Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 19 January 2011
No UNITED States
Democrat Compares Republicans to Nazis during House debate...
26 states join suit against law. Country really pulling together.
House Down on ObamaCare
House Votes to repeal year-old health care law. "We're running out of money for Social Security, Medicare. How are we to pay for this? We borrow it of course.
National Rifle Association Brings Out New Bumper Sticker
"As Long As NRA Fights Gun Laws Outlaws Will Have Guns"
Under Water Record Smashed
Paris: Town clerk Henri Le Chanceur has finally made it to the Guinness Book of Records by holding his head under water for over nine minutes. The funeral is on Wednesday.
Independent Thinker Unwelcome
Sen. Joe Lieberman says he will retire in 2012..."since neither party wants me."
All Eleven Players There
Most popular class for basketball players at U.of Louisville: Archaeology 100: Is This a Rock, Scissors or Paper?
Bushes in Dallas
Former First Lady laura Bush says that she and George are enjoying their new home in Dallas and usually stay there. "I got tired of watching George fall off his bike and whack weeds as entertainment."
Two hundred cows recently died in a field in Wisconsin. Locals say they don't know what killed them but every time someone mentions them, someone always says "Cheese whiz, what about that?" as a joke.
New GOP HealthCare!
Republicans are trying to veto ObamaCare in the House today. They are endorsing their new policy, "Just Don't Get Sick!"
Next Big Thing
According to a study of new inventions, most say that the next big thing in clothing may be booby socks.
Dolly on Blonds
Singer/actress Dolly Parton told reporters in Atlanta this morning that all blonds are not boobs. "Even though I'm more boob than blond.
Man City's Balotelli talks out of his arse!
Pea-brained Mario Balotelli from Man City thinks everbody is crap, crap and even crappier than himself, he's Italian and only moved to the UK because Italian Nazi's thought he was just "brown shit!"
Common Ground for America and China
Experts from the culinary Departments of the United States and China have come up with two winners showing the best of both countries: Chow mein Pizza and Steak and noodles.
CNN Apologizes for guest using term 'Crosshairs'. Also, night scope, taking a bead and Sniper bait.
Gibson Gathering Small Army?
REPORT: Prosecutors 'ready to charge Mel Gibson'. Mel: Apparently they haven't been watching my movies."
HU TO TAKE 4 QUESTIONS!!
Tells Reporters to fire away. Will pick one of his choice to ignore.
"Foot-in-Mouth Reid Gone?
Oops? Sen. Reid calls Chinese President a 'dictator'. Obama has him declared insane and sent to asylum.
'Experience China' takes over NYC's Times Square! No protesters at lack of human rights allowed!
China Growth Can Be Copied
China 'logs double-digit growth in 2010'...All US, Britain has to do is cut wages in half, lower benefits and work seven 12-hour days.
Are We Bought Yet? Are We Bought Yet?
RISING DRAGON: China on equal footing with USA as Hu visits Washington. Obama goes all-out to welcome the leader of a country that places it's own citizens in jail or a grave for speaking,
Colombian pigeon drug cartel "grounded!"
A Colombian pigeons drug cartel supplying drugs to prison inmates has been smashed. the business was "flying high" only problem was, they left too many droppings behind them?
Sarah Palin Clears Things Up on Sean Hannity
Sean Hannity asked Palin to explain once again her intention with the now infamous map. She replied, "Well, Sean, my mistake was clear. I realize I shoulda used bulls eyes instead of cross hairs.
"Hey Mom, My Potatoes Taste Kinda Funny."
Idaho once again facing a potato shortage has decided to start importing them in from Ireland.
Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith's Musical Baby
Will Smith and his wife Jada Pinkett-Smith have decided to give their next baby the melodious name Vuvuzela Marimba Smith
Stedman Graham Does Wear The Pants In His Relationship With Oprah "The Color Green" Winfrey
The United States Treasury Department is talking to Stedman Graham about asking Oprah Winfrey for a small loan.
