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Horse Trapped In Bread Bin

Towcester Latest:

The Towcester Home For Imploding Archbishops has reopened after refurbishment. Visit the Drainage Exhibition at The Old Town Hall. Sponne School hosts its Puddings of Northamptonshire evening next Wednesday.

written by Erskin Quint, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Rochdale Man Plays Bugle Backwards

...axolotl, while Algernon Charles Swinburne kept an imaginary parrotfish in a hip bath. Mountaineer Sir Edmund Hillary had an imaginary invisible narwhal inside his left ear.

written by Erskin Quint, 14 July 2011
Rating:

How To Make Soup Out Of Antlers

To build your replica Great Pyramid, all you have to do is to go to Egypt, become Pharoah, draw up your Great Pyramid Plans, employ lots of overseers, and get hold of thousands of slaves to do the labouring.

written by Erskin Quint, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Rutland "Once Had Coast", Claims Headless Oysterman

Len Blatt's new book of poems, "A Norfolk Gargantua Unbled", consisting of thirty nine sestinas about an abandoned oasthouse, comes after "Phenomenal Space", which was described as "like gargling with cement" by the Yarm Bugle.

written by Erskin Quint, 14 July 2011
Rating:

"Lord Melbourne Could Suck His Own Toes", Claims Winchester Trout Farmer

Now is not a good time for Scorpios to buy silk pyjamas from a bald hermaphrodite. Leos will receive a parcel containing the large bowel of a strangled taxidermist. A Virgo is sure to be cleft in twain by a defrocked priest.

written by Erskin Quint, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Microwave Bricks Make Building A Breeze

For Aries, it is a good time to imprison a shaved baboon in a 17th century oak chest, while Gemini Rear Admirals must give palimpsests a wide berth. A coracle voyage is figured for Cancer.

written by Erskin Quint, 14 July 2011
Rating:

How To Milk Your Parrot

Devon watering can repairer Adelbert Lossiemouth claimed that he was the author of Wordsworth's Prelude yesterday. "I am the real creator of The Prelude", he said. "Wordsworth just did the words."

written by Erskin Quint, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Myster Blonde eludes photographer once more

John Smith once again failed to get a photograph of the Mystery Blonde after he'd followed her up to the revolving restaurant atop the Skylon Tower, Niagara Falls, Ontario. See related story.

written by Lady Godiva, 14 July 2011
Rating:

The Return of The Original Batman And Robin

The original Batman and Robin, Adam West and Burt Ward have agreed to appear in a new motion picture entitled, Batman and Robin: Pow! Wham! Bam! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Barbara Walters Has Certainly Made The Effort

Barbara Walters has stated that she saw a speech specialist about her lisp and that she is glad to announce that now she only lisps whenever she talks in front of people.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 July 2011
Rating:

The Korean War 55 Years Later

Alan Alda who starred in M*A*S*H has agreed to appear in a spin off to be called M*A*S*H*E*D P*O*T*A*T*O*E*S.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Amy Winehouse By The Skin of Her Teeth

IN THE THAT'S FOR DAMN SURE DEPARTMENT: Amy Winehouse will never be asked to film a toothpaste commercial.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Margaret Thatcher dies

Margaret Thatcher died on stage at a Conservative meeting today, when her speech didn't go down as well as she had hoped. She is hoping to write a better one next time.

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Jamie's namey shame

Ten million packets of "Jamie Oliver's Pork Faggots" have been recalled, after a mistake at the packing factory led to them being erroneously labelled as "Jamie Oliver Porks Faggots".

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Arkansas Grillers Will Just Have To Change Their Barbecuing Habits A Bit

The state of Arkansas has just passed a bill making it illegal to barbecue any type of meat product using a stun gun.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Rhode Island Has Finally Decided On A Decision

The state of Rhode Island in a move to avoid the ongoing confusion and misrepresentation has finally decided to drop the Island part from its name.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Michele "The Money $aver" Bachmann Has Got A Plan

Michele Bachmann says that if elected she plans to save money right away by combining North Dakota with South Dakota and North Carolina with South Carolina.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 July 2011
Rating:

The TSA Says They Will Be Increasing The Number of Pat Downs

FBI agents were very concerned about the stun gun they found on a plane bound for New Jersey until they learned about the grenade launcher found on a plane bound for Arizona.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 July 2011
Rating:

So Far Sarah Palin Is Ahead of Michele Bachmann

Sarah Palin has stated that she knows for sure that she'll capture all of the Eskimo vote. So as of now she is 717 votes ahead of Michele Bachmann.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Who Was That Dashing Looking Couple?

