Spoof news snippets from Thursday 9 September 2010
Mosque To Be Moved?
QURAN BURNING CALLED OFF 'GROUND ZERO MOSQUE' TO BE MOVED? "Only after it's built", says Iman!
Who Would Have Thunk?
Study reveals astonishing fact that the rich go pretty easy on white collar crimes!
Junior's The Man!
Junior Abrams of Lance County, New York receives award for Best Overall Hall Monitor, atomic wedgie!
Year's First Foliage Report Is HERE!!!!!
NH releases 1st foliage report of the season: Ayeah..there's some color hyar now I believe. Ayeah!
Strengthening La Nina could mean more hurricanes! Will you shut up about hurricanes already?
Ho-Boy! I Goofed!
Fidel latest to say Cuba's communism doesn't work. "What was I thinking?" asks Castro.
Koran Burning Cancelled
Pastor and Imam make peace and decide to gang up on Jews.
Town Fights Big Ass!
Rural Pennsylvania town fights big ass! I'm sorry. That should be "big gas".
Pa. Mayoy Going To Supreme Court
Pa. mayor to take immigration law to Supreme Court. What happens when 50 states disagree with Washington?
Flamboyant Male Dancing
Flamboyant male dancing attracts women best. But even a well done hot-foot can cause their hearts to flutter!
Florida Minister Changes Mind?
Fla. minister cancels burning of Qurans on 9/11. Not sure about the Korans.
Give Him Something Different To "Sit On!"
Gulf compensation chief retreats from promises to speed claims process, instead sits on it.
Remote Found At Last
Missing TV remote found under the boardwalk, down by the sea.
Air Quotes Inventor "Dies"
From Arizona, John Hammonds, the inventor of the Air Quotes is said to have died from "mysterious" causes.
I Hereby Pledge
Loners sign pledge to not shoot anyone this year unless the dog says so!
Florida minister now says that they will not burn Korans on 9-11. "Now how many of you get personal messages from the President and the pope?"
No Koran Burning
Florida minister now says that they will not burn Korans on 9-11. Muslim rioters say they may not be able to stop protesting!
Iran Frees American Woman #2
Iran to free female American for Holiday Clemency. Mr. Clemency will be there to pick her up later in the week!
Iran Frees American Woman
Iran to free female American for holiday clemency. It's a female, better send Carter.
New Carpet Ruined
Brand new carpet ruined as man takes used diaper to container, it drips on his pants, shoes and carpet. Then he cuts loose with the heaves!
Michelle Obama says that her husband, the President worries a lot. "Lately he keeps talking about spiders and brushing his arms."
They Want $1 Billion For Him!
Osama bin Laden has been captured in Nigeria after coming after his $100,000!
First Accept, Then Sue
Gulf oil dilemma: accept payout from BP or sue. The answer is Yes!
Errant Drone Near DC
Errant drone near DC almost met by fighter jets last month. Are they beginning to reprogram themselves?
NYT Out Of Print?
Chairman: NYT will go out of 'print' ... sometime in the future. So will everything else.
If You Can't Beat Them...."
Weary of drug war, Mexico debates legalization. Drug Lords say no!
Googled Your Brain
Sergey: 'We want GOOGLE to be third half of your brain'. Clinton, Bush & Obama: But what if that's all that you have?
US Falls To Fourth In Economies
The U.S. has slipped down the ranks of competitive economies, falling behind Sweden and Singapore due to huge deficits & pessimism about government, a global economic group said Thursday.
Double Talk All Around
Obama tells Florida minister to call off Koran burn. Then sends 'best wishes' to Muslims worldwide. Yet Met. Museum displayed cross in jar of urine as art, freedom of expression.
Fed Employees Not Paying Taxes!
Federal workers owed $1 Billion in overdue taxes last year. Tea Party goes after them.
Nice Of Him
Twelve-year-old cat, Walter, leaves his diamond-studded collar to old woman caretaker.
Get The Dog Off First
Branch falls off tree and flattens man walking dog in Central Park. Nobody helps man out for three hours, as Chihuahua screwed by random dogs until help arrives.
