Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 22 February 2011
We Have Rooney Pics!
Cornish paedophile ring members John Barrett and James Machin have admitted that they are in possession of pictures of baby Kai Rooney and are demanding release from prison in exchange for the pics.
Indian man has 39 wives
The leader of a religious sect in India has 39 wives, whereas I have five cats who have 45 lives.
It's Halle Blackberry To You
In Hollywood News,beautiful leading lady Halle Berry has married Cheeky Fat Lad Jack Black after a whirlwind romance.
She wants to be known as Halle Blackberry.
Internet gaming kills more young males than Aids!
The W.H.O. has confirmed that internet gaming is now an official epidemic especially after the death of another Chinese after a 24/7 session, try having sex that long!
Gaddafi Calls For Supporters To Take To Streets
Colenel Gaddafi today asked for staunch supporters to take to the streets in protest of the current troubles. He didnt state whether he intended to shoot these ones or not.
Mexico Announces Space Programme
Abelard Siskin, Mayor of Canterford with Lully, denied that the Erskine Memorial Gardens would never be built yesterday. "I am not saying they will be built. I am denying that they will not be built", he retorted.
Chinese Develop Spotted Paint
The Mayor of Canterford with Lully answered his critics yesterday. "The idea that there is no such man as Erskine and that we have invented him in order to raise money on a false pretext, is ludicrous", he said.
Coronation Street To Be Axed, Claims Drunk
Abelard Siskin, Mayor of Canterford with Lully, has spoken out in an attempt to scotch rumours that there is no such person as Erskine, after whom the planned Erskine Memorial Gardens have been named.
Ouch! Unkindest Cut of All!
San Francisco Gay Rights Group wants to ban circumcision until males are 18
and able to decide if they want to cut the tip of their dick off. Protest is 'big flap
over nothing' say Lesbians.
Hillary Advises Chelsea on Marriage Difficulties!
".....sometimes you've just got to stop whining and suck it up.....!"
Murder Most Fowl: Prize Cockerel Garrotted In Rival Attack
For Aries, alarm bells should ring if the number of guests at your dinner party is a weak limit cardinal number, while a strongly inaccessible cardinal will play havoc with the decorating plans of kudu-loving Taureans.
Obama May Have Bulimia!
Insiders are worried about Barry's loss of weight, but Dr. Phil says he's probably throwing up every time he's sees his recent popularity polls!
Michelle Takes a Dump!
The first lady was aided by a 6 Secret Service Agents at Vail after pleading, "Help, I've Fallen and Can't Get Up" after tripping on her skis while trying to enter the ladies room ..in the lodge!
London Real Estate Prices Skyrocket!
Cameron credited after Mid East Trip offering asylum to Despots, Dictators, and their spoiled off spring results in surge of cash raising GDP .001 and fueling
more 3rd world take away businesses.
Backlash Shuts Down UK Haberdashery!
Store owner mobbed and forced to go out of business after selling 'Pork Pie" hats; immigrant customers irate when they found out they didn't come with gravy.
Lord Of The Rings: What A Bore, Claims Mayor of Lubbock, Texas
Cancerians can look forward to being trapped in a lift with two David Hockney lookalikes. Cambridge Pisceans should avoid boiled mutton. For Leos, a shrunken head discovered in a favourite armchair means it's time to take stock.
Frank Zappa Wore False Ears Claims Racing Carp Breeder
For Capricorns, a luminous hare is indicated. Librans with a financial bent will lose an eye. A postman's head in the chest freezer will prove difficult for Taureans to explain away.
BBC Claims Ga-Daffy Surrenders: Gets it WRONG!
Dictator pictured raising his umbrella not to surrender but to ward off horrific
'shit storm' caused by 40 years of tyranny
Byzantine Alfresco Eating Was No Picnic Reveals Study
Pylons can get you down. Ken Mollusc thought so. He covered those near his North Yorkshire home with Roman Empire-themed bunting. Mr Mollusc got arrested. You should have used colour-coordinated linoleum, Ken!
