There were 493 spoof news snippets published in August 2011. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.

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Rating:

Numerous Injuries at El Paso Amigo Air Show

Several spectators were injured during a frenzied stampede today at the El Paso Air Show. Witness report the crowd became unruly when after several hours there were no plane crashes or tragedies.

written by Lola Heatherton, 16 August 2011
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If a man pats a woman's bottom he's just being friendly: Jeremy Irons

And if a Judge slaps a custodial sentence on ya she's just doing her job!

written by queen mudder, 09 August 2011
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"I think I just spotted Snooki!"

"Since when do they allow dogs on this beach?"

written by Michael Balton, 14 August 2011
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Suspicious E Mail.

Do not open an E Mail offering 2 free tickets to watch a Chelsea match. It may contain 2 free tickets to watch a Chelsea match.

written by Rebel Not Taken, 26 August 2011
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Rubber Heads!

A Nation manipulated by it's government into giving consent for it's police to use rubber bullets - against children - instead of demanding those 'brave' policemen be issued with some rubber footwear!

written by Tommy Twinkle, 11 August 2011
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You remember going to the beach...

It's like Facebook without shirts.

written by Michael Balton, 14 August 2011
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Charity shops outwit looters.

High Street Charity shops are defying the looters by leaving all their clothes strewn all over the pavement without price stickers on.

written by Rebel Not Taken, 08 August 2011
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Army To Deal With Future Riots

David Cameron says he wants to see the Army on the streets of London. "Which fucking Army is that?" asked the Chief of Defence Staff.

written by Sidney Bollocks, 14 August 2011
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Rioting To Be Introduced as a Sport in 2012 Olympics

Olympic organizers in London have decided, upon the police not being able to effectively control the youth in the UK, to just have rioting be an Olympic sport.

written by Ellie James, 10 August 2011
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Millwall fans defend Eltham.

They are patrolling the streets singing "no one loots us we don't care"

written by Rebel Not Taken, 10 August 2011
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London Officials Test The Olympic Flame

With the Summer Olympics a year away, the city of London previewed a portion of the opening ceremonies last night. An enthusiastic crowd of 5,000 helped distribute the Olympic flame to 4 police cars.

written by Michael Balton, 07 August 2011
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Dale Winton Doesn't Dye His Hair!

He 'colours' it. A bit. Allegedly.

written by Skoob1999, 13 August 2011
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Oasis Bar and Grill Spared during London Fire Storm!

The iconic hangout for dissident writers was open for business after a night of riots leaving the rest of the street in ruins. Mgr. Wortham attributes good luck to Colonists..."they all had guns!"

written by Morse, 09 August 2011
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Rio Ferdinand to address the nation on Twitter.

Kick Off 19.45 (Sky Sports 1HD)

written by Rebel Not Taken, 10 August 2011
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Good News for Husbands during This Economic Downturn

The economy has got so bad that wives are beginning to have sex with their husbands because they can no longer afford the batteries!

written by IN SEINE, 09 August 2011
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Bad Headline Number 86

WOMAN BITTEN BY SPIDER IN BATHING COSTUME!

written by IN SEINE, 22 August 2011
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A New Pistol to Commemorate Politicians

Smith & Wesson is to bring out a new pistol to commemorate Senators and Congressmen. It will be named the "Legislator". It doesn't work and you can't fire it.

written by IN SEINE, 20 August 2011
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The GOP Female Candidates Are Taking Over

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer is now considering joining fellow females Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann and running for president. Perfect - The GOPs answer to The Three Stooges.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 August 2011
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New Gene Found

Today in London University Hospital, scientists have discovered a gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind some other genes.

written by IN SEINE, 04 August 2011
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Why There Will Never Be A Hurricane Kevin, Or Dave

It lacks gravitas.

written by Skoob1999, 29 August 2011
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Naturists Furious over Tower Block Plans

A naturist club in Surrey is furious at plans by the council to erect a five-storey block of flats even though the Council have submitted plans that all Windows will have net curtains.

written by IN SEINE, 06 August 2011
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So Farewell, Jerry Leiber

Stand By Me. 'Nuff said.

written by Ellis Ian Fields, 23 August 2011
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The Stressful Stress Is So Gosh Darn Stressful

Well President Obama just turned 50, which is 70 in average people years.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 August 2011
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The American Congress: Men, Women, and A Few Adults

Congress is the only place where so called adults can act repulsive, despicable, offensive, shameless, and obnoxious, and then turn around and vote themselves one hell of a pay raise.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 August 2011
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Mama Grizzly?

