Spoof news snippets from February 2011
There were 852 spoof news snippets published in February 2011. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
A Celebrity Breakup in Reverse?
Barbie and Ken may be getting back together. Oy!
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
Sarah Palin and Bristol Palin are hoping to trademark their names.
I know a man from Cairo, I met him on Fez Book.
Fishy goings on in Birmingham!
Birmingham(UK)health officials have confused people by saying they want their fish'n'chip shops to sell healthier dishes.Do they want them to sell boiled fish'n'chips or stop selling fish completely?
New Scientific Study
A new scientific study says that if a person will get up and manually change the TV channel instead of using a remote, he should be locked up somewhere safe where he couldn't hurt anyone..
Ice and Snow in Dallas for Super Bowl Weekend
Rumors that the bad weather was sent there by the NY Jets, just because they didn't make it to the Super Bowl, are unfounded.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her Tuffet...
Well...isn't that what ALL females 'sit upon'?
Always read the label!
A giggling William Hague said yesterday that crates of so-called chemicals of mass destruction Gaddafi purchased from Britain last year are actually chemicals of MOSS destruction intended for lawns.
Sky Atlantic Hacked by Disgrunted and Clever Virgin Users
LONDON - At the HQ of BSkyB, alarm bells were ringing as the Sky Atlantic channel gets hacked by smart-ass Virgin Media users on super-fast broadband. "Suck on our connection speeds Murdoch!"
Meaningful Snippet Less Popular than Crappy Snippet
LONDON - As the snippet service registers hits, many intelligent snippets are being outvoted by bland snippets. Many smart writers are unhappy. Boo hoo.
Little Babby removed by Children's Protective Services
Little Babby was taken screaming from the arms of his Daddy. CPS said the boy was made to 'dance to his Daddy in order to get a little fishy on a litle dishy and wait for the boat to come in.
Fat Scientists Say Obesity is All In Genes
LONDON - Scientists have found out that obesity is all in genes. The scientists massed (NOT WEIGHED) between 90-140kg, and the results are welcome for many who have been hurt at the bullying.
Be Very, Very Leery Of Expensive Wine
With an expiration date.
Down in the dumps and feeling blue at Chelsea.
Chelsea's Didier Drogba says there's never been such a miserable mood at the club - February's always a grey depressing month in England Didier.The daffodils will soon be be out to cheer us all up.
Is It Any Wonder Children Are Fat?
Scientists report that breastfeeding mothers can influence what children eat, by what they eat at the time. What do they eat? Pizzas, doughnuts, chocolate biscuits and anything which ends with "do you want fries with that?"
APB out on Bobby Shaftoe
Police are frantically looking for Bobby Shaftoe. He failed to return from sea and his fiancee is heart-broken. He is easily recogizable, having silver buckles on his knee. If you see him, call cops.
So Long, It's Been Good to Know You
As Egyptian President Mubarak packs his bags, he channels Woody Guthrie.
The Entire RAF Rescue 150 People from Libya
Britain was left unguarded for a moment when both of the remaining Hercules aircraft flew to Tripoli to rescue 150 people. The RAF could have used Nimrods, but the government scrapped them weeks ago.
CBS has announced their new fall line-up
They are putting a lot of faith in a new television show called one and a half men.
Peter Pumpkin eater, arrested
Peter, Peter Pumpkin eater arrested for unlawful confinement of wife in pumpkin shell. He is also charged with vegetable abuse.
Simple Simon suing 'someone'
Simple Simon is suing someone fro 'labelling' him as 'simple' but he is so stoopid, he doesn't know who to go to to help him out. Any village idiots out there willing to give him a hand?
Gaddafi's Son Issues Warning
Gaddafi's son, Little G, warns of 'rivers of blood'..."the mother-in-law of all wars!"
Crooked man to be evicted
The Crooked man is to be evicted along with his crooked cat and crooked dog. The crooked house they live in has been condemned. He is now set to walk nother crooked mile to go to live with his sister.
So What Did You Do to Celebrate?
Yesterday in the United States it was the annual Furniture Sale of The Year with low, low, low prices...otherwise known as President's Day.
Soldiers to Sell Laptops
Up to 4,000,000 soldiers have put their laptops up for sale in case they get contacted by the Ministry of Defence telling them they have lost their jobs, it was disclosed today.
