Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 5 January 2011
Spilled coffee forced emergency landing in Toronto
Flight recorder from United Airlines flight:
Capt. Peter Graves: You ever been in a cockpit before?
Joey: No sir, I've never been in a plane before.
Capt. Graves: You ever seen a grown man naked?
GOP reveals plans to stimulate the economy
Speaker of the House John Boehner is urging his fellow Republicans, "to keep reminding the American people, that there are only 350 days left until Christmas."
Royal Wedding Plans Revealed
I will be watching every James Bond film back to back a la Alan Partridge
Earth Doing Fine
NASA and the National Science Foundation launched a scientific balloon to study the effects of cosmic rays on Earth. Thus far, only UFOs have been affected.
So Seldom Get A Laugh
The very first x-ray images of a lightning strike have been captured by a, well, lightning-fast camera, scientists say. Then giggle for 30 minutes.
MORE PUMPING: Feds Says Recovery Not Strong Enough to Alter Stimulus...also, second judge caught with penis pump under robe.
Boehner New Speaker
112th Congress convenes; Boehner elected speaker, introduced as "John Beaner" by Nancy Pelosi who stole the gavel and ran off.
Brits give royal wedding cold shoulder!
The royal wedding plans were announced today while millions of Brits bombarded travel offices hoping to escape the pantomime, Prince William doesn't care as long as he gets his Kate, is she a virgin?
Masturbating doesn't cause baldness!
Scientist have proven that masturbating has nothing to do with males going bald, going blind, yes, but not bald!
Gray's Anatomy to replace the "K" word
A new edition of Gray's Anatomy will replace all instances of the word "knee growth plate" with "fractures in the supple regions of bones in children where growth and development takes place."
More Global Warming?
Lakes around the United States are warming say officials. "It's either global warming or everybody so fat they don't come out of water to piss."
Also, Birds Dropping From the Skies
What does a blizzard on the U.S. East Coast mean for global warming? "Blizzards are definitely a sign of G. W.", says true believer.
A Sure Bet?
Can Geothermal Energy pick up real steam? Or will Run-To-Win pass her up on the backstretch?
Meanwhile in Poetic News
To geologists, exposures of rocks in Antarctica are like a window to the human soul, through the edge of the ice sheet into the old continental crust below.
Dust Particles Break
Dust particles shatter in a pattern resembling that of broken glass, according to new research by the Institute of Who Gives A Crap.
Gibbs is Resigning
Gibbs is resigning as White House press secretary. Cites wanting to spend more time not making excuses for president.
Braun Electric Shaves 500
Braun Electric to shave more than 500 employees by the end of June. Will also close two factories.
Anti-U.S. Muslim Cleric
Anti-US cleric Muqtada al-Sadr returns to Iraq. "There are a few more that are anti-US, maybe a million or so", says U.S. Army commander.
Bristol Palin Loves Hunting, Fishing, and Playing Board Games?
Bristol Palin, who took third on Dancing With The Stars has denied the rumor that Mark Ballas visited her in her Arizona home over the holidays and the two played the new board game "TSA Pat Down."
Kim Kardashian Talks A Little Bit About Her Big Ass, Ass!
Kim Kardashian has stated that the only drawback to having a big ass is that when it falls asleep she has to sit down immediately or risk falling down on her...ass.
Serena Williams Explains The Glock 9 In Her Underwear
Serena Williams, one half of the tennis playing Williams sisters has pointed out the reason she has such a big bulge in the crotch of her underwear is because she has a gigantic labia majora.
Joan "Botox" Rivers Has Turned Into A Frightful Sight
I don't wanna say that Joan Rivers has gotten carried away with her botoxing, but word is that she has just had her duodenum botoxed.
Bernie Madoff Is Such A Popular Person...Even In Prison!
Bernie Madoff has just been named The 2010 Cell Block Queen of The Butner Federal Corrections Complex Prison in North Carolina.
Where to wait for good things?
Thought for the day: They say that all good things come to those who wait, and they also say, all good things must come to an end. To cut down on waiting times, wait at the end.
Warning Motorists Dangerous
Driver, 64, who flashed headlights to warn fellow motorists of speed trap hauled to charged with 'flashing'.
