Spoof news snippets from Thursday 6 January 2011
Did Paris miss The Big Bang?
"The universe is not the result of chance, as some would want to make us believe," Benedict said on the day of the Epiphany, "But, I have my doubts about Paris Hilton."
Britney Spears Will Never Ever Change
Britney Spears made a New Year's resolution that she would never ever lip sync again. Well that resolution only lasted five days. She reportedly lip synced at her cousin's birthday party.
What The Hell Would Tarzan Think?
The African country of Upper Shambutu has stated that they are postponing their scheduled invasion of Ireland due to the massive Spear recall.
Flash: Chelsea Clinton's Marriage License Is A Fake!
Wikileaks is reporting that Chelsea Clinton's marriage license is a fake. If you look closely the woman in the license photo is actually Miley Cyrus and not Chelsea Clinton.
The Reason Why Brazil Nuts Are So Gosh Darn Expensive
Due to the Brazil Nut shortage, the price of each Brazil Nut has gone up to $7, making Brazil Nuts the most expensive nuts in the world. Bill Gates reportedly remarked, "Wanna bet?"
What Do Brett Favre and Mel Gibson Have In Common?
NFL quarterback Brett Favre who has fallen from grace faster than Bernie Madoff did has reportedly called up Mel "From Hell" Gibson and asked him for advice on how the hell to act.
Arnie Lands Plum Role
Warners are doing a remake of the hit TV series of the sixties The Beverley Hillbillies. Arnie will play Jed Clampett; Paris Hilton will play Elly May and Barry Manilow will play Granny Moses.
Obama Names Daley
President Barak Obama chooses William Daley as his new chief of stuff.
Breakthrough Blood Test
The breakthrough blood test that could help you find out if you suffer from ........that disease that makes you forget what it's called.
Fish, birds, Armageddon? Has our Savior returned?
As the escalating fish and bird deaths brings fears of the Apocalypse, could the sudden appearance of Ted Williams be the Second Coming of Christ?
It's the Aflockalypse: More mass animal deaths see 1000's of fish found floating in Fla, 200 birds dead on Texas bridge & 54 dead deer in different stages of rotting alongside I-24 near Paducah, Ky.
Osage of WikiLeaks is the Roman Polanski of Cyber Space ? even so he shouldn't of took a Leak on US and told US it was raining ?
Captain of the Enterprise ?
We would like to thank the Department of the Navy of the United States of America for making this movie possible " NIMCOMPOOP," ? What would James T. Kirk do ?
Many Spinsters Disappointed
Triple whammy of rain, sleet and snow showers to hit southern England tomorrow with Scotland braced for bastard with up to 9 inches. Sorry, that should be "blizzard" with up to 9 inches.
"Kiss My Green Ass, Judge!"
Care workers who tormented elderly women with Green Goblin glove puppet banned from profession for life after puppet threw fit in court during trial.
"Dance" Teacher Can't Wait
High school dance teacher, 27, arrested 'for having sex in a car with a 16-year-old student'. "I regret it. I should have had the patience to drive home first."
Retire to Britain
Latvian travels 1,500miles to squat in Britain because it's an 'easy touch'... and ends up living in a £10m mansion & you can too. Just check us at Newlife In Britain, Lagos, Nigeria.
Vatican solves bird death mystery
Pope says God is behind the Big Bang that killed the birds
Spam is on the run, corned beef too!
Spam consumption is on the retreat as people become aware that it's just a load of old junk. Monty Python still loves it though!
Remember The British Band The Dave Clark Five?
The famous 60s British band, The Dave Clark Five has reunited and will be touring as The Dave Clark Three.
Wisconsin Cheese Is Now Coming From Where?
Due to the cheese shortage in the Cheese State of Wisconsin, the state is having to import Wisconsin Cheese from the African country of Lower Zamgola.
So Tell Me Vladimir, How Much Is An Italian Spy Worth?
Russia has just captured three Italian spies that they say they are willing to trade to Italy for three cases of Italian wine.
The One Woman That Cloris Leachman Looks Up To
Former White House correspondent Helen "Old Rolls" Thomas is the only woman in America who can refer to Cloris Leachman as a little girl.
