Spoof news snippets from March 2011
There were 686 spoof news snippets published in March 2011. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Brilliant news for UK arms industry...
Entire Libyan air force destroyed, $20 billion replacement desperately needed!
Local Weather Report in your area
Look out of your window then step outside.
When donning trousers, the long, tube-like structures are the legs. Try to ensure that where they meet is at the top.
Remove clothing before showering... it will be easier to dry yourself afterwards.
Prince William starts new fad - World running out of Rich Tea bickies as others copy him.
Prince William has started a new fad - Biscuit Wedding Cake. He has approached McVities to make him a Rich Tea bicky and chocolate cake so his wedding guests have a choice of cake and this is his fav.
I just can't stop laughing....
Been reading the online Daily Mirror (lived in Canada for 29 yrs.so,out of touch with British politics Never WAS in touch with them anyway,but a polititican named ED BALLS-that has just cracked me up.
Barnsley Voters see through the Lib Con
Barnsley voters snubbed the liberals in their thousands tonight. Looks like nobody believes the liberal conmen anymore.
Thought For The Day:
OMG - they go on about Bono... can someone shut Annie Lennox up? Please?
Old woman puts all children up for adoption
The old woman who lives in a shoe is admitting she can't handle the kids anymore and has put them up for adoption. Madonna has apparently got her eye on six of them. Brad Pitt's thinking it over.
Spoof Writer ME still 'aboard'.
Elusive Spoof Writer known only as ME is still showing in Top Writers Charts in certain categories. Still no profile on this TROLL. We must band together and track this 'shadow' down.
Charlie Sheen's CV
Charlie Sheen has started passing around his CV,
in case anyone out there is looking for a rock star from Mars.
Lady G. led astray by Erskin Quint
Yeah! He gave me a so called WINNING TITLE which hasn't even got me so much as a one thumb as a Snippet yet.
I know what I'll 'snippet' next!
Lady G. enters Priory Clinic
Lady G. has been admitted to The Priory.She says it's for research but the real cause for her 'breakdown' is that she has been carrying the present Caption Competition mostly 'alone' and is knackered.
Spoofers needed for Caption Competition
In light of Lady G's recent breakdown, resulting from being alone too much on the Caption Competition...Spoofers are asked to 'rally aound' ane write at least ONE entry each until her return.
What day is it today?
"I've often found myself unsure what day of the week it is" admitted Prime Minister David Cameron this morning when referring to Rebecca Black's popular YouTube song 'Friday'
-Yes,we'd noticed that!
Am I alone in thinking?
Spoof Caption Competition
Still not much help for Lady G. Incidentally, she is worried about being confused with Lady Gaga or Lady Ga Ga, who is also referred to as Lady G. Spoofer doesn't wish to be tarred with same brush.
When the weather's cold, try to keep warm.
Typo Means No-Fly Zone Declared Over Libya and UK
NEW YORK - After UN said a no-fly zone over Libya, the bill also has a typo declaring a NFZ over the UK. As it already passed, US and EU planes are shooting passenger jets out of UK airspace.
Captain Kirk Beamed Aboard Space Shuttle Discovery
Not really. That technology isn't possible yet, regardless of how 'real' Star Trek is to its most loyal fans.
Cinderella filing for divorce
Cinderella is filing for divorce. She is quoted as saying, "All that prince does is sit around playing video games all day long. He's turned into a right Chav. and totally ignores me."
We'll call it Mission Accomplished then shall we chaps?
6 SAS men caught in Libya with false passports and having several cover stories (depending on who caught them)told rebels they'd come to find out their aims.
"To get rid of Gaddafi" they replied!
Gadaffi Explains Why He Broke Ceasefire
TRIPOLI, LIB. - Col. Gadaffi explains, using Philosophy why he attacked Benghazi. "I always lie - all of the time."
Intending to breathe today? Don't allow the tubes from your nose or throat to your lungs to be blocked.
