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Gas, grass or ass

In a last ditch effort to remain solvent, the U.S. Postal Service announced that it will ease shipping restrictions on drugs, flammables, and smut.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 December 2011
Rating:

INSEINE Offers Date with Virgin Mary on EBay

Spoofwriter, INSEINE is to sell a date with Virgin Mary . The date which is leftover from a packet of dates from Egypt, will be given to the successful bidder by his maiden aunt Mary.

written by IN SEINE, 06 December 2011
Rating:

beautifulpeople.com Thrown off EBay for Offering Date with Virgin Mary

beautifulpeople.com, online dating agency have been thrown off eBay for selling a date with a scantily clad, sexy virgin Mary. It breaches advertising standards because she is only a 'virtual' virgin.

written by IN SEINE, 06 December 2011
Rating:

Totally New Dinosaur Species Found

A totally new dinosaur species has just been discovered hiding in a draw in the cellar of the Natural History Museum. It has been extinct (again) for at least one Hundred years!

written by IN SEINE, 06 December 2011
Rating:

Milton Keynes Woman Complains to Morrisons about Food

A Milton Keynes woman complained at Morrisons food counter about a Rocket Salad that she had bought that day. Unfortunately it had gone off before she got home and she could not eat it.

written by IN SEINE, 06 December 2011
Rating:

The 'Knitting Needle Nutter' of Norwich

Norwich police are looking for the notorious "Knitting Needle Nutter" who has been stabbing Christmas shoppers in the backside. They believe he has been following a pattern.

written by IN SEINE, 06 December 2011
Rating:

New Earthlike Planet Discovered!

A new earthlike planet, Keppel 22b has been discovered 600 million light years away. Meanwhile, world famous shape- shifter David Icke has miraculously appeared in Zagreb… So that's where he's been!

written by IN SEINE, 06 December 2011
Rating:

Liverpool FC's Luis Suarez waves to his fans with his middle finger!

Liverpool's jubilant very good loser, Luis Suarez, showed his appreciation to his fans by sticking his middle finger up whilst waving goodbye and smiling, what a muy bien futbolista he is, si, si!

written by Jaggedone, 06 December 2011
Rating:

Ku-wait a minute!

The Emir of Kuwait today dissolved parliament. Onlookers were suspicious that something funny was happening after he recently bought a giant vat of acid.

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 06 December 2011
Rating:

U.S. Postal Service changes snail-mail to sloth-mail.

The U.S. Postal Service will replace snail-mail with sloth-mail due to budget cuts. First-class postage will disappear, and newspapers will arrive a day late making it yesterday's news.

written by Lyndon, 06 December 2011
Rating:

Bruce Forsythe In Carbon Dating Mystery

Scientists have revealed that recent carbon dating tests carried out on popular game show host Bruce Forsythe indicate that he's over 2000 years old. When told last night he replied Your my favourite!

written by Clive Danton, 06 December 2011
Rating:

Newt Gingrich Is Trying Real Hard To Sound Kinda Smart

Newt Gingrich stated that the reason why poor kids are poor is due to the fact that their parents have no money. He later said that water is wet because it's wet and Jello wiggles because it's Jello.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 December 2011
Rating:

Herman Cain Is No Longer Popular With White Blonde Women

Since announcing that he was leaving the GOP presidential race Herman Cain's political ratings have gone down along with the sales of pizza.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 December 2011
Rating:

John McCain Makes a "Shocking" Statement

John McCain of Arizona says that the U.S. needs to stop sending billions of dollars to Pakistan and instead send it to Arizona so Governor Brewer can put electricity to the border fence.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 December 2011
Rating:

Newt Gingrich Knows How To Get To The Iowans

The GOP campaign of Newt Gingrich has really gained some momentum since Herman Cain's departure. Newt has taken out political ads in Iowa that say: Vote For Gingrich - He'll Protect your cornfields.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 December 2011
Rating:

Clinton cites 'serious concerns' about Russian elections, such as cheating-ass Russians

Sec. of State Hillary Clinton says that she's overly concerned about the irregularities in the recent wave of Russian elections. Asked to explain, Clinton said, "Cheating-ass Russians are to blame."

written by Lyndon, 06 December 2011
Rating:

Ken Clarke in the dark on jobless in his own constituency!

"Well fancy that!"

written by Inchcock, 06 December 2011
Rating:

Mrs. Herman Cain Is Finally Getting With The Program

Reports are that Mrs. Herman Cain is thinking about dying her hair blonde so that her husband will pay a little more attention to her.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 December 2011
Rating:

In The Bad News - Good News Department

The bad news is scientists are reporting that polar bears are starting to shrink in size due to Global Warming. But they say the good news is that polar bear fleas have now completely disappeared.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 December 2011
Rating:

NASA Admits Something About A Great Big Satellite

NASA is reporting that a six-ton satellite has crashed into the Earth. They say that they have no idea exactly where it crashed but they are periodically checking out eBay.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 December 2011
Rating:

Fox Is On Top Of The Cartoon World

In a move to become a little more of an educational network, Fox plans to unveil its new Sunday cartoon show titled, The Adventures of Chucky the Condom.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 December 2011
Rating:

WHO Says That There Is Really No Need For Alarm (Kinda)

The World Health Organization has noted that low levels of radioactive iodine-131 have been detected in the Czech Republic and are asking people to simply ignore any red blinking noses.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 December 2011
Rating:

A Wind By Any Other Name Is Just As Windy

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer has issued a proclamation that the Santa Ana winds that originate in California are to be referred to ONLY by the name the Saint Anne winds.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 December 2011
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Jon Huntsman Knows It Cannot Get Worse

Jon Huntsman said that just because his popularity now stands at minus one percent is still not reason enough for him to throw in the towel.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 December 2011
Rating:

NASA's Rover Is Headed To The Wrong Place

A $2.5 billion nuclear-powered NASA rover has been launched toward Mars to look for signs of life. They should have kept the rover here to look for signs of jobs.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 December 2011
Rating:

Youth stole jewellery to give to his Mum!

Charged with burglary, rioting and encouraging a riot, conspiracy to manufacture firearms, & violent disorder. A Nottingham youth (22) said he took the gems to give his Mother!

"What a kind thought!"

written by Inchcock, 06 December 2011
Rating:

Petrol bombs found in Nottingham Street!

A man "went crazy" and damaged a car with an estate agent sign after he dropped a plastic bag in the street which police later found contained 3 petrol bombs.

"Nothing unusual for Nottingham there then!"

written by Inchcock, 06 December 2011
Rating:

Harcourt Hotel Hoax

Giant albino bedbug posted on eweTube by skeletor508 determined to be a giant regular bedbug that had walked through some fresh white paint.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 06 December 2011
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