Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 12 January 2011
Google becomes a religion
Google has been granted religion and godhood status after it was revealed that millions of people now look to it for all their answers.
Jack the Ripper: Last diary entry found.
An extra ordinary find in the basement of a house in Whitechapel, London England, has revealed the last known words of Jack the Ripper. It reads: Mon 3rd March 1889. Must cut this sort of thing out
Cloned Jefferson Writes New Declaration!
But doesn't know how to work a Xerox. Has never seen light bulb nevermind a photocopier. Looked for the power button for an hour, jammed the machine twice then gave up.
Bristol Palin twits Sarah back on motherhood
Hey loser mom - git off ma ass will ya. Don't ya forgit I covered yers during the campaign
Sarah Palin twits Bristol on new reality show
Hey fatass daughter...they're pullin' the plug on ma show. Whyn't you lose a bit o' lard and audition for "Mama for Prez"
Sarah Palin twits Todd Palin on Bristol
Hey first dude - is that fat-ass daughter o' yourn Bristol up yet. Her baby's diaper needs changin'
Founding Fathers Cloned!
Finally, an end to all our problems.
Sarah Palin twits lamestream media
Yer jest a bunch of mindless finger pointing haters - an' yer all plain jealous of me
New Gun Invented!
Has muzzle on both ends of barrel.
Sarah Palin SOS to Rush Limbaugh on gittin' back on the bandwagon
Hey Fatboy - I'm droppin' in the polls like a meteor in an Alaskan puddle. Anythin' cookin' on gittin' me back in the saddle?
Second Amendment Repealed!
US citizens will be allowed to keep and carry bear arms. Authorities report a spike in the number of armless bears since the amendment passed.
Sarah Palin tweets Glen Beck on meaning of blood libel
Hi Fats..there pickin' on me agin --whatsa meanin' of blood libel?
Riots reach Tunisia's capital, Curfew!!!..excuse me.. imposed.
Unlike Dog in 1940's
Latest German animal star a cross-eyed opossum which doesn't look a thing like Hitler!
Weird Al Set to Release Box Set on iTunes
Weird Al planned release on iTunes isn't getting the news the Beatles got for their box set, but he is hopeful someone might spend $9.99 to get it. The box set includes a new song called "Feed Me."
Wasn't My Fault!
Police visited Tucson suspect's home before rampage. Could that be reason sheriff jumped on others because of his own failures?
Please Don't Leave Chi-Town!
Illinois business leaders bristle at planned tax hike. May ask Oprah for bailout!
66 Percent Tax Boost
Illinois faces 66 percent tax boost amid budget crisis...and now he's in the White House.
Hits All the Big Spots
Lebanese leader heads to Paris after seeing Omaha...that is, "Obama".
Homeless UK couple caught having "grave" sex between the graves!
A UK couple, pissed out of their brains stripped off in a graveyard and were caught having "grave sex" amongst the graves. After sobering up they told the police "we're only Adam and Eve!"
Housing Market Down Again
November, 2010 marked the 53rd consecutive month (4 ½ years) that home values have fallen, according to study. Blame global warming, TV violence & Talk Radio.
Alcoholic Romanian birds die after binge drinking!
Alcoholic Romanian birds have been dying because they failed the breathalyser test, hit the sky and dropped like stones: Ornothologists are warning "Don't drink and fly" it can be deadly!
Merkel ready to Do 'Whatever Needed' to save Euro
Angela Merkel offered to make her favorite sauerbraten, bratkartoffeln, sauerkraut,and potato salad and serve it wearing her little miss lederhosen with the off-shoulder sleeve shirt at the next G8.
Hillary Clinton Falls While Boarding Plane in Yemen
Pilot Glenn Beck thinks she may been have distracted, while, looking at her seat assignment stub.
Mugged Within One Hour
Arkansas visitor to New York City asks people on the street how he can get on the Trans Fat to Queens.
Former President George Bush admits that all he ever discussed with Kim of NKorea were cartoons.
Madam Tussauds has announced that they plan to do a waxwork figure of Kirstie Alley just as soon as enough wax arrives.
Can You Help?
World faces overpopulation 'disaster' as number of people is set to rise by 75 million EACH YEAR! Authorities ask for volunteers.
Gravy Train! All Aboard! Fasten Your Money Belts!
The gravy train rolls on: Now boss of bailed-out bank Lloyds set to get a £2m bonus. Rest of taxpayers screwed as usual.
MP's Propose to Fund Charities to Help Cope with VAT Rise!
Details of the MPs funding of national charities, to help alleviate the effects of the VAT rises will be released shortly.
We expect both MPs donating to do it anonymously.
