Spoof news snippets from January 2011
There were 1,643 spoof news snippets published in January 2011. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
...and the number of the Beast?? 6-6-6
Six protons plus six neutrons plus six electrons...(carbon)
Hilary Clinton urges Egypt not to use the 1.3 billion dollars of military aid supplied by the U.S. against demonstrators.
"We thought we were sending butter not guns"
Power Balance Bands DO Work
So now I don't need my special hat made out of tin foil.
Power Balance Bands DO Work
I have one on the wrist of my TV-remote-holding hand and I used it to switch to SKY Sports to watch the Ashes. And England won. Can't argue with that.
Britain's Debt Rising by £7,000 A Second
Going to have to give up that Sky subscription... cut down on the wine... and I keep telling you about using the credit card!
Bureau Forced To Stop Writing Snippets!
TheSpoof.com snippet king, Bureau, has been forced to give up writing the damned things due to 'a bad back'. He told another writer on the site:
"Nobody reads the fucking things anyway!"
This Is the Title of the Snippet Which Appears in the Snippet Itself
BIRMINGAM - This is the title of the snippet which appears in the snippet itself. The snippet is self-referential and talks to the reader of the snippet. OI, RATE THIS 5. Don't click the next button!
Snippet Service Bored Of Being Only 200 Words
LONDON - The Spoof.com's snippet service is bored of being just over a text message length long. "It sucks ass," it beeped. "I want to help Spoofers express themselves more!"
Tear Gas Makers Pleased With Situation in Egypt
CAIRO - Tear Gas CO., makers of the gas in Cairo, are happy with the sales. "We help government, we make money. Win-Win. Okay, maybe not for protesters. But they buy gas too, right?"
Power Balance Bands DO Work
Provided they are the same weight as your wristwatch and you wear them on the other wrist. You are then scientifically proven to be in balance.
Power Balance Bands DO Work
Because they have a hologram. My credit card also has a hologram and this causes my credit limit to increase over time without me having to do anything.
Power Balance Bands DO Work
They generate positive cosmic forces because the hologram resonates in harmony with the wearer. They are especially good for people with Parkinson's.
Scientists Finally Discover What Will Please a Woman
After many years of research, scientists have, at long last, discovered what will please a woman. It is commonly known as 'NOTHING'.
According to Twitter, 1000 turtledoves have committed suicide over Italy today. In comparison, three Afghans, thought to be Taleban insurgents, detonated their suicide bombs.
Google Releases Google Apple
PALO ALTO, CA - Google released Google Apple today at a press conference. The Google Apple will do Apple-y things for nearly 75% of the price and development time. Experts say 'certified success'.
Escaped Pigs On The Loose In Southampton
Last seen on M27, with sign reading: "Get us out of here PLEASE! Take us to Pompey!"
Power Balance Bands DO Work
The special rubber used in their manufacture gradually releases small amounts of placebo through the skin and into the bloodstream.
Man Eats Out for First Time in 15 Years, Gets Upset that Fries Are Not French Anymore
A man, eating out for the first time in 15 years at a Wendy's, demanded French fries, which are fries that fall down and surrender when they you stood up in their holders, not to stay standing.
RAF Tornado Crashes in to Sea
An RAF Tornado crashed into the sea off the coast of Scotland today, leaving the other 2 to defend the British Isles.
Page Won't Load to Users Annoyance
COVENTRY - Man, John Hinks, was trying to load page thespoof.com when the page crashed, forcing Firefox to display error. After repeated pressing of Refresh, page still wont load. Has now smashed PC.
Bad Headline Number 76
Seamen Found on Bouy
Google May Soon Be A Thing Of The Past
Google has announced that it plans to change its name to the much more appropriate and politically correct Giggle.
Sarah Palin Clears Things Up on Sean Hannity
Sean Hannity asked Palin to explain once again her intention with the now infamous map. She replied, "Well, Sean, my mistake was clear. I realize I shoulda used bulls eyes instead of cross hairs.
Shakira Has The Fastest Hips In The World
Shakira recently demonstrated on The David Letterman Show that she can break a two by four with her hips.
The Sarah Palin Vs. Nancy Pelosi Asian Feud Continues
Nancy Pelosi reportedly wrote the government of South Korea and told them to let Sarah Palin have North Korea because they (South Korea) have her.
Osama Bin Laden Is Well And Shopping In Karachi
Osama Bin Laden has reportedly been spotted at a Best Buy Electronics Shop in Karachi, Pakistan, purchasing some batteries for his video recorder.
Chickens Genetically Modified to Keep Away Bird Flu
Scientists have genetically modified chickens so that they will not pass on Bird Flew. It's not known how long it would take for the virus to modify itself to become dangerous again.