Fake Nelson Scourge Sweeps Swindon
Cheer up your street. Cover those intimidating lamp-posts with gaily-patterned linoleum. Aberdeen battle-axe Mrs Shagnasty festooned hers with tartan balloons. She got arrested. Linoleum is safer Mrs Shagnasty!
Australian sailors condemned for getting pissed?
Some Aussie sailors got pissed and had sex in public in Asia and were condemned. At their hearing they pleaded innocence because they believed they were only representing true Aussie culture!
New Planet Sighted
Turbid Prism, the new novella by Len Blatt published by Aardvark Press, is a "harrowing trek through the emotional antarctica of Blatt's early Norfolk childhood."
Even More Things Your Grandmother Taught You
Always wear rubber underwear when listening to Harry Secombe with a goat, or watching Doctor Zhivago with a maiden aunt. Protect old eviction notices with mothballs.
More Things Your Grandmother Taught You
Never let your prillets stay damp overnight. Tie them up in front of a kidnapped verger till the sun comes up. Sausages are best served cold, like revenge.
Things Your Grandmother Taught You
Mony a mackle mucks a mockle on Dandlemas Day
Chinese Dehydrated Foods Flood Western Markets
Oh for a buff jerkin! Let me wear Tyrolean leather hose and faux antelope-hide buskins. Let us stride arm in arm through Epping Forest, heedless of the philistine mob!
No Fly Zone for Libya
The UN is making Libya a 'No Fly Zone', eradicating every fly there in a bid to resolve the present crisis. Bakin Moon, UN President, declared 'We will rid Libya of the curse of the Gadly'.
Following the emergence of Facebook as a popular name in Egypt following the uprisng there the parents of a newly born daughter in Derby are to name her Twitter Wikileaks Geek.
Stockport Win Away
"Compulsory ski helmet scourge showed me the key to economic regeneration!" claims merde-brained rich albino buffoon Boris Johnson.
Colonel Gadfly of Libya has broadcast to his people and told them that rain has stopped play in the Test Match v Egypt. He has warned citizens to watch out for dogs shitting on them from aircraft.
Tripe Is The New Rock and Roll
Boris Kuntlapper was quite the thing at Prague last week. So Schloss Geblungenstein. It was all crepe cod-pieces, calico swaddling, and, last but far from least, faux-aluminium horse blankets.
New Micro-Organism Discovered In Janet Street-Porter
Heidi Bovine at Fashion guru Karl Fishfinger's Paris extravaganza. Gosh! - copper-wire snoods, primitivo Puglian love satchels and a host of flesh-hued cummerbunds.
Monopoly Sales Plummet
'Fewer people are currently playing the board game,' admitted a spokesperson for the manufacturer. 'Participants are increasingly unwilling to endure the vilification associated with being banker.'
Bankers Speak-Out In Support Of Lapland New Forest Brothers
'OK, the Mears brothers irresponsibly squandered others people's money,' admitted a spokesperson for the banking industry, 'but we are unable to see anything wrong with that.'
The Computer Mouse,invented 30 years ago looks nothing like a real mouse and is quite easily the worst lookalike gadget ever created.
Computer Guru Bill Gates said 'they are a bit sh*t.'
Comedy Dave In Trouble
The Trade Descriptions Act was passed in 1968 to stop people being conned on all manner of things.DJ Chris Moyles's sidekick 'Comedy' Dave is the latest example of a product that's not fit for purpose
In Victorian Times because Moth Balls were so plentiful,they were often used for cereal,as a breakfast substitute for the more expensive Weetabix.Apparently they are delicious with warm milk.
New Scientific Study
A new scientific study says that if a person will get up and manually change the TV channel instead of using a remote, he should be locked up somewhere safe where he couldn't hurt anyone..
So What Did You Do to Celebrate?
Yesterday in the United States it was the annual Furniture Sale of The Year with low, low, low prices...otherwise known as President's Day.
Storm Heading For Protesters?
A snow storm that could hit the Madison, Wisconsin area this week could prevent protesting union workers to miss a day of being off their job.