Merriam-Webster Updates Dictionary
Charlie Sheen has made it into the Merriam-Webster Dictionary Collegiate Edition. His picture can now be found next to the word "crazy."
The Oxford Dictionary has a new definition for winning, losing your mind to drugs and living with whores.
Cat to be knighted by Queen
Cat who visited London to visit the Queen and caught a little mouse under her chair, is to be knighted next Sunday and thereafter will be known as Sir Pussy Cat.
Troll sneaks onto Spoof website
Boldly calls himself ME[/strong. All over many sections of Top Writers charts. Can't be contacted. Beware! Could be dangerous.
Gadaffi Giving Ruling Tips to David Cameron
LONDON & TRIPOLI - Gadaffi talked to David Cameron, via vid-conference, giving tips on how to run his nation. "Don't give them freedom of speech. Trust me on this," said G. "My people love me for it!"
Oldest man in world (145) asked his secret.
He answered, "Formaldehyde".
Ribbon-Making Industry Hampered by Red Tape
LONDON - [more as it come in]
Mary, Mary quite contrary comments on her garden
Tired of planting, weeding and watering, Mary, Mary Quite Contrary, has hired contracters to dig up her garden and install a kidney-shaped, in-ground pool ready for summer.
Bad Headline Number: 83
Police help dog bite victim
Shoeshop staff: If you haven't got it in an eight, I couldn't give a monkey's that you have it in a seven or a nine.
Tell me again, and I'll shove 'em down your throat!
Body experts now analyzing 'waves' of the hand.
Be careful how you 'wave' to people.Body language experts are out watching our EVERY move.One expert's already noticed a special 'bond' between William and Kate, from a mere 'wave' to the public. Duh!
Pied Piper arrested
A little lame boy of Hamlin told authorities about Pied Piper luring town's children into a cave & blocking entrance. Pied Piper arrested, questioned.It's not yet known if he will disclose which cave.
New writer pops up at The Spoof
Glancing at the Top Writers'charts..a new writer has sneaked in under the radar. Name is Me-name is in black to make him 'stand' apart from the rest of us. Are we going to let this go on or what?
Old King Cole was a merry old soul
The truth is out - Old King Cole was indeed a 'merry old sould'. He stuffed his pipe with illegal substances.
Dude Okay With It
LONDON - After much deliberation, resident Todd Roberts was totally fine with that thing. "It's cool bro, it's fine," he said to assorted members of the press about some 'shit that happened' earlier.
Fan hits the Shit
Police charge football supporter for punching Joey Barton.
Justin Bieber Naked Pictures
Erskin Quint told me this headline would work to get me lots
of points. Let's see if it works in Snippets before I spend time on a story.....
Songwriters Jumping on Sheen Craze
LOS ANGELES - Musicians across the nation are descending on LA to write songs about washed-up Charlie Sheen. Includes Ben Folds. Tickets on sale for $25.99.
Japanese trying new tactic with reactors gone wild
"We're going to treat fire with fire. We tried salt water and fresh water. Screw it! We are switching to gasoline!", said the leader of the Fukushima 50.
Little Boy Blue 'fired'.
Little Boy blue has been fired for falling asleep under a haystack resulting in sheep and cows to running amock on the farm where he WAS employed.
So Farewell, Suze Rotolo
Dun-Freewheelin'. (Sorry I'm late - I only just saw your obituary).
So Farewell, Jane Russell
Gentlemen Prefer Blondes? Not this one. You'd have been all right by me (if I was around then, obviously).
Humpty Dumpty decides to get hard-boiled
This way, everytime he fall off a wall he'll be much easier to fix, with a bit off Polyfilla or masking tape.
Jack' bought a mountain climbing helmet for going up hills
Sick of breaking his crown, Jack has finally taken the advice of many sportsmen, hockey players, mountain climbers, cyclists and so on. He's bought a helmet for hill-climbing but didn't get Jill one!
