Cliff Richard "Bigger On The Inside Like The Tardis"
"My dream is to meet Archduke Ferdinand", says Billericay eel strangler Gladys Stencil. "I'd take him for a fish supper and ask him just what he thought he was doing starting that war."
Last Punch & Judy Man Leaves Isle of Wight
Sagittarians should beware of Corsican steeplejacks asking to photograph their elbows, while Librans should think twice before sending that box of dead eels to Paul O'Grady (he doesn't open his own post anyway).
Hot Water Bottles "The Silent Killers"
Noel Edmonds was cordoned off yesterday, after his beard was declared a public health hazard by Government pathologists. "It's almost as toxic as his ego", said a white-suited boffin outside Edmonds' Grimsby terrace.
The Day It Rained Bruce Forsythes
Annoying mockney wanker Jamie Oliver is to be rendered down for charity. Rival cunt Gordon Ramsay will deep fry a mars bar in the resulting lard, and Heston Blumenthal, the other wierd gobshite will preserve it in aspic.
The 100 Years War: A Century Of Conflict
Super-versatile Spiffle! is a boon around the house. Is the Bishop of Winchester wedged in your chimney again? Spiffle! will ease him out. An apostle spoonful of Spiffle! in Liberace's bedtime egg-nog will ensure a peaceful night.
Blue Peter Banned In Ancient Babylon
Scraping the hair off a warthog this Michaelmas? A quick application of Spiffle! will make light work of it. Gutting an elephant seal for Easter? Let the aromatic balm of Spiffle! take the stink away.
Japanese Knotweed Blamed For Eohippus Decline
For years I suffered from rat burglars. They gnawed their way in through my skirting boards. Then I discovered Spiffle! Now I am proud to let the Vicar handle my skirting. "Spiffle! It's not piffle!"
Margaret Thatcher "Bathed In Stoat's Milk"
Never give a wombat milkshakes. Always blindfold them while you play the radio. They are best kept upstairs while you speak to Jehova's Witnesses.
Teacher Ate Pupil
Rottingdean milkman Ian Tetanus is sticking to the task of making a 50 feet high cellotape model of Vernon Kay. "It's surprisingly easy", claims Mr Tetanus. "The teeth are the biggest challenge."
Burnt Umber "The New Black"
Welshpool wheelbarrow repairer Nancy Blister discovered a deflated rubber Eric Pickles in her septic tank yesterday. "I blame the Jesuits", she said. "They poured milk on my neighbour's tapir last month."
Rebecca Brooks Calls in Sick
Rebecca Brooks cannot work today because she has a hacking cough, her partner said.
Sounds Like Arizona Is A Fun Place Not To Go To
Arizona's new tourist slogan: Come on over to our state, we've got the Grand Canyon, Wildfires, Dust Storms, Sheriff Arpaio, Bristol Palin, Governor Jan, Sarah "Snowflake" Palin and lots of STRESS.
Lady Gaga Could Be Madonna's Biological Daughter
Lady Gaga kind of like Madonna but with a lot more weird ass costumes from hell!
Sarah Palin Knows Her National Monuments
Sarah Palin was asked if she thought that the moon landing was a hoax. She answered that the moon landing was real but that Mount Rushmore is a hoax.
Sammy Hagar The Rock Star Is One Hell of A Shot
Sarah Palin is kind of like The Sammy Hagar of Hunting except with a little more sarcasm, arrogance, and facial hair.
Michele Bachmann Is Acting A Little Like Gary Busey
Michele Bachmann was asked to comment on erectile dysfunction. She replied that she doesn't know much about it other than it has something to do with unsafe building construction.
So Farewell, the Earl of Harewood.
Opera buff extraordinaire.
I lived down the road from your house for years - but I never went. Sorry.
Why did you insist on pronouncing it "Harwood?"
MI5 hacked Rupert Murdoch's IPhone
News of an affair between Rupert Murdoch and Rebekah Brooks has been uncovered by MI5 after hacking his voice mails. One of the messages sent by Brooks referred to Murdoch as "My wrinkled sex bomb".
Gaddaffi denies Elvis rumours
Libya's Colonel Gaddaffi has denied rumours he is actually Elvis Presley masquarading as a incompetent despot. However, he wouldn't deny rumours that he is an incompetent despot dressed as Elvis.