Spoof news snippets from Monday 21 February 2011
Gaddafi's Son Claims Libya Nothing Like Egypt or Tunesia
and clarifies, "We kill our protesters."
Look At That 'Rug' He's Wearing Would You? LOL
Congress poor example for children as they tweet and call each other across the floor during hearings.
No For Them, Yes For Us!
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton demands calm in the Middle East, supports protesters here.
Gaddafi's Son Issues Warning
Gaddafi's son, Little G, warns of 'rivers of blood'..."the mother-in-law of all wars!"
"Cuttings" on YouTube
Teens Posting 'Cutting' Videos on YouTube. Parents blame rabbi's showing circumcism..
Obama's Barred From Wedding
Royal Wedding: Beckham's coming but no Obama. Queen: "They get a little too familiar with one."
Might Work Here
Belgium sets new record: 249 days with no government. "They've inspired us say protesters in several Middle Eastern countries.
Risks of Oral Sex
Oral sex linked to cancer risk, especially while smoking.
Earth Unrecognizable #3
Planet could be 'unrecognizable' by 2050, experts say. "They will rename it, The Dearth!"
A wrist watch to measure blood pressure has stopped at 3.25, when the wearer had a stroke.
Susan Boyle top UK export artist and John Lennon just turned in his grave!
Susan Boyle is flying the UK flag in the global pop world whilst John Lennon and George turned in their graves! Paul and Ringo re-released "Yesterday" out of sympathy!
Bristol Palin Plans on Following in Her Mom's Footsteps
"They may be big stilettos to fill," said one reporter who is covering the story, "but Bristol is serious about running for President in 2020."
Christians Loosening Rules Regarding Certain Sins
Orthodox Christians are beginning to adopt a "do what feels right" attitude toward masturbation.
Arabs believe if they make enough noise "The Almighty One" will appear!
The Arabian world is in uproar, but not because of i's corrupt leaders? Common Arabs believe if they make enough noise Allah will appear and save them all????
Bad headline number 82:
Bulls hit by a politician
PETA Still Protesting Animal Fur!
Attendees of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show last week say that they are tired of seeing the PETA protesters outside. Also, that having little coats on their shaved pets won't keep them warm.
China Blaming Dalai Lama
China blames the Dalai Lama for some of riots there. They warn Obama that if he meets with him again, they will dump $1Trillion dollars on the market. US will counter with 100,000 lead toy lawsuits.
Tiger Still Hunted by Paparazzi
Tiger Woods is still insisting that his former wife Elin never hit him with a golf club. "I ran into a doorknob, twice", he is now saying.
VP's, Former Prez Having Feud
Dick Cheney and Joe Biden are having another feud. This time it's over removing the rack from "Secret Unknown Location". Bill Clinton perks up. "Is it a big rack?"
Old Folks Getting High #2
According to doctors, marijuana use among the elderly is at an all-time high. Elders also now demanding more munchies at Early Bird Specials.
Old Folks Getting High
According to latest doctors report, marijuana use among the elderly is at an all-time high. "But remember, many of these are old stoners!"
Clown Congressman Off to a Bad Start
Clown congressman messes up first vote, spilling seltzer water all over it.
"Old Bats" Outraged
Australian city to expel 22,000 bats from downtown gardens. Protests begin after announcer misreads it as "old bats".
Danish Supreme Court deals blow to hippie enclave. Hippies celebrate after misunderstanding of the term 'Blow'.
Cuba Celebrates Books
Cuba's celebration of books draws millions. However, many suspicious about book-burning once the exhibition is over.
Learn Another Language #2
Speaking 2 languages may delay getting Alzheimer's says report. Former President Bush cheered.
Learn Another Language!
Speaking 2 languages may delay getting Alzheimer's. Illegal immigrants say they're not falling for that old chestnut.
TV Reporter Doing Fine
TV reporter speaks about speech problem at Grammys, following visit by exorcist priests.
Hard Times in Haiti
Hard times again at Haiti nursing homes...everywhere else you can see.
Bush Asks for Clarification
Obama: US needs better math, science education. Bush: Does he mean ciphering at the chalk board?
Mexico May Ban Video Games
Mexico state congress asks ban of video games. "Too much violence", say those placed there by drug lords.
White House Chef Using Chemistry
White House chef whips up desserts with chemistry. May explain why President Obama's hair alternating between black and white.