Kate Middleton's Wedding Plans Revealed
Kate Middleton's Wedding Plans Revealed...She is to marry someone called Prince William. Wedding to take place at church in Westminster.
A Certain Particular Nun In Boston Has A Habit Of Looking Too Close At Her Food
Sister Brenda Sue in Boston has reportedly found an image of Lady Gaga's crotch on a Saltine Cracker.
Wow! Nevada Is Getting Tough On The "Wow Factor"
The Nevada State Senate has banned the use of the much over-used phrase "Wow Factor" unless of course there really and truly is a legitimate "Wow Factor."
Well It Appears That Buckingham Palace Will Be Keeping Its Name After All
Queen Elizabeth has announced that the petition to change the name of Buckingham Palace to Monty Python Palace has failed because petitioners failed to garner the needed 800 million signatures.
Arizona Will Allow A Gay Male Prom Queen Under One Condition and One Condition Only
The state of Arizona has stated that it will allow a gay male prom queen but only on the condition that his prom date swears that he is straight.
Pakistani governor buried under tightened security, lots of dirt.
The Reasons Why Switzerland Said "Nopers" To Dancing With The Stars
Switzerland has decided to cancel its version of Dancing With The Stars. One, there aren't that many stars in Switzerland and two, it is hard as hell to dance in wooden clogs.
Delta Airlines Definitely Knows How To Effen Attract Customers!
Delta Airlines in order to lure more customers will begin encouraging its passengers to engage in popular games such as Spin The Bottle, Strip Poker, and Naked Pictionary.
Country Not Big Enough for Two Winners?
1 in Idaho, 1 in Wash. state win $355M jackpot. Both NRA members may have duel for winner.
Could The Problem Lie In The Exorbitant Membership Fees Perhaps?
Iraq's Suicide Bomber Reunion was held at a local KFC in Baghdad and again no one showed up.
Well It's A Darn Good Thing That Lindsay Lohan Is A Millionaire
Lindsay Lohan's request for unemployment benefits while she was confined to a rehab clinic have been turned down.
Jack-In-The-Box Says That The Price of Boxes Has Sky-Rocketed!
The Jack-In-The-Box restaurant chain has announced that in order to save money they will be changing the name of their franchise to Jack-In-The-Bag.
Mark Twain Censored
New edition removes Mark Twain's 'offensive' words in Huckleberry Finn, such as 'whitewash'.
The Tremendously Accurate Consumer Reports Magazine Report
Consumer Reports Magazine is reporting that readership by their magazine's consumers is down by 20 percent.
Pauls in the Action
2 Pauls to be sworn in, Rand in Senate, Ron in House. Peter still managing candy factories.
Iraq Eliminating Those on 'Enemy List'
Iran's foreign minister in Iraq said to be there to cement ties, shoes.
Shoe Tree Falls
Famous 'shoe tree' chopped down by dastardly vandals said to be a part of environmentalist group, Al-Earth Shoe.
Crystal Harris is being treated for shock tonight after discovering her new husband Hugh Hefner had turned into a pool of goo during the night. Pending autopsy report sales of Viagra have been halted.
So Farewell, Gerry Rafferty
The Night Owl of Baker Street, you're no longer stuck in the middle with us. That sax solo and guitar break were the soundtrack of my '78.
Oh dear - there are far too many "So Farewells," lately!
Manhattan's Newest Deli Has A Real Nice Familiar Ring To It
60s music icon Art Garfunkel and ex-American Idol judge Simon Cowell plan to open up a delicatessen in Manhattan and call it The Simon & Garfunkel Delicatessen.
The Fantastic Way That Paraguay Eliminated Poverty
The South American country of Paraguay has reported that they have eliminated poverty. A spokesperson said that what they did was round up all the poor people and bus them down to Uruguay.
O.J. Simpson Has Turned Into A Big Box of Granola Cereal - He's Fruity, Nutty, and Flaky
O.J. Simpson has told his warden that if they release him he promises to find the real killer and personally bring him back to prison - Cub Scouts honor.
Gay Richard Chamberlain Talks About Being Gay and Unemployed
Openly gay actor Richard Chamberlain wants everyone to know that he has changed his mind and that he is no longer gay so he would appreciate it if producers would send him some scripts.