Plans to improve school dinners in Oldham?
Oldham(UK)want to charge any new takeaway food shop wanting to open up near a school £1000.Let's hope they spend it on
improving the school dinners!
Pensioner's handbag brings in record bid at Chrispies
The handbag used to smack the 6 idiots who attempted the jewelry store heist this week, has been auctioned at Chrispies, bringing in 6,000 pounds which will go towards brain transplants for the 6.
Why Americans call the season before Winter - FALL
Coz nonE of 'em can spell AUTUMN!
Smart Teenager Will Take Out His Revenge More Precisely
BIRMINGHAM - An A* student, will take out his revenge on school bullies. "When I grow up, I'll make sure they're the cleaners of my loo. That's too good. Be my clowns." Score one for intellectuals.
1 in 20 Brits Have Been Caught in a Scam
It is reported that 1 in 20 Brits have been caught in a scam. This means that the other 19 have been devising them -such is the UK population which now has 19 out of 20 immigrants.
The House That Jack Built - to be demolished
Too many horrifiying crimes on animals, cat eating a rat, dog worrying a cat, cow with crumpled horn tossing the dog, took place in the house that Jack built. It's to be demolished by 37 elephants.
Baa Baa Black Sheep - snubbed
Baa Baa Black sheep was snubbed by The Little Boy who lives down the lane. When asked to comment, Little Boy said,"What the hell am I supposed to do with a bag of black wool? I'm busy playing my Wii.
Jack be nimble - hospitalized
Jack of 'jump over the candlesick' fame has been admitted to the 'burn unit' of St. Jo's hospital in Brantford, Ontario. He burned his toe jumping over one when it was LIT. Bleeding idiot!
It's raining, it's pouring
It's raining, it's pouring but the old man ain't snoring. He's wearing his CPAP mask, much to the delight of his wife.
Possible Polish Uprising?
It has been reported that Poland have bought over 2,000 septic tanks and when they have learned to drive them, they plan to invade Russia.
Does anyone still remember him....besides me that is!
Japanese Embraces New Sport: Competitive Hole Digging
The Japanese are embracing a new sport: competitive hole digging. A contingent is coming to England in a bid to learn from the current world champions at digging holes: David Cameron and Nick Clegg.
Injury in Jury
A 92-year-old grandmother of 10 was injured today when a cat sat on the jury of which she was a member.
FACT: Men have dirtier minds than women
Scientists have discovered why men have dirtier minds than women - a spokesman said that there is ample evidence that they change them more often.
Japan Declares NO FRY Zone
After making light of the atomic bombs on QI, Stephen Fry has abandoned his plans to visit Japan for a documentary. In case of a revenge attack, the Japanese embassy have decclared it a NO FRY zone.
A new app for the iphone has been launched today in the hopes of getting more Roman Catholics to confess. However, it is not as successful as Google because Google knows the truth and if we do the 10 Hail Mary's or not.
I've lost my mind
Please, someone, anyone, help me find it. If I remember rightly, it's a very good one...only one lady owner, last used on The Spoof site. Not many miles on the clock but chassis needs ome work.
Humpty Dumpty suing King's Men
Humpty Dumpty is indeed suing the King's Men for incompetence stating, "With all their training at the tax payers expense, you'd think they could put a bleeding egg together." More as we get it.
Georgie Porgie sent to Juvenile Hall
Georgie Porgie sent to Juvenile Hall for 6 months. His crime? forcing kisses on girls and making them cry. His sentence will be lengthened should he 'try it on' with any of the lads in 'juvie'.
Israel have sent in Moses to extract ex-pats and tourists back from riot torn Egypt. The operation is expected to take forty years.
Iran Banned In Facebook On Opposite Day
FACEBOOK, UNITED WEBSITES OF INTERNET - Facebook has banned the nation from all of its servers on Opposite Day. "They've constantly violated many FB rules," said Zuckerberg. "Three strikes & out."
Russian Sells MiGs for £3 Each
A Russian military man was given an 11 month sentence for selling 4 Russian MiG aircraft for £3 each! Meanwhile, David Cameron, is trying to sell and the Harriers for £1 each - a choice of 66.
