Clueless Cheerleaders Learn the Hard Way About Gravity
Seven cheerleaders were injured, three severely, when attempting a move more difficult than a 4-decker pyramid..a 5-decker square with no center support. When asked, none knew the meaning of gravity.
Young Mother to Blame for Massive Pileup on Interstate
A young mom caused a 20-car pileup on the freeway when she tossed her baby's messy diaper out the window squarely on the windshield of the car beside her, dirty side down, triggering the accident.
Man Has Encounter With a Rubber Tree in Brazil
A man riding his motorbike in Brazil lost control and slammed into a rubber tree, ricocheting into a nearby ditch. He survived the accident, but there's no word yet on when or if he will bounce back.
Dirty Old Man Gets Caught Sampling at Local Laundrymat
A lady doing her wash caught an old man sniffing her panties at a laundrymat. He said he was enjoying her detergent scent, but his excuse stunk like her panties as they were in the unwashed clothes.
Brilliant news for UK arms industry...
Entire Libyan air force destroyed, $20 billion replacement desperately needed!
Boys From The Budget Stuff!
Osborne - 50,000 new apprenticeships in? - Comedy, satire and spoof vacancies...!
Blue Chip Stocks Have Been Converted to Actual Blue Chips!
A number of potato chip companies, their businesses failing due to the one-cent stocks, have converted the shares given to shareholders into actual blue chips! Ford, AT&T and Yahoo will follow suit.
Penny Stocks Changed to Just That!
As inflation worldwide increases, it was announced today, that, in an effort to combat rising prices and falling wages, all so-called "penny stocks" would now be one cent! This will include blue chips
Mr. T's Urine Found to be Utterly Potable...and Delicious!
Researchers celebrated their triumphant conversion of famed actor, Mr. T's, urine into a potable substance. A bottling company will be marketing the iced tea made from it as "Mr T. Pee Tea"!
50p per litre increase in fuel duty!!!
Chancellor warns of "unavoidable" 50p per litre increase in road fuel duty in spring budget. (No doubt this will actually be used to line MP's pockets with gold and pay their 2nd home mortgages. Ed.)
Train Ferret Angry
Mickey the ferret who travelled from London to Edinburgh felt misled by British Rail who never explained the ticket was one way. Scottish ferrets have advised Mickey to return to England immediately.
written by j.w.
, 23 March 2011
England stars back captain Terry
...against a wall, blindfold and shoot him.
written by pinxit
, 23 March 2011
Liz Taylor dies and Cleopatra is reincarnated!
Liz Taylor (RIP) has passed over and just as she left us Cleopatra rose from the dead under the Sphynx in Egypt, tourists swore they saw her rising above the pyramids, what a "fata morgana"!
Screen icon Liv Tyler dies at 79
[UPDATE]: Dyslexic 'Snippets' proof-reader sacked.
written by pinxit
, 23 March 2011
So Farewell, Elizabeth Taylor.
Hope you and Dickie will be happy together in Heaven.
Astronauts contact second new world.....
When "Intrepid" made its second landing on an inhabited planet, the crew were greeted by a big purple security guard with four eyes. "Sorry guys" it said "but we can't accept any more illegal aliens".
BP makes oil shortage breakthrough.....
British oil giant BP has discovered quite by chance that bee pee will also power the internal combustion engine. Their only problem now is how to produce enough bees to make this venture profitable.
Government will manufacture "healthy ciggies".....
In a bid to stamp out smoking once and for all, the Dept for Health is set to produce a trial batch of "healthy cigarettes" made from dried horse manure. They will be widely available on prescription.
Coca Cola to launch tobacco-friendly drink.....
In a bid to woo smokers, Coca Cola has just announced "Smoca Cola". This new soft drink will taste like cigarette smoke and contain nicotine. The board of tobacco giant BAT are "corporately furious".
McDonald's to launch inter-galactic franchises.....
McDonald's "McColonise the Universe" spaceship has made its first landing - on Woobleparp 3. Sadly they were turned away. "We're really sorry mate" said the Woobles "but KFC got here yesterday".
Cat successfully mated with dog!
The first litter appeared seriously confused, not knowing whether to chase cats, run from dogs, or mate with both. "I must admit I'm not sure this was a good idea" said breeder Tabby Shepherd.
TV Drama to get even more dramatic.....
Expect lots of pathetic over-acting: long menacing stares, shrill hysteria, bug-eyed terror, desperate pleading, heartbreaking sobbing, life-or-death urgency, and the whole crock of hyped-up shite.
Those ultra popular brothers from Bolton, Peter and Vernon Kay have launched a lovely range of Dinner Trays.
"Kay's Trays" go on sale from Monday in all good department stores, especially M&S.
Ant 'n' Decs Specs
Those Popular funsters Ant and Dec have launched a range of trendy reading glasses called "Ant 'n' Decs Specs".
They will be on sale from Monday in all good department stores.
Popular Millionaire Simon Cowell has expanded his Business Empire by introducing a range of Kitchen and Bathroom Towels in Parnership with M&S.
"Cowell's Towels" are on sale from Monday.