Sign language teacher at school for the deaf fired over finger gestures.
Should Help Some
Los Angeles to open up bicycle paths to small cars from 7-9Am, 5-7 PM.
FEMA Comes In Twice
Arkansas first state to ever be given title of "Double Disaster" after tornado hits Blufford Runs.
First Runner-Up Takes Over Crown
The First Runner-Up will serve the rest of the term of the late Miss E-Coli's term.
"Ah Yes, I Remember It Swelled"
In New York City last night, a stand-up comic got a nod of agreement from the crowd after telling an old-time Mom & Pop penis joke.
Music Industry Bottoming!
Music Industry hits the lowest sales in 35 years. Experts say it's due to copying friends albums, crappiest music since 1900!
Another Divorce In Bear Wallow
In divorce settlement in Bear Wallow, Kentucky, Billy Bob Roberts gets to keep the little trailer and three cars up on blocks and Janice June gets the running car and a whole freezer of frozen possum!
Britney Spear's ex-bodygaurd is either a devout Jehovah's Witness or "gay"
Britney's ex-bodyguard is sueing her for sexual harassment, now any normal, straight guy would die for the chance, not Mr.Joles, he's either a religious nutter, deaf, dumb and blind, or very "GAY"
I'll Give You Whut Fer!
For the third time today, Kentucky man's ball peen hammer fails to get his car started!
The combination Palestinian/Israeli shuttle flight canceled.
Water pollution so high in Arkansas that they are under a boiling bottled water warning!
Safe For People, They Say!
The Rough River Virus in Warren County, Kentucky kills nearly 10,000 mosquitoes every summer.
Tomboy Gets Busted
In New York, an eighteen-year-old 'tomboy'on her way to the clinic, gets busted.
Let's Drop The Big One!
Arrogant punk thinks that "Blow them all away" the solution to everything.
Yes He Can!
Speaking adviser advises Bush to change his name to "Bushwhacker!"
Yes We Panned!
President Obama said to be surfing the internet looking for ideas on how to pull US out of deep financial crisis.
Revenge Will Be Sweet!
Deep sea divers say that the Titanic is just sitting on the bottom of the ocean, waiting to surprise a breakaway iceberg!
New Documentary on Tony Blair's Life After Leaving Office to Air in UK
"The Blair Witch Hunt Project" is set to air in fall on BBC. Check your newspapers for local listings.
Vitamin B delays Alzheimers, "sorry what did I say?"
Scientists have proven that Vitamin B prevents, delays and restricts dementia and Alzheimers, "oops sorry I'll begin again I forgot what I wanted to write and what was that damned vitamin called?"!!!
Offices Getting Really Crowded
GOV'T MAKES IT UP: JOBS NUMBERS 'ESTIMATED' FOR THE WEEK. So how can we believe anything else coming from there? Go look at your unemployment office.
Like B.B. King Says!
THRILL IS GONE: Students recruited to fill seats for Obama's appearance where there were once overflow crowds.
Dems Breaking Ranks With Obama
Dems Breaking With Obama's Economic Plan. "The heavy spending has to stop somewhere!"
That Would Be All Of Them!
COPS IN NORTH CAROLINA DEMAND NAMES OF ALL CITIZENS ON PRESCRIPTION DRUGS!
Brady OK After Car Wreck
Patriots: Brady attends practice after 2-car wreck. Claims that person who hit him looked like a certain linbacker that he has ran into before.
Skeleton of 18th century whale found in London as local man forgot hid great, great granddad had put it up in the attic.
Whatever happened to Obama's army?
The people supporting him grows smaller by the day but he has his own neglect of them to blame.
Gulf, We Have A Problem!
BP oil rig blast: 'We have a potential problem here' Probably the understatement of the past decade!
Obama implores minister to call off Quran burning. Minister implores Obama to stop mosque building.
My Husband Has "The Move!"
Study: Flamboyant male dancing attracts women best, even on the dance floor.
No Mosque, No Koran Burning?
Backers of NYC mosque appear divided, regretful. Same as the people backing the Koran burning.
No Girly Men!
