Spoof news snippets from Monday 10 January 2011
The Honest-To-Goodness Truth About Nero And His Fiddle (?)
New found evidence proves that Nero did not actually fiddle while Rome burned. Nero did not own a fiddle, he owned a snare drum, so to be more accurate Nero drummed while Rome burned.
Ignacy Paderewski Knew A Lot of Cha Cha Cha Songs
Rolling Stone Magazine has revealed that noted pianist Ignacy Paderewski was not really from Poland but was actually born and raised in Guatemala.
The Song "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" Was Almost Recorded By Led Zeppelin
Eva Peron who became famous in the song "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" actually did not cry. She said that it was allergies.
The Truth About Pancho "Olé! Olé! Olé!" Villa
The Mexican revolutionary bandit Pancho Villa reportedly had a strange fetish and liked to dress up as a matador, complete with cape, skintight pants, and pantyhose.
The French Sure Do Love Their Australian Food
France's French Food Federation has just announced that France's most popular foreign food is Fried Kangaroo Hot Pockets.
Shakira Has The Fastest Hips In The World
Shakira recently demonstrated on The David Letterman Show that she can break a two by four with her hips.
The Undisputed "Queen of Mean" May Be Getting Her Own Reality Show
Naomi Campbell who is known as The Queen of Mean has been approached about getting her own dancing reality show to be called Okay Lissen Up - So Who All Wants Da Dance Wiff Da Bitch Huh?
The Interesting Names Dolly Parton Has Chosen For Her Knockers
Dolly Parton a hardcore, card-carrying Democrat confided to Barbara Walters that she has named both of her breasts. She said her right boob is named Limbaugh and her left boob is named O'Reilly.
OctoMom Is Planning On Moving Up North To Alaska
After seeing the success of Sarah Palin's Frozen Alaska reality show, Nadya Suleman, aka OctoMom says she wants to move to Alaska and get her own reality show, OctoMom's Frozen Embryos.
The Actress Formerly Known As Pamela Anderson
Pamela Anderson, whose ego has taken a beating as of late, wants everyone to know that she is still around and available for movies, TV shows, orgies, and videos.
Giant Cockroach on the loose!
A giant Cockroach has eaten The Savoy resturant.
Police say the roach must have been living under the cooker for some time. "They dont grow this big overnight you know", Said Chef, Gordon Zola.
Tian Tian, Chinese panda bear moves to Scotland!
Tian Tian, a Chinese panda bear gets hot and horny every time she sees a man in a kilt and hears bagpipe music. It's not the music though, she just wants a glimpse under the kilt?
Gold Not the Answer?
Gold is a bubble - resist its charms! How you going to spend a $20 gold piece for groceries? Ask for $1590 in back after purchase? You can't eat gold.
No More Room
Mexico has huge obesity problem as two illegal immigrants found on 18-wheeler trailer.
Rough Storm Hits South
Ice follows on heels of snow in the Southeast...the ass, heels in the air, on the sidewalks.
Still Talks to Ms. Lillian at Night
Former Prez Carter writes for CNN from Juba on what steps need to be taken in the wake of the Sudan referendum, including actions by the leaders of north and south & whether Mr. Peanut will show up.
Meanwhile, Back at Home:
Neighborhood lady going on and on and on about George's paycheck, the twins and the wart on her ass may have to be removed again.
Massive Clean-Up Begins
County sheriff in Arkansas says that the large explosion near Little Rock was not the work of Osama Bin Laden but was caused by attempted cremation of dead meth addict.
Joy of Teen Sex?
Fury as Channel 4 teaches youngsters Kama Sutra positions in graphic 'Joy Of Teen Sex'. Channel points out all the teen marriages especially in southern US.
Community Has One Worker
Britain's most workshy estate: The community where this man is the only person has a job...the postal worker who brings everyone their checks.
Upper Shambutu Has Been Directed To Change Their Manner of Counting Votes
The Global Political Movement League has issued a directive that the country of Upper Shambutu's practice of counting votes using Etch-A-Sketches has got to stop and stop immediately.
So Did Donald Trump Insult Joan Rivers Or Not?
Donald Trump has denied that he said that Joan Rivers looked like a space alien. He says that what he did say was that Joan Rivers looked like a space heater with ears.
Where Oh Where Is Jerry Seinfeld?
IN THE WHERE ARE THEY NOW DEPARTMENT?: Jerry Seinfeld is currently employed as a birthday bagel maker in a bagels-to-go shop in Brooklyn.
Why Donny Osmond Passed On Clay Aiken
Donny Osmond has passed on starring in the film How I Plucked Myself To The Top - The Clay Aiken Story.
He admitted that there's just no way that he could hit those ridiculously high gay notes.
Wow Gals! You All Better Stay Away From Rhinoceros Burgers!
The World Citizen's Health Organization has stated that females eating uncooked rhinoceros burgers will diminish their desire to have sex by as much as three times a month.
One Slightly Used American State For Sale
The state of Arizona is extremely upset that President Obama is seriously considering selling Arizona to Mexico.
The Reason Lady Gaga Will Not Be Performing In California's Napa Valley
Lady Gaga has postponed her concert performance in California's Napa Valley until the threat of the dreaded Grapevine Flu passes.
The African Country of Loombeezi and Their Amazing Souvenirs
Souvenir Louisiana Tar Balls have become the biggest selling import in the African country of Loombeezi. An import dealer thinks that it's probably because the tar balls smell like zebras.
Monica "The Cigar Cutey" Lewinsky Is Trying To Make A 'Comeback'
Monica Lewinsky has reportedly said that what is in the past is in the past. She went on her Facebook account and asked for Bill Clinton to be her "Friend."
