Spoof news snippets from August 2011
There were 493 spoof news snippets published in August 2011. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Numerous Injuries at El Paso Amigo Air Show
Several spectators were injured during a frenzied stampede today at the El Paso Air Show. Witness report the crowd became unruly when after several hours there were no plane crashes or tragedies.
If a man pats a woman's bottom he's just being friendly: Jeremy Irons
And if a Judge slaps a custodial sentence on ya she's just doing her job!
"I think I just spotted Snooki!"
"Since when do they allow dogs on this beach?"
Suspicious E Mail.
Do not open an E Mail offering 2 free tickets to watch a Chelsea match. It may contain 2 free tickets to watch a Chelsea match.
A Nation manipulated by it's government into giving consent for it's police to use rubber bullets - against children - instead of demanding those 'brave' policemen be issued with some rubber footwear!
You remember going to the beach...
It's like Facebook without shirts.
Charity shops outwit looters.
High Street Charity shops are defying the looters by leaving all their clothes strewn all over the pavement without price stickers on.
Army To Deal With Future Riots
David Cameron says he wants to see the Army on the streets of London. "Which fucking Army is that?" asked the Chief of Defence Staff.
Rioting To Be Introduced as a Sport in 2012 Olympics
Olympic organizers in London have decided, upon the police not being able to effectively control the youth in the UK, to just have rioting be an Olympic sport.
Millwall fans defend Eltham.
They are patrolling the streets singing "no one loots us we don't care"
London Officials Test The Olympic Flame
With the Summer Olympics a year away, the city of London previewed a portion of the opening ceremonies last night. An enthusiastic crowd of 5,000 helped distribute the Olympic flame to 4 police cars.
Dale Winton Doesn't Dye His Hair!
He 'colours' it. A bit. Allegedly.
Oasis Bar and Grill Spared during London Fire Storm!
The iconic hangout for dissident writers was open for business after a night of riots leaving the rest of the street in ruins. Mgr. Wortham attributes good luck to Colonists..."they all had guns!"
Rio Ferdinand to address the nation on Twitter.
Kick Off 19.45 (Sky Sports 1HD)
Good News for Husbands during This Economic Downturn
The economy has got so bad that wives are beginning to have sex with their husbands because they can no longer afford the batteries!
Bad Headline Number 86
WOMAN BITTEN BY SPIDER IN BATHING COSTUME!
A New Pistol to Commemorate Politicians
Smith & Wesson is to bring out a new pistol to commemorate Senators and Congressmen. It will be named the "Legislator". It doesn't work and you can't fire it.
The GOP Female Candidates Are Taking Over
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer is now considering joining fellow females Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann and running for president. Perfect - The GOPs answer to The Three Stooges.
New Gene Found
Today in London University Hospital, scientists have discovered a gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind some other genes.
Why There Will Never Be A Hurricane Kevin, Or Dave
It lacks gravitas.
Naturists Furious over Tower Block Plans
A naturist club in Surrey is furious at plans by the council to erect a five-storey block of flats even though the Council have submitted plans that all Windows will have net curtains.
So Farewell, Jerry Leiber
Stand By Me. 'Nuff said.
The Stressful Stress Is So Gosh Darn Stressful
Well President Obama just turned 50, which is 70 in average people years.
The American Congress: Men, Women, and A Few Adults
Congress is the only place where so called adults can act repulsive, despicable, offensive, shameless, and obnoxious, and then turn around and vote themselves one hell of a pay raise.
A real mama grizzly doesn't let her cub get pregnant.
Jim Divine MP Saves Taxpayers £10,400
Jim Divine MP who claimed over £8,000 in expenses was sentenced to 1 year in prison. However, he saved the taxpayer £10,400 by serving only 4 months. Whether he can be a good boy, remains to be seen.
Jeremy Clarkson & James May Justify Parking in a Disabled Bay
The Top Gear preseneters were showing electric cars which had run out of charge and were therefore DISABLED.
"SIMPLES!!" Clarkson was alleged to have quipped.
Policing by Consent!
Home Secretary Theresa May appeals for calm, appearing before crowd wearing dreadlocks, and puffing on a bong! Crowd goes wild, burns Westminster Abbey to ground.
One Good Thing!
An upbeat Nick Clegg appeared on TV today to announce that the riots are not all bad. "Thank God," he said," we finally got rid of the lay a bouts in Parliament Square, they were so scared they left!"