A real mama grizzly doesn't let her cub get pregnant.

written by K.C. Bell, 31 August 2011
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Jim Divine MP Saves Taxpayers £10,400

Jim Divine MP who claimed over £8,000 in expenses was sentenced to 1 year in prison. However, he saved the taxpayer £10,400 by serving only 4 months. Whether he can be a good boy, remains to be seen.

written by IN SEINE, 01 August 2011
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Jeremy Clarkson & James May Justify Parking in a Disabled Bay

The Top Gear preseneters were showing electric cars which had run out of charge and were therefore DISABLED.

"SIMPLES!!" Clarkson was alleged to have quipped.

written by IN SEINE, 01 August 2011
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Policing by Consent!

Home Secretary Theresa May appeals for calm, appearing before crowd wearing dreadlocks, and puffing on a bong! Crowd goes wild, burns Westminster Abbey to ground.

written by Morse, 09 August 2011
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One Good Thing!

An upbeat Nick Clegg appeared on TV today to announce that the riots are not all bad. "Thank God," he said," we finally got rid of the lay a bouts in Parliament Square, they were so scared they left!"

written by Morse, 09 August 2011
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Gooner Talks In His Sleep

"Oh, don't say they've scored again..."

written by Skoob1999, 29 August 2011
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Kim "X-Ray" Kardashian Has Just Received Quite A Distinction

The North American Doctors Coalition has just named Kim Kardashian's butt X-ray as the most viewed X-ray in medical X-ray history.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 August 2011
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The Much Traveled Joan Rivers

It is now official - Joan Rivers now looks more like a space alien than even the damn space aliens do.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 August 2011
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Ornithological Advice Wanted

I planted some birdseed.
A bird came up.
...Now I don't know what to feed it.

written by IN SEINE, 18 August 2011
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Unusual Arrest

They arrested the devil in a small town near Florence, Italy this morning.

They got him on possession.

written by IN SEINE, 20 August 2011
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Florida woman discovers that pastries don't have any paste in them

The stripper thought the pastrie's paste would paste her pasties. Unfortunately, she made the decision in a hasty.

written by mikewadestr, 05 August 2011
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Large Lady Appeals

A large lady from Lancaster was angry that someone stole her knickers from the washing line. However, she was even more annoyed that the thief also stole the 12 pegs that held her knickers on the line.

written by IN SEINE, 09 August 2011
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The Ever Demanding Sarah Palin

Sarah "Crosshairs" Palin asked Vice-President Joe Biden to apologize for calling the Tea Party members terrorists. He did and said that he really meant to call them Republican terrorists.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 August 2011
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Average 37 Min to Get to Sleep

It takes 37 minutes to get to sleep using whale music and birdsong. Strangely enough, it only takes 5 minutes to get to sleep while listening to a Party Political Broadcast by the Conservatives.

written by IN SEINE, 05 August 2011
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Unseen Enemy?

Col Gaddafi has not been seen in public since May. This begs the question, where is he? Someone said that they have seen him in a chip shop in Milton Keynes only last week!

written by IN SEINE, 22 August 2011
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Newest Dummies book is Hugely Popular in Libya

IDG books states they are pleased that their recently published How to Run a Country For Dummies is flying off the shelves in Libya.

written by Ellie James, 24 August 2011
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Higgs Boson Disappears

Scientists were today disappointed in their hunt for the "God particle" because it had disappeared from their very eyes. However, they may have found the "Gaddafi particle" which may disappear soon.

written by IN SEINE, 24 August 2011
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Owning a Cell Phone Can Cause Underachievement

A new study found that the average child is more likely to own a cell phone than a book. I guess that would explain why he's average.

written by IN SEINE, 07 August 2011
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No Fruitcake. Please

It has been disclosed that before Prince William got married to Kate Middleton, he said that he did not want the traditional fruitcake at the wedding. Prince Charles said that he will go anyway.

written by IN SEINE, 09 August 2011
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Violent Vomiting Outbreak Hits US!