Iran to free one detained American hiker. "The girly one is setting a poor example for Iranians."
Flap Distracts President
Quran-burning flap distracts from Obama agenda, running the country into more debt.
Beetlejuice Actor Dies
'Beetlejuice' actor Glenn Shadix dies in Alabama. "He's now headed for the real thing", states friend.
King Replaced On CNN
CNN names Piers Morgan as Larry King's replacement. We're hoping that the lose of King's sex appeal will not hinder whoever took his place."
George Bush says he" backs burning of the Kerang" Heavy metal fans go Ape Shit in response.
Ex president "George Bush" speaking on Fox news said.." He backs burning of the Kerang" Heavy metal fans vow to go on a headbanging rampage in every city in the US if the Kerang burning goes ahead.
Horoscopes - Pisces - September
TV: Coronation Street
Avoid the letter 'Q' until the end of the month, whilst Fridays are good for crying "Thank God It's Friday". Saying Hello to strangers will be rewarding.
Milk Filling Station
Farmer's 24 hour milk filling station a hit. US farmers considering doing the same. Also, beer.
Bush: No News On Heisman Trophy
Reggie Bush: Heisman matter 'out of my hands'. "I've already handed it over."
Flying To Game #5
Flying to a college football game? Take these tips: No cheerleaders stacks!
Flying to Games #4
Flying to a college football game? Take these tips: Keep team mascot in his seat as jumping around and somersaults can affect flight.
Fling To Games #3
Flying to a college football game? Take these tips: No vuvuzelas smuggled aboard.
Traveling To Games #2
Flying to a college football game? Take these tips: No tailgate parties until landing.
Flying To Games?
Flying to a college football game? Take these tips: #1 Do not start The Wave. Pilots hate this.
Some Smokers Quitting
US smoking rate still stuck at 1 in 5 adults, but youths are down to 4 out of 5.
Flu Shots Mandatory
Group backs mandatory flu shots for health workers, everyone else.
Bank Of England Rates @.5%!
Bank of England keeps rates at record low of .5%. Would that not help housing sales here?
US Losing Ground
US loses ground in competitiveness report...except in the area of borrowing money.
Spending Still Rising
Gov't: Spending may rise under health care overhaul. Just try never to get sick.
Rahm As Mayor
Obama: Emanuel would be 'terrific' Chicago mayor. "He already knows all the gang leaders."
No Apology From BP
Regret, apology not part of BP's oil spill report. "We can't be going around apologizing all the time. We don't want to start a trend. Any of the others could blow at any time."
Amy Winehouse Adds Name To List
Amy Winehouse implores minister to call off Quran burning. "I heard about that on TV. Whats a Quran?"
West Shouldn't Lead
Afghan AG: West should not lead corruption fight. "The whole country would be arrested."
Fidel Changes Mind
Fidel latest to say Cuba's communism doesn't work. "But we gave it a good shot!"
Colorado Fire 10% Contained
Crews contain 10 percent of Colorado wildfire. Hoping to have it contained 11% by day's end.
Do They Have A Future?
McConnell speaks to students at Gatton Academy, telling them that Obama has all of them owing $45,000 each to pay back in the future.
Wow! Look At That?
Several more car bombings during the night. Police suspect new group that just love to set off car bombs!
Wichers Win #3
Abracadabra! Romania witches win tax fight for now as government officials wake up with dead newts at the bottom of their beds.
Witches Win #2
Abracadabra! Romania witches win tax fight for now, after they turn tax collectors into horrible tax collectors!
Romania Witches Win
Abracadabra! Romania witches win tax fight for now. Threat to turn government officials into frogs did it!
Spending Spree Continues
Gov't Spending, which it doesn't have, to rise under health care overhaul.
Kuran Burning Minister Threatened
Safety concern for Fla. gov. over 9/11 Quran burn. "If I die, you know who will have killed me & I'd still make my point."
Toy's For Us In The Mall
Toys R Us invades the mall for the holidays with temp stores. Hookers may walk from one end to the other also.
New At The Mall
Toys R Us invades the mall for the holidays with temporary outlets. Loan sharks using the same strategy.