Gooner Talks In His Sleep
"Oh, don't say they've scored again..."
Kim "X-Ray" Kardashian Has Just Received Quite A Distinction
The North American Doctors Coalition has just named Kim Kardashian's butt X-ray as the most viewed X-ray in medical X-ray history.
The Much Traveled Joan Rivers
It is now official - Joan Rivers now looks more like a space alien than even the damn space aliens do.
Ornithological Advice Wanted
I planted some birdseed.
A bird came up.
...Now I don't know what to feed it.
They arrested the devil in a small town near Florence, Italy this morning.
They got him on possession.
Florida woman discovers that pastries don't have any paste in them
The stripper thought the pastrie's paste would paste her pasties. Unfortunately, she made the decision in a hasty.
Large Lady Appeals
A large lady from Lancaster was angry that someone stole her knickers from the washing line. However, she was even more annoyed that the thief also stole the 12 pegs that held her knickers on the line.
The Ever Demanding Sarah Palin
Sarah "Crosshairs" Palin asked Vice-President Joe Biden to apologize for calling the Tea Party members terrorists. He did and said that he really meant to call them Republican terrorists.
Average 37 Min to Get to Sleep
It takes 37 minutes to get to sleep using whale music and birdsong. Strangely enough, it only takes 5 minutes to get to sleep while listening to a Party Political Broadcast by the Conservatives.
Col Gaddafi has not been seen in public since May. This begs the question, where is he? Someone said that they have seen him in a chip shop in Milton Keynes only last week!
Newest Dummies book is Hugely Popular in Libya
IDG books states they are pleased that their recently published How to Run a Country For Dummies is flying off the shelves in Libya.
Higgs Boson Disappears
Scientists were today disappointed in their hunt for the "God particle" because it had disappeared from their very eyes. However, they may have found the "Gaddafi particle" which may disappear soon.
Owning a Cell Phone Can Cause Underachievement
A new study found that the average child is more likely to own a cell phone than a book. I guess that would explain why he's average.
No Fruitcake. Please
It has been disclosed that before Prince William got married to Kate Middleton, he said that he did not want the traditional fruitcake at the wedding. Prince Charles said that he will go anyway.
Violent Vomiting Outbreak Hits US!
Government blames Bush and Tea Party for outbreak.
Victims shout, "It's the economy, Stupid" as savings evaporate
while Obama parties and vacations.
Police Cannot Use Water Cannon
David Cameron has had to back down on his promise to allow the police to use water cannon because they only have 3: 1 at Heathrow airport; 1 in Afghanistan and the 3rd was sold off with the Ark Royal.
Film about the Tottenham Riots
Stephen Spielberg is to direct a new film about a brave tea lady who fights off many rioters in Tottenham, armed only with a cup and saucer. It will be called "CHA-RIOTS OF FIRE"
Pistols at Dawn
Police had to be issued with water pistols to combat rioters because The Health and Safety Executive deems it dangerous to operate a water cannon. "Somebody might get wet!" A spokesman said today.
Prince Harry Dumps His Girlfriend
Prince Harry has announced that he has dumped his girlfriend so that he can concentrate more on his chopper.
A £9,000 inflatable island has disappeared from a secret Garden party somewhere in England. The UK Border Patrol have not been able to trace its whereabouts… In case it has inflatable immigrants.
Tip for Writers with Writers' Block
Always remember when you are struggling for ideas for stories - there is always someone out there wrorse off than you......ME!
Queen Elizabeth II Buys America
Buckingham Palace confirmed today that as the US cash balance is now less than Her Majesty's personal fortune, she had repurchased the colony. Plans for the US include re-imposition of taxes on tea.
Kim Kardashian Buys the Mets, Oh yeah, 5.8 Magnitue earthquake hits east coast of the US too
Kim Kardashian Buys the Mets, Oh yeah, 5.8 Magnitue earthquake hits east coast of the US too
Col Muammar Gaddafi's son, Saif al-Islam, confirms that Pro-Gaddafi supporters control most of Libya
'The NATO aggressors have overdubbed news footage to make our supporters sound like rebels,' he revealed, 'and digitally altered the flags they are waving.'
Scientists Make Discovery About Antimatter Belt
Scientists discover that the antimatter belt surrounding Earth is actually made of lamb skin.
