Order by:
Rating:

Dali's Melted Watch is to go under the hammer!

The actual melted watch Salvador Dali worked from for his ink on paper masterpiece 'Soft Watch at Moment of First Explosion' c.1954 is being auctioned next month in Paris. I wonder if it still works!

written by Tommy Twinkle, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Home and Earth

with Aunty Jean

Why are modern girls so scared of darning a gusset? The Reverend Moonbender was helping me hang out the washing one day and I thought, "if the Vicar isn't frightened to handle my gussets, then why should I be?"

written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Home And Hearth

with Aunty Jean

Modern girls seem so frightened of repairing a worn gusset. They'd sooner buy new. That's not how we got through rationing and the Suez Crisis! Don't be scared of those gussets, girls!

written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Mr And Mrs Pack Play The Beckham Game

Named their daughter 'Six'

written by Skoob1999, 16 July 2011
Rating:

The One Group In America That Is Still Holding Its Own (So To Speak)

The only group in the entire U.S. that is still doing good is the Mafia. They have not had to lay anyone off. They are actually hiring. And they have not had to ask the government for a loan.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Rhode Island's Economic Situation Is Looking Bleaker and Bleaker

The governor of Rhode Island has stated if the state's economy does not get better and get better real soon he may just board up the state and have everyone move to Connecticut or Massachusetts.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Iowa Does Not Fool Around When It Comes To Body Ink

The conservative state of Iowa has just enacted a law which states if they find out a woman over the age of 50 has a tattoo she will be fined $400 and told to have the tattoo removed within 72 hours.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Rating:

LeBron James Says That The New L.J. Will Kick The Old L.J.'s Ass

LeBron James has admitted that he is taking a course on how to stop acting like a rich jive ass punk and start acting like the rich mature bro he is supposed to be.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Chinese Trivets Flood Western Market

...gravy granules with Piscean Rent Boys. It is a time for Capricorns to be wary of a thumbless hitch-hiker. There is a high probability that Virgo Undertakers wil have an encounter with a Komodo Dragon.

written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Gorgeous Georgian Girls Are Desperate To Meet You

Have you tried the Uniform Dating sites? They are a real hoot! Last night me and a bunch of friends logged on and had an absolute riot trying to put a date on a Prussian Cavalry Uniform!

written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Come To Jutland This Autumn

"See, these gangsters were the cream of the crop. Others fell by the wayside, such as Wooden Legs Diamond and Ugly Mug Floyd. Not to mention Leather Face Nelson, but I guess I already did. So sue me, ya ugly old fuck."

written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Tea Cakes Are "The New Black", Claims Nun

Legs prone to trembling during sex in alley-ways or when being knighted? A dash of Spiffle! behind the knees will do the trick! "Before Spiffle! my Baked Alaska was always a disaster", says Mrs Gratuitous of Tadcaster.

written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
Rating:

China condemns Obama meeting Dalai Lama

Chinese President Hu has condemned US President Obama's meeting with Tibetan leader the Dalai Lama today. He said, "Hey Balack! You work for us now. We tell you who you can meet."

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Bishop Rescued From Treacle

Your Evening Viewing Highlights:

20:00 - Hilda Goes In - Hilda the Undercover Hippo investigates the Processed Pea Industry
22:00 - Shakespeare In Other Languages - Giles Limpid reads The Merchant of Venice in Yiddish

written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Hurray For Ned Kelly's Pipe Cleaner!

Wellington hedgehog-sexer Herbert Cludge is not worrying about the phone-hacking scandal. "Arter all, I ain't never 'ad no phone, nor I", he claimed. "Moi clivvets is ready nangled, so they be."

written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Stone Age Man "Played The Stock Market", Claims Murderer

Isinglass futures remained stable, but half-secured monkey gland margin buying declined. Viagra held firm. Knickers fell, though brassieres held up well under pressure, unlike mole derivatives and arbitrage in the custard sector

written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Albatross Found in Can of Baked Rabbit

Lions add elegance and gravitas to any bedroom and provide an unbeatable conversation piece at dinner. A congress of baboons in the lounge is the best way to ensure those unwanted guests don't return.

written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Postman "Traumatised" By Cat Repellant Device

Southport man Keith Sewer is suing the Worshipful Order of Scullions over what he calls "a scandalous examination process". Sewer failed the very demanding Scullion Certificate Exams at Southport Town Hall.

written by Erskin Quint, 16 July 2011
Rating:

The Ladies Professional Golf Association Is Merely Trying To Increase Viewership

The LPGA in an effort to attract more male viewers is asking that its lady golfers please start dressing a little more provocatively such as in teddies, baby dolls, or bikini swimsuits.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Rating:

The Country Music Industry Is Issuing A Plea

Country music is asking country songwriters and singers to try to get away from writing and singing songs about beer, whiskey, loose women, and unfaithful men and start writing songs about drugs.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Wales Has Made An Astounding Discovery

The government of Wales is reporting that since the practice of test tube babies was outlawed earlier this year the sale of Windex Glass Cleaner has fallen by 400 percent.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Rating:

The Tucson Ho's Sure Know How To Pull A Fella's Leg

The town of Tucson, Arizona wants it made perfectly clear that prostitution is still illegal within the city limits and for visitors not to be tricked by whores into thinking that it isn't.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Essex coast dredger uncovers WWII mine

Bomb disposal experts need to perform a controlled explosion on the two thousand pound device. Canvey Island chosen as it is the least lightly place to suffer damage

written by Les Being, 16 July 2011
Rating:

IT'S OFFICIAL

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner and Monica Lewinsky confirm that the U.S. Dollar is not worth a suck.

written by BobBush, 16 July 2011
Rating:

50% off holidays

Holiday firms desperate to sell holidays have cut 50% off the holiday, you now get 1 week for the price of 2

written by Dino666, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Warning

WARNING: Snow leopards spotted

written by Dino666, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Celebrities Whose Phones Were Not Hacked By News International To Take Court Action

'The implication that we were not newsworthy is an affront to our celebrity status tantamount to slander,' angrily stated a member of the action group Justice and Publicity for Non-Hacked Celebrities.

written by Swan Morrison, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Truculent Drinker Punches Tony Robinson

Claims Robinson was having 'a right old dig'.

written by pinxit, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Scientists Discover Cure for Insomniacs

… Get plenty of sleep!

written by IN SEINE, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Look Ma, Breakfast Has Been Delivered

The Montana Oil Spill which is causing oil to spill into the Yellowstone River is causing the fish to jump out of the water and slither aimlessly into campsites.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Los Angeles - "We Have a Problem"

Sarah "Snowflake" Palin was asked what she thinks about Carmageddon. She paused for a moment and said that she is so busy she really doesn't have any time to go to movies.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Texas Lights The Way

Texas has become the first state to enact Hydrofracking Rules. Arkansas, Wisconsin, and Arizona all say they'll look into it just as soon as they find out what the hell it is.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Rating:

The Name Ron Paul Just Does Not Sound Presidential Enough

GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul says that in an effort to get a name that is more readily recognizable by the American voters he'll be changing his name to Ron Schwarzenegger.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Rating:

So Cabo San Lucas Would No Longer Be In Baja California

The Southern California Chamber of Commerce is extremely upset that Mexico is thinking about changing the name of the state of Baja California to Southern California.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Apparently Not Everybody Loves Raymond

Ray Romano's TNT series Men of A Certain Age has been cancelled due to the fact that there were no men of no certain age watching it.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Michele Bachmann's Husband Heads To The Big Screen

Word out of Hollywood is that the next Jackass movie will star Michele Bachmann's husband Marcus Bachmann in a starring role.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Minnesota Is Starting To Cause Problems For Other States

Economists are worried that the shutting down of Minnesota's state government may now cause the shutting down of Delaware's state government causing a drastic blow to the Delaware Punch industry.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Dallas Cowboys Will Serve a $400 Hot Dog

Not to be beaten by the Boston Red Socks $80 hot dog, Jerry Jones will offer the $400 hot dog, complete with a 5 carat gold knife.

written by Ellie James, 16 July 2011
Rating:

X-Men: First Class not Politically Correct.

Director Matthew Vaughn forced to change name to X-People: First Class

written by Dark Virtue, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Mystery Blonde sighted in Niagara-on-the Lake

Yes, the Mystery Blonde managed to elude John Smith of Scarborough, England but was spotted today in a cafe at Niagara-on-the -Lake, by Canadian photographer, Ivor Lenson. More in News.

written by Lady Godiva, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Rupert Murdoch Apologizes To Victims of Phone Hacking

Forgets to apologize to victims of News Corp.'s lies, slanders, character assassinations, fabrications, innuendoes, shoddy journalism, falsehoods, personal attacks, etc.

written by manbrad, 16 July 2011
Rating:

Next AA meeting details

The next AA meeting - Arseholes Annonymous - is to take place at 7:30 pm at the well known home of Proctologist,
Dr. Fingerling. Address, 00-00-00 Rectum Lane, Bumshire.

written by Lady Godiva, 16 July 2011
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