Uncle Ben Is The Male Version of Aunt Jemima
Television's Judge Judy who made a very racist remark about "Uncle Tom" has made amends by donating $10,000 to The Aunt Jemima Pancake House For Unwed Ho's.
Madonna And Taylor Momsen Could Be Making An Album
Lady Gaga who cannot stand Madonna says that she should get together with Taylor Momsen and record under the name, The Old Beaver And The Young Racoon.
President Obama Said He Won't Be Using No "Ebonics" Names
President Obama has vetoed the idea of renaming the White House Press Corps Room The Collared Green Room.
The Sarah Palin Vs. Nancy Pelosi Asian Feud Continues
Nancy Pelosi reportedly wrote the government of South Korea and told them to let Sarah Palin have North Korea because they (South Korea) have her.
Kate Gosselin Says Alaska Traumatized Her
Kate Gosselin has revealed that her Alaskan experience has left her so traumatized that now she starts to shiver whenever she sees an ice cube.
Joan Rivers Puts An End To The "Bank" Rumor
Joan Rivers has denied the rumor that her 97-year-old uterus is the size of a bank safety deposit box.
Lindsay Lohan - The Woman Whose Freckles Have Freckles
Lindsay Lohan wants to talk to Dr. Phil and find out if the fact that she has over a million freckles has anythng at all to do with her erratic behavior.
Celebrity Tweet: David Beckham (5)
Am trying to stop Brooklyn using my iPhone but I can't see the keyhole to in the key to lock the keyboard..help
George Clooney in court
William O'Shun, Irish bank robber is suing George Clooney for plagiarism. William has 13 children and his family is referred to as O'Shuns 13 (or the 13 O'Shuns)
Hu is at the White House
We have no idea but as soon as we find out Hu is at the White House, we will let you know.
'Baby Doc' Duvalier denies Jordan rumours
Ex Haitian President, 'Baby Doc' Duvalier has denied rumours that he returned to Haiti after he split from glamour model Jordan.
Cowen combines Taoiseach, Foreign Minister & Minister for Tea
Embattled Taoiseach, Brian Cowen has taken over the position of Irish Foreign Minister. He will also make tea for Mary Hanafin. Hanafin has confirmed that he has her confidence as a tea boy.
Did Arthur Conan Doyle forsee television?
There are rumours circulating the literary world, that the author of Sherlock Holmes foresaw the invention of TV. "It's elementary," said fan, Chip Endal. "He's always crying 'What's On? What's On?'"
BMW Hotttest Car to Steal
Thieves make BMW hottest car at auto show, which will skip Camden, New Jersey this year after police layoffs!
No Love in Iran?
Iran bans production of Valentine's Day gifts. "We just 'love' doing that every year", say ruling clergy.
457 Million Chinese Online
China's Internet population rises to 457 million. Spoof writers learning to write stories in Chinese.
457 Million Online
China's Internet population rises to 457 million. US Home Security gives up on listening in on "chatter".
Needs Tweaking A Bit
Obama: Building trust with Beijing a must for US. "For insatnce, here's my Nobel Peace Price. Your winner is in prison."
Celebrity Tweet: Victoria Beckham (4)
Just gave Harry Redknapp 3 mill to sign Pienar, so David doesn't have to get hurt playing for Spurs. The things a doting wife does for her man.
Celebrity Tweet: David Beckham (4)
Spurs have just signed a new midfielder now I'm never going to get a game. I'll just sit here and scratch my Goldenballs instead.
Clinton Not Seeking Post
Clinton says she's not jockeying for defense post. "You make me sound like a racehorse!"
More Arab Countries Overthrown?
Arab League chief says Tunisia is dire warning. Poorly fed people in oil-rich nations are not always going to be satisfied with their circumstances."
Jordan takes new job at Bank of England
Model and celebrity Jordan is to join the Bank of England Monetary Policy Committee. George (Ozzy) Osbourne asked her to join to use her skills of getting things up to lift the value of the pound.
