Spoof news snippets from Friday 11 February 2011
Bad Headline number 78:
Quarter Of A Million Chinese Live On Water
Don't Worry About That My Lover
Norfolk is the only County in England where everybody who lives there is related. Mayor of the city, Uncle Jeff, said 'it's a really family atmosphere round here.'
Fat Lass Goes For Skinny Dip
Overweight student Karen Wobble,22,defied her 20 stone frame and went for a midnight skinny dip.
'I just wanted to prove that fat people can go for a skinny dip,' she explained.
Cows Don't Jump Over Moons
Contrary to popular belief,cows can't jump over the moon.They can't even jump over a cowpat and often tread it through Farmer Giles kitchen,much to the annoyance of his wife.'I'm sick of it'she said.
You Are Taking The Pisa
The leaning tower of Pisa is actually from Lowestoft and was only shipped out to it's present site in 1967 when the then mayor of Lowestoft, Tommy Fudge retired there.It's his favourite building.
Chaka Demus & Pliers
Chaka Demus & Pliers,those popular Reggae producers of hits like 'Informant' are actually called Winston ChakaDemus and Hubert Pliers.They are the richest men in Jamaica and quite rightly retired..
David Bowie's smash hit single 'Rebel Rebel' was originally called 'Rubble Rubble' and was about a rubbish tip in Camden,but a reporter pronounced it wrong in the press release.
Al Queda Avatars Invade Cyber Space
The CIA claim Linden Lab's Second Life is the new communication hub for terrorist organizations like Al Qaeda. Top avatars in the "game" include Osama bin Laden, Ali Atwa and Achmed The Dead Terrorist
Man Cannot Live On Bread Alone
For lunch, Barry, 23, from Brighton had 14 slices of bread. However,with that he had 4 slices of ham, wotsits, a lucozade, and a mini mars bar. You see, the Bible is right, man can't live on bread alone.
Man Flies By Seat Of His Pants
Great news from Belgium where a man ran very fast down a racetrack then pulled the inside of his pockets outside to make little wings,jumped into the air and glided for 40 feet,an unassisted record.
Police Warn Have-A-Go Heroes not to Do It.
Police chiefs warn have-a-go heroes not to have a go, but to do nothing - except phone 999 and allow the professionals to handle the situation. Can they do nothing better than us?
Craigslist Congressman says photo was actually meant for P90X ad
"I don't know how photos got mixed up, except to say that I guess the 'muscle confusion' part applied to my mental state as well", he was quoted as saying.
Another Tornado Crashes
As another Tornado crash landed at RAF Lossiemouth yesterday, a single Tornado is left to patrol and defend Great Britain.
Shefki Kuqi Signs For Toon
you couldn't make this up but I couldn't resist.Magical news for magpies fans,out the revolving door goes Andy Carroll,in comes N0.42 or is that his age?
Greater Manchester Police have urged teenage motorists to check their spelling. "They are DUAL carriageways, not DUEL carriageways. If you want to battle to the death, buy Gears of War!"
Berlusconi to host 'The Burlesqueconi Show'
Mired in another sex scandal, Silvio Berlusconi tries to improve his image with a new variety show a'la Jack Benny. He'll tell jokes, play the upright bass, and do the bunga bunga with guests.
We're Talking Fractions Here
Mathematical Researchers at Stockholm University have revealed that five fourths of all children struggle with fractions.
French Footballer Scandal
Zahia Dehar, the Moroccan allegedly paid by Franck Ribery for sex, claims that the weirdest thing was Ribery asking her to rough him up. "It looked like someone had already beaten me to it".
Santa up for breaking and entering
In dramatic news, Santa Claus has been charged with breaking and entering a Bel Air residence in LA. The bearded one said that he was only doing his Xmas duty but LAPD threw him in jail any way.
Santa not content
Father Christmas has emailed the general populous indicating that he will not deliver gifts this Yuletide because he has not been paid for past excursions. "I'm just a slave to some people" he cried.
Santa is no more
Santa Claus has been identified by US intelligence sources as an agent for terrorism and, henceforth, will be barred from delivering xmas gifts permanently. His reindeer will be incarcerated in Ohio.