The Farmer in the Dell has been arrested along with wife
The farmer in the Dell was arrested this morning.The wife he 'took' was not his own. The woman in question has also been arrested because the baby SHE 'took' was not hers. The nurse has been cleared.
Polly won't be putting the kettle on any longer
Polly will not be putting the kettle on any day soon because every time she does-Sukey has to take it off again because everyone goes home. "Bloody waste of my precious time," said Polly.
Doctor Foster to give Gloucester another try
Dr Foster has decided to give Gloucester another try. After stepping into a puddle right up to his middle many years ago he's bought a pair of green hip-waders and is set to make the journey tomorrow.
Osbourne Rates King's Speech
Ozzie Osbourne went to see the King's Speech last night. His verdict: "It was 'King billiant!"
Reverend Al Sharpton Says Sarah Palin Is Severely Lacking In Geographical Smarts
Rev. Al Sharpton says one reason he never wants to see Sarah Palin as president of the USA is because of her lack of geographical knowledge she could end up bombing Iowa thinking it's Iran.
Baby Gorilla Takes Its First Steps
A baby gorilla born in London zoo has taken its first steps today. The steps were taken after a zookeeper who was cleaning the ceiling of the monkeyhouse went for a comfort break.
Food for thought!
Obama says the sudden appearance of whistling chickens on many Kentucky farms unlikely being caused by GM corn feed.
Gaddafi's Son Claims Libya Nothing Like Egypt or Tunesia
and clarifies, "We kill our protesters."
Hillary Advises Chelsea on Marriage Difficulties!
".....sometimes you've just got to stop whining and suck it up.....!"
Giant from Jack and the Beanstalk given 'life' in prison.
The giant has been given 'Life with no chance of parole' for grinding the bones of Englishmen to make his bread, be they alive or be they dead. It's hoped he takes a shower in prison - Dhamer style!
Should eat more fibre...
Of ignoble birth!
The Reason "Weird" Al Yankovic Is Retiring
"Weird" Al Yankovic is retiring after losing his "Weirdness."
Bristol Palin Plans on Following in Her Mom's Footsteps
"They may be big stilettos to fill," said one reporter who is covering the story, "but Bristol is serious about running for President in 2020."
PETA Still Protesting Animal Fur!
Attendees of the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show last week say that they are tired of seeing the PETA protesters outside. Also, that having little coats on their shaved pets won't keep them warm.
It's all in the genes!
Researchers for BBC's 'Who Do You Think You Are' program say they've discovered the great grandfather of America's TV reporter Serene Branson was none other than the great Stanley Unwin!
Whether forecast for Prince Charles
Slight chance of reign!
Wanted: Handbag-weilding OAPs to join police forces worldwide
Handbag-wielding O.A.P.s are being recruited by Police Forces World-Wide after the video aired on youtube today- old lady single-handedly thwarted jewelry store robbery using her grit and her handbag.
Clown Congressman Off to a Bad Start
Clown congressman messes up first vote, spilling seltzer water all over it.
Is it me? Or is it me?
Well, I recently looked in the mirror, expecting to see ME, of course, but my mam was looking back at me...and she was laughing her head off.
Jack and Jill in custody battle over pail
Jack and Jill-in a heated custody battle as to who should actually take ownership of the pail which they have shared for years. They parted ways when Jack climbed the beanstalk and didn't invite Jill.
Three Bears Drop Charges against Goldilocks
The three bears agree to drop charges against Goldilocks for Break & Enter,theft of porridge, destruction of furniture & soiling of beds. They'll drop the charges if she becomes their house-keeper.
I've just had a haircut
At my recent visit to my hairdresser she used 'snippets' to tidy up the neckline.
Glad she didn's use Spoof Snippets.
Might Work Here
Belgium sets new record: 249 days with no government. "They've inspired us say protesters in several Middle Eastern countries.
Ouch! Unkindest Cut of All!
San Francisco Gay Rights Group wants to ban circumcision until males are 18
and able to decide if they want to cut the tip of their dick off. Protest is 'big flap
over nothing' say Lesbians.
Indian man has 39 wives
The leader of a religious sect in India has 39 wives, whereas I have five cats who have 45 lives.
Russia Is to Classify Beer As Water
The Russians have officially classified beer as alcohol with the exception that American beer still tastes like water.