Talking Goldfish Star in McDonald's Commercial
No guff! I just saw the commercial on Canadian t.v. advertizing McDonald's Filet of Fish. Talking goldfish don't seem concerned.....hungry looking cat in background.
Will contact goldfish ASAP.
Man Saddened at Not Having his Free Car Won
UNITED WEBSITES OF INTERNET - Rob Smarts has posted ads for Penis Enlargements and a free car for the 1 millionth user of various sites. "How come no-one's come and recieved them?" he asks.
Gaddafi Blames the Camera Phone Assasin too.
"Yes" he said. "All the trouble in my country was staged, just so the camera phone assasin could have something to video" Not Gaddafi's fault at all, then.
Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue to Wed
They'v found they have a lot in common. They're both very good at losing sheep by 'falling asleep on the job'. No children 'seen in their future',
Details of Rooney's new contract revealed
Rooney has agreed that details of the contract he signed can now be revealed. He negotiated well and is pleased to announce that he is delighted with the deal. He is to be paid in goldfish.
Secondary School Model of Rome Built In Day
BIRMINGHAM - [more soon as it comes in]
True story: What Lady G. said to her students
She boldly told her class, 'Not one of you is playing with a full deck', after counting the cards in 2 packs and discovered only 45 in one pack and 38 in the 2nd. TRUE STORY That's the type she is.
I Took My Daily Look into The Mirror this morning
No change! It was still ME looking back at myself.
Wrestler quits against his will...
"They twisted my arm."
Ronnie Corbett to get leg-lengthening surgery
Says he wants to be able to go to the cinema without having to take his 'booster seat' every time. (He hasn't realized that his LEG LENGTH has nothing to do with this situation). Sorry Ronnie!
So Farewell, Elizabeth Taylor.
Hope you and Dickie will be happy together in Heaven.
Daily Mail - no surprises there
We NEVER get main delivered on Saturdays.
Toure's wife says they took each other's pills by mistake
He's lost weight. She has 'a 24-hour stiffy'.
Hot Off The Press!
Why Does Radiation always fall on us
Is it because Scotland is just meteorologically special.
Tesco Dating Site offers deal to continuously replace worn-out wives
'A Bag for Life'
David Cameron Pulls out of Parliamentary Pancake Race
Earlier this week, the Prime Minister, David Cameron did not take part in the annual Parliamentary pancake race. Obviously he could NOT GIVE A TOSS!
Prince Harry Qualifies As Apache Helicopter Pilot
Prince Harry has qualified to become an Apache helicopter pilot. However the Army Air Corps currently have six of the aircraft and it is not known how long it will be before they are scrapped.
Peabrains in a pod?
Daily Mail said investigating possibility Prince Andrew and Charlie Sheen separated at birth.
Three Blind Mice get laser eye surgery
Laser eye surgery performed on the three blind mice, was a complete success. They're now looking for the farmer's wife. They were last seen carrying small machettes and heading for a farm.
Apathy Inc have finally published their 2011 calendar. Every page is blank. "We couldn't be bothered filling it in," Tom Uchtodo. "Besides, our members never use it. If they can be arse buying one."
UK motorists shun petrol and fill up with whisky!
Due to Gadaffi and his crisis the petrol prices in the UK have reached astronomical heights, David Cameron has told motorists "fill up with whisky, it's cheaper and will be until we stuff Gadaffi!"
The Old Firm
Glasgow Rangers and Glasgow Celtic - the two cheeks on the arse of Scottish football.
April's Anarchist meeting will be held in June, attendance is not mandatory, but we'd hope that somebody will attend this time. Please note this is a bring your own Molotov cocktail party.
Irish Succeed in Creating a No-Fly Zone!
Irish scientists have surrounded a 10 acre field with approximately 5,000 reels of 'Vapona'. They have successfully created a No-Fly Zone.
