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Rating:

Middleton's Minge

Liz Jones and Rachel Johnson are to debate Kate Middleton's pubic topiary on Newsnight ahead of her big day. Landing strip, brazilian or full vayjazzle kit? Join the debate!

written by Holy-Mary, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Glacier Mint Stars In Suicide Pact

Terry Fox and Mike Polar Bear,the original stars of the Fox's Glacier Mint Empire have both been found dead in their New York Penthouse.
A friend said 'They were worried about their rent payments.'

written by Mr Goster, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Do...do...do...do

Rod Serling and George Carlin were seen together...Rod was telling George that he was still in "the zone."

written by wittman jack, 14 March 2011
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Mr Magoo Fails Eye Test

Famous Hollywood Cartoon Character Mr Magoo failed his eye test today for the 40th year running.
'They really are the worst set of Mince Pies I've ever seen,' said Eye specialist Cockney Dave.

written by Mr Goster, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Ageing popstar in catastrophic nervous breakdown

After 50 years in showbusiness, "Mr Nice Guy" of pop, Sir Cliff Richard, was today admitted to the Priory Clinic looking distraught after finally realising that he actually has very little talent.

written by attilathehungry, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Bad Headline Number: 83

Police help dog bite victim

written by IN SEINE, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Nuclear Power Boosted

The experience of Japan's nuclear disaster has encouraged a move towards the nuclear option. Iran's Dinner Jacket is planning a plant near an Opposition stronghold. Gaddafi wants one in Benghazi.

written by j.w., 14 March 2011
Rating:

Clegg All Alone

Nick Clegg admitted that he was the sole surviving member of the Lib Dems. It is true that he has got his own support but that is wavering as he sees his descent into a soulless world coming close.

written by j.w., 14 March 2011
Rating:

Snake bites tit and dies of silicone poisoning!

On a live Spanish telly show an Israeli nude model attempted to give a snake a lick; the snake bit her tit and died of a silicone overdose, she is now being accused of snake slaughter and bestiality!

written by Jaggedone, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Cheltenham Faces Race-Fix Suspicion

After Festival jockeys say, 'We'll be taking plenty of kickbacks.'

written by pinxit, 14 March 2011
Rating:

First a financial meltdown now a nuclear meltdown, are the Japanese to blame?

First we had the man-made financial meltdown, now we have a nuclear meltdown caused by nature, or? Were the Japanese to blame for both meltdowns, ask the USA, they know all the answers?

written by Jaggedone, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Cinderella filing for divorce

Cinderella is filing for divorce. She is quoted as saying, "All that prince does is sit around playing video games all day long. He's turned into a right Chav. and totally ignores me."

written by Lady Godiva, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Old woman puts all children up for adoption

The old woman who lives in a shoe is admitting she can't handle the kids anymore and has put them up for adoption. Madonna has apparently got her eye on six of them. Brad Pitt's thinking it over.

written by Lady Godiva, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Mary, Mary quite contrary comments on her garden

Tired of planting, weeding and watering, Mary, Mary Quite Contrary, has hired contracters to dig up her garden and install a kidney-shaped, in-ground pool ready for summer.

written by Lady Godiva, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Three Blind Mice get laser eye surgery

Laser eye surgery performed on the three blind mice, was a complete success. They're now looking for the farmer's wife. They were last seen carrying small machettes and heading for a farm.

written by Lady Godiva, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Jack' bought a mountain climbing helmet for going up hills

Sick of breaking his crown, Jack has finally taken the advice of many sportsmen, hockey players, mountain climbers, cyclists and so on. He's bought a helmet for hill-climbing but didn't get Jill one!

written by Lady Godiva, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Humpty Dumpty decides to get hard-boiled

This way, everytime he fall off a wall he'll be much easier to fix, with a bit off Polyfilla or masking tape.

written by Lady Godiva, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Apathy Calendar

Apathy Inc have finally published their 2011 calendar. Every page is blank. "We couldn't be bothered filling it in," Tom Uchtodo. "Besides, our members never use it. If they can be arse buying one."

written by IainB, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Worldwide web located after frantic search!

