Spoof news snippets from Friday 14 January 2011
Disturbed Woman's Paranoid Rant About Tuscon Shooting Becomes Youtube Sensation
Palin plans to follow up with video denying connection to Charlie Sheen's hotel rampage.
Pansy Brokaw Nervous Nelly
Pansy Brokaw: 'I Would Be Nervous Going Into A Bar' In Arizona. He should try one across the border.
Smell Will Tell
How your sense of smell could predict when you're going to die, especially if you breath nerve gas.
Robert Mugabe apologises
President Mugabe of Zimbabwindsor has apologised for not using clean utensils when torturing his subjects.
"I know dees ken cause de infectious". He mused.
Money For Nothing
Canadian radio station to censor the 1985 Dire Straits "Money for Nothing," after a complaint that the lyrics of the Grammy Award-winning song were derogatory to gay men, getting money to play guitar.
Chinese New Year Screwed Up
Earth's 'wobble' means your zodiac sign may be wrong. Also, Chinese New Year all screwed up. Is it Monkey or Rabbit? What do we put on our checks?
Hello There, Pilgrim!
100 pilgrims killed in stampede at Indian Tribute to John Wayne festival.
Reagan had Alzheimer's while president, son claims. However, he keeps talking about his grandmother "Miss Lillian".
Women in Combat
Report: Women should be allowed in combat units. Police say they more than hold their own in family spats.
Took Over Three Hours!
Patient without a heartbeat is brought back to life by machine after THREE hours with 20,000 chest presses. "I saw a light and Mother Teresa walking toward me. She took her time."
Gay prison rodents love biting prisoners penis's!
I a NY jail a male prisoner was attacked by a gay rodent who jumped out of his matress and started biting the prisoners "dick", luckily he wasn't in the shower at the time?
Breastfeeding Raises Doubts
Breastfeeding study raises doubts over big firm white uh...guidelines.
The Netherlands Cigar Shortage Has Hit An Alarming Low
Due to the country's extreme cigar shortage, the Netherlands is planning on invading Cuba in late March.
Joan "The Moan" Rivers Is One To Be Talking About Effen Plastic
Joan Rivers says that Heidi Montag has so much plastic in her body that a ship cruise line could use her as a lifeboat.
Tiger Woods Is Quitting The USA and Moving To Sweden
Tigers Woods has decided to move to Sweden and play professional golf over there. When asked why, he just grinned and said for no particular reason. [Lets see - Sweden equals blondes?]
The Tea Party Membership Drive Was A Complete Success (Hmmmmm)
The Tea Bag Party has just had a successful membership drive. But the membership drive director was embarrassed when it was learned that six of the new members are also registered Al Qaeda members.
The Rumor That Ann Coulter Named Her House 'Casa Giddy Up' Has Not Yet Been Refuted
Recently collected DNA evidence proves conclusively that GOP maven Ann "Trigger Face" Coulter has never, ever kissed a horse.
Middle School bans sledding down dangerous hill. "Should be in their homes shooting and raping on internet games", say officials.
California May Approve Fat Tax
California may turn to porker to solve state budget woes. New overweight to be taxed by the pound!
Obama Plans Billiob Dollar Campaign
Obama Plans Billion-dollar reelection campaign. "In another 4 years and 50 trillion in debt, I should be able to finish the job."
"But We Need the Money!"
Mexican gunman fires across border toward U.S. highway workers. It's like living in South Korea", states one worker.
Knee-Deep in the Big Muddy
Rising Gasoline Prices Put Consumers in Sour Mood. Saudis say 'Deal with it!" while President Obama discourages digging our own oil!
Silvio Berlusconi under investigation for having sex with an underage hooker
The 17 year old 'Ruby, Stealer of Hearts' got into an erotic game called bunga bunga.Berlusconi claims, "The age of La Dolce Vita is 14 in Italy"
Homeless man with the deep refined voice, is a hoax
NBA's Cleveland Cavaliers were going to hire, Ted Williams but found out 'Ted' is a cross-dresser. Susan Boyle said, she's always wanted to be a black man announcing basketball games.