British Government Distances Itself From British Foreign Arms Sales
'We assumed British arms manufacturers sold weapons to foreign military enthusiasts and collectors,' said an astonished Ministry of Defence spokesman. 'We never dreamt they'd be used to kill people.'
May Day Holiday To Be Replaced By St. Jude's Day On October 28th
'St. Jude is the patron saint of fools, desperate situations and lost causes,' said a Home Office spokesperson. 'His celebration better reflects British opinions about their leaders and their nation.'
Newspaper sacks Poofreader
Man. U. players are demanding new 'balls'.
Any of you male writers on a 'donor' list? You don't have to donate 'both'..one will do. They don't mind a mismatched pair. They just can't find theirs!
Different snippet about Ronnie Corbett to get leg-lengthening surgery
One reason, he wants to take up 'darts' but presently is hitting below the board...Sorry! Bloody frustrating!
Real End of the World?
The real end of the world is ... LD!
Japanese men called on to pee into reactors
Japanese men have been asked to load up on beer and come to the reactors to pee in them, as salt water pumps are failing and hot salt water is eating way at the metal control rods.
Galliano Blames The Camera Phone Assasin
First Vince Cable. Now John Galliano. Who's next for the camera phone character assasinator.
TUC over Exaggerated Numbers on the Protest March in London
The TUC have claimed 1/2 million people protesting against job cuts were in London this weekend. Considering that there are only a million people who actually work, the numbers just don't add up!
Research from Durasell has identified battery buying trends across the UK. "In Liverpool we sell an awful lot of AAA batteries."
'Moral victory' for losing British 4x100m relay team
They ignored backhanders.
Screen icon Liv Tyler dies at 79
[UPDATE]: Dyslexic 'Snippets' proof-reader sacked.
England stars back captain Terry
...against a wall, blindfold and shoot him.
Fukushima reactors' air now 10 million times as radiactive as the sun
But, it is not a threat to human health, in the near term.. like a picosecond.
Teleprompters Out, Polygraphs In.
Congress announced a bill passed replacing Presidential teleprompters with polygraph machines. The Whitehouse subsequently announced it has cancelled all press conferences for the rest of Obamas term
Hunmpty Dumpty death ruled suicide
Humpty knew what he was doing when he leapt from the wall to his death, officials are now saying after a farewell letter was found by one of the kings men.
Head and Shoulders to release matching body wash.
The makers of "Head and Shoulders" are releasing "Knees and Toes" a daily body wash. Gentle enough for eyes, ears, mouth and nose "Head and Shoulders" and "Knees and toes" together will keep you clean
Charlie Sheen told by judge to 'keep in touch'
Muammar Gaddafi Receives 'Despot of Despots' Award
Muammar Gaddafi today received the coveted Despot of Despots Trophy at the Arab Leagues' Authoritarian Dictators Awards. 'It's a huge accolade,' said the Colonel, 'given the overwhelming competition.'
Duke of Edinburgh Tweet
@#$# %^&$# @(^%$**!@!!!!!
International Womens Day combines with Shrove Tuesday
Emmeline Pancake Day.
Heron attacks Koi in garden pond
Shock as Moore set to play Palin in TV movie
"I'm surprised to have landed the plum part of Michael" said Sir Patrick.
Blue blooded royal Aliens invited to royal wedding!
An ex-Airforce pilot and alien expert claims that blue-blooded aliens will certainly be at the royal wedding. George Filer, the pilot, lost his marbles once chasing aliens, he went G-force mad!
'Unprecedented National Debt Justifies Anything,' Announces Cameron
'Draconian and unpopular measures must be taken on any issue I fancy due to unprecedented national debt,' giggled David Cameron today. 'I can do whatever I want if I use the deficit to justify it.'
Enough Is Enough Is Enough
I shan't go on no more...as Charlie once said to Camilla. Or was it Barbra Sreisand? Same difference really...
All to do with horses...
Irish/Italian/American - now there's a lethal combination.
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