Spoof news snippets from Sunday 20 February 2011
Census Not Complete?
Cosmic census finds crowd of planets in our galaxy. However, Snorps say they haven't been counted yet.
Guns On Campus
Texas poised to pass bill allowing guns on campus! "Go ahead, Punk. Do my math!"
The Big Society To Take-Over 999 Emergency Line
'In future, 999 calls will be routed to a random member of the public,' confirmed a Home Office spokesperson. 'Hopefully that person will be able to come up with some kind of help.'
Gadhafi: I Haven't Gotten Out in Awhile
Today Egyptians complained that since they ran off their leaders they don't have anything to do. Meanwhile in Libya, General Gadhafi stated that he would resign if President Reagan would.
Protests new to Gadhafi
"Is it my smile? It's my hair! Yes, that's it! Call the royal barber!" (You had him beheaded!)
Over Saddam's Head!
Donald Rumsfeld, appearing on CNN's "State of the Union," said that if Bush administration had known there were no WMDs in Iraq, it probably wouldn't have invaded. "Just lobbed a few daisy cutters,"
A-Qaida Knows "Nothing"
Al-Qaida, Germany's Sergeant Shultz say they know "Nothing, Nothing!" about middle-east protests.
Libyan Protests Continue
Protests new to Gadhafi. Told "they're asking for your head" he replies "Do I have another?"
"We'll Never Sort Them Out": Police Captain
D.C. rally for Libyans, Egyptians, Palestians, Israelis, Yemenis, Union workers, Tea Party turns violent!
Wife Swapping Parties Dissed
The male inhabitants of Upfield, Oregon have hit on a less immoral alternative to wife swapping parties.
They leave their women on the table in the middle of the floor and take home their car keys.
Unrest in 15 Countries
Libya, Yemen, China crack down on protesters; Bahrain pulls back it's tank!
The Kamasutra, earliest manual on sexual behaviour, has been updated to reflect modern day practices.
Previously most popular position 69 has been replaced by 72 - that's 69 with 3 people watching.
Does anyone still remember him....besides me that is!
ER Comes to the U.K.
Award winning U.S. hospital drama E.R. has been franchised out worldwide and BBC Southwest is planning to base the U.K. version in Bath, Somerset.
Its to be called Ooo Arr.
Katie Price To Walk Highwire At Battersea
Sorry, Helen Skelton. That should read, Helen Skelton. Off Blue Peter.
Libyans Protest In London
That'll really make Gadaffi sit up and take notice...
Trouble in Iran
Huge police presence blocks large demos in Tehran. "This wasn't supposed to happen HERE", says Ahmadinejad.
Popular British Sweets 'Liquorice Allsorts' were invented in 1736 in Bradford, but because liquorice was in short supply they were originally made out of coloured play-doh and rubber offcuts.
Buy Or Die?
"Buy everything" sentiment continues. "We can't afford not to", say investors.
The man who invented Cats Eyes, Jeff Radish originally used real cats eyes. Things went great for a couple of weeks until people started noticing that all the cats in his village were blind.
The Tea Party Comes to Town
The Tea Party has come to challenge Union protesters in Madison, Wisconsin. Sarah Palin rode through last night riding a horse and waving a lantern.
Scientists have finally proven that a monkey left in a room with a typewriter will not write the complete works of Shakespeare.He will actually cover the room in excrement and wreck the typewriter.
Milliband - Tories should leave the empty political rhetoric to us!
"Big Society? Pah! Leave the empty political rhetoric to Labour! "Who can forget:'Tough on Crime, Tough on the causes of crime' 'Cool Britannia' or 'The Respect Agenda'? what was I saying again?
Not Funny After Tenth Time
Employee at Oak Ridge, Tennessee power plant says he's tired of hearing "Well, I gotta go take a radioactive leak".
Radioactive leak alert issued at South Korean nuclear power research center. Wind just happened to be blowing North.
Foot of Snow
New foot of snow to kick the Midwest's ass the next two days!
"Ski This Way, Girls!"
Michelle Obama, Daughters Hit the Slopes on Ski Vacation. Girls claim that ghost of Republican Sonny Bono tried to lure them into the woods.
Christmas Tree The Latest Victim
High winds in DC snap national Christmas tree. GOP, Dem Blowhards blame each other.
Bad headline number 80:
Students Hear Reptile Lecture
Internet postings call for protests in 13 cities as Chinese protesters hit the streets. Over 30 cities protested around the world. But some protest that there are more.
FACT: Men have dirtier minds than women
Scientists have discovered why men have dirtier minds than women - a spokesman said that there is ample evidence that they change them more often.
Possible Polish Uprising?
It has been reported that Poland have bought over 2,000 septic tanks and when they have learned to drive them, they plan to invade Russia.
Check the mailbox: Royal wedding invites posted. Hyacinth Bucket reportedly holding postal worker hostage.
Probably Some of Godzilla's Victims!
Japan to dig site linked to WWII human experiments even though Japan still denies that they are there.
Egypt Attempts To Get Back To Normal
Banks, pyramid tourist traps, reopen in Egypt after weeks of closure.
The U.S. military needs to better protect its satellites, strengthen its ability to use them in the battlefield of space, as it becomes increasingly crowded & dangerous. Planet Earth rebelling?
Bahrain opposition plots strategy!
Bahrain opposition plots strategy before talks but thus far, twelve different people say they are the spokesman for the group.
Guv. Says No to Compromise
Biggest protest yet fails to change opinion of Wisconsin lawmakers. "Bring it on!", says Governor.
The big "Nessie" type creature that drove boaters off the Green River this Friday has turned out to be a 2,000-pound catfish. It had came up Mississippi River, into Ohio River and on into the Green.
More Earths Out There
Cosmic census finds crowd of planets in our galaxy. "And protests going on on every single one", say Astronomers.
Gulf Oil Still Around
Scientist finds Gulf bottom still oily, dead. "It's still lying on the bottom floor", states scientists."It's BP's bottoms that need the oiling."
Protests in China Also
China tries to stamp out 'Jazzman Revolution'. I'm sorry, that should be Jasmine Revolution'.
Wedding Invitations - Apply Here
For wedding invitations to attend the wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton send £300. Reply within 7 days and we will also send a piece of the wedding cake. Invitations printed to order.
Fears grow for Muppet's Drummer 'Animal' in Bahrain's capital
Meaningful Snippet Less Popular than Crappy Snippet
LONDON - As the snippet service registers hits, many intelligent snippets are being outvoted by bland snippets. Many smart writers are unhappy. Boo hoo.