Blair has designs on motherhood
Selma Blair and boyfriend Jason Bleick are expecting their first child
JetBlue Flight Grounded after Pilot loses his TSA-issued firearm
The pilot lost it after going through security. According to TSA, the pilot claimed during the pat down, "That isn't a gun in my pocket, I'm just happy to see you"
Spud-only eater gets Potato Man of Year award...and he's not even Irish!
Scientists Count Grains of Sand
To confirm -- after counting stars -- that there are more stars in the universe than grains of sand on Earth.
Chinese President To Receive Honorary Doctorate During U.S. Visit
There's your Dr. Hu.
"Crosshairs" Sarah Is Starting To Lose Her Alaskan Cool
Sarah Palin confided to nine-year-old talkative daughter Piper that if the media doesn't stop calling her "Crosshairs" Sarah she may just up and move across the Bering Sea to Russia.
Google May Soon Be A Thing Of The Past
Google has announced that it plans to change its name to the much more appropriate and politically correct Giggle.
China Wants To Buy Wikileaks And Move It To Hong Kong
An investment firm from Hong Kong, China wants to purchase Wikileaks and rename it Wikireaks.
The Absolute Truth About That Infamous Yankee Doodle Song
The song lyrics 'Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony, stuck a feather in his hat and called it macaroni' are false. What Yankee Doodle actually called it was, vermicelli.
Now Hear This!
Martha Stewart gets stitches after dog strikes lip after raising leg on her right ear.
Are Spiderman Movies Cursed?
Delayed again, 'Spider-Man' may set another record. Even the first had to be delayed after 911 as it showed the Twin Towers!
Giant French Cock
BBC female newsreader talking about 4th plinth in Trafalgar square discusses "giant French Cock"and burst out laughing :-))
The French Think That They Pretty Much Invented Everything
The term au revoir, which is French for hello or goodbye was not really invented by the French. The French actually stole that phase from the Kiowa Indians of Kansas.
Hey Franz Is That A lobster? Achoo
The German word gesundheit, which means good health and spoken after someone sneezes didn't come from Germany. It originated in Louisiana and was named after a neutered lobster.
"Skins" Entertaining Drama?
'Skins': A raw, entertaining drama about awkward teenagers, football team.
Liechtenstein Is At The Point Where It's Already Standing Room Only
The tiny European country of Liechtenstein is so small that it has outlawed the use of Viagra.
The Country Formerly Known As Upper Shabutu?
The United Nations is sending a group of munitions inspectors to the little African country of Upper Shabutu because of rumors that it has developed an Atomic Bomb.
FDA Lowers Doses
FDA orders lower doses in prescription killers. "It was a bad idea to begin with", says one company CEO.
The Word Number Two By Any Other Name Smells Just As Bad!
Many people believe that the word 'two' came from the French word deux. But truth be told it actually came from the buffalo droppings that the buffalo hunters called number 2.
When Sarah "Crosshairs" Palin Finds Out Who Is Moving To Wasilla, Alaska She Is Going To You-Know-What
The Taliban has decided to open up a branch office in Wasilla, Alaska.
JFK's New Online Library
JFK library opens 1st online presidential archive including Marilyn Monroe's dress blowing up while standing over vent.
Chinese Getting the Lead Out!
Stocks muted amid weak US jobs, Chinese tightening screws as consumer advocates urge population to avoid cheaply made Chinese products.
Hasbro Sales Weak
Hasbro says 4Q sales were weak..may change name to "Hasbroke" or "Hasbeen".
Chairs in Wrong Position
Gates: NKorea must show good faith for new talks by not harping on the size of the chairs and table that they first argued over in 1956.
Pope John Paul to be beatified May 1!
Pope John Paul to be beatified May 1, during halftime at Russian's annual military parade.
F-35 looking more like white elephant. "I tried to tell them that a plane doesn't have big ears", says one builder.
34,000-Year-Old Organisms Found Buried Alive! #2
34,000-Year-Old Organisms Found Buried Alive! "We had almost given up until Glob got us singing "Staying Alive" by the BeeGees", states one.
Italy's Berlusconi in Prostitution Probe
Italy's Berlusconi in prostitution probe! This comes as a major surprise to...well, there's bound to be a few out there somewhere.
