Spoof news snippets from Friday 7 January 2011
End of the world is nigh!
The Russians have just launched 100 nuclear missiles and they are heading for the uk! Experts say we have five min..........................
...and the number of the Beast?? 6-6-6
Six protons plus six neutrons plus six electrons...(carbon)
I Wonder What Type of Music Sarah Palin Likes?
Sarah Palin was recently asked what she thought about The Taliban. She paused for a moment, and replied, "Oh, I don't know, what kinda music does the band play?"
FBI Agents In California Confiscate Two Million Counterfeit Pennies
FBI agents in San Diego, California have confiscated over two million counterfeit pennies. An alert agent noticed that Lincoln was wearing a football helmet.
The Reason The KKK Is Closing Its Lower Zamgola, Africa Office
The Ku Klux Klan has announced they'll be closing their office in the African country of Lower Zamgola. It seems that they got tired of having wayward spears come whizzing through the front window.
The Jersey Shore Has Added A Little Bitty New Cast Member
The producers of The Jersey Shore have added a two-year-old baby to the shows cast. The baby named Rico smokes, drinks wine, and flashes his little pecker to the female cast members.
Jackie Chan Is One Very Pissed Off Dude Guy
China is having to recall over one million fortune cookies. It seems that someone replaced the paper fortune with a paper listing the private cell phone number of Jackie Chan.
Monkeys Escape From Zoo
A group of monkeys escaped from the San Diego Zoo today. They broke into a man's house and watched him take a crap. Later the monkeys watched as the man played with himself.
Feed the World Foundation
A new charity - Feed the World - has been set up in London. It is aimed directly at the super rich and will be run by them. It is hoped at least two percent of donations will reach their destinations.
China Leads the Way IV
Other countries follow China to develop their own Stealth technology. Japan's new model doesn't exist but it fools radar into thinking there are 1,000 Stealth Kamikazes on the way.
China Leads the Way III
Other countries follow China to develop their own Stealth technology.
France to introduce the new Stealth White Flag
China Sets The Standards II
Other countries follow China to their develop own Stealth technology.
Australian Aborigines protest being tied to giant boomerangs
Chinese Lead the Way
Other countries follow China to develop their own Stealth technology!
Mexico discovers that an adobe is impervious to radar detection.
Lady Godiva gives up riding
Lady Godiva has stopped riding bare back for the time being.
Agent, Dobbin Haywain, explained: "She's got a sore vagina, it's as red as a tomato and swollen like a plum. Poor girl can hardly walk.
Power Balance Bands DO Work
I have one on the wrist of my TV-remote-holding hand and I used it to switch to SKY Sports to watch the Ashes. And England won. Can't argue with that.
Power Balance Bands DO Work
They generate positive cosmic forces because the hologram resonates in harmony with the wearer. They are especially good for people with Parkinson's.
Power Balance Bands DO Work
The special rubber used in their manufacture gradually releases small amounts of placebo through the skin and into the bloodstream.
Power Balance Bands DO Work
So now I don't need my special hat made out of tin foil.
Power Balance Bands DO Work
Because they have a hologram. My credit card also has a hologram and this causes my credit limit to increase over time without me having to do anything.
Power Balance Bands DO Work
Provided they are the same weight as your wristwatch and you wear them on the other wrist. You are then scientifically proven to be in balance.
Better Left Alone
A curse on taxes! Furious witches in Romania cast spells against government as they have to pay state for first time. Spells to make birds fall from the sky, fish to float on backs!
Naked Squirrels Fall from Sky
News from Pipe Cleaner, Ky says that over two dozen naked squirrels have fallen from the sky. Officials claim that it was probably due to hundreds of hawks that fell from the sky a few hours earlier.
Black sheep sues Farmer
A black sheep is sueing a farmer for discrimination.
The sheep stated he was overworked and only ever gave wool to the farmer, his maid and an unknown boy down the lane.
White wool went to harrods.
Couple found injured at bottom of hill.
A couple, known as Jack and Jill, were discoverd laying at the bottom of a hill this morning. Police believe thier injuries were self inflicted. When asked about the incident, the couple stayed mute.
Joan Rivers Is Really and Truly One To Be Talking About Plastic
Joan Rivers has stated that Heidi Montag has so much plastic on her body that her hooha now comes with instructions.
One Reason Why Mexico's Green Guacamole Drug Cartel Is Doing Damn Good!
In a sign that the U.S. financial situation is not really getting any better, reliable sources have just confirmed that the U.S. is borrowing $800 million from Mexico's Green Guacamole Drug Cartel.
Before It Is All Over Sarah Palin Could End Up Being Mrs. North Korea
North Korea in appreciation of Sarah Palin's support has just sent her 200 cases of their finest rice.
