Spoof news snippets from Friday 4 February 2011
Giffords' Astronaut Husband Decides to fly Shuttle
Wounded Rep.Gabrielle Giffords, wife of astronaut Mark Kelly, told hospital staff, "I need him around like I need a hole in the head."
Man Tickles Himself To Death
Sad news from Brazil where doctors have been left mystified after a young student,Jose Chosenone Mourinho tickled himself to death.
1 in 20 Brits Have Been Caught in a Scam
It is reported that 1 in 20 Brits have been caught in a scam. This means that the other 19 have been devising them -such is the UK population which now has 19 out of 20 immigrants.
Psychic Wins Lottery
Police were called today to a house in Chiswick after a tip-off that the owner,a recent lottery winner is a professional Psychic.
Dave Petulengro wasn't worried and said ' I knew you were coming.'
Sally Sheet Bercow
M.P.'s jealous of the Speaker's wife are putting down Questions in the House which will ask him:
On a point of order, Mr Speaker, can this honorable member request a meeting with your wife?
Weight Loss Woman Disappears
There was a warning for anyone attempting drastic weight loss today after Beryl Snatch,46,from Hull vanished from her home. Husband Ken said 'I told her she was overdoing it,and now she's gone.'
Eygptian President Urges Protesters to Stay Healthy
Milie Cyrus gets her fifth tattoo
The letter 'E' has been tattooed on her arm after spending a considerable amount of time learning the first four letters of the alphabet.
Sally Bercow tells BBC she is embarrassed about bed sheet picture
However she said the dildo up the arse pic is in the best possible taste.
Chef Bakes Humble Pie
When two friends fell out,one of them,chef Mike Rowave baked a Humble Pie for his friend to eat and say sorry.Sulky mate Steve said 'I've eaten humble pie and it was bloody lovely!'
Environment-conscious Dating Site for men launches new scheme
'A Bag for Life'.
No end to English National Opera cast strike
Obese soprano steadfastly refuses to perform.
Producers of Two and a Half Men contemplating name change
Proposed titles have been narrowed down to:
* Two and a Half Stints in Rehab
* Two and a Half Strikes
* One and a Half Men
Announcement to be made soon...
It's not often you can witness a well known catchphrase but this morning on my garden I watched a worm that turned.Full circle if you don't mind, and went the other way.
Man Finds Leg In Pot Noodle
Imagine being one of the first people to taste Pot Noodle's new 'Spicy Tandoori' flavour snack and finding a false leg inside!
Noel Fielding ,57,from Dewsbury added 'They said it had a kick to it!'
The New Perfume Fragrance From Joan "The Moan" Rivers
Joan Rivers has just come out with her own perfume line. It's called...Eau Du Old As The Hills.
You Won't Believe What Rich Oprah Winfrey Wants To Buy
Oprah Winfrey is so rich she is thinking about buying Wikileaks, New Hampshire, and the Gulf of Mexico.
So Where Oh Where Does Brett Favre Go From Here?
NFL quarterback Brett Favre plagued by all kinds of sexual charges of an inappropriate nature has asked to be placed in the Witness Protection Program.
Sarah Palin Says, "Just Say No To Geography Questions"
Sarah Palin has said she will no longer answer any questions dealing with geography because her answers make her sound stupid and she does not want the American people to think that she's stupid.
NASCAR Has Decided To Shut Down Its Race Track In Zimbabwe
NASCAR is reporting that they will be closing down their racetrack in Zimbabwe. A spokesperson said the drivers just got tired of constantly running over zebras, gazelles, and hippos.
Joan Rivers: Like Owner - Like Dog
Reports are that Joan Rivers has gotten so carried away with botoxing that she has even had her pet cocker spaniel's lips botoxed.
The KKK May Be Moving Farther South
The Ku Klux Klan aka KKK is thinking about merging with the Green Guacamole Drug Cartel of Yucatan, Mexico. The new name would be the KKKartel.
The Adventures of The Dreaded Vuvuzela
South Africa has just made the vuvuzela the country's official musical instrument replacing the tom tom.
WARNING: LeAnn Rimes The Husband Stealer Is On The Prowl
Country singer LeAnn Rimes known as the 'Redneck Home Wrecker' is thinking about stealing Chelsea Clinton's estranged husband next.
The Reason Why Dancing With The Stars Said "No" To Glenn Beck
Glenn Beck wanted to appear on Dancing With The Stars but producers vetoed the idea saying that with all of the tears he cries he or his dance partner could easily slip and get hurt.
Marvin K. Mubarak Will You Please Go Now!
Egyptians take their inspiration from Dr. Seuss and chant: "The time has come. The time is now. Just go. Go. GO! We don't care how."
We're in Compliance
President Obama mandates a reduction in the size of the federal government's workforce. All federal agencies agree to hire people who are five feet tall or less!
New smaller sized EPA field inspectors to chase after bedbugs employing non-polluting, good for the environment fly-swatters!
Whatever Floats Your Boat
VP Al Gore blames Egyptian protests in Cairo for climate change. Oops, Former VP Al Gore blames Egyptian protests in Cairo on climate change!
California Works out its Deficit Problem
Man arrested in California for throwing aluminum cans in the recycle bin for plastics, fined $1 million!
President Obama complains about his back ache problems. White House physician tells the president, the cause is all that bowing to foreign leaders.
Have at It
MSNBC TV's Rachel Maddow reports an Internet spoof story from "ChristWire" as fact. Writers at "The Spoof" are urged by the editor to try harder and possibly get their stories on CNN!
New TV Ad
Have you or a loved one taken the dangerous drug (fill in your choice) and call 1-800-DOLLARS. Then our law firm will round up enough people with a similar choice for a class action law suit!
Texting and Driving Update
New study finds that texting and driving is caused by a condition known as low IQ!
More to do for NYC Police
New York City Council bans smoking in outdoor areas. Visible belly button lint and crotch scratching in public next on the liberal mayor's list of things to ban!
Happy Chinese New Year
Happy Chinese New Year 2011 and the current year is the year of the rabbit. Playboy Magazine has been celebrating bunnies every month for the last 51 years!
Bring back the Outhouse
Maryland's governor wants to ban the further installation of septic systems in major Maryland housing developments. He doesn't give a crap about rural communities!
USA De-Nile I
Our kissy-kissy president with his strange foreign policy doesn't understand the Middle-East. After 30 years of peace, the Muslim Brotherhood would again slaughter Egyptians in a war with Israel!
USA De-Nile II
Our kissy-kissy president with his strange foreign policy doesn't understand the Middle-East. The Muslim Brotherhood would establish The Islamic Republic of Egypt, sound familiar!
A Toss Up
Political Scientists are concerned whether President Obama's reckless spending ambitions or the EPA's environmental regulations will bankrupt the USA first!
History Class Essay
Describe President Carter's relationship to the Shah of Iran as compared to President Obama's relationship to President Mubarak of Egypt. Include a comparison to President Reagan's foreign policy.
Math Class Problem
What's the probability an inexperienced president, with no understanding of the Middle-East, in an almost bankrupt country, amidst freedom protests in Egypt will prevent another Iran from happening?
Mock Hearings on Spending the USA into Bankruptcy
Former HS Pelosi (D-CA) stages a mock hearing on Capitol Hill to press the GOP to implement President Obama's call for increased spending on infrastructure, education & research into renewable energy.
I was Busy Spending the USA's Imaginary Money
The top priority of Democrats in Congress is creating jobs said former HS Pelosi. Republicans asked where has the gavel-less one been for the last two years while the unemployment rate was near 10%!