Order by:
Rating:

Most New Year's Resolutions Already Broken

Study shows that over 75% of New Year's resolutions have already been broken, forgotten or now have an asterisk beside them!

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

OK, 12 Trillion! But Not That Last One!

President Obama tries to distance himself from this last trillion dollar debt!

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Works in Reverse Also!

Archaeologist forgets and curses Egyptian mummy after catching finger in opening slot. Valuable mummy immediately turns to dust.

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Boomers Want 'The Real Thing!'

Boomers raid Coca Cola headquarters, demanding a Real Coke made with sugar. "Pepsi has 'Throwback' with sugar, Dr. Pepper has sugar, what's up with you guys?"

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

It Looks Like Little Piper Palin Might Not Be A Chip Off The Old Bitch, I Mean Block

Piper Palin reportedly told her teacher that she is depressed because she is already nine-years-old and she has yet to shoot her first moose, elk, caribou, or reindeer.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Vermont's Maple Syrup Shortage Is Getting Downright Ugly

The state of Vermont has announced that due to the maple syrup shortage farmers are having to dump over 200,000 pancakes into the Walloonmsac River.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Return of the Old West

Modern day cattle wrestler steals contents of truck bed while driver sleeps in WalMart parking lot.

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Nancy Pelosi Cannot Stand Sarah "Crosshairs" Palin

Nancy Pelosi says that she is going to introduce a bill into the Senate that will prohibit Sarah Palin from setting foot in any of the Lower 48 states.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 January 2011
Rating:

The Woman Who Can Eat 70 Buffalo Wings In One Sitting

Kirstie Alley was shocked to find out that chocolate covered buffalo wings are not a member of one of the four basic food groups.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 January 2011
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So Then Lavender Is The New Pink

The West Hollywood Flaming Gazette has just reported that the color lavender has just passed the color pink as the gayest color according to the nation's gay and lesbian population.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Atlanta Freezes Over

It was so cold in Atlanta last week that Bernie Madoff called it a "three-cellmate night!"

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Rowling Explains Vital Importance of Next Book

Said J.K.Rowling of her next Potter book. "Well, the next book is important because the idiot I ripped off said his series would comprise only seven books. Now I know the whole thing really is mine."

written by Auntie Matter, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Suffers Heart Attack During 'The View'

Austin, Texas man dies after long painful fight with mother in law over possession of TV remote.

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Good Enough for Them!

Family cat accidentally left behind when family moves shows up at new address three months later with four other cats to all shit in their shoes.

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Don King Hospitalized

Don King sues ceiling fan company for fan leaving him bloody and bald!

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Should Always Read Small Print

Small print shows that everybody that Oprah gave a car to a few years ago has also volunteered to be killed and buried with her in Pyramid when she dies.

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Extra Padding

The National Football League has ordered all players to grow big bushy hairdos before next season to help prevent concussions.

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

$14 Trillion Debt

Record $14 trillion-plus debt weighs on Congress. "I'm just thankful that it's on none of us", says Joe Citizen.

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

You'll Never Guess What The Two Carolina's (North and South) Are Fixing To Do

North Carolina and South Carolina are thinking about changing their state name to the more American sounding North Caroline and South Caroline. Singer Neil Diamond has given the idea his blessing.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Osama Bin Laden Is Well And Shopping In Karachi

Osama Bin Laden has reportedly been spotted at a Best Buy Electronics Shop in Karachi, Pakistan, purchasing some batteries for his video recorder.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 January 2011
Rating:

"Viva Zapata" Apparently Is Not Going To Fly

The makers of Viva Paper Towels are having to scrap their Viva Zapata ad campaign due to a threatened lawsuit by the family of Mexico's notorious bandit Emiliano Zapata.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Look Out Mama Palin - Willow Wants To Be Just Like Bristol

Willow Palin says she is seriously thinking about following in her sister Bristol footsteps. She noted not by appearing on Dancing With The Stars but by having a baby without having a husband.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Vice President Joe Biden Is A Much Better Vice-President Than "Dickless" Dick Cheney Was