Elton John Is Now The Proud Owner Of The Miley Cyrus Bong
Elton John has purchased the infamous YouTube Miley Cyrus Bong. No one even bothered to ask the old British singer why he wanted it and what he was going to do with it.
Rowling to Open Own Bank
Rowling and her partners Little and Blair are to open their own bank... The Harry Potter Bank of England. "Of course, if you want to borrow from us you will have to ask our permission," she stressed.
Bird Mystery Solved
On reading scientists' report as to why thousands of shocked birds fell dead out of the sky mayor of Arkansas warned citizens "If you must eat so much cabbage do not leave your windows open at night."
Long Before There Was Gatorade, There Was...
Archaeologists in Peru have discovered that the Incas had a type of drink that amazingly resembled Gatorade. The only discernible difference is that they called it Llama-Ade and it was brown.
Hey That 'Buzzing' Sound Is All In Their Heads
A consumer group was astounded to learn that only two electric shavers were sold this past Christmas in the Africa country of Loombeezi. They later learned that no one in Loombeezi has electricity.
Is The Damn Sahara Desert Hot or Is It Hot?
Residents of the Sahara Desert are wondering why desert sand is so damn hot. The United States issues them a $1.7 million grant study to find out.
Let's Hope That Someone Kept The iPad Receipts
Microsoft sent 1,000 iPads to the underdeveloped African country of Buffaranda. Unfortunately the iPads somehow got into the hands of the Yum Yum cannibal tribe who used them as chopping blocks.
A Penny or Two For Your Innermost Thoughts
The U.S. Treasury Department has stated that in the interest of saving money they will be doing away with the one cent penny and replacing it with the two cent penny.
NYC suicidal jumper who landed on trash bags and survived, is suing
Angelo Kapatos, who has some leg paralysis after his jump, said, "I landed on a Johnny Walker bottle, which was in the trash instead of recycles, I'd be walking if it wasn't for that ingrate."
A great news story of dead birds in Arkansas has been spoiled by Canada's PM Harper shuffling his cabinet, thank you, Stephen --- hope TSA gives you a double pat down, really down.
Jonas Brothers set a record for similarly worded tweets
Last week Jonas brothers tweeted "Happy New Year everyone!" They received 3,283 tweets per second with "Fuck off!"
Frozen Pork Belly Futures Rise in Price
Pork belly is used to make bacon. Analysts' say the price rise is due to a new frozen desert called a pigsicle, increased demand for bacon cheeseburgers, Arab speculators or a shortage of pigs!
Unelected Bureaucrats Beware
Republicans promise to overhaul and prevent unelected bureaucrats from expanding the government's role in society through regulations/rules that tell people what they must or can't do.
Hello Republican House Speaker Boehner
President Obama only screwed up half of the US economy in his first two years as president. The president and his Democratic liberal friends believe there is much more to be done, darn that Boehner!
The People's House
French Queen Marie Antoinette was deposed in 1793. Empress Pelosi was demoted in 2011. The French sometimes get it right, figuratively of course!
Cap and Trade Policy
The cities of Detroit MI, New Orleans LA and Baltimore MD have agreed to a "Cap and Trade Policy" for murders and robberies committed in 2011.
The Golden Rule
Republican House Speaker Boehner will be using the "Golden Rule" when dealing with Democrats. The new speaker controls the gold and therefore rules!
Watch Obama Watch the Market
After a midterm election sitting presidents push less controversial legislation that could hurt free markets, as their sights are set on their re-election in two years.
Junk Political Science
Former VP Gore tells President Obama the Democratic Party "shellacking" in the 2010 elections was due to global warming. The proof being, the majority of the states turned from blue to red!
Letter to Uncle Sam
BABY BOOMERS: Uncle Sam, you squandered the retirement and medical care money for our golden years. UNCLE SAM: Sorry, but you BBs were so busy working you never formed a special interest lobby!
There's a Message Here
Government sponsored food labeling has not decreased American's obesity rates. Government sponsored sexual abstinence programs have not decreased American's teen pregnancy rates.
Meanwhile in Other Bird News...
Vulture tagged by Israeli scientists flies into Saudi Arabia -- arrested for being a spy! Could face life in cage or public stoning.
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