Bad Headline number 77
Eligible Pet Owners Can Get Free Neutering,
Former Olympian, Linford Christie, has refused to buy any "fast" food from McDonald's when news broke that someone wearing a tracksuit would not be served by the fast food manufacturers.
Sarah Palin in Hot Water over Comments Again
Sarah Palin, wanting to be sure her followers knew that she was still considering a run for the Presidency, tweeted this over the weekend: "Still have my sights aimed at Presidency."
Joan Rivers Puts An End To The "Bank" Rumor
Joan Rivers has denied the rumor that her 97-year-old uterus is the size of a bank safety deposit box.
"Hey Mom, My Potatoes Taste Kinda Funny."
Idaho once again facing a potato shortage has decided to start importing them in from Ireland.
The Woman Who Can Eat 70 Buffalo Wings In One Sitting
Kirstie Alley was shocked to find out that chocolate covered buffalo wings are not a member of one of the four basic food groups.
The Shoshoni Indians Were Damn Good Teepee Builders
The Shoshoni Indians of the 1870s were believed to be the first Indian tribe to make teepee's out of stucco instead of out of buffalo hides.
Kirstie Alley Has Revealed All Of Her Cooking Secrets
Kirstie Alley who tips the scales at 409 pounds has just written a cookbook entitled, "Cooking With Ingredients."
Man with rubber girlfriends takes flight
Man with rubber girlfriends accidentally pumped one up with helium and was last seen holding onto her ankles flying over rooftops in Aberdeen, Scotland.
The Most Unusual ATM Machine In America
An ATM machine in Boise, Idaho malfunctioned and accidentally started dispensing French fries instead of money.
The Farmer Has No Idea What The "Baby" Is Called
A dairy farmer in Wisconsin accidentally crossed a milk cow with an egg laying hen. He has no earthly idea what it is, but he did say that it gives damn good egg nog.
Sheen's Rehab and The Two and a Half Men Fallout.
While Charlie Sheen is in rehab, 2.5 Men will be on hiatus, and it could cost WB $250 million. Also, Angus T. Jones will be 6'7", 285 lbs. by the time Sheen is released.
You Cannot Get the Staff!
Mr Ronald MacDonald could not get any service from one his own shops because the manager thought that he was wearing a tracksuit.
Redwing Blackbird Air Disaster :
Why was there no black bird-box on the flight ? Or was it
removed by sinister 'first responders' sent to Arkansas crash site? Next series of 'Mayday' to include episode on Beebe air disaster!
Cocaine Prices Expected To Drop As Charlie Sheen Enters Rehab.
Now that Charlie Sheen is in rehab, experts expect that the glut of the drug on the market will cut the price of cocaine at the retail level by 15-40%.
When Sarah "Crosshairs" Palin Finds Out Who Is Moving To Wasilla, Alaska She Is Going To You-Know-What
The Taliban has decided to open up a branch office in Wasilla, Alaska.
The Word Number Two By Any Other Name Smells Just As Bad!
Many people believe that the word 'two' came from the French word deux. But truth be told it actually came from the buffalo droppings that the buffalo hunters called number 2.
The Actress Formerly Known As Pamela Anderson
Pamela Anderson, whose ego has taken a beating as of late, wants everyone to know that she is still around and available for movies, TV shows, orgies, and videos.
The Interesting Names Dolly Parton Has Chosen For Her Knockers
Dolly Parton a hardcore, card-carrying Democrat confided to Barbara Walters that she has named both of her breasts. She said her right boob is named Limbaugh and her left boob is named O'Reilly.
The Absolute Truth About That Infamous Yankee Doodle Song
The song lyrics 'Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony, stuck a feather in his hat and called it macaroni' are false. What Yankee Doodle actually called it was, vermicelli.
The Netherlands Cigar Shortage Has Hit An Alarming Low
Due to the country's extreme cigar shortage, the Netherlands is planning on invading Cuba in late March.
The African Marathon Is Going To Be The Mother of All Marathons
The biggest marathon in the world will be held in untamed Lower Zamgola. Marathon organizers are expecting 7 million runners who are urged to please bring their own water, food, and spears.
Who "Wood" Have Thought That The Woodpeckers "Wood" Have Done What They Did?
The town of Boise, Idaho has reported that a flock of crazed hoodlum woodpeckers have completely destroyed the wooden statue honoring the Idaho Woodpecker.
Gorilla walks upright - what does this mean?
Gorilla walks upright. What does this mean? It means that he is sick and tired of the bloody 'knuckle dragging' jokes and wants to be respected. Hells's bells, Darwin was right. I never doubted him.
Liechtenstein Is At The Point Where It's Already Standing Room Only
The tiny European country of Liechtenstein is so small that it has outlawed the use of Viagra.
The Country Formerly Known As Upper Shabutu?
The United Nations is sending a group of munitions inspectors to the little African country of Upper Shabutu because of rumors that it has developed an Atomic Bomb.