Kids Suicide Blamed on Kids Cartoon
6 year old, Jimmy Lang, was found dead after hearing Steve Burns from Blues Clues say, "You can do anything, that you want to do". we will now, publicly bash him whenever they have the chance
Eliot Spitzer says NYC's 9 inches, "no big deal"
The 9 inch snowfall NYC got overnight, "was no big deal compared to what I had when I was Governor 'Client 9'," said Spitzer
More Elected Hippocrites
Dem rep urging 'civility' had called for Florida governor candidate to be shot.
You Need to Sacrifice Some
California's Governor Jerry Brown proposes 'painful to you, not me' budget cuts.
49 States Have Snow
Snow in 49 states including Hawaii... Florida only holdout. Many there are reporting some kind of "white rain".
Citizens Strike Back?
RI Gov. bans state employees from speaking on talk radio. Many who believe in freedom of speech plan to call in today.
NFL Bargaining Hold-Up
Players say NFL's 18-game proposal is major hitch. "Half of us are injured before 16 game season over now", says spokesman.
Marriott Hotels, Motels thinking about opening in many airport malls around the nation.
Most popular baby names in Australia
The most popular boys name was Noah, while, Omg topped girls names.
Glockenspiel sales jump 16% in California
After radio station WKRAP in Los Angeles played a marathon of music by Indie band, Los Campesinos [check it out], glockenspiel sales have soared.
Snooki Changing Name?
MTV's Snooki tired of her nickname. "I think Flopsy sounds a lot better."
Earliest Winery Discovered
Earliest known winery found in Armenian cave. "We thought there might be one here because of last weeks discovery of world's oldest rehab clinic", says group spokesman.
Tom Delay Sentenced to Three Years in Federal Prison
With time off for good behavior, he may just be out in time to influence the 2012 elections.
No Jobs, More Stress
AP analysis: Jobs crisis pushes up economic stress. Somehow cannot see the connection.
Gun Sales in Arizona Up!
Jump in Arizona handgun checks follow shootings. Also, jump in number of handgun sales.
Russia Blames Flight Crew
Russia blames Polish crew in Kaczynski air crash. Also, everything else bad that happens there.
Tunisian interior minister sacked
Tunisian interior minister has been sacked...thrown into river close-by.
Ass-Buster Heads North
Northeast shouldering snow that crippled South. Most were crippled by falling on their ass.
Celebrity Tweet: David Beckham (2)
Harry Rednapp asked me what number I want on my shirt when I play for Spurs. My lucky number is 7 (Aaron Lennon's) so instead I will have 7 times 7 which is 77
A Piece of History Destroyed
A Piece of History Destroyed in Utah. Luckily, it wasn't a very well known piece.
Celebrity Tweet: Roman Abramovitch (2)
BBC asked if they can send a camera crew with me for a year on my boat Eclipse as I travel the world. Series is to be called "Roman's Holidays" for BBC 4 HD
Actor Dave Nelson Dies
Actor David Nelson of famous TV family dies at 74. Dave won three Emmys for playing himself for 12-15 years.
Jackson Doc Receives Two Setbacks at Trial
Judge deals Jackson doc 2 setbacks with rulings: "Shut up and sit down!"
Celebrity Tweet: Victoria Beckham (2)
Alan Sugar tweeted me and asked if I want to take over from Karen Brady on The Apprentice. Agreed if we change programme name to "Sugar and Spice"
Hezbollah to Resign
Hezbollah plans to resign from Lebanese government. Maybe enforce their own government.
Ill. faces 66 percent tax boost amid budget crisis. Businesses to lay off two-thirds of their employees to pay their share.
New Obese Ambulances
Boston debuts ambulance for obese patients. It will have a truck with flashing lights and a "Wide Load" in front and behind it as it travels down the Interstate.
Cross-eyed opossum capturing the hearts of Germans. "If only we had this guy during the late 1930's instead of a mad dog", say many.
Census: Long-distance moves in US hit record low. "Better the devil you know that the one you-don't know!"
Less Moving About
Census: Long-distance moves in US hit record low. "No use moving south as it is heading this way", the most common answer.
Celebrity Tweet: Roman Abramovitch (I)
Met the Beckhams last night at the Bridge, said they both had low iQ's. Victoria thought it was a new product from Apple.
David Nelson Dead
Actor David Nelson of famous TV family dies at 74. David was Ricky Nelson's brother who snapped his fingers in the background during Ricky's songs, winning best supporting brother award.
Celebrity Tweet: David Beckham (1)
Vic tells me she's up the spout again, blamed me for poor ball control. Thought I got to the line and pulled it back, must have been mistaken.
Another NorthEast Blizzard
Major winter storm wallops U.S. Northeast. "I don't know what we have done to deserve this", states NYC Mayor Bloomberg. "But I apologize."
Celebrity Tweet: Victoria Beckham (1)
Dave introduced me to owner of Chelsea last night. Think his name was Roman Numerals, kept giving me a V sign. Think he wants us to have 5 kids
Chinese decide on new name for take-away
Chinese officials are to replace the words "Chinese Take Away" in China with "Take-Away". On the menu this week to "Take Away" are Google, Facebook, MySpace, VW, CNN, The Spoof, Ford, KKR.