Wikileaks Is Not on eBay - But This Is Much Better
A group of Chinese investor have offered Julian Assange $1 billion for Wikileaks.
The Reason The Tiger Woods Action Figure Dolls Are Being Recalled
The Hasbroken Toy Company has announced that it is having to recall every single one of its Tiger Woods Action Figure Dolls. It appears that for some reason the penises are falling off.
Turtle Doves Now Dropping from Sky
Mystery of mass animal death epidemic deepens after 8,000 turtle doves fall dead in Italy with strange blue stain on their beaks. Military: Weather balloons often blue in color."
NHS Hospital loses mans head!
The Honton General Hospital in Fulham, London, has misplaced a patients head. During a major transplant, the head went missing. Some kids were seen having a kick around outside the hospital grounds.
Fatty Sues NHS
It's not my fault, the NHS should have helped: The former world's fattest man to SUE health service for his weight gain. "No one even slapped my hand when I reached for my tenth pizza of the day."
Vietnam: US Diplomat Guilty
Vietnam media: US diplomat shoved local official, called him "Charlie".
Man Wins Prize for One-Trillionth Prayer
Alan Hume won a brand new GE washer and dryer. Hume's request for a new kidney for his daughter was the trillionth prayer in the history of humankind.
Beckham refuses offer to join Spurs
Beckham informed Spurs he couldn't join them as his son Brooklyn told him when he arrived home yesterday that "Mum's gone to Iceland". Beckham is now looking to join a Premier League Icelandic team
Viking Was First
Viking Found 'Organics' on Mars say scientists. This predates Columbus discovery by several decades.
White Sox May Move
Illinois Pols Push Plan To Boost Income Tax -- By 75%! That should really bring in the business.
One Bright Spot in Economy
Fed boss: It will take years for jobs to come back. One bright spot is comeback of blacksmith jobs as more people ride horses to work due to gas prices.
Zimbabweans Fear More Violence
7 out of 10 Zimbabweans fear political violence while only 6.5 fear it in US, Britain.
For Someone Who has Everything But Looks
What to get NKorean heir apparent on his birthday? Kim eyeballing SKorea.
All in Fun
US: Vatican relations strong despite cable leak of "Fishhead" jokes by members of Obama, Bush administrations. "I call them things too", confesses Benedict XVI
US imprisoned organ doantors get parole!
US prisoners on hearing that 2 inmates got released after donating a kidney also want to donate their organs so they can be released early, one prisoner even offered his heart?
Skoob Flu on the Rise
UK's surge in flu could stretch across Europe as 'The Skoob Flu' makes its appearance in France, Germany.
Miley Cyrus's Convinced She Knows Her Astronomy
"The universe was created in a big bong."
Female Butterflies Seduce Males
Butterfly sex: Cool weather makes female seducers. Many make use of famous 'butterfly kisses'.
Daley Appointment Procedes
Newly appointed Daley brings business, political smarts and Chicago mafia to job
Nazis Hated Spoof
New documents: Hitler-mocking dog enraged Nazis. Reaction against the spoof surprises many as Nazis usually a fun-loving lot.
Key Party Pakistan's Tea Party?
Key party rejoins Pakistan's ruling coalition. Hope to unlock a better future for the nation.
Fed Boss Encouraging
Fed boss likely to sound more hopeful on economy with latest speech, "We now have three full years before total bankruptcy instead of two."
House Against ObamaCare
House plans test vote Friday on health care repeal. Hope to have it fully recalled by the time it is fully implemented.
Michael Jackson Doc Trial
ER doc: Jackson dead long before hospital arrival. "We probably should have only brought the ambulance."
Can't We All be Friends?
United States to renew military ties with a rising China. After Korea, Vietnam, etc, wonder where they get the term "Renew"?
Sunken Ship Helps Cayman Islands
Cayman Islands sinking US ship to create reef, take tourists on "Sunken Ship" tours.
MENSA Not Worried by News
MENSA FACT CHECK: Mass bird, fish deaths occur regularly..."especially when the devil moves among us."
Obamacare Goes Under the Knife
Obamacare Goes Under the Knife. First thing we need to do is find out what it says", say freshman representatives.
December jobs report seen showing greater hiring. Some experts think it might have been better because of the extra hiring for the holidays.
The Latest Reality Show From CBS Has A Lot of Calories
The reality rehab show thing is really getting out of hand. CBS will soon be premiering its latest reality show, Fast Food Rehab.
Three Darn Good Reasons Why Tourists Will Soon Be Flocking To Vermont!
The Vermont Department of Tourism has unveiled their new tourist slogan: "Come on over to Vermont - We're so much more than just molasses - We've got wine, and beer, and Tequila imported from Japan."