Seems Darwin was right
Seems Darwin was right after all. Did anyone ever doubt him? 'Gorilla walks upright in English zoo." Why the hell NOT? How many of US walk on all fours when we are inebriated? Come on-don't be shy.
So farewell Pete Postlethwaite:
Saw you on stage with the RSC. Brilliant.
The Reason The KKK Is Closing Its Lower Zamgola, Africa Office
The Ku Klux Klan has announced they'll be closing their office in the African country of Lower Zamgola. It seems that they got tired of having wayward spears come whizzing through the front window.
Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith's Musical Baby
Will Smith and his wife Jada Pinkett-Smith have decided to give their next baby the melodious name Vuvuzela Marimba Smith
Sarah "Snowflake" Palin Picks Up Yet Another Honor
Sarah Palin has just been named by North Korea as "The Most Popular Non-Korean In North Korea."
Calling For Restraint
Clinton calls for calm, restraint in Egypt...Sudan...PLO/Israel...Tunisa!
Susan Boyle loves pussy
Susan Boyle does indeed admit to 'loving pussy'. Now, before you dirty sods take this the wrong way....she does of course mean 'cats' (I think!)
Man survives l 000 ft. plunge from Scottish mountain
Turns out to be a Spoof writer with a thick skull and he wishes to remain anonymous for now. See related story now - or soon to be published. Worth 5 of anyone's thumbs.
Salad Croutons Can Be A Bitch
The woman with the world's smallest waist had to be taken to the hospital when she accidentally swallowed a salad crouton.
Poll Results in on Giffords Shooting
93% of Americans glad they aren't Sarah Palin
97% of Americans glad they aren't Glenn Beck
3-7% were undecided.
There Is A Very Good Reason Why President Obama Is Not Going To Brazil
President Obama has announced that he is cancelling his scheduled trip to Brazil due to the outbreak of the dreaded Brazil Nut Fever.
So Farewell, Susannah York.
Superman's mum. Gorgeous.
Tom Delay Sentenced to Three Years in Federal Prison
With time off for good behavior, he may just be out in time to influence the 2012 elections.
WalMart's Make-Up For Eight-Year-Olds
WAL-MART offers makeup, anti-aging products for 8-year-olds.If it's made in China, they may not age at all.
Female Spoof Writer observation
Spoof Writer keeps writing stupid snippets about woman putting knickers on backwards and the like....
Female Spoof writers observes above and asks to NOT be called 'Lady Vagina' by Penises.
Joan "The Moan" Rivers Is One To Be Talking About Effen Plastic
Joan Rivers says that Heidi Montag has so much plastic in her body that a ship cruise line could use her as a lifeboat.
Ant eater sues racist Zoo Keeper!
"All I said was, why the long face?" Claims Keeper.
Damn - The Sun Is Sure One Hot SOB!
The temperature of the hottest spot on the sun is 28,080,000 degrees F, or hot enough to reduce Heidi Montag to about three Dixie cups of plastic.
Uncle Ben Is The Male Version of Aunt Jemima
Television's Judge Judy who made a very racist remark about "Uncle Tom" has made amends by donating $10,000 to The Aunt Jemima Pancake House For Unwed Ho's.
You'll Never Guess What The Two Carolina's (North and South) Are Fixing To Do
North Carolina and South Carolina are thinking about changing their state name to the more American sounding North Caroline and South Caroline. Singer Neil Diamond has given the idea his blessing.
Vermont's Maple Syrup Shortage Is Getting Downright Ugly
The state of Vermont has announced that due to the maple syrup shortage farmers are having to dump over 200,000 pancakes into the Walloonmsac River.
It Looks Like Little Piper Palin Might Not Be A Chip Off The Old Bitch, I Mean Block
Piper Palin reportedly told her teacher that she is depressed because she is already nine-years-old and she has yet to shoot her first moose, elk, caribou, or reindeer.
The Brand New Arkansas "Kissing" Law
The state of Arkansas has finally passed a law that strictly prohibits binge cousin kissing.
Wikileaks Has Some Very Interesting Info On The KKK
Wikileaks documents reveal that the Ku Klux Klan has two undercover members that live in Harlem. Yes it is very, very confusing to say the least.
It Looks Like 'Don't Ask - Don't Tell' Was Even Around During The Time of The Civil War
Just before the American Civil War, the Confederacy's uniforms were going to be pink instead of gray, but General Lee vetoed the idea saying that pink uniforms would be hard to keep clean.
You Will Not Believe What Madonna Asked Her Gynecologist
Madonna reportedly talked to her gynecologist about having her tooth gap botoxed. He laughed at her and told her to get her silly old has-been ass out of his office cause he had real patients to see.