Cameron Considers calling up Military to Quell Riots in London!
When no one answers the phone, he is reluctantly informed that there are no more uniformed military in Britain, they were recently made redundant
during austerity cuts to maintain India aid.
Hungry for it?
A Lebanese restaurant in West London has had to close its doors, after only receiving interest from dyslexic lesbians.
Is He a Reformed Character?
Ex-MP, Jim Devine who was released in early from a 16 month jail sentence for fraudulently claiming expenses, has joined a Morris dancing team as a fiddler.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's...
...Umami.' Heston Blumenthal
Oprah Is Looking For An Upstairs Maid and A Downstairs Maid
Oprah Winfrey emailed Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann and told each one that once Ricky Perry kicks their butts and they drop out of the race she'll hire both of them to be her house maids.
2,000 Fake Piñatas Are Confiscated In El Paso
U.S. Customs Agents in El Paso confiscated 2,000 counterfeit Jay Leno Piñatas. An alert agent said he knew the Leno Piñatas were fake when he noticed they had normal looking chins.
Sarah "The Spin Doctor" Palin Is Good At Spinning
Sarah Palin was asked about the large number of Tea Bag Party members who are deserting the party. She said, "Well ya know, they ain't really deserting, it's more like they're just leaving."
Another Gem From The Geographical Mouth of Sarah Palin
Sarah "Snow Balls" Palin stated that she wishes that there was a way to somehow outsource hurricanes to Pakistan.
President Obama Says Bye-Bye To The Tree
President Obama has announced that this year in order to save on the White House electric bill he will be doing away with the traditional Christmas tree and replacing it with a Christmas tulip.
A Pet Store Tidbit
One of Sarah Palin's neighbors, who apparently isn't the brightest crayon in the Crayola Box, went into a pet store and told the clerk that he wanted to buy a dust bunny.
Man buys chain saw: saws neighbor's car in half, sends in survey saying chainsaw works just fine.
Police came to arrest him, but after demonstation, had to admit that the chainsaw really did work fine,
UK PM is as tight as an Italian ducks arse!
David Cameron was caught red-handed not tipping an Italian waitress after downing his cappuccino. He went back, apologised and invited her to his private party: Luckily Berlusconi was not there!
The US shakes its head at the S&P Downgrade
The White House now regrets not switching to the rechargeable AAA rating.
The Most Amazing Camel In The World
Scientists in Saudi Arabia say they've just cloned the world's first camel. They stated they do have a slight problem but are confident that they'll soon get the 18 humps reduced down to one or two.
Canada's Illegal Alien Problem Is Getting Worse
Canada reports the illegal alien situation is getting worse. Authorities in Quebec say that due to global warming they are seeing a big increase in Eskimos trying to sneak into Canada from Alaska.
It's A Happy Day In Liechtenstein
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton congratulated the tiny European country of Liechtenstein on the 205th anniversary of their independence. She then asked if the U.S. could borrow $10,000.
White House Announces Revenue Plan
The US government will open a pizza chain in hopes of generating new revenue. Research shows pizza is the only profitable business in the States.
Traffic brought to a halt during rush-hour on Yonge Street, Toronto
Chicken seen crossing road. No-one knows WHY!
Spot the CSI agents....
Oh! Could they be the ones with the curly white cords tucked behind their ears, wearing sunglasses inside the mall and talking into their sleeves?
Antarctica gay guy finds out that all the guys are gay. Either that or they are all really desperate.
Although it has been rumored that all the penguins are lesbians.
The High Flying 78-Year-Old Willie Nelson Is Still Performing
Willie Nelson said that he will give up smoking marijuana whenever it starts affecting his actions. He made the comment as he was trying to put a saddle on a goat.
Rick Perry Would Make A Great NFL Field Goal Kicker
Tim Pawlenty who dropped out of the GOP presidential race says he is having fun sitting back and watching Palin, Bachmann, and Romney getting their asses kicked by Rick Perry.
The Clash top UK charts whilst London's Burning!
The Clash decided to re-release their sublime hit "London's Burning" and it was Nr 1 in five minutes. Many rioters wanted the single, but couldn't find a shop to buy it, they'd burnt them all down!
The Statue of Liberty Now Has A Frown
New York's earthquake wasn't too bad although the East River is now actually the West River.