Guess What Kind of Leftovers Louisiana Has A Whole Bunch of
The state of Louisiana stated that they still have about 2 million souvenir Christmas Louisiana Tar Balls that they are willing to sell for 3 cents each.
Spoof writers delirious
Spoof writers are delirious today as the Caption Competition 'picture' was changed today. Writers' strike avoided!
Fisher Still With Titans
Titans owner Bud Adams says it's time to let Vince Young go and for the franchise to find its next quarterback, but coach Jeff Fisher who continues to coach a losing team still aboard after 16 years.
Author found at last!
The man that put the "Cunt" in Scunthorpe, has finally been found. Asked why he did it, replied. "It were only meant as joke tha knows, whats all fuss abart"
Curses! Romania's witches forced to pay income tax. 8.44 percent of leaders become toads.
Now It's Our Turn to Strut
The Fast Fix: Reading the Constitution - Political stunt or serious endeavor? "Right up there with Pelosi's grandchildren being on front row two years ago", say most.
Scientific Balloon Launches from Antarctica to Study Effects of Cosmic Rays on Earth brought down by Weather Balloon.
Huckleberry Finn was not a racist claim n+gg+ers!
The word n+gg+r used by Huck Finn in Mark Twain's famous books is upsetting the US. Although banned in many schools Twain's books are loved by n+gg+rs, they think he was only "White Trash" anyway?
Tiger Woods Dropped From Cover of His Own Video Game
His babes will appear instead.
Madonna Tells Barbara Walters She Has Two Surgeries Upcoming
Madonna reveals to Barbara Walters she is planning on having the gap in her teeth fixed. She said after that she'll see about getting her tits lifted off of her stomach and put back up on her chest.
The Real Reason Why Hugh Hefner Is Getting Married
Playboy mogul Hugh Hefner has revealed that the real reason he is getting married is so that he can reduce his Viagra intake by 75 percent.
Charlie "Hic!-Hic!" Sheen Says He Is Cutting Back On His Drinking
Charlie Sheen has stated that he is making a conscious effort to cut back on his drinking. He proudly states that he no longer drinks while showering.
Wasilla, Alaska - Home of Sarah Palin...and Lots and Lots of Damn Snow
NASA plans to launch a spaceship and land it in Wasilla, Alaska and check to see if there are actually any signs of life there.
Whitney Houston Lashes Out At "The Queen of Mean" Naomi Campbell
Whitney Houston has stated that she does not appreciate Naomi Campbell saying she has become a crack ho. Houston angrily replied that she has never gotten paid to have sex.
China Importing Discarded Christmas Stockings
Hopes to find sufficient coal to power its next economic boom.
Global Economy: China Takes The Lead
And rare earths too.
Egypt: Not Again!
Egypt puts extraordinary security around churches after a rain of frogs fall all over the nation.
Malaysian Man Leaves 'Demon' Wife
Goes for a nymph, instead.
China Is Not Kidding About The Dreaded Vuvuzela
The Republic of China has banned the use of the dreaded vuvuzela. Anyone caught violating this law will be forced to eat the damn thing.
The Saudi Arabian Bobsledding Team Has A Big Problem
Reports coming out of Saudi Arabia state that the Saudi bobsledding team has not been able to practice due to the fact that someone has stolen the bobsled.
Tiger Woods Is Pining After Lindsay Lohan
Tiger Woods has checked himself into The Henry and Betty Ford Rehab Clinic to try and hit on Lindsay Lohan. He soon finds out he's a day late and a dollar short. Lindsay Lohan has left the building.
Dick Cheney's Much Anticipated Book Is On Its Way (Oh Boy)
Dick Cheney has just announced that his upcoming book already has advance sales of 85 books. The book is titled, The Nice and Positive Things About Waterboarding That No One Ever Talks About.
Chinese Gymnasts Have Always Been Extremely Short But This One, Wow!
China announces that their number one gymnast is Ying Fu Goo, a 16-year-old native of Hong Kong, who stands an amazing 13 inches tall as has been nicknamed "Little Itty Bitty Grain of Rice."
New York's Mayor Bloomberg says that reports of garbage pile-ups in the city is over-ratted.