Students OK after confusing rat poison for candy. Apparently Meth intake had already destroyed the body parts that the poison would have threatened.
Giant Blue Rooster #2
Rocking horse and rooster set for Trafalgar Square. Drunks object. Say they won't be able to tell if they have "had enough".
Giant Blue Rooster in London
LONDON - A giant blue rooster and a boy on a rocking horse will stand alongside a statue of military hero Adm. Horatio Nelson in London's Trafalgar Square. Next year, Harry Potter?
Chinese Farmer Sentence to Life!
Chinese farmer gets life for evading highway tolls. Government to take over farm. Same for fellow farmers located where city planned.
JPMorgan Chase's Profits Jump
JPMorgan Chase's profit jumps 47 percent in 4Q. Say they still wouldn't mind a small cash stimulant package.
Wobble Changes Future?
Earth's 'wobble' means your zodiac sign may be wrong. "The stars are in same formation but at different time of the year", says expert.
F-35 A White Elephant?
F-35 looking more like white elephant...except for pointy head, wings!
34,000-Year-Old Organisms Found Buried Alive!
34,000-Year-Old Organisms Found Buried Alive! Big celebration by wives, friends & children.
Relying on High Tech Too Much?
Upgrade Your Life: Simple old-fashioned solutions to high-tech problems by using something you already have, called a brain.
Obama Ratings Still Down
Despite recent victories, political rally in Arizona, new poll reveals challenges ahead for Obama
GOP Not Scared Off!
Obamacare repeal rescheduled; GOP not scared off by left-wing attacks. "Single wing will only fly in circles", says McConnell.
Gates Says China Military-Civil Disconnect a Concern
Defense Secretary Robert Gates voiced concerned that Pres. Hu Jintao was unaware of his military's stealth fighter tests. "I had to remind him that, Hu da man," said Gates.
Chinese Stealth Fighter brought down
The new Chinese stealth fighter has crashed after a collision with Puff the Magic Dragon. Puff's home of Honah Lee is thought to be off the coast of Taiwan, of which he is a staunch supporter.
Prophet ***** ****** ***** *** *****
Islam's central figure, the Prophet ******** was *** and never ******* his **** without ****, according to a new book "Insulting the Prophet: Bring Chips When You Visit" by Giles Brandreth
Family of Hall of Famer, Ted Williams, wants DNA of homeless man
Red Sox slugger Williams' head was suspended in liquid nitrogen when he died. "This 'homeless man' with the fine voice looks eerily like our Ted," said a family member.
Martha Stewart gets split lip from dog
Stewart received a nine inch stitch to her lip, after a head butt with her bulldog, Francesca. The hospital is holding the dog overnight to make sure it didn't get rabies.
Justin Bieber Hospitalized
Sixteen year old Bieber was treated for puberty and released 30 minutes later.
The Farmer Has No Idea What The "Baby" Is Called
A dairy farmer in Wisconsin accidentally crossed a milk cow with an egg laying hen. He has no earthly idea what it is, but he did say that it gives damn good egg nog.
China Is Having To Import Fortune Cookies
China has said that due to the fortune cookie shortage it will be importing fortune cookies from Wing Wangs Fortune Cookie Shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.
The Florida Volcano Ain't Gonna Do A Damn Thing Now
The newly discovered volcano in Florida, Mt. St. Citrus, has been neutered. So now instead of lava it has lemonade.
Roman Polanski Says He Is Sorry And Wants To Move On
Roman Polanski says he is sorry for everything he did in the past. He adds that he would love to date Piper Palin and talk about arithmetic, Barbie Dolls, and The Wizards of Waverly Place.
The Real Origins of The Black Coffee Known As Espresso
The word Espresso which signifies black coffee and is credited with having been invented in Italy was actually invented in the African country of Lower Zamgola, which makes more sense.
Spoof Under Legal Threat
Notorious defamation lawyers Schillings of London have warned Spoof.com that if they do not show Ms Rowling and their other clients respect they will respectfully ruin them, as they've done to others.
NYC Cellphones a Necessity
New Yorkers say they should not be condemned for carrying around their cellphones all the time. Some buried in the recent snows say that's the only way the police could find them & pull them out.
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