Gosh, It's Too Bad Money Does Not Grow On Trees
Well it's official. America's credit rating is now even worse than Bernie Madoff's.
But Isn't Any Donation A Welcome Donation?
The White House has announced they are no longer accepting donations of $5 and $10. They ask that anyone wishing to make a monetary governmental donation please make it in the amount of $20 or $50.
David Letterman Says Almost Nothing Scares Him
David Letterman said the rumor of him getting a sex-change operation to hide from the people that are after him is false. He saw a photo of himself as a girl and he was uglier than Ann Coulter.
President Obama Says He Will Be Taking Another Vacation
President Obama says that since Hurricane Irene interrupted his vacation to Martha's Vineyard, he and his family will be taking a vacation in two weeks down to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.
Sarah Palin Says The Name Is Staying Put
Sarah Palin wants to put an end to the rumors that her Tea Bag Party is merging with The Douche Bag Party.
The U.S. Population Will Go Up By 200 Million Just Like That!
President Obama as a goodwill gesture to China, who lent the U.S. billions of dollars, has agreed to allow 200 million Chinese to relocate to America. He said that 100 million will move into Arizona.
Owners of allotments in Denton are puzzled. "Somebody's dumping top soil on the allotments," said one resident. "Each week there's more." Police are baffled. "The plot thickens," said DI Frost.
Harold Camping Is Not A Very Happy Camper
Harold Camping says that he's so sick and tired of people making fun of the fact that his end of world predictions have all been wrong that he's decided that he'll just stop making them (so there!).
Pfizer, the maker of Viagra, lays off 5,530 people as it downsizes. The CEO reports that this will have no affect on the actual production of Viagra. Older couples around the globe rejoice.
Kenmore recalling all 12" diameter stainless steel sieves
Sieves -serial no.243569A can be returned to your nearest Sears store for immediate refund.Kenmore spokesman, Ivan R. Don said "A checker noticed there were 4 too many holes in that particular batch"
Bachmann Tells Those in 'Earthquake Irene's Path' to 'Stop, Drop, and Roll'
Michele Bachmann was apparently confused about recent events when she advised "people living on the West Coast" to "stop, drop, and roll away from Earthquake Irene."
Holy fasting month begins
Today begins the holy Satanic month of Baal'a, where followers must avoid drinking blood during the day, and eat nothing but tree bark. The month ends in a celebration of goat slaughter and dancing.
How About Something In A Size 7 Gargonzola?
A Wisconsin inventor has come up with a pair of shoes made entirely out of cheese. He says they are perfect for people who have a habit of putting their foot in their mouth.
Queen Elizabeth's well kept secret is now out in the open
Apparently Queen Liz has suffered from OCD most of her life. That is the reason she wears gloves in public and carries her own cutlery to dinners, in those ugly large handbags.
Kathy Griffin Talks About The Pitter Patter Rumors
Kathy Griffin addressed the rumor that she is pregnant with Arnold Schwarzenegger's baby by saying that she hates men with muscles, accents, and wandering wieners.
Scientist have discovered that stupid people are really stupid.
The study was done by the professors at MIT (Moron in Training). They just looked at each other and kinda made that conclusion.
Furniture manufacturers DFS have been wondering why every one of their shops in the cities where there is rioting have not been looted.
Herman Cain Is A Man Who Knows A Lot About 'Players'
Herman Cain the only Black who ran in the Iowa GOP Straw Poll came in fifth. He grinned and said that he knows he'll do a lot better once he starts campaigning in states that have NBA and NFL teams.
GB grabs another world title; Worlds biggest female boozer!
A UK woman has won the world title of the biggest female boozer, she downs 28 pints a day! All other contestants for the title died whilst trying (male and female!).
Sneijder deal off unless Mrs Sneijder throws a tantrum!
The deal between Inter Milan and Man Utd is a dodo, the Inter president has said. United fans have only one hope left; that his missus throws a tantrum because she desperately wants to be on UK TV!
The Show Kinda Based On Another Show Kinda
Kirstie Alley has signed on to appear on a reality show about contestants trying to guess what big overweight famous people weigh. The show is called, They Weigh What?
The Goats, Sheep, and Chickens Can Stay
Authorities in Pensacola, Florida have demanded that a Petting Zoo owner remove a full grown crocodile from the Petting Zoo premises immediately.
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