Spoof news snippets from Friday 1 April 2011
Woman Not Impressed With Free Looksie, Turns Man Into Authorities
Old lady accused young man of indecent exposure when he revealed his genitals while crossing his legs. She caught a glimpse of his manhood and complained; he said it was accidental and she's a prude.
Man Gets Ten Years in Prison for Tearing Off Mattress Tag
A man was sentenced to ten years in prison for tearing off the tag on his new mattress. He was busted by a female cop posing as a barfly in sting operation using sex to lure offenders to break law.
Man With Memory Problems Drives in Circles Around Neighborhood
A man with a severe case of short-term memory was pulled over in a cul de sac because he continued to drive in a circle, constantly forgetting where he was going and forgetting where he had been.
Woman Arrested for Practicing Oldest Profession on Leisurely Bike Ride
A lady on a ride with her cat is pulled off her bicycle and arrested for prostitution. When she denies the charge, the police explain to her that she was caught "pedaling pussy on a public street."
Man Loses Hairpiece on Thrillride, Safely Returned Later
A man flips his lid, literally, on a roller coaster ride. On downhill run, the man's toupee flies off and lands in the lap of a woman two rows behind. She returns it to the embarrassed man afterwards.
Blackpool Earthquake Tsunami
The Blackpool earthquake measuring 2.2 on the richter scale has caused the International Scaremongering Society to issue a 2.5 inch Tsunami wave warning in the baby pool in Rhyl Sun Centre.
Coleridge Reviews Olly Murs
"Swans sing before they die - 'twere no bad thing
Did certain persons die before they sing."
Coleridge Sends Another Postcard From Benidorm
"Yea, slimy things did crawl with legs
Upon the slimy sea."
Coleridge Sends A Postcard From Benidorm
"Water, water, everywhere,
Nor any drop to drink."
If Nelson Had Been Disappointed With His Fish Supper...
"I see no chips."
Dante Visits Milton Keynes
"All hope abandon, ye who enter here."
Sir Walter Scott Reviews Rod Stewart In Concert
"The way was long, the wind was cold,
The Minstrel was infirm and old;
His withered cheek and tresses grey
Seemed to have known a better day."
John Noakes "Really A Reptile" Claims Female Bishop
An attempt by Professor Jens Convolvolus of the University of Jutland to teach rats to knit has had to be abandoned. "I began to despair of their manual dexterities, with the long claws", said Professor Convolvulus yesterday.
Matt Cardle Studying The Hardy-Littlewood Conjectures
Theatrical Virgos will dream about an imaginary fictional figment of an imagined fictional character's imagination. Jealous Sagittarians should avoid an explosion during anal sex.
Nickel Up AT Tokyo
Scroppleford WI's eye-gouging evening raised £329 towards the Buy The Vicar A Philppino Wife campaign, while Numperly Cross held a Heretic Burning to raise money for the Build A Lesbian Brothel Fund.
Isaiah Opens A Petting Zoo
"The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them."
St Matthew Looks At The First Past The Post Voting System
"But many that are first shall be last; and the last shall be first."
St Matthew Visits Leeds
"The abomination of desolation."
The Queen is suing a sculptor after a botch-job at Windsor Castle. Jez Fnarr was asked to create an intimate bas-relief of Henry VIII, but instead made a statue of the king being pleasured by a fish.
St John Looks At 70s Rock Music
"Can there any good thing come out of Nazareth?"
St Luke Reviews The England Cricket Team's World Cup Squad
"The poor, and the maimed, and the halt, and the blind."
St John Visits Slough
"A place called in the Hebrew tongue Armageddon."
St John Meets Sir Patrick Moore
"His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as sno; and his eyes were as a flame of fire."
St Paul Looks Forward To Having The Widows Cleaned
"For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face."
Edgar Allen Poe Does His Tax Returns
"Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore."
Song For Europe With Ophelia
"They bore him barefaced on the bier;
Hey non nonny, nonny, hey nonny;
And in his grave rained many a tear."
Flower Arranging With Ophelia
"There's rosemary, that's for remembrance;
pray, love, remember;
and there is pansies, that's for thoughts."
Cleopatra On The Piss
"Give me to drink mandragora."
More From Richard II's Good Pub Guide
"Old John of Gaunt, time-honoured Lancaster."
Macbeth Finds The Dog In His Armchair Again
"Out, damned spot!"
Macbeth Tries To Write A Limerick
"The Thane of Fife had a wife: where is she now?
What? Will these hands ne'er be clean?"
Othello Talks To His Watch
"Casio I love thee."
Othello Sends A Postcard From The Isle Of Man
"The Cannibals that each other eat,
The Anthropophagi, and men whose heads
Do grow beneath their shoulders."
Othello Sends A Postcard From Wales
"Antres vast and desarts idle,
Rough quarries, rocks, and hills whose heads touch heaven."
King Lear DoesThe Weather Forecast
"Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! rage! blow!
You cataracts and hurricanoes spout!
Till you have drenched our steeples, drowned the cocks!"
Edgar From King Lear Speaks Up For Simon Cowell
"The prince of darkness is a gentleman."
King Lear Visits Heston Blumenthal's Restaurant
"Out vile jelly!
Where is thy lustre now?"
Macbeth On The TV Schedules
"Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Macbeth Looks Up The Train Timetables
"Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day."
Macbeth On George Osborne
"The devil damn thee black, thou cream-faced loon!
Where gott'st thou that goose look?"
Macbeth Dines At Heston Blumenthal's Restaurant
"Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog."