Government blames Bush and Tea Party for outbreak.
Victims shout, "It's the economy, Stupid" as savings evaporate
while Obama parties and vacations.

written by Morse, 09 August 2011
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Police Cannot Use Water Cannon

David Cameron has had to back down on his promise to allow the police to use water cannon because they only have 3: 1 at Heathrow airport; 1 in Afghanistan and the 3rd was sold off with the Ark Royal.

written by IN SEINE, 12 August 2011
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Film about the Tottenham Riots

Stephen Spielberg is to direct a new film about a brave tea lady who fights off many rioters in Tottenham, armed only with a cup and saucer. It will be called "CHA-RIOTS OF FIRE"

written by IN SEINE, 12 August 2011
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Pistols at Dawn

Police had to be issued with water pistols to combat rioters because The Health and Safety Executive deems it dangerous to operate a water cannon. "Somebody might get wet!" A spokesman said today.

written by IN SEINE, 12 August 2011
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Prince Harry Dumps His Girlfriend

Prince Harry has announced that he has dumped his girlfriend so that he can concentrate more on his chopper.

written by IN SEINE, 16 August 2011
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Island Fling!

A £9,000 inflatable island has disappeared from a secret Garden party somewhere in England. The UK Border Patrol have not been able to trace its whereabouts… In case it has inflatable immigrants.

written by IN SEINE, 03 August 2011
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Tip for Writers with Writers' Block

Always remember when you are struggling for ideas for stories - there is always someone out there wrorse off than you......ME!

written by Lady Godiva, 02 August 2011
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Queen Elizabeth II Buys America

Buckingham Palace confirmed today that as the US cash balance is now less than Her Majesty's personal fortune, she had repurchased the colony. Plans for the US include re-imposition of taxes on tea.

written by Swan Morrison, 18 August 2011
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Kim Kardashian Buys the Mets, Oh yeah, 5.8 Magnitue earthquake hits east coast of the US too

Kim Kardashian Buys the Mets, Oh yeah, 5.8 Magnitue earthquake hits east coast of the US too

written by mikewadestr, 23 August 2011
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Col Muammar Gaddafi's son, Saif al-Islam, confirms that Pro-Gaddafi supporters control most of Libya

'The NATO aggressors have overdubbed news footage to make our supporters sound like rebels,' he revealed, 'and digitally altered the flags they are waving.'

written by Swan Morrison, 25 August 2011
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Scientists Make Discovery About Antimatter Belt

Scientists discover that the antimatter belt surrounding Earth is actually made of lamb skin.

written by Ellie James, 08 August 2011
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Cameron Considers calling up Military to Quell Riots in London!

When no one answers the phone, he is reluctantly informed that there are no more uniformed military in Britain, they were recently made redundant
during austerity cuts to maintain India aid.

written by Morse, 09 August 2011
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Hungry for it?

A Lebanese restaurant in West London has had to close its doors, after only receiving interest from dyslexic lesbians.

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 01 August 2011
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Is He a Reformed Character?

Ex-MP, Jim Devine who was released in early from a 16 month jail sentence for fraudulently claiming expenses, has joined a Morris dancing team as a fiddler.

written by IN SEINE, 03 August 2011
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When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's...

...Umami.' Heston Blumenthal

written by pinxit, 11 August 2011
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Oprah Is Looking For An Upstairs Maid and A Downstairs Maid

Oprah Winfrey emailed Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann and told each one that once Ricky Perry kicks their butts and they drop out of the race she'll hire both of them to be her house maids.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 28 August 2011
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2,000 Fake Piñatas Are Confiscated In El Paso

U.S. Customs Agents in El Paso confiscated 2,000 counterfeit Jay Leno Piñatas. An alert agent said he knew the Leno Piñatas were fake when he noticed they had normal looking chins.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 August 2011
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Sarah "The Spin Doctor" Palin Is Good At Spinning

Sarah Palin was asked about the large number of Tea Bag Party members who are deserting the party. She said, "Well ya know, they ain't really deserting, it's more like they're just leaving."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 August 2011
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Another Gem From The Geographical Mouth of Sarah Palin

Sarah "Snow Balls" Palin stated that she wishes that there was a way to somehow outsource hurricanes to Pakistan.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 31 August 2011
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President Obama Says Bye-Bye To The Tree

President Obama has announced that this year in order to save on the White House electric bill he will be doing away with the traditional Christmas tree and replacing it with a Christmas tulip.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 August 2011
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A Pet Store Tidbit

One of Sarah Palin's neighbors, who apparently isn't the brightest crayon in the Crayola Box, went into a pet store and told the clerk that he wanted to buy a dust bunny.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 August 2011
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Man buys chain saw: saws neighbor's car in half, sends in survey saying chainsaw works just fine.