Michelle Obama Addresses A "Piercing" Question
Michelle Obama has denied that she got her belly button pierced. The "First Mama" did reply that if she did however, it would be nobodies effen business but her man Barry's.
Attorney Jokes Prohibited?
Dem planning bill that would outlaw 'threatening' lawmakers. House say they will kill it.
Bullitt Director Dead
'Bullitt' director Peter Yates dies at 81 after really long car chase.
Ruling on Nudity on TV
Court ruling opens the door to more nudity on TV...could even allow it on computers.
Strange object discovered during Jedward's operation
Doctors trying to rejoin Jedward twins in worlds first re-conjoint operation discovered 3 tongues during surgery. DNA testing revealed the one found in one twins rectum was that of Louis Walsh
President's Former Speech Recalled
Dems plan bill to outlaw 'threatening' language that could be perceived as inciting violence.' Former Obama speech: 'If they bring a knife to the fight, we bring a gun'. Does that include video games?
UK Gold reserves sold
George Osbourne, Chancellor of the Exchequer revealed that last Friday he sent all the nation's gold reserves to WeBuyYourGold.com in order to pay down the deficit. The cheque is due in 30 days
Hallmark and FIFA sign new sponsorship deal
FIFA dictator Sepp Bladder signed a 4 Year deal with Hallmark Cards Inc to sponsor referee's red and yellow cards. "They made me an offer I couldn't refuse" he said on his 75ft yacht "Gravy-train IV"
Snow, Freezing Rain Slams into the South. Baltimore Ravens slam into Kansas City Chiefs.
Trial of British climate protesters collapses due to tremendous amount of snow on the roof!
Permanent Peace in Spain?
Basque militants call permanent Spain cease-fire. Fire off a few rounds in celebration.
Clinton Slams Israel
Clinton Slams Israel over Jerusalem settlement as bleeding hemorrhoids appear outside pantsuit.
NY City Council to grill Bloomberg over blizzard response...expect chilly replies.
Rodgers, Packers Defeat Eagles
Rodgers leads Packers over, Eagles 21-16, by constantly dogging Vick!
Carnival Kick Off!
New Orleans kicks off Carnival, football team all the way down Bourbon street.
Amusement Park Shake-Up?
Amusement park chain investor seeks board, big roller coaster shake-up!
Jackson Doc Still on Dock
Prelim hearing for Jackson doc enters second week. Should be over in a couple more weeks, then six-month trial could begin, according to judge.
Big Crowd, Mostly Men
Tablets crowd Las Vegas gadget show, chasing iPad's. iPad's model's tail.
Iceland Upset Over US WikiLeaks
Iceland summons US envoy over WikiLeaks probe over VP Joe Biden going around singing and whistling Jimmy Buffet's "Where You Gonna Go When The Volcano Blows?"
Hot in Vegas
What was hot at this year's Vegas gadget show? Scantily clad models showing them off.
Overfishing Over II
Has overfishing ended? Top US scientist says yes. However, Britain warns of chips shortage.
Has overfishing ended? Top US scientist says yes. "Eat them while you can!", says scientist.
US Consumer Safety Office in China
US sets up consumer product safety office in China. Employees complain that there is lead in desks, chairs, tables.
Rolls-Royce Sales Up
Rolls-Royce car sales up 170 percent in 2010...from four to six hundred and eighty vehicles.
Clinton Urges Tolerance
Clinton urges more tolerance, less extremism, especially among complete idiots that disagree with us.
Deep South Not Use to Snow
Winter weather slams South with snow, icy roads as quarter inch snow brings Florida to a halt.
United States, China defense chiefs mend frayed military ties, knots.
Happens Every Winter
Winter weather slams South with snow, icy roads as thousands in Arkansas rescued from having tongues stuck to metal posts.
SKorea, Japan Upgrade Ties
South Korea, Japan upgrade ties, belts, suspenders, other accessories in face of North Korea threat.
German to Tighten Controls
Germany may tighten controls after dioxin affair after the barn door has been left open and the horses have escaped.
Music Lovers Have the Funk
Study: Love music? Thank a substance in your brain called "the funk!"
Do't Space Babies Close
Study: Spacing babies close may raise autism risk. Recommends that one & three-year-olds be kept apart most of the time.
Killer Seeks Lawyer
Ariz. rampage suspect may seek Unabomber lawyer. "I'm nuts and everybody knows it."
Cameron's depression diagnosed
Doctors today explained why David has been depressed.
It was because the country has no car making companies, or deep coal pits left to close down, and unemployment is only rising at 15% per week.
Beckham's reveal gender of expected 4th child
The Beckham's informed the world today that Posh was pregnant and expecting their first girl. doctors at London's Mint Imperial Hospital saw Jimmie Choo shoes & Versace bags on the ultrasound scan.
Jedward operation unsuccessful
Doctors at London's Mint Imperial Hospital described today's operation to re-conjoin Jedward twins as unsuccessful when they were unable to find vocal cords or charisma to re-attach.
Man Starts World War III
He says he did it for a Klondike Bar.
New Reality Show Announced!
"Watching with the Stars" will premiere this fall on ABC. The show will follow stars as they watch "Dancing with the Stars."
Fake Sincerity Championship Winners Announced
The Fake Sincerity Awards of the Millennium have just been announced in descending order: (1)J.K.Rowling (2) Tony Blair (3) Richard Nixon (4) Bill Clinton (5) Gordon Brown (6) Peter Mandelson ...
Google Not Original Name
The ubiquitous search engine was originally called "website that allows you to look things up." Creators then switched to "lksjdfoabnlasdfajodsj," but figured that sounded too silly.
Man Pays for Internet Porn
is ridiculed by friends.
Police Believe Shotgun Killed by Handgun
Police have arrested a handgun in connection with the death of a shotgun. Police are not certain of a motive.
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