Too Little Sleep, Too Many Snacks
Too little sleep raises obesity risk in children. They stay up and snack later at night.
Castro: Communism Doesn't Work #3
Castro admits that communism doesn't work. "It leaves 98% of the people poor! The other 2% have nothing to spend all their money on."
Castro: Communism Doesn't Work #2
Fidel Castro admits that communism doesn't work. "Look around Cuba, what do you see?"
Castro: Communism Doesn't Work
Fidel latest to say Cuba's communism doesn't work. GOP asks Obama to listen to the old goat.
Charles Manson Asks Pastor Not To Burn Korans
Even pastor's old church condemns Quran-burning. "You'll wind up with church, mosque burning."
Minister Becoming Famous Fast
Obama implores minister to call off Quran burning. Minister implores President to help Christians, Buddhists from being killed by radical Muslims.
Wayne Rooney's own cousin brands him a 'pervert'
'I feel that even my own family are against me', whines Rooney.'Even my own cousin Natalie has called me a dirty pervert. That's the last time I'll shag her up the arse!'
'I have high sex-drive', claims Rooney.
'I won't deny I've got a high sex drive', admits Rooney. 'I used to shag anything with two legs and then thought, hey why restrict myself?'
ruining your ability to search for cockerels without the safety settings on for the conceivable future.
Wayne Rooney admits to being close to his mum.
'Coleen became to be like a mother to me', confessed Wayne Rooney. 'Except that we didn't have sex quite as often.'
Wayne Rooney: 'Two's company, three's fantastic!'
'Sex between two people can be a wonderful thing', admits Wayne Rooney. 'I know as I've had sex in beween two people.'
Rooney pays £200 for post-coital cigarette
'I always smoke for five minutes immediately after sex', confesses Wayne Rooney.
'Coleen says it's because I do it too quickly'.
Rooney admits to 'threesome' sex sessions.
'I did have a threesome',admits Rooney. 'Helen was a real cheeky monkey, but Juicy Jeni was definately the organ-grinder
Susan Boyle in tears as Lou Reed bars her from singing his song.
SuBo not edgy enough for my music, claims the 68-year-old wrinkly rocker.
Prince Charles unveils new eco-coffin made of felt.
The Queen declines his offer to try it out.
Angelina Jolie meets Prime Minister of Pakistan.
She will sort out the humanitarian crisis then move on to cricket match fixing, says her agent.
'I have a high regard for women', insists Wayne Rooney.
'I do not see girls as sex objects', insisted Wayne Rooney.
'If any do object to sex, I just bung them a few quid.'
Coleen still loves philandering husband Wayne.
'Love must indeed be blind', said Coleen Rooney.'Otherwise why on earth did I marry that ugly bastard?'
Wayne Rooney declared a Retard.
It's official! Wayne Rooney has the brain of a three year-old.
Apparently Coleen discovered it hidden in the bottom of Wayne's wardrobe.
Rooney blames current sex scandal on his deafness
'Oh, they were vice girls', he exclaimed. 'I thought they said they were nice girls!'
Coleen Rooney says she can't change husband Wayne.
'I never tried to change Wayne',said Coleen. 'That's what plastic-surgeons are for.'
Rooney defends 'paying for sex'.
'Prostitutes are living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy', said Rooney yesterday, (misquoting Benjamin Franklin).
What turned churchgoing teenager into Wayne Rooney's prostitute?
About two grand a night, claims one source, or is that sauce?
Teletubbies asked to join government
so they can make England's first Tinky-Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa & Po-alition Government
Britney Flashes Body Guard.
Body guard sues her. Can't say a lot for her body, really!
Blair cancels more book signings.
He advises police would be too stretched due to being busy arresting him for war crimes.
The Debt Maker!
Obama Has Added More to National Debt Than Washington Thru Reagan -- COMBINED! Will it take that many generations to pay it back?
More Open To US
Fidel Castro says Cuban model doesn't work. No use trying it another 50 years.
Middle Class Workers Hit Again
Obama firm, won't yield on tax hike for wealthiest. Which means more layoffs and moving their money out.
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