Police came to arrest him, but after demonstation, had to admit that the chainsaw really did work fine,

written by mikewadestr, 05 August 2011
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UK PM is as tight as an Italian ducks arse!

David Cameron was caught red-handed not tipping an Italian waitress after downing his cappuccino. He went back, apologised and invited her to his private party: Luckily Berlusconi was not there!

written by Jaggedone, 08 August 2011
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The US shakes its head at the S&P Downgrade

The White House now regrets not switching to the rechargeable AAA rating.

written by Ellie James, 09 August 2011
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The Most Amazing Camel In The World

Scientists in Saudi Arabia say they've just cloned the world's first camel. They stated they do have a slight problem but are confident that they'll soon get the 18 humps reduced down to one or two.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 August 2011
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Canada's Illegal Alien Problem Is Getting Worse

Canada reports the illegal alien situation is getting worse. Authorities in Quebec say that due to global warming they are seeing a big increase in Eskimos trying to sneak into Canada from Alaska.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 August 2011
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It's A Happy Day In Liechtenstein

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton congratulated the tiny European country of Liechtenstein on the 205th anniversary of their independence. She then asked if the U.S. could borrow $10,000.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 August 2011
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White House Announces Revenue Plan

The US government will open a pizza chain in hopes of generating new revenue. Research shows pizza is the only profitable business in the States.

written by Ellie James, 03 August 2011
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Traffic brought to a halt during rush-hour on Yonge Street, Toronto

Chicken seen crossing road. No-one knows WHY!

written by Lady Godiva, 02 August 2011
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Spot the CSI agents....

Oh! Could they be the ones with the curly white cords tucked behind their ears, wearing sunglasses inside the mall and talking into their sleeves?

written by Lady Godiva, 02 August 2011
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Antarctica gay guy finds out that all the guys are gay. Either that or they are all really desperate.

Although it has been rumored that all the penguins are lesbians.

written by mikewadestr, 05 August 2011
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The High Flying 78-Year-Old Willie Nelson Is Still Performing

Willie Nelson said that he will give up smoking marijuana whenever it starts affecting his actions. He made the comment as he was trying to put a saddle on a goat.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 25 August 2011
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Rick Perry Would Make A Great NFL Field Goal Kicker

Tim Pawlenty who dropped out of the GOP presidential race says he is having fun sitting back and watching Palin, Bachmann, and Romney getting their asses kicked by Rick Perry.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 25 August 2011
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The Clash top UK charts whilst London's Burning!

The Clash decided to re-release their sublime hit "London's Burning" and it was Nr 1 in five minutes. Many rioters wanted the single, but couldn't find a shop to buy it, they'd burnt them all down!

written by Jaggedone, 09 August 2011
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The Statue of Liberty Now Has A Frown

New York's earthquake wasn't too bad although the East River is now actually the West River.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 27 August 2011
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Gosh, It's Too Bad Money Does Not Grow On Trees

Well it's official. America's credit rating is now even worse than Bernie Madoff's.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 10 August 2011
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But Isn't Any Donation A Welcome Donation?

The White House has announced they are no longer accepting donations of $5 and $10. They ask that anyone wishing to make a monetary governmental donation please make it in the amount of $20 or $50.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 August 2011
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David Letterman Says Almost Nothing Scares Him

David Letterman said the rumor of him getting a sex-change operation to hide from the people that are after him is false. He saw a photo of himself as a girl and he was uglier than Ann Coulter.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 31 August 2011
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President Obama Says He Will Be Taking Another Vacation

President Obama says that since Hurricane Irene interrupted his vacation to Martha's Vineyard, he and his family will be taking a vacation in two weeks down to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 31 August 2011
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Sarah Palin Says The Name Is Staying Put

Sarah Palin wants to put an end to the rumors that her Tea Bag Party is merging with The Douche Bag Party.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 01 August 2011
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The U.S. Population Will Go Up By 200 Million Just Like That!