Alibaba Executives Resign
Top Alibaba executives resign after fraud probe. Admit they never actually flew on any flying carpets.
Tobacco Wars Continue
Backers protest new anti-smoking in city proposal. "To backers, we are being isolated from humanity", says spokesman between coughs.
Following Daley Legacy
Next Chicago mayor faces weight of Daley's legacy. Candidates promise to attempt to stay as crooked but will take awhile to learn.
Overthrow of Royal Family
Britain protesters seek to overthrow royal family. Sorry, that should be "Bahrain". The weddings still on.
Earnhardt Jr. Crashes Late at Daytona
Earnhardt Jr. wrecks late, fades in Daytona 500. Finishes 501st, right behind wrecker.
Delta Engine Fails
Delta plane engine fails, forces emergency landing in the Mississippi Delta.
Japanese Digs Underway
Japan digs site linked to WWII human experiments, following the 'Dogs of war".
Texas poised to pass bill allowing guns on campus. Over 500 "Loners who talk to invisible people" transfer to Universities in Oklahoma.
Scientist finds Gulf bottom still oily, dead!
"Our divers couldn't even stand up down there. See our videos on America's Favorite Bloopers!"
Earth Unrecognizable #2
Planet could be 'unrecognizable' by 2050, experts say. "That's exactly why we won't show ourselves", say UFO occupants.
Planet could be 'unrecognizable' by 2050, experts say. "Could be by next year", say terrorists.
Blagojevich seeks to toss wiretaps. "They recorded all my crimes illegally!"
'Why is world not listening?'
Protesters around the world are asking why the world isn't listening? Everyone is too busy texting, watching stupid movies, on cellphones, etc.
On Saturday, a group of men and women in lab coats purporting to be doctors were handing out medical excuse notes, without examining the 'patients.' However, several admit the are veterinarians.
China cracks down on 'Jasmine Revolution'
"We're also keeping a sharp eye on the Pansy Revolution!"
Protests Don't Sway Wisconsin Governor......warns 12,000 workers could be fired without deal! However, protesters say they are determined to cut off their nose to spite their face.
Iran Warships Missing?
Iran says warships have passed through Suez Canal... Not so, says Egypt..."Then where are they?
Khamenei: America must be removed from Islamic world, perhaps the earth, entirely.
It's all in the genes!
Researchers for BBC's 'Who Do You Think You Are' program say they've discovered the great grandfather of America's TV reporter Serene Branson was none other than the great Stanley Unwin!
Spoof writer gets two thumbs up rating.
I won't be able to sit down for a week' said disgruntled sailor.
Bad headline number 81:
Extinct Animals May Lose Protection
Protests At BBC Wales Studio
Demonstrators have protested outside the BBC at plans to take over Welsh language station S4C.
But the protests fell on deaf ears as no one could understand what the demonstrators were shouting.
Dancing On Ice
Can only end in tears.
Activists Missing in China
Top activists in China disappear. Authorities say they have arrested the magician.
Ready For The Blackouts?
Scientists warn of solar 'Katrina'; Communications and electricity systems at threat from flare storms. Better load up on emergency rations, bank print-outs and bullets.
Lockerbie vs Libya - No Contest!
Fleeing his homeland, self proclaimed militay man, Colonel Gaddafi has claimed political asylum in the Scottish village of Lockerbie where his Facebook and Twitter downfall started, trial pending!
Baddeley Wins Northern Trust Open
Aaron Baddeley has won the Northern Trust Open for his first PGA Tour victory in four years. Tiger Woods took off again this weekend to see if he could find his career.
Libyan Civil War
Gadhafi's son warns of civil war in Libya. Gadhafi: "Just so long as it's civil."
Rush Has New Book
On the anniversary of the famous book by football great Gale Sayers 1970 autobiography "I Am Third", Rush Limbaugh says he plans to release his next bestseller, "I Am Turd" this spring.
No Hair Gadaffi
No hair Gadaffi, Son of Mumar considers himself blessed with baldness. No one wants hair like his Dad.
Wall Street Rallies
Despite all the turmoil in the Middle East, Wall Street is in the middle of a rally. "All but the bulk laxative stocks are hot right now. Those are a bit sluggish", says Morgan Stanley rep.
France To Join Protesters
Joining other protesters around the globe, there is a rumored march in France this week as workers are told they may have to work up to 30 hours per week.