French laugh at Chinese stealing industrial secrets
French secret service revealed today that the Chinese had stolen plans from Renault cars for the design of the first engine to run on Camembert cheese
Confusion at Soccer Ballon D'Or awards
At the Golden Boot awards in Geneva last night, Sepp Blatter, FIFA dictator announced the winner was Mr Messy. Roger Hargreaves author of Mr Men series was not present to collect the award
Tony Bennett and Amy Winehouse to record a Duet
Talks are under way for Bennett & Winehouse to record an album together, titled, "I Wanna Be Around to Pick Up the Pieces"
Man Invents New Vinyl Siding!
The new siding is made from diamonds. The inventor says it will last "double forever" - whatever that means.
Tickle Me Elmo Shocker!
He's not really ticklish but says he likes it when kids "touch me."
New Awards Show!
The new show will honor the best of award shows.
Princess Anne Tweet
V. pissed off Mummy says I can't wear trousers to Zara's wedding.
California Bans Incandescent Light Bulbs
The Plastic Surgeon lobby pushed the California legislature into banning incandescent bulbs, citing job creation. CFLs radiate Geshrunken Rays, requiring women to undergo boob jobs every three years!
President Obama Moves towards the Center
President Obama has issued an executive order allowing his and the administrations executive agency cabinet secretary's limonene drivers to use their right turn signals!
Arab League Summit to be Moved
Insurgent threats, a lack of Baghdad hotel space & security considerations posed stiff challenges to Iraq's plans to host the annual Arab League meeting. The meeting is being moved to Tel Aviv Israel!
Noise in the System
In the 21st Century, telecommunications is instantaneous. However, as previous with drums, smoke signals, the telegraph and radio/TV "garbage in, still equal's garbage out!"
Banned by Liberals
The "only our speech is free" advocates of the loony far left again have their underwear in a knot. They want words or political speech these loons find offensive or don't agree with banned!
Speech That Incites
Crazy Environmentalists blame global warming for snow storms, acne and hemorrhoids. This speech incites people to uncontrollably throw up or roll on the floor hysterically with pangs of laughter!
Whatever Happened to Prudent Precautions?
A criminal background check is required to buy a hand gun, but no mental health check. Privacy concerns are cited in the latter case, but it's OK for liberals to advocate banning all hand guns!
Notice the new Democratic liberal left rhetoric (BULLSHIT) namely bipartisanism, cut spending and look out for the American taxpayers! Where you guys been for the last two years and $3 trillion ago?
A Fairy Tale
"Mary had a little lamb," but animal rights activists have lodged a complaint with the USDA that Mary was eating un-inspected lamb!
Some Democratic lawmakers want certain symbols banned from political discourse, which may incite people. Let's start with the jackasses in the Democratic Party!
Nuts Begat Nuts
President Obama signs a waiver allowing high strength DDT to be used on the Westboro Baptist Church members, if they try to picket the funeral of the nine year old girl killed in Arizona!
Remind You of Someone
VP Biden assured Afghanistan's President Karzai the USA will not abandon the country after 2014. The VP also indicated he will have plenty of spare time in 2013 to come himself and build houses!
The N word has been removed from a new addition of Huckleberry Finn (Mark Twain). Is classic Shakespeare next to be abridged? What about all those bare boobs in classic museum paintings?
Have you or a loved one sky-dived using Acme Co. parachutes? You may be entitled to compensation if the parachute didn't open and you smashed into a concrete parking lot. Call 1-800-IGO-SPLAT now!
Far Left Wing Nuts Political Agenda
FLWN: Ft. Hood shootings were the work of a lone Muslim gunman not associated with any Islamic terrorists! SAME FLWN: Arizona shootings Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh and the Tea Party are responsible!
After MSNBC Matthews Cites Radio Stars Mark Levin, Michael Savage As Reason For AZ Shooting, Texan Kinky Friedman asks: "Can't we all get along, Little Doggy?"
"You're Great, but You Can't Sing"
Less nasty, more nice in revamped 'AMERICAN IDOL' after MNBC Matthews remarks.
MSNBC Matthews Cites Radio Stars as Cause of Shootings
MSNBC Matthews Cites Radio Stars Mark Levin, Michael Savage As Reason For AZ Shooting as political points being made while they're hot.
SILENCE: RI Gov. bans state employees from speaking on talk radio. Is TheSpoof next?
Clinton:Need to Keep Yaps Shut!
BILL CLINTON: "'We need to be careful about things we say..like, 'I did not have sex with that woman' cost Al Gore the Presidency."
RI Governor A Dictator?
SILENCE: RI Gov. bans state employees from speaking on talk radio. Even after Constitution rad only days ago, Freedom of Speech going out the window?
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