Lib Dems to be now known as Dem Libs
The Lib Dems now wish to be known as Dem Libs in honour of the many supporters who have botoxed lips...and they DO number in the thousands...
Shed Owners Warn Police
The owners of sheds have warned police not to use wire mesh on their riot vans in case one of the rioters gets injured.
Alligator Found behind Sofa in Brazil
The amphibious reptile was found behind a sofa in Brazil, today. Meanwhile another alligator was discovered to be made into a handbag in neighbouring Argentina.
Mubarak believes he can win election!
Hosni Mubarak says he would like to give the people of Egypt the opportunity to vote him back into power when arrangements are made for an election to take place.He feels confident of winning he says.
New Disorder Discovered
A 75-year-old actor from Milton Keynes, retired from his profession last year. He has now been diagnosed as suffering from PDSD... that is Post Dramatic Stress Disorder
Bad Headline number 79:
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
You Won't Believe What Rich Oprah Winfrey Wants To Buy
Oprah Winfrey is so rich she is thinking about buying Wikileaks, New Hampshire, and the Gulf of Mexico.
The New Perfume Fragrance From Joan "The Moan" Rivers
Joan Rivers has just come out with her own perfume line. It's called...Eau Du Old As The Hills.
Cairo's Tahnir Square Prayers Disrupted: 2 Dead, Hundreds Evacuated
Friday prayer time in Tahnir Square, Cairo was disrupted by a single flatulent worshipper who caused the deaths of two people, hundreds had to make a quick exit.
I demand an update...even if I didn't get his name right.
Where is he? How is he? Is that what is know by 15 mins. of fame? Then I demand MORE!
Mike Tyson Vs. Naomi Campbell
Grambling University in order to raise money for scholarships is hoping to put on a celebrity wrestling match between Mike "The Lisper" Tyson and Naomi "The Employee Beater" Campbell.
Getting Exam Results No. 1 Cause of Finding Out About Terrible Exam Results
[more as it comes in]
Reminder about April Fools Day.
'The Spoof' is perhaps an appropriate place to remind everyone that as from this year April Fools Day is not
officially on the first day of April but on the first MONDAY of April.Don't Forget!
Is Berlusconi Going Deaf?
Italian premier, Silvio Berlusconi, could be going deaf it has been reported today. Apparently, he had heard on the news that there were hoardes demonstrating in Tahnir Square, Cairo and immediately flew there for a look.
Obama scares human race with UFO statement.
President Obama has ruled out any possibility of there ever being public disclosure regarding the UFO subject saying 'The truth about UFO'S is far too awful for it to ever be revealed to the public'.
Bad headline number 82:
Bulls hit by a politician
Frankie The J gets a papercut
Frankie The J received a 'paper cut' whilst exercising on a STATIONERY BIKE this morning.
Kerry Katona has turned to the spirits in a desperate bid to find Mr Right
Vodka, Kahlua and Baileys.
Bad headline number 81:
Extinct Animals May Lose Protection
Thin Lizzy to Be Renamed
The Irish rock band Thin Lizzy will be renamed following the death of guitarist Gary Moore. It will now be known as "Even Thinner Lizzy."
No Hair Gadaffi
No hair Gadaffi, Son of Mumar considers himself blessed with baldness. No one wants hair like his Dad.
Storm Heading For Protesters?
A snow storm that could hit the Madison, Wisconsin area this week could prevent protesting union workers to miss a day of being off their job.
Three Blind Mice Flee from Court
Three Blind mice murdered in a court today when a cat who was sitting alongside the jury, jumped out of the box and did what any ordinary cat would. They could not see it coming!
Milie Cyrus gets her fifth tattoo
The letter 'E' has been tattooed on her arm after spending a considerable amount of time learning the first four letters of the alphabet.
Noted Lesbian Singers Melissa Etheridge and Chely Wright To Record A Duet
The lesbian duo of Melissa Etheridge and Chely Wright will be going into the recording studio to record the country music song, "Hey Cowboy, Get Dat Damn Pecker Da Hell Away From Me Rat Now!"
The Netherlands Is Planning On Invading Cuba
The Netherlands facing a severe cigar shortage is presently making plans to invade Cuba.