Vice President Joe Biden wants all of his friends and neighbors back in Delaware to know that contrary to those incessant rumors he is not in the Witness Protection Program.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Wikileaks Reports That Rush Limbaugh Clearly Beats Adam Lambert In One Area

Wikileaks documents clearly show that Rush Limbaugh knows more gay people than Adam Lambert does.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 January 2011
Rating:

NBA Star Tony Parker Denies 'Sexting' A Very Well Know President's Wife

San Antonio Spurs basketball player Tony Parker who was born in France has denied 'sexting' France's first lady Carla Bruni Sarkozy.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 January 2011
Rating:

The Reason Brett Favre Is So Mad That He Could Cry And Will

Brett Favre is apparently highly upset that Glenn Beck and John Boehner both stole his patented 'Crybaby' act.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Wow! Miley Cyrus and Bristol Palin May Appear In A Movie About Dancing

Miley Cyrus says she may star in a movie with Bristol Palin to be called The Adventures of The Lap Dancer and The Crap Dancer.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Where Oh Where Is Antonio Banderas?

In The Where Are They Now Department: Antonio Banderas has been spending a lot of time with his much older wife Melanie Griffith who is having a tremendous problem dealing with chin cellulite.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Astrologers Add New Sign To Stablize Zodiac Charts

You guessed it! The 13th sign is NARWHAL, not the sinister sounding O'fook-us.

written by Hawking's Chair, 15 January 2011
Rating:

President Obama Flees Tini USA

Sorry. Correction! That should read: President Ben Ali flees Tunisia.

written by Hawking's Chair, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Homeland Insecurity To Scrap Border Security Project

With economy going south, migration flow may reverse in future. "No need for the B.S. project. Let the Mexicans build the fence if they want to," says one observer.

written by Hawking's Chair, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Palin, Beck Rally To Defense of Osama Bin Laden

Insist that like them, his messages calling for violence are not responsible for terrorist acts.

written by manbrad, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Uner $250, Growls Get Louder

Man with dancing, growling bear making thousands by coming into night clubs and passing hat after they finish their big number.

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

How to Please Your Man

Cosmopolitan latest: How to Please Your Man while still watching your favorite soap opera.

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Not John Paul II?

Big mix-up at the Vatican yesterday when Cardinal Albert Pujols was declared to be a saint.

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Reagan Son Little Like Old Man!

Son suggests Reagan had Alzheimer's as president. "Of course that was only near the end of uhh...his mustache.

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Obama's New Jobs

President Obama has helped some US citizens to have jobs by creating the role of Village Idiot by small towns across America. Most are former fellow politicians.

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Girl denies posing as a man for sex

Mirror News: Girl denies posing as a man for sex.

This is difficult to imagine. Surely you'd think, "Funny, those don't feel like testicles my balls are slapping against."

written by ExiledRoyal, 15 January 2011
Rating:

"Easy, Easy Money. Checks for Free!"

'The land of easy money': How the Somali woman who lied to claim asylum and £250,000 in benefit handouts described Britain. "All you have to do is tell one lie after another."


written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

US, China do not Trust Each Other

Clinton on China: 'Distrust lingers on both sides. You can trust me on that..if you're not Chinese.'

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Still screaming on Plane

Tunisia: security stepped up after leader Ben Alleeeeeeeeeeee! flees.

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Houston Homeless Hungry

Houston stops couple's outreach to homeless; Must have 'feeding' permit. Also, permit to die from starvation.

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

May Be Sour for Awhile

Rising Gasoline Prices Put Consumers in Sour Mood.! Food price jumps causing them to puke!

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Envoys in Iran

Envoys to tour 238 key Iranian nuclear facilities, admit that they are getting there a little late.

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Reagan Had Alzheimers

Son suggests Reagan had Alzheimer's as president. So what's Bush and Obama's excuse?

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Of Reefs & Reefers

Puerto Rico aims to protect newly discovered reefs. Jamaica aims to protect newly rolled reefers.

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

T. Rex Ancestor Found

Early T. Rex ancestor, Z. Rex has been discovered in South America.

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Can't See Them With Nose in the Air?

Obama: Time to tackle nation's challenges again. Translation: I'm going to put us twice as much in debt!

