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Man Has Negative Experience With Vacuum Cleaner

A man was found unconscious on his living room floor after using his vacuum cleaner as a sex toy. He passed out after getting his manhood stuck. Once revived, all the man could say was "That sucked!"

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 14 April 2011
Rating:

Sarah Palin Hires Heavy Hitters For Presidential Exploratory Committee

Sarah Palin is again planning to run for president and has been advised to put together an exploratory committee to assess her chances. She asked explorers Bob Ballard and Jacques Cousteu Jr. to help.

written by C. Lance the Freelance, 14 April 2011
Rating:

Like, Voted, Like, Most Said, Like Word, Like, by, Like, Celebs

NEW YORK - 'Like' has been voted the 'Most Spoken Word by Celebs' by G-G-G-Gossip! Magazine.

Second place was 'uhhh...', while third place was 'OH-MY-GOD!'

written by Inhopeless, 14 April 2011
Rating:

Where Oh Where Will Charlie "Winning" Sheen End Up?

Charlie Sheen tried to check himself into The Henry and Betty Ford Rehab Clinic and was told "Are you crazy? Get your damn 'Looney Tunes' goofy ass outta here before we call The police."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 April 2011
Rating:

The Amazing Whittling Valdosta Rabbit

A farmer in Valdosta, Georgia said that he has seen an amazing rabbit on his farm take carrots and whittle them into skinny little orange replicas of Kate Hudson and Calista Flockhart.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 April 2011
Rating:

Chuck Norris Took A Lot Of Karate Kicks To The Head

Chuck Norris said that he would not mind having a ménage-a-trois with GOP beauties Sarah Palin and Ann Coulter. Norris also once told Jay Leno that He thought that skunks were cute and cuddly.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 April 2011
Rating:

American Idol To Announce That Pia Toscano Did Not Lose After All

American Idol executives are seriously thinking about saying that due to a voting irregularity the votes East of the Mississippi were not counted and so Pia Toscano did not get eliminated after all.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 April 2011
Rating:

NBA Ref Fined $250,000 for Insulting Player

Referee faces fine, suspension for telling player to "stop acting like Kobe Bryant."

written by NWNewsmash, 14 April 2011
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Swan Song for the Wedding

The Queen will sacrifice six Swans so their feathers can be used at the Royal Wedding to throw over the happy couple. It will her say of greeting Kate Middleton to the Royal Family.

written by j.w., 14 April 2011
Rating:

Zombie TV poster upsets funeral parlour!

A poster depicting a zombie hunters TV show was hung on the wall of a UK funeral parlour, the director rightly protested and promised not to tell his clients?

written by Jaggedone, 14 April 2011
Rating:

Kate Hates Corgis Shock

Bride to be Kate Middleton has put her foot in it. After stepping on a pile of dog shit outside Buckingham Palace she exclaimed 'I hate those ghastly dogs. Corgis are so yesterday.'

written by j.w., 14 April 2011
Rating:

News of the World Crisis

The 'News of the World' is urgently seeking a reporter to replace the journalists who have recently been arrested. 'We need someone good at making up stories who can handle a mobile phone' I was told.

written by j.w., 14 April 2011
Rating:

Dr Petal Cross Examined

Patholigist Dr Petal, has told an inquest into a suspicious death that there was no truth in the evidence he had given. 'My job is to serve the Police, not the dead person' he declared.

written by j.w., 14 April 2011
Rating:

Klaus Pockets Pen

Czech President, Vaclav Klaus, who pocketed a pen during a Press Conference says he took the pen so he could reply to letters from children who had written to him thinking he was Santa Clus.

written by j.w., 14 April 2011
Rating:

Shocking News From The Land of "Felines"

Cat Deely and Kitty Katona were reportedly involved in a knock-down drag-out Cat Fight.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 April 2011
Rating:

You Just Might Want To Go With The "Hamburger"

After a heated debate, the Lower Zamgolan Senate has voted 51 to 49 to make 'Chicken Fried Hippo Balls' the country's official National Dish.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 April 2011
Rating:

Family Reunions May Be Getting More and More 'Legalistic'

Walmart announces that they will soon begin carrying Do It Yourself DNA Test Kits. And although not really admissible in a court of law, they should make for some interesting fun at family reunions.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 April 2011
Rating:

The Rush Limbaugh - Nancy Pelosi Rumor

Rush Limbaugh says he did not caress Nancy Pelosi's butt. He pointed out that the man shown in the Internet photo clearly does not have a 12 inch cigar dangling out of his mouth.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 14 April 2011
Rating:

Cameron's Immigration Problem

Immigration is a problem for the Tories. How to get some more black faces among their MP's.

written by j.w., 14 April 2011
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Lansley Apologises

Health Secretary Andrew Lansley has apologised for not communicating well. To make his position clear he yelled: 'MY MESSAGE IS PRIVARTISE THE NHS'.

written by j.w., 14 April 2011
Rating:

Screwed Up or What

Maryland legislature passes tougher penalties for driving an automobile while under the influence. However, a homicide suspect is pleading a drunkenness defense, as he didn't know what he was doing!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 April 2011
Rating:

An Unintended Consequence

Baltimore Maryland increases water & sewer rates to pay for unfunded federally mandated quality standards. Out houses spring up all over the city, but President Obama raises taxes on Sears catalogues!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 April 2011
Rating:

Technically Challenged Politicians

President Obama quotes nonexistent shovel ready projects & hybrid crossover vehicles; Interior Secretary Salazar doesn't know a windmill from a megawatt; & USDOT Secretary LaHood fears cell phones!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 April 2011
Rating:

Anybody Notice we're Not in Holland

Maryland legislature passes tougher penalties for reckless drivers that injure bicyclists. Reckless bicyclists having no lights/reflectors, ride on the wrong side & ignore red lights are unaffected!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 April 2011
Rating:

At The Winter Palace

Mommy why can't I have caviar anymore? Babushka, your father Nicolas has lost his job and we must all economize until the economic conditions in the country improve!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 April 2011
Rating:

The King's Speech

King Obama I addressed his subjects today exhorting the masses to allow extortion of money from the productive, letting his band of socialists redistribute the wealth to the 47% who do not pay taxes!



written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 April 2011
Rating:

Democrats on LSD

Democratic big spender Congresspersons in blue states are using words like "draconian" to describe miniscule spending cuts agreed to by President Obama. They are on Lets Spend Decillions (LSD) pills!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 April 2011
Rating:

Hypocritical Democratic Congresspersons

Democratic liberals (including Senator Obama) who voted against raising the national debt limit during the Bush administration are now signaling they will vote for it during the Obama administration!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 14 April 2011
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