Vatican Letter Misunderstood
The Vatican says a letter warning Irish bishops against reporting sexual abuse of children to police has been misunderstood. "What we meant is that we can settle all this one on one."
Opening of Parliament Delayed Again
Judges seek delay in opening Afghan parliament...until they learn exactly what IS a parliament.
Camden police and firefighters turn in their gear. "Remember, WE know where all the goodies are", one tells Mayor.
Time Traveling Faster Than Ever!
Tell-tale letdown: Poe visitor again a no-show, just like last year. "Oh come on! That CAN'T be a year ago!!"
A Man Eat Dog Eat Man World
Study: Nearly 10,000 years ago, man's best friend provided protection and companionship - and an occasional meal...for one of them.
Bad Times Coming!
GOP spending cuts would affect millions of people, making them actually work for their incomes.
Finally Having Their Say!
Tunisians speaking out as shackles of silence fall. "For one thing, we don't like being called 'Tunis'. Makes us sound like fish", says one using his new freedom of speech.
Camden Police, Firemen Laid Off
Camden police and firefighters turn in their gear as criminals, fire bugs head for New Jersey free for all!
Student tracking finds limited learning in college. "Can't learn them anything these here days", says professor at U. of Tennessee at Tater Ridge.
ObamaCare Opposition Eases
Obamacare In Better Health as Opposition Eases! Billfolds and purses the biggest remaining holdouts.
What happens when mom unplugs teens for 6 months? "Well, it wasn't exactly "The Waltons", she admits. "Unless you mean the ones who own WalMart."
Baby Doc on Trial?
Duvalier faces possible trial in Haiti. Could be sentenced to spending the rest of his life in Haiti!
House to vote on repealing Obama's health care law. Will reconsider if named the Ronald Reagan health care law.
Hu Did You Say?
Obama hosts Hu as world powers seek common burial ground if talks don't work.
Goldman Sachs to buy Facebook, rename it 'Cookedbook'
In an effort to appease their rich and angry American clients after the fiasco of barring them from investing in Facebook, Goldman Sachs announces they'll just buy the social media giant instead.
Shocker! Cher has a twin Sister!
We asked Cher's mother about this claim, and she said: "Oh, it was Cher and Cher alike!"
Congress Tones Down Rhetoric
Congress tones down the rhetoric after shootings. "We'll keep it down if those a**holes on the other side of the aisle", whispered Joe Biden.
New President of NBC TV Network
Comcast is buying a 51 percent stake in NBC Universal, the NBC TV Network parent, from GE Corp. New president of NBC TV Network is to be Conan O'Brien, so expect big changes in NBC TV management!
How sweet it is
FDA, environmentalists and frost-belt state snow removal departments agree to eliminate using salt on icy roads. High fructose corn syrup will replace the salt as a deicer!
Where did you Park the Plane?
Defense contractor delivers prototype invisible aircraft(very stealthy) to US government airfield for testing. The aircraft has been reported missing from its hanger!
Far left wing ideologues who rail about gun control, off shore oil drilling, global warming, green energy, illegal immigration & public transportation have never been more than 5 miles from home!
Why Americans Believe Left Wingers are Lunatics
Berkeley CA City Council to have taxpayers pay the cost for sex change operations for city workers, that insurance plans consider elective surgery. However, a toy does not come with the procedure!
During a Bad Recession and Rising Energy Costs
Foreign countries view Obama administration policies' as somewhat crazy. Large deficits, stopping off shore oil drilling, shutting down coal fired power plants and an expensive health care program!
Cell Phone Bans Don't Decrease Accidents?
Some studies show laws banning hand held cell phone use while driving hasn't reduced accident rates. USDOT Secretary LaHood forces states to pass these laws by threatening to withhold road funds!
FCC Commissioner Opposes Fairness Doctrine
Rep. Clyburn's (D-SC) daughter Mignon Clyburn is an FCC commissioner who is against the fairness doctrine. During her confirmation hearings, said she opposed such a policy in "any way shape or form."
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