Q What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
A Nothing, it just let out a little wine
written by j.w.
, 27 December 2011
Can You Believe It?
Cheesemakers in the village of Stilton, Cambridgeshire, are banned by the EU from labelling their cheese as Stilton, even though it was originally made there. They are going to rebrand it as "I can't believe it's not Stilton."
The Duke of Edinburgh has confessed to making up the story of his heart pains so that he could avoid the 'ghastly Christmas celebrations'.
written by j.w.
, 27 December 2011
Record sales of ouzo save Greek economy!
The Eurozone has been saved by the massive global consumption of Greek ouzo over the festive period proving that alcohol is not evil and now we can all look forward to a prosperous new year; BUUUURP!
Florence Nightingale employed by Man United!
In an effort to halt the injuries at Man Utd's lazarett Fergie has employed Florence Nighingale! Her skeleton is to stand in the lazarett at Utd and the players only have to rub her lamp, Genie-us!
Prince Philip Heart Op Success!
'It was tough going, but we eventually found he found he had one" says surgeon.
written by pinxit
, 27 December 2011
The Pizza Hut Employee Just Up and Quit (After 25 Years)
A man who had worked at a Pizza Hut for 25 years suddenly quit one day because he said that he just got tired of dishing it out.
Women Say It Smells Awful
What is the worst perfume that a man can buy for a woman? Eau Du Football.
Zimbabwe Is Moving Forward
Zimbabwe which used to be known as Rhodesia will once again change its name. The new easier to pronounce and write name will be Tarzanland.
The Arkansas Insurance Companies Have Spoken
Insurance companies in Arkansas are refusing to insure mobile homes against earthquakes stating that earthquakes do not really damage trailers.
The All-Around Electrician
A good friend of mine is an excellent electrician who is also a whiz at current affairs.
Portugal Wants To Make A Very Important Correction
Portugal says that the rumors that they are planning to invade New Zealand on New Year's Eve are not true. The planned invasion is actually scheduled for February 14, 2012, Valentine's Day.
The Sad Mississippi Fishing Story
A fisherman in Mississippi caught a catfish that weighed 732 pounds. But before he could get it into the boat, it ate the boat.
Arizona's Amazing Plan To Get Rid of Unemployment
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer has said that she will eliminate all of the state's unemployment by having unemployed people double up on jobs of people who are employed.
Cameron vows Britain would never surrender the Falkland Islands to Argentina!
Even if we enough ships to send our reduced forces to the Islands!
A Strange Malady
Leading Republican Gastroenterologists indicate that the constipation of US job creation, experienced during the current recession, is due to a blockage known as Obamanomics!
Some New Food for Thought
Washington DC protestors are on a hunger strike for voting rights. They would be better served reading the US Constitution and visiting Congressional offices to plead for a Constitutional amendment!
Term Limits Needed
Texas Governor Perry believes in a part time Congress and term limits for judges. Then why isn't there a two term limit placed on any serving governor of Texas?
Kids Should Eat Vegetables, But
What advertising moron came up with the idea of getting obese kids to eat vegetables by pouring full-fat salad dressing all over their broccoli? The same person that sprinkles bacon bits on ice cream!
Candidate Gingrich is like President Obama
Presidential candidate Gingrich failed to submit the required 10,000 signatures to appear on the Super Tuesday ballot in Virginia. Newt & President Obama feel that many US laws don't apply to them!
Just Like Obama
A number of the Republican presidential candidates seem to ignore the important economic problems the US faces, but instead concentrate on sh*t that doesn't matter to most people!
A Blow for Freedom
FCC regulators to mandate that broadcast TV commercials not have an increased sound level above that of the CRAPPO programming!
NYC allows Occupy Wall Street protesters to congregate around a sewer plant on the Hudson River, where the odor will mask the smell of the protester encampment!
Rabid environmentalists claim cloud computing causes global warming by trapping greenhouse gases!
VP Biden Puts Third Foot in Mouth
VP Biden says the Taliban is not an enemy of the US. Some have labeled the statement as the latest in a long history of VP foot-in-mouth disease; others indicate it was not his foot!
Advertising Restrictions for Children
The food police want to prevent the eating of sugary cereals by kids up to 17 ½ years of age. Thus, a kid may eat a sugary cereal when he gets his M16 rifle during basic training!
Texas Governor Perry asks if you could trust doing business with a person who cheats on their spouse. He overlooked the southern preachers who cheat on their wives.
Newspeak Spoken Here
Occupy protestors, who don't have a job or work, block dock workers from going to work claiming the union workers are being exploited!
It's called Marxism, Stupid
The EPA wants to regulate the environment by controlling the means of production, product consumption and social interaction via community organizations, without any input from Congress!
The King is Not In
King Obama I takes a $4 million vacation after throwing two months of payroll tax, unemployment insurance and doctor fix extensions to the peasants!
Pelosi Blames Tea Party
Rep. Pelosi (D-CA) blamed the extreme Tea Party element of House Republicans, for saying a two-month payroll tax extension was too short. She apparently had been sleeping during the floor debate!