The Amish Have Very, Very, Very Strict Rules
An Amish couple living in Oatmeal Cookies, Pennsylvania, has been ostracized from the religious group when it was learned that they own an electric toothbrush.
Does The New "Weeper of The House" John Boehner Ever Go A Day Without Crying On Camera?
Boston fans of the TV series Hell's Kitchen were fit to be tied when their local TV station cut into the show with footage of the new 'Weeper of the House' John Boehner again crying about something.
Guess What "Big" Award Kim Kardashian Has Won Now
Kim Kardashian has been named "The Celebrity With The Biggest Ass." She accepted the honor gracefully but added that she's so much more than just a "Big Ass." Ahh sorry Kimmy...(But) no you ain't.
The International distress signal "SOS" was first used in 1906. Prior to that the IDS was "SCQAGOSOOTM" which stood for "Someone come quick and get our ass out of this mess."
The Original Italian Flag Was Actually Edible
The first Italian flag was first used 214 years ago. Prior to that Italy simply used a pizza in its place.
Susan Boyle Reveals Why She Will Not Be Performing In Belgium
Susan Boyle has said that the reason she has cancelled her three concerts in Belgium is due to the sudden outbreak of the dreaded Brussel Sprouts Epidemic.
It Looks Like LeAnn Rimes Has Turned Over A New Leaf
NEWS FLASH: LeAnn Rimes has gone one whole month without stealing anyone's husband.
That Mrs. O'Leary Sure Had Some Highly Irresponsible Animals
403 years ago a fire completely destroyed the town of Jamestown, Virginia. The fire was blamed on Mrs. O'Leary's cow. No wait that was Chicago. Jamestown was destroyed by Mrs. O'Leary's hamster.
Flooding cuts TV signal to 25% of Australia
Australian floods meant 25% of population did not see defeat by England in Ashes series on TV. BA to screen full games on all long haul flights to/from Australia for next 4 years in sympathy gesture
Two Packages Explode In Maryland, U.S.A.
Intensive pat-downs suspected.
Microsoft Mulling New Tablet PC
"Crash Pad" to claw back market share from iPad
Chinese Tourists A Boon To Africa
Locust swarms reduced signficantly as insects appear on menu, not on crops.
Lohan Ready to Go!
Lindsay Lohan says that she is ready for a big comeback. "I plan to stay sober and recapture my career in 2010!"
No More Unconstitutional Rules
The US House has authorized 2500 Parochial School Teachers/Nuns to slap the Obama administration's federal agency rule-makers knuckles with a ruler, every time they write an unconstitutional rule!
A CSPAN Moment
The mind reader the Great Karnack has read Republican HS Boehner's mind, as he accepted that big gavel from outgoing Democratic HS Pelosi. "If only I could smack her with this thing!"
Picnic Food Safety Bill Provisions
The new Food Safety bill allows federal agents to arrest Aunt Agatha for leaving her famous deviled eggs in 95 degree Fahrenheit summer heat, provided 100 people or more incur food poisoning!
The Economic Advisors will get Bonuses
President Obama is to appoint former IBM, Microsoft & Goldman-Sachs CEOs to his Council of Economic Advisors. Obama's far left wing base has a melt-down, hissy-fit & threatens to immigrate to Mexico!
A Private Sector Job is Created
Presidential Press Secretary Gibbs is leaving the White House for the private sector. An assistant, Mr. Geppetto, indicated Gibbs kept tripping over his nose, such that it was time to move on!
Exercise Routine Mishap
San Francisco CA man injured while working out with 200 women performing the Tae Bo exercise routine to very loud music. Paramedics are reporting he only shattered his eardrums.
No Wonder California is Going Bankrupt
A California court overturns a small town's @*%&ing no-swearing in public ordnance!
Secretary of State Clinton Shakes Up China Team
China protocol personnel will be changed, prior to a US visit by Chinese President Hu Jintao. SoS Clinton was aghast the Taiwanese flag to be flown & Chop Suey served at the official state dinner!
Warning Labels that Make Sense
The US House has authorized the FDA to place "MORON" warning labels on the food police's foreheads, if they try to put warning labels on soft drink containers!
Supreme Court Ruling
The US Supreme Court has ruled that it is constitutional to call a liberal lawyer a MORON, who says that calling illegal immigrants illegal immigrants is unconstitutional!
Launch Off The Table
NASA spokesman tells msnbc.com that shuttle Discovery's launch in early February is "pretty much off the table. Plus, we have never launched from a table before."
Gore Blames Nader
Al Gore, who still blames his 2000 loss of presidency on Ralph Nader, claims that "Nader was pointing out that cars explode back in the 1960s and the Taliban heard every word!"
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