Well Prince William and Princess Kate have left America and most Americans didn't even realize they were here.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 July 2011
Rating:

John "Teardrops" Boehner Will Never Run Out of Tears

Well with all of the serious talks going on about the debt crisis, it now appears that Speaker of the House John Boehner FINALLY does have something legitimate to cry about.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Arnold Schwarzenegger - The Man Who Weathered a Category 5 Sh*t Storm

Arnold Schwarzenegger is happy that everyone has finally forgotten about his maid, his love child, and his arrogance. He is now hoping that Maria forgets about the divorce.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 July 2011
Rating:

David v Goliath. Coming soon to Sky Box Office

David (clumsy) Cameron takes on Becky (the bullet dodger) Brooks in a fight to the death. A News International production. Book now.

written by Les Being, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Andy Murray to train with Met Police

He said he needs to improve his backhanders

written by Les Being, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Amendments to 2011 dictionary

The definition for the word 'dictionary' is to be removed from this year's dictionary on account of it being a pointless definition.

written by IainB, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Illicit Vodka Still Advertising For Staff

Non-smoker preferred.

written by Skoob1999, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Lib-Dem Supporters to hold Mass Meeting this month

A spokesman for the Lib-Dems, stated that a meeting has been arranged in Nottingham for supporters to air their views. He expects both of them to attend, if transport from the asylum can be arranged!

written by Inchcock, 14 July 2011
Rating:

America pulls funding from NASA

Analysts say, Everyone knows were in a recession, it's not exactly rocket science

written by Les Being, 14 July 2011
Rating:

New name for body armour

Just as May West gave her name to life preservers, bullet proof vests are to be called Rebekah Brooks

written by Les Being, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Sky falls on News Corporation

Bystanders watch in amazement as Rebekah Brooks walks away unharmed

written by Les Being, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Animal rights protesters up in arms

Someone told them the FBI was probing Fox

written by Les Being, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Rooney's hair transplant fails.

Thirty grand, hair today gone tomorrow

written by Les Being, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Jennifer Aniston admits to nose job

As it was Dr Pinocchio who performed the surgery it would be silly to lie about it

written by Les Being, 14 July 2011
Rating:

FA new referee regulations

For the 2011-12 season, the FA will only be employing referees with OCD. "People have been crying out for consistency," said an FA spokesperson.

written by IainB, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Secret Society Name Change

After it was pointed out that the Secret Society's initials were SS like the German Secret Service, it has been determined that a new name is required. However, we're not telling what it is.

written by IainB, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Let me finish...

The Complete Sentence Society would like to inform members that the August Conference, with guest speaker Jilly Goolding, will be held at Manchester's G-Mex centre on the sevente

written by IainB, 14 July 2011
Rating:

How to spot liars

A new study coming out of Poole College has identified the worst opening line if you want people to believe you. "Do not start your story with 'Once upon a time'", said Paul Iffy.

written by IainB, 14 July 2011
Rating:

The world will end.

On Spoofuary 13th 2013, the anniversary of the creation of redheads.

written by Zachary Estle, 14 July 2011
Rating:

A Before E Except After C

The descendants of Harry Longabaugh known as The Sundance Kid have won their case in the courts. The movie Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid will be changed to The Sundance Kid and Butch Cassidy.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Drexel U. Has One of The Biggest Mascots In America

Drexel University of Philadelphia in an effort to save money has decided to get rid of their huge college athletic mascot the dragon. Mario the Magnificent Dragon will be replaced by a squirrel.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Mel Brooks' Grandmother Sure Was One Tough Old Gal

The 1974 western by Mel Brooks Blazing Saddles was originally going to be called Blazing Saddle Sores, but he changed it after his grandmother told him if he didn't she would beat the hell out of him.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 July 2011
Rating:

Bob Dylan And The World of Rap Music

1960s music icon Bob Dylan says that he is starting to get a little worried because he heard a rap song the other day and he was actually able to make out three of the over 19,000 words.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 July 2011
Rating:

And Another Arizona Movie Has Been Axed

The much anticipated sequel to the western movie 3:10 To Yuma titled 7:11 To Tucson has been scrapped. The producers decided that right now is not the time to be making any movies about Arizona.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 July 2011
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