Macbeth Writes A Song
"A deed of dreadful note."
Macbeth Has A New Chair Delivered
"Something wicker this way comes."
Macbeth At Christmas
"Lay on, Plum Duff."
If Rene Descartes Had Been A Printer...
"I ink, therefore I am."
If Rene Descartes Had Been A Skater...
"Ice rink, therefore I am."
If Rene Descartes Had Been A Deerstalker...
"I slink, therefore I am."
If Rene Descartes Had Had BO...
"I stink, therefore I am."
If Rene Descartes Had Been A Dressmaker...
"I pink, therefore I am."
If Rene Descartes Had Been On The Titanic...
"I sink, therefore I am."
If Rene Descartes Had Been A Web Developer...
"I hyperlink, therefore I am."
If Rene Descartes Had Been An Alcoholic...
"I drink, therefore I am."
If Marie Antionette Had Been A Fishmonger...
"Let them eat hake."
If Marie Antoinette Had Been From Kendal
"Let them eat mint cake."
British Singer Pixie Lott Will Soon Be Singing In The USA
British Singer Pixie Lott has announced that she has signed to do a 37-city music concert tour of the American South. She giggled as she announced the tours name...Pixie Does Dixie.
The Darn Good Reason Why 'The Real Housewives of San Francisco' Was Axed
The reality show, The Real Housewives of San Francisco has been cancelled after only two weeks when DNA tests showed that two of the five wives were not really females.
Madonna Says "No!" To Botox
The former singer known as Madonna stated that her big Tuna Lips are not the result of collagen injections but instead admits that they were caused by eating tainted tuna.
Glenn "Crybaby" Beck Is Getting Very Desperate
Glenn Beck has informed his bosses at the FOX Network that he'll promise to stop acting like a crazed, spoiled, self-centered, egomaniacal, Nazi if they'll allow him to keep his talk show.
There's One Rapper Who Won't Be At The Royal Wedding
Buckingham Palace has stated that the rumors that rap singer Chris Brown had been invited to the Royal Wedding are positively false. The Queen stated that she'd sooner invite Colonel Gadhafi himself.
The Italian Spirits Are Down
Due to the slumping wine consumption figures, Italy is seriously thinking about banning beer, whiskey, and vodka.
Two Very Important Things That Donald Trump Will Soon Be Releasing
An unnamed source for Donald Trump says that since he is running for president he'll not only release his birth certificate but his certificate for whatever the hell that thing on top of his head is.
The Bronx Zoo: The Good News And The Damn Bad News
The Bronx Zoo is happy to announce that they have found the lost cobra. Now they want to address that little matter of the missing 17 rattlesnakes.
So What Exactly Is In That Weight Loss Product Anyway?
The makers of Slim Fast have staunchly denied that their product contains anorexic ingredients.
Best Man Harry fesses up to Wills his wedding night song fantasy
Steeler's Wheel, "Stuck in the Middleton With You"
Legendary Irish jockey forgets to dismount...
Irish jump jockey Paddy O'Feckit, who famously finished the Gold Cup over an hour late, failed to dismount. He was last seen at the Hare & Hounds in Tetbury where he stopped for a pint of Guinness.
April Fools Day
Polls are showing overwhelming support for Spoofs declaration that from now on every day is April 1st.
Nigella Lawson Certainly Knows How To Cook Up A Storm
Nigella Lawson, noted British food writer, just announced that her most recent cookbook entitled, Cooking Everything With Bananas has just become the number one best seller in Costa Rica.
The Old "Like A Moth To A Flame" Cliché Is Alive And Flickering
Heretic moth claims he is finally free after leaving the infamous "Light Bulb Cult."
Nigeria Proves It Is A Trend Setter When It Comes To Higher Learning
The government of Nigeria has just announced that it will soon be offering two brand new college degrees over the Internet; A B.A. in Fantasy Baseball and a B.A, in Comic Book Appreciation.
Now That Is One Damn Seafaring Bottle!
A bottle with a note in it that was tossed into the Mediterranean Sea during World War II has somehow ended up in Lake Michigan.
The Day That Charlie Sheen Saved The Earth!
FOX News is reporting that the day Charlie Sheen waved the machete in the air, a highly armed alien space ship saw him and decided not to attack the Earth.
The GOP Denies It Is Using Political Tactics From The Gestapo Rules & Regulations Manual
Republicans point out the PBS children's show, Where's Baldo, as another reason to cut PBS funding.
Rush to Play Dual Roles in Sequel to Two Different Films at Once
Geoffrey Rush will reprise two roles in sequel to "Pirates" and "King's Speech" in same film. He plays Lionel Logue who's transported to the 1700s to teach his own Captain Barbossa proper English.
Woman Sues Fox For Not Being Hot Enough to Hire
A woman sues the Fox News Channel for denying her employment because she didn't qualify for the job, claiming they thought she wasn't attractive enough. There's a reason why they call it "Fox" News!
Blind Man Gravely Disappointed At Local Fish Market
A blind man mistakenly entered a fish market with cash in hand and a bulge in his trousers, asking for the best one they had. Expecting a hooker with a snap, the man only got a snapper with a hook.
Brosnan-Boyle Affair Confirmed...Lance, Lance Boyle On Way
Susan Boyle is reportedly pregnant with Pierce Brosnan's lovechild. Pierce admits he and Susan had a torrid affair to result in a bouncing baby boy. Lance A. Boyle will make his debut in late summer.
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