Town Bans Sidewalk Smoking
Town Bans Sidewalk Smoking, Threatens $1,000 Fines! Mayor: "I can't see why they want to smoke our sidewalks. It leaves big pieces pulled out and tastes like dog shit."
John Edwants Barely in Will
Elizabeth Edwards leaves John out of her will...except for leaving him the one in the guest's bathroom.
Finished At Last?
Study tracks turtles journey across South Atlantic. New congress objects to 200-year study.
Biden on ABC
Joe Biden's Dating Advice for Girls on ABC News! "What else do I have to do?" asks VP.
Obama School Gunman
Friends say Omaha school gunman was fun, pleasant, outgoing killer-like.
NKorea Courting SKorea
Analysis: SKorea cool to NKorea charm offensive. "Blowing up our island and our people there is a funny way of showing it."
Encouragement From China?
China backs policy of no pre-emptive nuke strikes. But could instantly change their minds if needed.
Med Journal Reports
Medical Journal: Study linking vaccine to autism was fraud...as was linking blindness to masterbation.
Shoppers Won't Lose Energy
Shoppers won't lose energy in 2011, economists say. "We've put too much sugar and corn syrup into everything."
More Troops to Afghanistan
U.S. to send 1,400 extra troops to Afghanistan as Obama Promise #17 falls by the wayside: report
Premier Cameron to have Surgery!
Dr Spoon Ingob, from Eton Hospital, explained it was just part of general operations being carried out on old Etonians to remove any strands of humanity that might have developed since leaving Eton.
Mobile Phone User Numbers To Crash Substantially
Microsoft unveils new Windows it says works on mobile phone chips.
Food Prices Skyrocket
Drinks cheaper, in comparison.
Scunthorpe United blame printers for missing letter after fans receive "Cunthorpe" calendar.
Arsenal FC had similar problem with the same printer last year.
Giant dog on the loose!
A giant dog ate an entire cat food factory today. The RSPCA hope the dog has been chipped. One RSPCA insider said; "No need for a chip mate, seen the size of the dog shit!"
GTC Considering Suing UK Government
'Global Trees Campaign' are considering suing the UK Government, for excessive use of paper.
Cameron explained: "It's the demand for Expense Forms causing the problem, we can do nothing about this.
Napolitano: Terror Threat Even in Common Everyday Items.
Announces that rather than stop terrorists, DHS will require background checks & registration of common items that could be used as weapons such as pencils, scissors, wooden kitchen spoons and lint.
In the post Christmas sales, Mattel admit Barbies are selling faster than they can make them. Long lines of people are forming outside stores, creating sightings of the rare Winter Barbie Queue.
Katy Price and Alex Reid to divorce
Katie Price (AKA Jordan) and husband of less than a year Alex Reid have admitted they won't reach their first wedding anniversary. In other news, winter is the coldest season and the sky is blue.
Wikileaks Founder Julian Assange Makes An Astounding Revelation
Wikileaks founder, spokesperson, and CEO Julian Assange has nude photos of every well known celebrity in America; except for Joan Rivers. Assange remarked that NOBODY wants to see Joan naked.
The Three Reasons Why Susan Boyle Cancelled Her Performance In Brooklyn
Susan Boyle stated that she regrets to have had to cancel her performance in Brooklyn but pointed out that she is allergic to wine, pizza, and mafioso's.
Heidi Montag Is Now In The Perfume Business
The latest perfume from Heidi Montag: Eau Du Plastic.
Sarah "Snowflake" Palin Picks Up Yet Another Honor
Sarah Palin has just been named by North Korea as "The Most Popular Non-Korean In North Korea."
Two NFL Teams Are Bound For Afghanistan?
Afghanistan has informed the NFL that they would like to see the New York Jets play the Oakland Raiders in Kabul in the summer of 2011. They did stress that they do not want to see the Detroit Lions.
Pope Benedict today resigned from the Papacy in a dramatic TV announcement from the Vatican. "Never wanted to be a Pope in the first place," said he. "Mum's idea."
One Big Moneysaver Already
New GOP Congress may cut global warming study funds & go back to rock outside window. "If wet, it's raining, if white, it's snowing, if hot it's a nice day, cold: look for a chill...etc.
Oil price 'enters danger zone'...
Oil prices has crossed the line into the danger zone according to Kenny Loggins who should know.
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