President Obama as a goodwill gesture to China, who lent the U.S. billions of dollars, has agreed to allow 200 million Chinese to relocate to America. He said that 100 million will move into Arizona.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 17 August 2011
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Allotment

Owners of allotments in Denton are puzzled. "Somebody's dumping top soil on the allotments," said one resident. "Each week there's more." Police are baffled. "The plot thickens," said DI Frost.

written by IainB, 18 August 2011
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Harold Camping Is Not A Very Happy Camper

Harold Camping says that he's so sick and tired of people making fun of the fact that his end of world predictions have all been wrong that he's decided that he'll just stop making them (so there!).

written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 August 2011
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Pfizer Downsizes

Pfizer, the maker of Viagra, lays off 5,530 people as it downsizes. The CEO reports that this will have no affect on the actual production of Viagra. Older couples around the globe rejoice.

written by Ellie James, 03 August 2011
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Kenmore recalling all 12" diameter stainless steel sieves

Sieves -serial no.243569A can be returned to your nearest Sears store for immediate refund.Kenmore spokesman, Ivan R. Don said "A checker noticed there were 4 too many holes in that particular batch"

written by Lady Godiva, 02 August 2011
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Bachmann Tells Those in 'Earthquake Irene's Path' to 'Stop, Drop, and Roll'

Michele Bachmann was apparently confused about recent events when she advised "people living on the West Coast" to "stop, drop, and roll away from Earthquake Irene."

written by Mark Garrison, 27 August 2011
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Holy fasting month begins

Today begins the holy Satanic month of Baal'a, where followers must avoid drinking blood during the day, and eat nothing but tree bark. The month ends in a celebration of goat slaughter and dancing.

written by MonkeyInTheBath, 01 August 2011
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How About Something In A Size 7 Gargonzola?

A Wisconsin inventor has come up with a pair of shoes made entirely out of cheese. He says they are perfect for people who have a habit of putting their foot in their mouth.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 August 2011
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Queen Elizabeth's well kept secret is now out in the open

Apparently Queen Liz has suffered from OCD most of her life. That is the reason she wears gloves in public and carries her own cutlery to dinners, in those ugly large handbags.

written by Lady Godiva, 03 August 2011
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Kathy Griffin Talks About The Pitter Patter Rumors

Kathy Griffin addressed the rumor that she is pregnant with Arnold Schwarzenegger's baby by saying that she hates men with muscles, accents, and wandering wieners.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 05 August 2011
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Scientist have discovered that stupid people are really stupid.

The study was done by the professors at MIT (Moron in Training). They just looked at each other and kinda made that conclusion.

written by mikewadestr, 05 August 2011
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DFS Puzzled

Furniture manufacturers DFS have been wondering why every one of their shops in the cities where there is rioting have not been looted.

written by IN SEINE, 12 August 2011
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Herman Cain Is A Man Who Knows A Lot About 'Players'

Herman Cain the only Black who ran in the Iowa GOP Straw Poll came in fifth. He grinned and said that he knows he'll do a lot better once he starts campaigning in states that have NBA and NFL teams.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 15 August 2011
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GB grabs another world title; Worlds biggest female boozer!

A UK woman has won the world title of the biggest female boozer, she downs 28 pints a day! All other contestants for the title died whilst trying (male and female!).

written by Jaggedone, 15 August 2011
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Sneijder deal off unless Mrs Sneijder throws a tantrum!

The deal between Inter Milan and Man Utd is a dodo, the Inter president has said. United fans have only one hope left; that his missus throws a tantrum because she desperately wants to be on UK TV!

written by Jaggedone, 17 August 2011
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The Show Kinda Based On Another Show Kinda

Kirstie Alley has signed on to appear on a reality show about contestants trying to guess what big overweight famous people weigh. The show is called, They Weigh What?

written by Abel Rodriguez, 02 August 2011
Rating:

The Goats, Sheep, and Chickens Can Stay

Authorities in Pensacola, Florida have demanded that a Petting Zoo owner remove a full grown crocodile from the Petting Zoo premises immediately.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 04 August 2011
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