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Guv Couldn't Even Help Himself

Schwarzenegger says governorship cost him $200 million. Popular opinion: "He couldn't even manage his own finances, no wonder the state is going belly-up."

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Here He Comes

Obama readies new focus on education. Teachers, educators get ready for the same screw-up as the military, business, illegal immigration.

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Me! ME! MEEEE!

President Obama has announced that he is divorcing Michelle and marrying his true love, himself.

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Palin Gets Contact Lenses

Custom-made 'crosshair' lenses enable critical look at opponents and make apter fashion statement than glasses.

written by Hawking's Chair, 15 January 2011
Rating:

William Hague Memo - Error or not?

A memo written by Willie Hague with the following passage, misspelt or otherwise: '..as soon as I get my Daily Male today...' - has caused his beloved Ffion to investigate further!

written by Inchcock, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Az. Suspect Beefcake, Fruitcake Pics

Official: Ariz. suspect posed in G-string with gun. Did twice as many head spins as Manson during his early days in lock-up.

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Obama's Headrest

Obama's mother-in-law says President sleeps with Nobel Peace Prize under his pillow. Explains lop-sided head.

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Fence to Drones to Fence

U.S. cancels $1bn 'virtual fence' on Mexico border; to use drones, mobile systems instead until 2014, when we will go back to virtual fence. We are Borg.

written by Bureau, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Man Made Rubber Shortage

Scientists prove that the earth is cooling. Rabid environmentalists purchase all the erasers in the world to change global warming to global cooling in their data and then predict a rubber shortage!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Déjà Vu All Over again

Illinois increased its spending rate by twice its increase in revenue rate over a decade. This strategy is akin to GM selling cars for less than their production costs!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Cars Designed by Bureaucrats

USDOT/EPA mandate automobile manufacturer's of 2014 cars to achieve high gasoline miles per gallon, low carbon dioxide emissions and high passenger safety (seven air bags). Pick any two!



written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Dream on Mr. President

President Obama calls for the Democratic far left to tone down their rhetoric. They agree to only use terms such as honey, sweetie and your mother wears army shoes when talking about Republicans!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 January 2011
Rating:

A Harey Tale

Police raid home in Berlin Germany and find 80 rabbits and a lot of rabbit poop inside. Herr Harvey Schmitz a barber claims he was having a bad hare day!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Depends on Whose Ox is being Gored

Democratic liberal Senators from West Virginia find it easy to let the EPA interfere with other states industries. Then the EPA comes to WV to kill coal mining jobs and the Senators get upset!




written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Less Rhetoric but the Same old S**t

A kinder gentler Democratic far left is still going to try to tell Americans what to eat, read, speak, watch, drive, breathe & what should be banned. The American people say PSSSSSST (thank you Opus)!



written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Words Have Meaning

Elections have a very polarizing effect, exhibiting negative charges. Oops that should be electrons!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 January 2011
Rating:

DUH, What Did He Say?

Democratic liberal far left Rep. Clyburn (D-SC) has said that enacting federal legislation has nothing to do with the US Constitution! He has also called for govt. censorship. Term limits anyone!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Legally Speaking

Same sex marriage advocates indicate that any law legalizing the practice could be a pain in the ass, especially later if same sex divorce is involved!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Who got the Government Bailout?

HAPPY HARRY: I overbought on my house then couldn't pay the underwater mortgage and maxed out my credit cards. LIVID LARRY: I paid my mortgage for 30 years and have little to no credit card debt!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Free Consultation

A leading psychiatrist has declared penis envy a disease. If you or a loved one has contracted this malady please call Dr. Wanker at 1-800-ONE-INCH for a free consultation about a cure!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 January 2011
Rating:

No Ice Capped Mountains in Australia

Local environmentalist's blame Queensland Australia's flooding on melting ice in Martinis served at Sydney cocktail parties, during happy hour, as causing the severe rainfall!




written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 January 2011
Rating:

Liberals Never Learn

Illinois raises corporate taxes, hoping to raise more revenue to avoid bankruptcy. The approach is counterproductive as businesses will lay off workers or move out of state, tax revenue will decrease!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 15 January 2011
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