A tearful single mum in Milford Keynes has confessed that it must have been "lack of parental controls" that allowed her ten year old son Dyson to download the entire internet......

written by attilathehungry, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Daily Mail - no surprises there

We NEVER get main delivered on Saturdays.

written by Lady Godiva, 14 March 2011
Rating:

I Took My Daily Look into The Mirror this morning

No change! It was still ME looking back at myself.

written by Lady Godiva, 14 March 2011
Rating:

PM Courting Trouble!

David Cameron is to appear at the European Court of Human Rights following complaints by Student Union officials that he used his "forces" against his own people during recent "fees" demonstrations.

written by iscrivener, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Queen Mugger is Mad Old Cow!

Enraged 'Daisy', an elderly Friesian cow, attacked guitarist Brian May and ate his wallet when he walked into her field.

written by pinxit, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Tennyson Poem For London 2012

A Tennyson poem is to be used to inspire the UK at London 2012.

The quote will be placed on the door of the team's hotel.

It will read :

"This gig cost £900 million. Don't feckin' blow it".

written by grimbo, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Japanese Tsunami Brings In A Flood of Spoof News Stories

Quite a load of garbage to clean up.

written by Hawking's Chair, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Trick birthday cake candle technology to power 2015 Toyota Prius

Cutting out gasoline all together Toyota boasts a 500 mile per CANDLE average with the self renewing fuel source. Unfortunately this also makes coming to a stop impossible.

written by Randy Sandhofer, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Presidential hopeful to run on new platform

The platform he previously had been jogging on was so 2008.

written by Randy Sandhofer, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Department of Justice Lawsuit

The first lady Michelle Obama is on an anti-obesity campaign in the USA. Meanwhile, a group of obese ladies is asking the DOJ to bring a civil rights suit against the Obama administration!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 March 2011
Rating:

The Price of Freedom

Freedom loving Americans say they are willing to pay $10 for a gallon of gasoline if the Saudi Arabian monarchy is overthrown by in-country pro-democracy protesters!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Lip Service Only Press Conference

President Obama pussy-foots around saying we need to drill for domestic oil in deep water by saying all sources of domestic production must be increased. Can't offend his rabid environmentalist base!



written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 March 2011
Rating:

The Obama Administration Talent Pool

President Kennedy had the "best and the brightest" for advisors. President Obama has the worst and the dumbest as exemplified by U.S. Director of National Intelligence James Clapper's latest gaff!


written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 March 2011
Rating:

UN Wants More Money

UN issues study number 271,462 predicting that melting icecaps will cause a large change in sea level inundating coastal cities, pretty soon. Rabid US environmentalists sell popsicles to raise funds!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 March 2011
Rating:

France Speaks

French President Sarkozy spoke of targeted military action if Gadhafi used chemical weapons against the Libyan rebels. Will the USA, EU & NATO wait 5 years before acting, as occurred in Bosnia?



written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Cowboy Poets

Democratic Senate Majority Leader Reid loves "cowboy poets" that's why federal money is needed for the arts. Yep, Harry is the rear end of the cowboy's horse with a foot in his mouth!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Can You Spot the Moron?

ENVIRONMENTALIST 1: Wind power is green, renewable and can be generated by wind farms off the US east coast. ENVIRONMENTALIST 2: No you might hurt the seagulls, fishes and destroy the view!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Overheard at a Car Dealership

We need a new car because of increasing gasoline prices. We want a car that gets 27 mpg, vice the current 26 mpg. ($300 per month new car payments verses $750 per year increased cost for gasoline!)

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Dog Gone

A 7 year old Maryland girl is in serious condition after being attacked by a pit bull. Yet, Maryland's Legislature is considering letting people bring their dogs to restaurants with outdoor tables!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 March 2011
Rating:

The I's Have It

The liberal left Obama administration received the most votes for being ideological, indecisive, incompetent, ineffectual, inept, ill-equipped & impotent in dealing with USA domestic & foreign issues!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 March 2011
Rating:

Selective Left Wing Outrage

Democratic left upset over Congressional hearings into the radicalization of young US Muslims. They ignore radical violent young US Muslims sponsoring anti-Israel rallies on US college campuses!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 March 2011
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