Spoof news snippets from Saturday 26 February 2011
Jack be nimble - hospitalized
Jack of 'jump over the candlesick' fame has been admitted to the 'burn unit' of St. Jo's hospital in Brantford, Ontario. He burned his toe jumping over one when it was LIT. Bleeding idiot!
Polly won't be putting the kettle on any longer
Polly will not be putting the kettle on any day soon because every time she does-Sukey has to take it off again because everyone goes home. "Bloody waste of my precious time," said Polly.
Higgledy Piggledy the black hen accused of being sexist
Higgledy Piggledy, the black hen, accused of being sexist as she only lays eggs for 'gentlemen'. Women's groups up in arms. Planning protest if this is not 'righted' soon.
Giant from Jack and the Beanstalk given 'life' in prison.
The giant has been given 'Life with no chance of parole' for grinding the bones of Englishmen to make his bread, be they alive or be they dead. It's hoped he takes a shower in prison - Dhamer style!
CBS has announced their new fall line-up
They are putting a lot of faith in a new television show called one and a half men.
The Farmer in the Dell has been arrested along with wife
The farmer in the Dell was arrested this morning.The wife he 'took' was not his own. The woman in question has also been arrested because the baby SHE 'took' was not hers. The nurse has been cleared.
Russian Sells MiGs for £3 Each
A Russian military man was given an 11 month sentence for selling 4 Russian MiG aircraft for £3 each! Meanwhile, David Cameron, is trying to sell and the Harriers for £1 each - a choice of 66.
The Entire RAF Rescue 150 People from Libya
Britain was left unguarded for a moment when both of the remaining Hercules aircraft flew to Tripoli to rescue 150 people. The RAF could have used Nimrods, but the government scrapped them weeks ago.
Leave a Message
Leave a message after the Beep
I think I've got the wrong number
There's certainly something wrong with you
Philosophy for Beginners
Confucius was really mixed up, Plato had too much on his, Kant can't, Schopanhoeur raced around the shops, Marx never got going and I am beginning to think I must have better things to do.
Little Babby removed by Children's Protective Services
Little Babby was taken screaming from the arms of his Daddy. CPS said the boy was made to 'dance to his Daddy in order to get a little fishy on a litle dishy and wait for the boat to come in.
APB out on Bobby Shaftoe
Police are frantically looking for Bobby Shaftoe. He failed to return from sea and his fiancee is heart-broken. He is easily recogizable, having silver buckles on his knee. If you see him, call cops.
Baa Baa Black Sheep - snubbed
Baa Baa Black sheep was snubbed by The Little Boy who lives down the lane. When asked to comment, Little Boy said,"What the hell am I supposed to do with a bag of black wool? I'm busy playing my Wii.
Crooked man to be evicted
The Crooked man is to be evicted along with his crooked cat and crooked dog. The crooked house they live in has been condemned. He is now set to walk nother crooked mile to go to live with his sister.
The House That Jack Built - to be demolished
Too many horrifiying crimes on animals, cat eating a rat, dog worrying a cat, cow with crumpled horn tossing the dog, took place in the house that Jack built. It's to be demolished by 37 elephants.
SuBo Wins Music Award
Not very attractive millionaire singer Susan Boyle's latest CD 'How To Make Simon Cowell A Fortune' has been voted album of the year by the National Institute For The Deaf.
Gerrdafi - crazy monkey
Our friends in Benghazi, Libya prefer to use Gerrdafi, crazy monkey as they now call him.
Fat Geoff Hails Slimming Success
Slimmer of the Year,DJ Geoff 'FatBoy Not Slim' Michaels,43,of Wells in Somerset hailed his slimming success.He's lost 14 stones in a month having had his mouth wired shut. 'I'm starving' he mimed.
Scholes Times Tackle!
In Sporting News, Manchester United legend Paul Scholes has finally timed a tackle. Boss Alex Ferguson said 'It's a wuddy miwacle!'
I know a man from Cairo, I met him on Fez Book.
Boy missing for 2 years returns home forfeiting longest ever game of Hide and Seek
When asked about the return, the parents responded "We are shocked, overjoyed and mostly relieved, because technically he lost, so we don't have to have that birthday party he was promised if he won"
As workers in Britain are working longer hours for less money the philosophy of the Government is becoming clear. Working for nothing is the new volunteering. We can all feel better as a result.
Gales for Ireland
A sharp breeze from the Atlantic has turned to a fine gale as the Irish Government fails to keep its supporters happy. The Irish punt didn't reach the touchline as the euro gained unexpectedly.
French Knickers to You!
With a dismissive flick of his snot England Rugby Official Bruce Buck gave his wife's French nickers to a Charity Shop. But they were refused entry because they contained a French letter.
Middle East Sensation
News just in - the Middle East has been promoted and will be known as the Top East from now on. Taking their place are relegated UK United who continue to let down their supporters at crucial moments.
Pen-Pusher of the Year Awards to be Announced
With the Coalition Government cutting public services, often the first go are paper-shufflers & pen-pushers. Now these unsung heroes will get their own award - The Giant Paperclip will be awarded to..