Spoof news snippets from Monday 14 February 2011
Ronaldo Calls It A Day
Brazilian's legendary striker Ronaldo has announced his retirement from first class football.
He's signed for West Ham United.
Prince Charles is busy learning his King's Speech and to gain sympathy from an unsympathetic audience he is having speech training to teach how to stammer.
Chilcot Inquiry - English Premiership Link
Sensational news coming out of the Iraq Inquiry today: its been confirmed that Lord Chilcot is to refer the U.K. government's motives to the Dubious Goals Committee.
Manchester Derby was 'Game of Two Halves' says Ferguson
'Half a bottle of Chablis, half a pint of Glenfiddich.'
Sir Alex Ferguson Denies 'Tight-fisted' Charity Claim
"Why the hell would I need to buy a plastic red nose?" he asks.
Packers Cause Packing Melee In Stadium
The Green Bay Packers have gone on a packing spree, packing everything in sight on the field. A partial list would include: goalposts, seats, chalk lines..even the referee was packaged and taken away!
Albatross Meat 'Big Success' Say High Street Butchers
'They're flying off the shelves.'
US Woman Gives Birth to ' Own' Grandson
A 61-year-old woman gave birth to her own grandson - it is really her son because her husband is the biological father - after all, is there really a man out there who would screw his mother-in-law?
European Space Agency to Develop Spacecraft That Can Be Controlled by Artificial Intelligence
British scientists are involved with the European Space Agency in making a spacecraft which can be controlled by artificial intelligence. This will not be affected by the defence cuts that David Cameron has announced today.
Mother Jones Declared Stupidest, Most Pointless Magazine of All Time!
Today, the magazine "Mother Jones," long known for it's inanity and irrelevancy, was declared the "Stupidest Magazine in History" by a panel of literary judges, some of whom were from Europe.
Steelers Live Up To Their Name; "Steal" Everything
As they left the field today, the Pittsburgh Steelers (who might now be called the "Stealers") stole everything, including goalposts, white chalk-lines (most of which were snorted), even the referee!
Laser Eye Surgery for Pirates
Fifty percent off regular price.
Mubarak becomes salesman
Mubarak has become a salesman after resigning as President of Egypt, but some claim what he's selling is one big pyramid scheme.
'The Pig Society' is 'my mission' says David Cameron
"We like what we hear" respond Investment Bankers.
Grammy Awards resolve age-old riddle
...as Lady GaGa, not the egg, comes first.
Jordan embraces her critics
"I love my knockers" she says.
Tiger Woods vows never to spit again.
"I'll follow my own advice to my girlfriends and swallow."
Lady Gaga Wins Grammy for 'Best Madonna Impersonation'
Lady Gaga thanked the older popstar for inspiration, and stated that the egg she hatched from was symbolic of the successful cloning procedure. She also won Best Pop Vocal Album for The Fame Whore.
Crucial New Show Announced
Sky are producing a new documentary series hosted by Lorraine Kelly, about missing mums.
This follows the success of Sky's previous series Missing Shaving Gells: Lorraine Kelly Investigates.
A former bodyguard has revealed that apart from the Disney Store, Michael Jackson's favourite shop was Staples.
Very apt as that was all that kept his face together for the last 10 years
Police Thwart Rave Plans
Police have arrested a 19-year old man over plans for an illegal rave in Somerset.
Officers raided the man's flat and removed 5 bottles of Merrydown , 3 Worzels albums and 7 paracetamol tablets.