Kids Get Lesson in Birds and Bees
An angry theater projector tech on his last day of work took a parting shot at his boss by replacing a G-rated kids film with an X-rated porn flick. Before it was shut off, 85 tots learned something.
Jockey remembers horse.....
Irish jump jockey Paddy O'Feckit, who famously missed the start of the Gold Cup, eventually remembered that he'd left his mount in the car park. The race started at 3.20. Paddy started at 4.15.
Normality rules, unless we can find a way to change it.....
Millions of perfectly normal people had a perfectly normal working day today and then went back to their perfectly normal homes and watched TV. For fuck's sake, will someone please lose the plot?!
Miracle breakthrough for the deaf.....
Scientists have designed artificial ears which can be surgically attached to the back of the neck and fully plumbed in. Although cosmetically undesirable, the new ears are already proving popular.
New remedy for piles.....
Make piles and piles of money. That'll stop the itching and you won't need to worry about anything as trivial as hemorrhoids. After all let's face it - money cures just about anything.
Sir Cedric finally comes out of the closet.....
Retired Army Chief Sir Cedric Flemsbury-Harpington MGB KCMG and bar (make mine a double gin and tonic) celebrated his 90th yesterday by leaving his wife of 50 years for his Indian valet, Uppsi Daizi.
Blair admits to missing No. 10......
Ex-New Labour PM, Tony Blair, would love to go back to his old job. "Ten years as PM was not enough for me" he said. It was more than enough for the rest of us, you slimy two-faced lying sonofabitch.
England face the Welsh "sheep shaggers" in Battle of Britain!
English fans determined to do everything they can to help England win are going to release inflatable sheep every time the Welsh attack, it's their fav hobby, sheep-shagging, the perfect deterrent
How to end a relationship painlessly.....
A. Stop showering B. Hide your credit card C. Pawn the cat D. Book a flight E. Pack F. Emigrate G. Stick two fingers up H. Do a line of coke J. Get shitfaced. And what happened to "I"? I's OK thanks.
Gay mice jabbed with serotonin turn "straight"!
Japanese scientists injected gay mice with serotonin and they all turned hetero. In San Francisco gay men were seen stampeding to the docs for a jab too, which only goes to prove, pussy is the best!
Use found for redundant jobsworths.....
A genuinely useful and cost-effective second career vacancy has been found for redundant government officials and civil servants. They will be used to plug holes in hydro-electric dams.
Vote for Henry viii now.....
Was King Henry viii a ruthless, power-crazed, sex-addicted misogynist, who figured he could get away with anything, or was he a good, kind, and caring monarch? Answers on a postcard.
Spirit of Ian Dury sorts out the Romans....
Quoth the now departed cockney wordsmith: "Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire? Easy peasy, bright and breezy, my old china. Twas Sex & Drugs & Rock 'n Roll".
X-Factor girl band furious over allegations.....
All-girl band "Flaunt Your Body" have condemned suggestions that they are pouty exhibitionists. "We're not just here to show off our tits and crotches" they said "we're here to make a lot of money".
Spoof Writer ME still 'aboard'.
Elusive Spoof Writer known only as ME is still showing in Top Writers Charts in certain categories. Still no profile on this TROLL. We must band together and track this 'shadow' down.
Spoof Caption Competition
Still not much help for Lady G. Incidentally, she is worried about being confused with Lady Gaga or Lady Ga Ga, who is also referred to as Lady G. Spoofer doesn't wish to be tarred with same brush.
Local Weather Report in your area
Look out of your window then step outside.
NASA Reverts to Doing Monkeybusiness Old School
Once shuttle program is over, NASA is reportedly returning to using chimpanzees in space, citing cost savings. Chimps are easily trained and need only bananas and Curious George books to stay busy.
Oh My Gosh
Kaddafi says the crusaders, colonialists, Zionists, western terrorists, al-Qaeda and Miss Piggy are all conducting aggression against Libya!
Americans follow Democratic liberal economics to reduce debt and meet creditor's half-way. People with credit card debt want to deduct jewelry, cars and luxury items not purchased from their bills!
Drill Michelle Drill
Oil discovered under the White House and the first lady wants to drill from the Lincoln Bedroom. President Obama vetoes idea, but will subsidize drilling in Brazil!
Helpful Government Study
USDA study finds that eating only organic fruits/vegetables causes men and women between the ages of 21 and 40 to lose their sex drive. USDA recommends eating lots of red meat to increase passion!
Representative Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) thinks President Obama should be impeached over not consulting Congress about entering the Libyan war. Vegans agree, provided the peach is organic!