Daily Mail IS A SPOOF
I was going to Spoof a Daily Mail story just now, but after reading some of the stories I realized all I'd have to do is cut and paste. I know that's not allowed. So I didn't.
Elton John is breastfeading baby
Yes, Elton wanted to breastfeed so he had a special bra made with rubber boobs fitted inside in which he places the warm milk. Apparently, he finds it's making him feel more 'maternal'.
Cackle, Cackle, Cluck, Cluck
Doctors in Tokyo are reporting that they transplanted the heart of a chicken into a 97-year-old woman. They say that she is doing great and that in the first week alone she laid three dozen eggs.
Gordon Ramsay hires The Big Hairy Bikers
Since being scared shitless in Costa Rica, Gordon Ramsay has hired The Big Hairy Bikers to double as sou chefs and bodyguards whenever he is travelling. They told him - "No F word - or they'll 'walk'"
President Obama Is Considering Fidel Castro's Latest Arizona Offer
Cuba's Fidel Castro tells President Obama he'll buy Arizona for $1.2 million and he'll throw in a box of Cuban cigars, a case of Cuban rum, and a 17-year-old pitcher who can throw the ball 104 mph.
Captain Schatz on the Gorch Fock! Crew mutiny of German Navy Ship.
Captain Schatz on the Gorch Fock! Wouldn't YOU mutiny if YOUR Captain SCHATZ on the Gorch Fock! Too bleeding true you would. Slippin' an' slidin' in that stuff is no joke.
The Winners of The Biggest Thighs In America Have Just Been Announced
Venus and Serena Williams have tied for the title of "The Biggest Thighs in America." Kirstie Alley, Carrie Fisher, Wynonna Judd, and Oprah Winfrey, all heave a collective sigh of relief.
GOP Princess Ann Coulter Gets Hit With A Pie In Her Pie Hole
Ann "Trigger Face" Coulter was hit with a lemon meringue pie as she spoke at Gatorade College in Ocala, Florida. The Republican maven remarked, "Damn at least it could have been made out of oats."
Chicago By Any Other Name Smells Just As Oniony?
The name Chicago was not taken from the wild onions that grew wild there. The name derived from the little cubs that used to hang around bothering the settlers. The cubs were known as Chicago Cubs.
Katie Price: The Full Marriage Split Statement Revealed
Alex and I have had a number of difficulties over the past few months. I accept that these were in part caused by my marrying too quickly - we all...
Ah fuck it, who really gives a shit?
Live With Regis and Kelly Still Has A Nice Ring To It
Kelly Ripa threatens to quit Live With Regis and Kelly unless the name is changed to Live With Kelly and Regis. The producer tells her, "Okay, don't let the door hit you on your way out bitch."
Jon Stewart Because Everyone Knows That The "H" Is Silent
Jon Stewart of The Daily Show has disclosed that since everyone misspells his first name he is going to go ahead and add the missing letter "H." So Stewart's first name will now be spelled Hjon.
The Whores' Whisperer
New reality show. First episode of "Whores' Whisperer" to air Feb.14th. Whisperer is named as Dr. Phil McGraw. He has been doing this for 30 years. What he whispers in whores' ears to be revealed.
Did You Hear About Belgium?
Brussel Sprouts Epidemic hits Belgium. All of its inhabitants are told to evacuate to France, Germany, or the Netherlands.
So Farewell, Gerry Rafferty
The Night Owl of Baker Street, you're no longer stuck in the middle with us. That sax solo and guitar break were the soundtrack of my '78.
Oh dear - there are far too many "So Farewells," lately!
Sarah "Crosshairs" Palin Is Now Starting To Blame "El Nino"
Weather experts have stated that the weather phenomenon known as "El Nino" may be responsible for the extreme radical behavior of some Arizona Tea Bag Party members.
Wikileaks Documents Show That Johnny Appleseed Spent A Lot of Time In Los Angeles and San Francisco
Wikileaks has documents showing that Johnny Appleseed was twice caught in the possession of sinsemilla seeds.
Man wins car with unusual 'proposal'
Car competition (TRUE) What would YOU do to win the car?...WINNER ...MAN WHO OFFERED TO - AND HAD - HIS WILLY TATOOD AT THE RADIO STATION WITH THE NAME OF THE CAR. THANK GOD IT WAS JUST A 'MINI'.
John McCain Apologizes to Republicans for Giving Props to Obama
John McCain claims "like many Americans, I got caught up in the moment when I wrote that op-ed in the Washington Post." He told fellow Republicans, "Believe me, it will never happen again."
Famous Groundhog Sees Shadow on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day
Predicts no foreseeable end to racism in America.
Taco Bell! Where's The Beef?
Lawsuit contends that Taco Bell shouldn't market the taco meat filling as beef because their testing shows that it only contains 36 percent ground beef. Wonder what the 64% contains?
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!